Post # 1
The weekend before Christmas my little brother, my only sibling, was going to propose to his GF of 6 years in our hometown in PA. To celebrate my FH and I were going to throw them an engagement after the public proposal for everyone at my parent’s home. We were also going to use that weeekend to celebrate my FH’s first Christmas with my family, opening gifts, going to church, a nice meal, the works. A week before the proposal, my brother’s GF, who is still in college, penned a letter to a guy "friend" of hers expressing how she really wanted to be with him (the guy "friend") and other terrible things that were essentially a love letter to someone this guy "friend". My brother, who was helping his GF study for finals (my brother has been out of school for a year) saw the letter on her computer and of course asked her about it which lead her to confess she had feelings and considered herself kind of emotionally dating this other guy and my poor brother was devastated and blind sided and long story short broke off the engagement.
After the break up my bro came to stay with my FH and I in VA and it was an awful couple of days — seeing him so hurt and torn apart…as someone who is planning their own wedding and deeply excited about all aspects, from the superficial to the super serious, I (and my FH) could really understand where all the hurt and confusion would come from. He stayed with us for a few days and then returned to PA.
The Fall Out
Since then, he has (somehow; inexplicably), reunited with his EXGF. The EXGF even went to my parents and my grandmother and apologized for her behavior and her actions. My parents are taking it slow (and hopefully so is my brother) in welcoming her back but they have forgiven her and are trying to move on.
I on the other hand, have not. While I’m past the part where she hurt my brother TERRIBLY she has since been quasi-ruining things for me and especially for my wedding.
- Christmas with my family was TERRIBLE. My FH and I went home the weeekend the proposal was supposed to happen and we tried to celebrate anyway. My brother was a mess and you could cut the tension with a knife. My brother also tried to reconcile with his exgf on CHRISTMAS EVE, leaving my mother alone in our home, crying on the phone to me because she was sad and lonely, and essentially busting up my Christmas Eve between my FH and I because I spent the whole night upset about what was going on with my family.
- The EXGF had been asked to be a bridesmaid. When my brother broke up with her, I told him that she would not be included in the wedding. Apparently she didn’t ever get that memo and recently found out about being excluded. She threw a major crying fit and demanded her money back for the dress.
- My mother, for the sake of reconiliation, demanded that I find a way to refund the money to the EXGF. I finally had to awkwardly ask a BM who is a dear friend to pay me for her (the BM’s dress) and I could give the EXGF that money and the bridal salon could use the money they already recieved for the EXGF’s dress for my BM’s dress (AS A BRIDE I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD NOT BE DEALING WITH THIS NONSENS!!!). My mother and I also had an uncomfortable and unsettling stand off while the details were being worked out.
- And the coup de gras is that I do NOT under any circumstances want the EXGF at my wedding. To me she has put SO MUCH of what is supposed to be a relatively happy and stress free time (with my family at LEAST!) and when I show up that day at the chapel, the thought of seeing her there makes my heart sink. My family, especially my mother, thinks differently. They think her wanton disinclusion (is that a word?!) is going to make me look like a bad person and that she may actually end up as my FSIL (?!?!?!) one day and that it would create really bad blood going forward.
I feel so bullied and ganged up on. I have no idea how, despite the fact she has made ammends, apparently with my brother, an exBM would even WANT to come my wedding. It’s causing HUGE tension between my mom and me and I don’t want to fight anymore. I also REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY don’t want her there. And my mom just doesn’t want to hear it. And frankly all this fighting between my family and I is making me resent the EX now GF even MORE because I should be enjoying the 6 months before my wedding with my mother, not fighting about this not so nice girl.
Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill?! Please help! I’m so upset!
Post # 3
I’m really sorry this is happening to you. I think maybe you need to take a little break from your family to figure things out. It is unfortunate your brother chose to involve you in this so much – it’s not his fault, he was hurting and needed your help, but now all you know about this girlfriend is that she broke his heart and that doesn’t make you feel very good about her. I think you are perfectly within reason to not include her in the wedding party – when you did originally she was a sweet girl who loved your brother and might be your sister, now she seems like a potential adulterer and heart-breaker! But…your mom is probably right. Is it worth it to have your brother and mother upset with you over this girl? So she’ll be there, so will lots of other people and you can just ignore her. While I would probably want to disinvite her too, I think in the interest of family harmony you have to include her and try your best to ignore her.
Post # 4
I’m with you all the way!! It’s your wedding, and you don’t want her there. Tell your mom and bro and everyone who insists that she come that she is not welcome and no, you won’t just get over it. Even if she becomes your FSIL, you will always resent her insistence that she get her money back (SERIOUSLY I CAN’T BELIEVE SHE EVEN ASKED) and her pushing to get invited. You don’t need to be thinking about her on your wedding day, so tell her directly that she is not invited. Even if she does come, tell her that she will not be in any of the pictures (as YOU are paying for the photographer). Everyone can insist that you invite her, but you still don’t have to. Tell them that you’re inviting guests who are close to you and friends of yours and she’s not on that list. Lastly, talk to your brother (you seem close) and ask him to talk to her about not coming. Tell him it means a lot to you that he’s there, but you just don’t feel comfortable with her there after all the drama she has caused you and your BM and FH.
I think she is crazy to think that she was still your BM after she broke your brother’s heart!!! (But then, my ex-bf still thought he would be my nephew’s godfather…uh, no!)
Post # 5
Who needs the stress???
Ou have every right to disinvite her as a Bm. And even if your brotehr and she get engaged, don’t be pressured into reinviting her. Who knows if they’ll still be together come the wedding. If I was her, I certainly wouldn’t have the nerve to ask for a refund. Or expect to still be in the wedding. However, she asked, you refunded with the help of a sweet understanding friend. That situation is done. You can be happy that it’s one less stress around your wedding.
As for inviting her to the wedding, I agree with ES123. While it is your wedding, and you could pull rank, you seem to love your brother too much, to exacerbate this problem between the two of you. You will be so busy on your wedding day, you won’t have time to hang out with her. I agree with Mighty about not having her in pictures. Make it clear to your family that she will not be in them. You are unsure about the longevity of the relationship and don’t want a potential ex in your wedding memories.
I would actually find a time to sit down and talk to her. It’s better to be honest and let her know where she stands in a gentle way. Don’t blow up at her. Just tell her, that you are still hurt by what she had done, but for your brother’s sake you’re making an effort to be civil. It’s OK to tell her you’re not friends right now. But for the family and future gatherings, I think you’ll want agree to be civil.
I know you are really pissed. I know you don’t want to see her ever again. But unfortunately for you, your brother took her back. You are probably going to have to be the bigger person. Good luck.
Post # 6
She is one person, and a lot of other people will be at the wedding. If you don’t invite her, your family will be upset and you’ll have to deal with that. On your wedding day, you will probably be so busy and involved with your other guests that you won’t even notice her much, unless you make a big deal about her. (Unless of course you think she plans on sabotaging your wedding, and in that case, I wouldn’t invite her.)
Maybe it’s just me, but I think you’re overreacting. First, if you kick her out of your wedding party, I can see why she would want her dress money back. Especially since she is back together with your brother. You’re the one who made it awkward by involving your BM. Personally, I would have just sucked it up and paid her back out of my pocket.
I’m assuming you’ve told your brother how you feel about her. If he still chooses to be with her, then I think you should be more supportive of that. Maybe they’ve worked out their issues and are now fine? Six years is a long time to be with someone, especially when you are in college/high school and still growing. So I can understand how she might have some issuse to work through and some maturing to do. Anyway, to me, it’s not like they were married and he came home to find her cheating on him. They were dating, she was losing interest in the relationship, and she and your brother ended up breaking up. Lots of people break up. And, of course, after dating so long, it’s going to upset your brother, which is in turn going to upset you and your family. But can you really hate her for that? I’m sure she didn’t plan to breakup with your brother just to ruin your wedding. Things just turned out that way. People break up every day–not everyone is meant to be together. Your brother and her have hopefully figured everything out now, and if he truly wants to be with her, I think you should try to give them a chance. Holding on to anger only hurts you, and it has obviously made a bad situation in your family even worse.