(Closed) Future SIL/EXBM Causing Family Crisis! Help!!

posted 9 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
796 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

I’m really sorry this is happening to you. I think maybe you need to take a little break from your family to figure things out. It is unfortunate your brother chose to involve you in this so much – it’s not his fault, he was hurting and needed your help, but now all you know about this girlfriend is that she broke his heart and that doesn’t make you feel very good about her. I think you are perfectly within reason to not include her in the wedding party – when you did originally she was a sweet girl who loved your brother and might be your sister, now she seems like a potential adulterer and heart-breaker! But…your mom is probably right. Is it worth it to have your brother and mother upset with you over this girl? So she’ll be there, so will lots of other people and you can just ignore her.  While I would probably want to disinvite her too, I think in the interest of family harmony you have to include her and try your best to ignore her.

Post # 4
Member
5823 posts
Bee Keeper

I’m with you all the way!!  It’s your wedding, and you don’t want her there.  Tell your mom and bro and everyone who insists that she come that she is not welcome and no, you won’t just get over it.  Even if she becomes your FSIL, you will always resent her insistence that she get her money back (SERIOUSLY I CAN’T BELIEVE SHE EVEN ASKED) and her pushing to get invited.  You don’t need to be thinking about her on your wedding day, so tell her directly that she is not invited.  Even if she does come, tell her that she will not be in any of the pictures (as YOU are paying for the photographer).  Everyone can insist that you invite her, but you still don’t have to.  Tell them that you’re inviting guests who are close to you and friends of yours and she’s not on that list.  Lastly, talk to your brother (you seem close) and ask him to talk to her about not coming.  Tell him it means a lot to you that he’s there, but you just don’t feel comfortable with her there after all the drama she has caused you and your BM and FH.

I think she is crazy to think that she was still your BM after she broke your brother’s heart!!!  (But then, my ex-bf still thought he would be my nephew’s godfather…uh, no!)

Post # 5
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

Who needs the stress???

Ou have every right to disinvite her as a Bm.  And even if your brotehr and she get engaged, don’t be pressured into reinviting her.  Who knows if they’ll still be together come the wedding.  If I was her, I certainly wouldn’t have the nerve to ask for a refund.  Or expect to still be in the wedding.  However, she asked, you refunded with the help of a sweet understanding friend. That situation is done.  You can be happy that it’s one less stress around your wedding.

As for inviting her to the wedding, I agree with ES123.  While it is your wedding, and you could pull rank, you seem to love your brother too much, to exacerbate this problem between the two of you.  You will be so busy on your wedding day, you won’t have time to hang out with her.  I agree with Mighty about not having her in pictures.  Make it clear to your family that she will not be in them.  You are unsure about the longevity of the relationship and don’t want a potential ex in your wedding memories. 

I would actually find a time to sit down and talk to her.  It’s better to be honest and let her know where she stands in a gentle way.  Don’t blow up at her.  Just tell her, that you are still hurt by what she had done, but for your brother’s sake you’re making an effort to be civil.  It’s OK to tell her you’re not friends right now.  But for the family and future gatherings, I think you’ll want agree to be civil.   

I know you are really pissed. I know you don’t want to see her ever again.  But unfortunately for you, your brother took her back.  You are probably going to have to be the bigger person.  Good luck.

Post # 6
Member
45 posts
Newbee

 She is one person, and a lot of other people will be at the wedding.  If you don’t invite her, your family will be upset and you’ll have to deal with that.  On your wedding day, you will probably be so busy and involved with your other guests that you won’t even notice her much, unless you make a big deal about her.  (Unless of course you think she plans on sabotaging your wedding, and in that case, I wouldn’t invite her.)

Maybe it’s just me, but I think you’re overreacting.  First, if you kick her out of your wedding party, I can see why she would want her dress money back.  Especially since she is back together with your brother. You’re the one who made it awkward by involving your BM.  Personally, I would have just sucked it up and paid her back out of my pocket.

I’m assuming you’ve told your brother how you feel about her.  If he still chooses to be with her, then I think you should be more supportive of that.  Maybe they’ve worked out their issues and are now fine?  Six years is a long time to be with someone, especially when you are in college/high school and still growing.  So I can understand how she might have some issuse to work through and some maturing to do.  Anyway, to me, it’s not like they were married and he came home to find her cheating on him.  They were dating, she was losing interest in the relationship, and she and your brother ended up breaking up.  Lots of people break up.  And, of course, after dating so long, it’s going to upset your brother, which is in turn going to upset you and your family.  But can you really hate her for that?  I’m sure she didn’t plan to breakup with your brother just to ruin your wedding.  Things just turned out that way. People break up every day–not everyone is meant to be together.  Your brother and her have hopefully figured everything out now, and if he truly wants to be with her, I think you should try to give them a chance.  Holding on to anger only hurts you, and it has obviously made a bad situation in your family even worse.

 

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