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Did YOU ever call her directly? She may have been waiting for you. Obviously she is going to know you are engaged but she may have taken it personally that you didn't take it upon yourself to contact her directly and share the news.
Don't talk to her about it. Let it go.
Yes, it was rude and petty of her not to congratulate her bro. But if you want to have any hope of developing a better relationship with her, the LAST thing you want to do is to come across as scolding her for how she treats her brother. You will be perceived as trying to stir up trouble, coming between him and the family, etc.
If he is upset, it's his place to deal with that. Otherwise you just set yourself up as the scapegoat, the person who is "causing trouble."
As to how she treats YOU - that's somewhat different. If she continues being outright rude to you, then her brother should talk to her about it and tell her she can't continue to treat his fiance this way.
@june42011: Yes, I probably should have clarified. We did call his parents house a number of times that weekend asking to talk to her and she was never available. He also called her cell and she never returned the call.
"She can be very difficult, selfish and downright mean to me and basically anyone that is close to her."
Umm... if you knew she could be a b**** from the beginning, why are you shocked now when she wasn't going out of her way to congratulate you guys on your engagement? By your description, her behavior doesn't seem atypical.
Move forward with your wedding planning, it's your day... not hers. If you continue to dwell on her feelings... this entire process will not be a positive one for you.
Also, congratulations on your engagement!
@mightywombat: Thank you, this is great advice. It's just hard when you see someone hurting a person you love- you know? But you're right, saying anything to her will probably just make it worse and make me look like a bully.
Luckily I have an amazing fiance and he has stuck up for me to her in the past. (Which is maybe why I feel like I need to stick up for him now. But you're right, it's not my battle.) He knows she can be irrational, so until she does anything directly to me, I will take a deep breath and try to let this one go.
@TamiN: You're right. I guess I always hope for the best from her. I need to set my expectations much lower in the future.
truthfully, it's not that big of a deal. If she's still trying to come to grips with it, then you can't expect her to force a sentiment she doesn't feel yet. Essentially you're upset with her b/c she took too long to congratulate you guys? Sorry, but that feels somewhat petty to me. My sister is the same way - I've just learned to ignore her behavior and take everything with a grain of salt. Don't stress it, and try not to make a big deal of it. I understand you're hurt, but you can't criticize someone for something as minute as this.
You can't project your relationship with your sister onto your FI and his sister. They are obviously not the same.
Therefore:
Yes, you are blowing this out of proportion.
No, don't talk to her about it.
In regard to what's going to happen with her in the future- why borrow trouble? It's a total waste of energy to worry about what's going to happen with her in the future.
@bunnyfoofoo: "coming to grips" with one of the happiest times in our lives? I just think it's very selfish of her. She can't be happy for us? Or even take a few minutes out of her day to call her brother? I don't think I'm being petty. This is a huge deal, we're both over the moon about being engaged, and his only sister can't congratulate him?
I'm just saying that if "She's had some really difficult and heartbreaking relationships," especially some that she anticipated would lead to marriage, she's probably feeling the sting from that. My sister is going through the same thing (she made a very difficult choice to break off her engagement) so she's avoiding me right now b/c she doesn't want to be surrounded by "wedding central" because it hurts her. I get it, I'm not happy about it, but that's how it is, and I can't fault her for protecting herself from rehashing all that.
@LindsayLou1: while it may 'be selfish' of her, you are also taking it way too personally. In a perfect world, everyone will be equally excited and thrilled about your wedding as you are. But, as you alluded to, perhaps she has some issues with the fact her baby brother is getting married. Even if that's the case, I don't think this is the issue to go to war with her over by making it known how upset you are about it.
I think you should do your best to let it go, and focus on happy aspects of your planning and people who are enthusiastic about it!
@bunnyfoofoo: Thank you for clarifying. I can understand that this might be hard for her, considering her relationship woes.
I have to say, I've been stewing about this for a number of days now and the advice I've been given in the past few minutes on this board has really given me better perspecitve on the situation. Breathe, Lindsay, breathe! :)
While I do think you are making a bigger deal out of this than it deserves, I can very much relate to your feelings of disappointment and resentment. If I were you, I'd feel that I deserved excitement and happy congratulations from my FI's sister, especially since I was close to my own. Unfortunately, not everyone can put aside their own discomfort to celebrate in your happiness now, I'd really suggest you leave this be.
Congrats on your engagement though and welcome to WB. happy planning!!
Yes you are blowing it out of proportion
Do NOT talk to her about it.
If you foresee her being a problem in the future, you will just make it worse by saying something now. She will only become defensive and go out of her way to be negative and a problem.
She may just be having a really hard time accepting that her little brother is getting married before her. This can be a very hurtful thing depending on what is going on in her life. Cut her some slack. This is a very happy time in your life and her not congratulating you is just a small blimp on that happiness.
Let her do her own thing, hopefully she will come around eventually. If not, just ignore anything negative that she does.
I know it's hard, but it's the best thing to do.
I have an extremely difficult FSIL, who shares some characterstics with yours. She is selfish, has to be the center of attention, rude, and often mean to her brother and mother. I have an extremely hard time being around her. One thing I have learned after being with my fiance for the last five years is that I can't get in the middle of my fiance and his sister. I have to let him hold his own. It took me a while to learn this and my fiance a while to realize how greatly her behaivor upset me. So now I let my fiance take the lead any time we are in a situation involving her. The best thing to do is to just let it go. For example my fiance's sister is jealous of the fact, that we are getting married, although she was married three years ago, because it takes the spotlight off her. So she will try to talk down about our decesions or try to make it seem like our wedding is not important. My response to anything she asks be about the wedding is to just gush about how excited fiance and I are and how this wedding is a total reflection of who we are as a couple. I don't let her get under my skin anymore.
I'd drop it. She may have wanted to tell you congrats in person. I know that's what I would have done. Coming from being the big sister who's brother got engaged before me, and after I had just called off my own engagement. It was very hard to be happy when my heart was breaking. I think I did a good job of covering but I know that I was probably snarky at times. I love my brother and my sister-in-law. Just keep in mind how she is and don't try to push the friendship. It will come in time. Mine has with my SIL.
Here it is a nutshell: Being angry and acting negatively towards her will only make you look bad. BUT if you are crying, truly hurt -- now that is untouchable. How close are you with your fiancee's mother? Bring her along to try on dresses and go out to lunch afterwards -- or try to find some time alone with her. In a delicate, sweet way, let her know how it's been troubling you. Turn on the tear factory, darling! Explain how important family is to you, how important your FSIL is to you, and how much a good relationship with her means to you. You'd be speaking truth and if your FSIL is a bitch about how you feel, she's making herself look bad. And if all else fails, kill her with kindness.
Same thing happened with me when I got engaged (which was 8 years ago LOL). His sister was younger than him but older than me, and had made comments before we got engaged about how she should get married first as the oldest daughter (even though he was the oldest child) and even tried to talk him out of ring shopping at one point. She never said congratulations to me (her reaction to him when he told her was 'I knew it' but no congrats) and never once asked to see the ring....even though I saw her looking at my finger at family events when she didn't think I was looking LOL. In fact, when another relative once asked to see it she looked the OTHER WAY and then when said relative said how beautiful it was she actually left the conversation LOL. Be prepared, if this is her feelings towards it, she will continue to say or do things that may hurt you....I know mine did (comments about what kind of dress I should get for my 'first' wedding, changing the subject from my wedding to her job / new apartment / anything else, saying no when we asked if she'd like to do a reading in the church and then telling us a week before the wedding she had changed her mind...at which point it was too late and she was forced to sit with the rest of the guests in the church, etc). Don't bother to bring it up, laugh at the ridiculousness of the situation, and enjoy your engagement and wedding planning and forget those less excited for you. If this has always been your relationship with her, she'll never change. Just remember to always be supportive of your man and his relationship with her...you don't have to be best friends but he will always love her and that's OK.
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Hi!
This is my first post- I've only been engaged for 2 weeks!
I've had a rocky relationship with my fiance's sister. She can be very difficult, selfish and downright mean to me and basically anyone that is close to her. She's a few years older than me and my fiance, and I'm pretty sure that she is upset that we are engaged before her. She's had some really difficult and heartbreaking relationships, so I feel for her in that department. However, after my fiance and I got engaged it took her a WEEK AND A HALF to congratulate us. We talked to his parents three times the weekend we got engaged and she couldn't be bothered to come to the phone once(she was there visiting). On top of that, she lives ONE BLOCK away from us. She finally congratulated us when my fiance went to her birthday dinner- so basically it took him going to see her and celebrate her in order for her to say anything. I was and still am so angry that she took so long to say anything to us. I don't care so much that she took so long to say anything to me, I'm more upset for my fiance. I'm really close with my sister, and if she took a week and a half to congratulate me on one of the biggest moments of my life, I would be devestated. My fiance says I'm making a bigger deal of it that I should be- but I know him and I know that he was hurt that it took her so long to say anything.
I have three questions:
Am I blowing this whole thing out of proportion?
How do I or should I talk to her about it? I haven't said anything other than thanking her after she finally congratulated us. I'm still upset and I know it doesn't help to keep this bottled up.
How do I move forward with my wedding planning? I'm so worried that this is going to be the first of many instances that she is going to cause a riff in an otherwise happy time in our lives.
Any advice is greatly appreciated!