Post # 1
I need advice. My FI’s brother and sister in law were recently married. During the wedding planning process, I helped with everything despite NOT being asked to be a bridesmaid. I was very upset and caught off guard by not being asked, since I have been “in the family” for 2 years. I later found out that the future SIL had been bad mouthing me AND my FI to his family, and hers, multiple times. I have never bad mouthed her or really thought anything bad of her; she’s nice enough but I have never had ill thoughts of her (until I found out of course) Even knowing all of this I still helped her with everything for her wedding, especially when her bridesmaids and maid of honor bailed and was never there for her. Well, now obviously I am engaged and will be choosing my bridal party very soon. The future SIL has hinted (very strongly, and mutiple times) that she should be a bridesmaid. We have had a rocky past, but recently it hasn’t been too bad. She has offered to help any way she can and seems sincere. However, I have not let my guard down and I am unsure if she will bad mouth me behind my back again. My mother and best friend do NOT want her apart of my big day, but I feel really guilty. I feel like I want to be the bigger person and let her be a bridesmaid, but at the same time she has hurt me a lot and I don’t feel she deserves that title, no matter how much she helps me. She also never thanked me for being there more than her bridesmaids. WHAT DO I DO?! I’m sorry this is so long- any help is greatly appreciated!! Thanks in advance!
Post # 3
- Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall
@danioneill: Personally I wouldn’t have her in my wedding party given that past.
Post # 4
- Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY
I would definitely not have her in your wedding party. She was kind of a real jerk to you.
Post # 6
@danioneill: H3ll no! If she asked you to be a BM it would be a different story, but why should you be obliged to ask her if she never asked you? There is no obligation and no need to ask her or justify yourself. Ignore her hinting.
Post # 7
It’s tricky, as not not hurt her feelings make sure you have a party full of ppl you know very well so tis like there simply isn’t any room.. then she can’t get offended mind you it sounds like she will
I would not want her part of the day b.c she hurt you and it soudns like it would upset your mom and how your mom feels is important too. it’s not like she asked you so no need to feel like you have to
Post # 8
@danioneill: Your bridal party shouldn’t be out of obligation. Especially when a person shit-talked you to your future family. No way in hell.
Post # 9
Thanks everyone, I appreciate you all being honest. It’s still a hard decision especially since the sides will be lopsided. I’ll have just my best friend and my two sisters and my FI will have his best friend and his two brothers plus one. So 3 on mine, and 4 on his- I think it’s going to look like I did it on purpose, when actually I don’t mind it being lopsided at all. Thank you! Though, I need to think about it some more 🙁
Post # 10
No. Maybe if you want her to still be a part of the big day give her something else to do like a reading or something but don’t burden yourself by including her in the wedding party.
Post # 11
@danioneill: She’s you FI’s brother’s wife, right? Then nope. Not in it. The brother should be in it and leave it at that. Especially if she was a witch to you in the past.
Post # 12
@danioneill: Could you ask anyone else to be the 4th? Or ask FI to drop the last guy so you guys are even and it’s truly “siblings” only (plus one bff)?
Post # 13
- Wedding: October 2014 - Squaw Valley
@danioneill: My opinion is going to be the minority one here, but maybe asking her wouldn’t be a terrible thing. If a. you guys have gotten to a better place and are working on a more positive relationship, b. you are one BM short, and c. she’s already offered to help you through your planning process. Maybe she realized she was a jerk to you in the past and wants to make up for it? Also I think that not including her when you have 3 BMs vs. his 4GMs could be more of a set back in your relationship.
Post # 15
Have you ever ‘cleared the air’ with her and asked her about the bad mouthing? You could be honest and say that you really want people who love and support you in your wedding party. And that you think your relationship with her is in a good place but you were kind of hurt by the way she talked about you in the past.
If she likes you now she will probably be apologetic and embarassed. If there are still residual bad feelings there…you will know that by her guilty face and actions.