Post # 1
So, I’m not very close with my family, so I have a very close-knit group of girlfriends who have always treated me as such. I’ve either spent holidays, gone on family vacations, been loved/reprimanded by their parents at some time or another for years. I couldn’t imagine not having the five of them standing with me on my big day.
The problem is, my guy has four sisters (2 are SILs, but they’re a really close family). They’re all really great, but I wouldn’t say we’re close. My guy says it’s fine if they’re not BMs, and I’m not expecting my three brothers to be his GMs. (I might ask a brother to give me away, but it’s likely that I’ll walk down the aisle alone- the feminist in me loves this idea!) I’ve already asked my girls, and there’s already more BMs than GMs, which I’m fine with.
I know his sisters are all really excited about a wedding (there hasn’t been a wedding for a while) and aren’t pressuring me to ask, but I know they’d love it. Am I a total jerk for not asking them?
Post # 3
No. It is your wedding. Maybe you could include them in another way?
Post # 4
I would stick with your girlfriends as BM’s. My guy has 5 sisters & while I love them & we are all really close, I have had my BM’s who are my closest girlfriends, chosen for years.
Post # 5
No way. We’re including my FSIL, but A- there’s only one sister, not four, and B- they’re twins. It would honestly be weird to leave his twin sister out. His brothers are only ushers tho, and if we had decided not to have ushers they would have had no role and I wouldn’t have felt bad. Being siblings doesn’t automatically guarantee a role in the wedding, especially when there are so many of them.
It would be nice to include them somehow if you could tho. Perhaps they could be walked down just ahead of the mothers/grandmothers so that they get some recognition as well?
Post # 6
No. I’m sure in different circumstances you’d like to have them. But seeing that there are 4 of them, they probably had their share of being BMs. It’s a lot to have 4 as a package deal. 1…OK, 2….maybe.
How about asking them to go dress shopping or visiting venues? You could take them to the food tasting. Or give opinions on favors or invitations. I bet they’ll be great objective resources, without the drama. Be sure to thank them with a special gift at the RD or something.
Post # 7
You aren’t being a jerk(or….I am too!)!
My fiance has a sister, I have a brother…neither one of us is inviting the others sibling to be part of the bridal party. We certainly would have if we didn’t each already have 5 attendants on our side…but we do, and I’m sure our siblings understand.
And trust me…with 4 potential girls to add to your party…they’ll understand too!
Post # 8
I think you should stick to your guns and keep your wedding party the way you had originally envisioned. It is always hard to manage family expectations but if your FH doesn’t have an issue with it, then I would rely on him to support your decision and also potentially smooth things over with the sisters if they indicate they are upset.
In our wedding party, my FH has two best men (couldn’t decide between the two) and I have a MOH and one bridesmaid. Everyone in the wedding party is not family but close friends. We have already received criticism on why no family members were in the wedding party when all previous weddings have incorporated immediate family.
We discussed and provided our logic to family members when they brought it up. To make things less "offensive" to the family, we will involve some members as readers and will recognize them when offering gifts of live during our ceremony.
Post # 9
I think that number of sisters alone makes it ok that they aren’t in your wedding. If he had one sister, then it might be nice to add her to your 5 bridesmaids. But to add his 4 sisters to your 5 bridesmaids would be a little crazy. Perhaps you could ask them to do readings? Or even just walking down the aisle in front of the mothers would be nice too.
And I think that people don’t feel like they have to be IN the wedding to be part of it. Just going to lunch with them to talk about colors or favors or things like that would probably make them feel very included.
Post # 10
My fiance has only 1 sister, and I knew her before I ever knew fiance, so she’s in for sure… but I definitely wouldn’t feel obligated. You should choose the people who are close to you, especially in your case where your friends are like family to you.
The FSILs can usher or do readings or just be there to support the both of you. With such a great and close family like it sounds like they have, I think they’ll be cool with it.
Post # 11
4 is a lot to add to your already nice-size bridal party – but on the other hand, you will see them at EVRY family function for the rest of your life. Would there be resentment on their side if they weren’t included in the bridal party? Can you include them in another way, such has having one do a reading, one man the guest book, etc? You might talk to them and see if they’d want to play a bigger role in the wedding, or if they are ok with just being guests. Either way, good luck!
Post # 12
I agree with DoctorGirl…maybe ask them each to do a reading to make them feel involved. Dont’ feel obliged to add them to your wedding party. They’re being unreasonable if they expect you to. My future SIL is my fiance’s "best man" (yes, that is confusing as all get-out), so that made my life a lot easier because I dont’ have to worry about her being upset that I didnt’ ask her to be a bridesmaid. Although, I invited her to come to the bachelorette weekend to make her feel included and she declined (via facebook message, come on!) so maybe it’s a good thing that she’s not in my side of the wedding!
Post # 13
Yeah, you’re not obligated. Sounds like you’ve gotten some good advice. I can see this from two sides: the FSIL as well as the bride.
For me, we’re not having a wedding party. If we did, I think it would feel really weird to have my FSIL as a BM. She will be doing a reading, but she and my FI are practiacally best friends and even though I like her I’m not sure I would choose her as a BM. I feel weird admitting it, but honestly I would not want her to be a BM. Can’t pinpoint why, but it would make me uncomfortable.
Now, my brother is getting married in Oct. and I just found out that his fiance wanted to see if I was interested in being a BM — out of courtesy, I guess, because at the time we hadn’t met due to distance — and although I am totally OK with not being in the wedding I wish they had asked me. My bro decided for me and said I wouldn’t be interested. Hmm…
Post # 14
i agree, i think what youre doing is fine, and the suggestion to have them do a reading is a good one too. if you dont want to go that route, you could always order flowers for them as well (a corsage, or some for their hair), or give them all a simple pretty necklace or something to acknowledge them (again, totally NOT necessary, but if you are searching for a way to include them….)
Post # 15
I wouldn’t worry about including them. Honestly, I didn’t even think about including my sister in law until well after I had picked my bridesmaids…it just didn’t even occur to me that this was something people did (I knew her then, but not nearly as well as I know her now) But as someone mentioned, she’s been (and continues to be) a bridesmaid tons of times, and I think she’ll enjoy spending the time with her family rather than worrying about "taking care of the bride" and going through pictures and hair and make up and all that stuff. Also, her little girl is our flowergirl so she’s still represented in the wedding party. That’s how I see it anyway. My fiancee’s sister in law (married to his brother) is doing a reading. Just find ways to include them; they’ll appreciate that, I think.
Post # 16
Given how excited your FSILs sound, I think that including them in some way would be a really nice gesture…but I definitely don’t think you need to make them BM’s. Of course, we’re being totally non-traditional and I’ve got my sister, my brother, my BFF, and my childhood BFF on my side and he’s got his sister, his BFF, and his ‘female’ childhood BFF on his…the boys will be totally outnumbered! But even something like special corsages (and maybe a nice little gift?) would be a nice way of letting them know that you look forward to being each other’s family. A reading would be nice as well, but it seems to me that maybe that’s something your FH should ask given that you say you’re not that close. It could also be cute to have his sisters give a joint toast or something…