Post # 1
My Fiance and I are having some major problems concerning us getting married and his parents. Right now I am in my last year of college and living in my own apartment and my fiance is currently living with is parents to save money until I graduate. (We live in the same town.) We are planing to get married either in the Summer or Fall of 2011. The thing is, we have planned on getting an apartment after I graduate and my lease is up next May. Our plan was to either move to the area that I’m from until I find a job, or move to my new job location if I do land one right out of college.
But, his parents are EXTREMELY opposed to it. They are both very religious and are arguing that it is morally wrong to live together before marriage. So, basically, they expect us to either get married before I graduate (not going to happen) or to have a long distance relationship until the day of the marriage. I am both angry and frustrated by this and my fiance feels the same way. However, he is having a very hard time trying to figure out what he is going to do. He is so afraid to hurt and dissappoint his parents; his mom started crying when they had a conversation about this. Part of me just wants him to grow some and tell his parents that he is going to do what will make him happy and they need to accept that. Either way, one side of this is going to end up hurt, I just don’t see a way to avoid that. I have a huge problem with other people forcing their beliefs on me and affecting the way i’m supposed to live my life. Ahhhh, I just don’t know what to do… Sorry for the long post, I just really needed to vent and get this off my chest 🙁
Post # 3
I know EXACTLY how you feel! My fiance and I have been in a long distance relationship since we started dating. I have had my own apartment the entire time, he lives with his parents to save money. When I go there, we are not even allowed to sleep on the same floor because his mom is against it before we get married. Next week, I will be moving home to save money before our January wedding… I’m the only daughter of a retired military dad… he too is against us sharing a room before marriage. So either way, we won’t be able to stay in the same room… talk about interesting haha. It’s hard! But I guess they’re only looking out for the best… even if it doesn’t seem that way
Post # 4
I think at some point, the two of you need to live your life and stick up for what you want. If it’s not this issue that upsets them, you can bet it will be something else. I was scared of letting my FILs down when we told them (repeatedly) that we weren’t getting married in a church – but they eventually accepted it once they realized that we had thought it out, and that we were standing firm.
Post # 5
Just to clarify, they are opposed to you two living together 3 monthes before your wedding?
Since you’re all in the same town, is there anyway for you two to get an apartment but him live at home but still contribute to the bills? Is that a concern?
I agree with the above posters that at some point, your FI is going to have to stand up to his parents to do what he and you want. It’s your lives and you’re adults and allowed to make decisions on your own. Personally, I’d be a little concerned that his mom would pull the waterworks to get her way about other matters. Even is this issue isn’t it, there will be a time when your FI will need to stand up for *your* (as a couple) decisions.
Post # 6
Would it be an option to just legally get married on paper to satisfy them with the married part? Then have your wedding and cermony next year as planned?
Post # 7
I think if you are going to get married you are also old/mature enough to be making your own decisions. I understand how you would be hurt because it sounds like he is considering doing what would make them, not the two of you, happy. I think everyone deals with this at one point or another.
Post # 8
Also I’m guessing that if they are religious they consider the church wedding the “real” one and the legal one not as real…
Post # 9
If you are grown up enough to be married then you are grown up enough to make your own decisions. It is okay for your FI to agree with his parents that it’s wrong to live together before you are married – it’s a little childish if he thinks it’s okay, just doesn’t want to disappoint his parents. But, this isn’t a decision you can make for him. Just tell him you want to live together, you don’t want to be long-distance, you will have an apartment (you will regardless of his decision) and you would like him to share it with you. And, you don’t want to get married before next summer. Those are decisions you can make. The rest is up to him.
Post # 10
I think you should do what you want. You are adults, after all. It’s understandable that they’re opposed to it since they are religious, but you’re old enough to get married, so I think you’re old enough to live together!
Post # 11
I agree with the previous posters. It is really none of their business if you live together before getting married or not. I understand (though don’t agree) with having you stay in separate rooms when you are at their home, but in terms of your lives together (you and FI) they need to butt out. The sooner you and your FI set up boundaries the better; his parents need to realize that their son is an adult & can make his own decisions about his living arrangements.
Post # 12
I don’t really understand why this is their decision. If you are adult enough to get married, you are adult enough to live together. This isn’t their choice. Part of getting married and forming a new family is setting boundaries and declaring your independence. This is definitely a textbook case of that.
Post # 13
I think you should do what you want. Don’t ask them their thoughts, just tell them what you are doing and do it. Keep in mind, they might decide to pull funding from the wedding or start a bunch of drama or something, so whatever you decide to do you need to be comfortable with the consequences. Ofcourse if you really are adult enough to be married then you should be adult enough to pay for the wedding. If they don’t like it, so be it.
Post # 14
I agree with what the others are saying – now is the time to make sure his parents know that you two are going to be a family and while they can voice an opinion, they need to respect the decisions you two make. Yes they will be upset but if you let them make this decision for you they will expect that to happen every time, for the rest of your lives. They will soon see that the world hasn’t ended and your FI will feel good about himself making such an adult decision.
Post # 15
Well I’m confused. Is there more? From what you’ve posted, it sounds like they have only really expressed their views to their son. You did mention that FMIL cried when the topic was brought up. But if she truly believes this religiously, that’s pretty powerful, and might actually feel the emotion (not simply doing this for drama.)
Have they threatened to pull funds, or disown FI if he moves out? If not, I’m not sure what they’ve done to really stop him. (Also, sounds like they aren’t forcing their beliefs on you, their trying to reinforce them to your FI, which I’m assuming they tried to do as he was growing up. And really they’re his parents. If your child was doing something you really felt was wrong, wouldn’t you at least say your peace? Even if they were grown?)
Maybe your FI wants to live with you, but part of him feels they are right?? Instead of being angry at them for having a different opinion than you, try to just let your FI make his decision. And if he doesn’t decide to move in with you, an LDR for a year isn’t really so bad. I’ve done it.
Post # 16
Isn’t it an option for him to get his own apartment (maybe with a roommate if you need to save money) and you to get your own apartment and live in the same town but not together? I know, it is more expensive, but it might be worth it to avoid the drama. FI and I did this for 2 years because I didn’t want us to live together before marriage.