Post # 1
So my Fiance and I have been engaged for about 2 months now however, we have been dating for 8 years (I know finally right?!?)
When we first started dating my FSIL and FMIL were all very close we did everything together and went everywhere together!! They would both tell me that they loved me and how much my Fiance has changed (for the better) since I started dating him. My FSIL even told me that I was the sister she never had!!! So i felt pretty good for actually getting along with my in laws when I have heard so many horrible stories.
AND THEN IT HAPPENED!!!
One night I went out with one of my fiance’s cousin’s (background: this cousin partied with my FSIL all the time) and found out that my FSIL had acutally been talking about me behind my back. May i add that the things that were said were very mean, hurtful and untrue!!! I immediatley called my fiance and told him everything I had just found out and he was very upset!!!
I never confronted her about it but my fiance did which did not go well and we all just stopped talking. Even my FMIL stopped talking to me because she felt that I was being childish!!!! ME?!?!? Who did everything for his family without asking for anything in return was being childish!!! So I would go over for holidays and just not speak to any of them. In the time that we were not talking my FSIL got pregnant and the baby daddy was a guy she had only know for 3 mths. So no one in the family was happy at all and they actually kicked her out of the house and made her live with his family. My FMIL then started to talk to me again about the situation with my FSIL and how horrible it looked to the rest of the family etc. I listened to keep the piece but i never gave an opinion. My FSIL then messaged so we could clear the air between us and I did speak to her. Of course she denided everything and calmed her cousin only said those things because she was jealous of our relationship (did i mention that my FSIL is a compsulive liar??) Anyway I forgave her for the sake of my Fiance but they relationship was never the same. I finally met her boyfriend and insantley didn’t like (still dont).
I helped my FMIL plan her baby shower and paid for half (because my Fiance wanted to I however, didnt want to pay 1 cent). My FSIL and I were actually trying to talk more and we seemed to be getting better and then it happened AGAIN!!! One day I got a call from my fiance’s godmother (who i am acutally very close with and love dearly) who started telling me that my FSIL was again talking behind my back stating that the reason her and my fiance dont have a relationship is because of me and how horrible i am etc.. I then called my fiance again and told him… this time he just said “well we all my sister is crazy what are you going to do?”… REALLLY?!?!?!? At this point i just dont care and I’m done trying, i have stopped talking to them again but i have never confronted them.
Now we are engaged and planning the wedding. When we were discussing our bridal party we decided that we were going to use our nephew instead of my FSIL and her boyfriend. Then about 2 weeks ago my fiance suprised me by saying that he wanted all THREE of them in it. I want our nephew because I love him and dont get to see him as often as I would like. BUT I DO NOT WANT TO HER OR THE BABY DADDY IN IT!!!! I tried to explain reasoning to my fiance but he just tells me that the past is the past let it go…. My problem is I feel that the bridal party should be people who love the bride and groom and want to celebrate our marriage and be excited for us!!!! How can I put someone who is constantly talking bad about me to everyone and who seems like she doesn’t give a shit in our party???
Am I nuts for thinking this way? What do I do? I need help!!!!!! Thanks for listening!!!!!
Post # 2
yeah tell him F*** NO! Nephew yes them no! why would he want them in it?
i have a similar situation..well had i should say, but it was after we were married. My SIL talked so much shit behind everyones back everyone just thought it was normal. well one day i had had enough and called her out on everything and she told me “no one has ever talked to me the way you just talked to me” she said she had thought of me like a sister and she had said she didnt even want a relationship with me anymore after what i did but just my son and husband. she then called my husband complaining that i did so he said yeah i know. she said she couldnt believe he let me talk to her that way. BIL then called my husband chewing him out for talking to his wife that way and husband told him if you didnt have your balls in her purse you would probably think the same way as us. (shes pretty abusive physically and verbally to BIL)Needless to say we havent talked to either of them in 5 years. its sad because they have a few kids that dont even know who we are and we have never seen. we use to send birthday and christmas cards but their one child that we sometimes talk to said they havent seen anything from us since this whole thing happened. Which is pretty sad
Post # 3
No, you’re not nuts for thinking this way; you’re absolutely right.
If I was you I, I would offer two options: (1) they simply aren’t in the wedding or (2) they are in the wedding, but fiancé is in charge of handling them. If he thinks the past is the past and none of that matters now, he can handle getting their attire (you would still pick her attire), communicating with them, and everything else that is required to have them in the wedding; you’re involvement would be minimal. They can be his problem.
However, I would make it absolutely clear that his willingness to have someone who spreads lies about his fiancé be in the bridal party, regardless of familial relation, is a behavior that I don’t like and am sincerely taken aback by. I would make it clear that if the situation were reversed, I would not have that person in the wedding. I wouldn’t do this to guilt him into changing his mind or to make him feel bad, but simply to make it clear that I don’t like the decision he is making.
Post # 4
I couldn’t imagine having someone that was talking behind my back in my wedding party. No way. your wedding day is supposed to be a day where people celebrate you, love you and support you.
Post # 5
I would not have her in the wedding party. If he wants her to stand up on his side that’s one thing..but being a bridesmaid for you, no way. Your Fiance should be understanding. I have similar issused with my FSIL, and actually just backed out of her wedding because she was being an absolute bridezilla to me. I would never ask her to stand in my bridal party.
Post # 6
If he wants her on HIS side, that’s his right. Your side, your rules.
Post # 7
I’m always just a little suspicious when a “dearly loved informant” reports on the doings of a third party. Just seems to me that someone who really cared about you would prefer to remain above conferring information that mght hurt your feelings.
So the reports of these helpful people caused you to seek satisfaction from FSIL, who may or may not have been saying things about you that were untrue and unkind, and matters escalated.
So then you invloved your H2B, who apparently didn’t get too far in smoothing things over either.
I think what I might consider doing is inviting her for a cup of coffee (COFFEE) in some relatively quiet restaurant and explaining that you felt you’d both gotten off to a good start with one another and that if she was willing, you’d like to see if you couldn’t backtrack to when things went off the rails and reestablish your friendship and mutual trust.
This would definitely only work if you yourself were willing to consider that perhaps the “informants” had perhaps misstated what she was saying or perhaps that they themselves had some vested interest in roiling the waters.
It may be that FSIL’s whole family might better be passed over than involving ANY of them. Isn’t nephew quite young anyway? I can’t imagine how anyone would be too comfortable if nephew were in and mama and papa were out. Naturally they would be invited as very special guests to the wedding.
Bottom line, sometimes it’s just better to ignore what you hear and what you’re told instead of getting involved in the whole mess.
Hoping that your wedding is WONDERFUL for all present.
Post # 8
this is the same guy (your FI) who said “well my sister is crazy, what you going to do?” so his answer to his own question is to put her in your bridal party? the crazy sister? plus her BF? thats a baaadddd idea in my opinion. the nephew i say okay – hes the innocent one in this. if he really still wants her involved, get her to do a reading, or be an usher or something thats not bridal party related. this will end very badly, you know it. your FI should be more understanding of your feelings. as my friend Dr Phil says – ‘the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour” … she will do what comes naturally to her – be a two-faced back stabber.. its inevitable..
Post # 9
Ohhhh YUCK! I do not envy your position right now. This really sucks and I’m sorry that you are having to deal with it.
I agree with the PP that if he wants her on his side then that’s one thing, and I don’t know that you have much of a say in it. BUT on your side? Uh hell no! It’s probably better if y’all can come to can agreement on it but if not you might have to tell him that he’s free to pick who he wants on his side and you’ll do the same for your side.
Also, you should show him some of the crazy drama that happens between BMs and brides during wedding stuff. (There is more than enough material on this site.) This would likely strain your relationship with her even more. Perhaps she could be a reader and he an usher instead? That way they are part of the wedding but not where you have to deal with them closely.
Post # 10
Um no. My FSIL is a little overbearing and i’m not close with her so she wasn’t in my bridal party. Honestly it never occured for me to have her in it, i have my own friends and i didn’t ask DH to have my brother.
Put your foot down. Do you really want to spend the whole day with her????? NO!!!
Post # 11
ann.reid.9277: +1. This is good advice.
Post # 12
Candace3158: Sounds like the cousin and godmother are the loonies for even telling you about it in the first place. Sorry, that’s juvenile behavior on their part, stirring up trouble that’s none of their business. Now you’re in a dilemma because of hurtful things she didn’t say to your face. My advice would be to keep the peace, make family life easier for your FI, and let it go. Everyone’s entitled to talk shit every now and then. You wouldn’t even know about if those 2 cackling crows hadn’t said anything.