Future Sister In Law

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
42469 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

MouthOfTheSouth:  The problem is not yours to fix. It is not your fault that your FSIL is immature. You are under no obligation to ask her to be a BM. Your FI is being unreasonable as he did not ask your siblings to be a groomsman. He is expecting something of you that he did not do himself.

Post # 3
Member
320 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Restaurant

I agree with the previous post.  You don’t have to include your FSIL in your wedding party, especially since you two arn’t that close.  Your finace is being a dick about it… it’s not your problem to fix, it’s his sister.  I think asking the flower girl and sending the cookies was really nice of you!  People are crazy. 

Post # 5
Member
851 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013 - The front lawn of our church

MouthOfTheSouth:  I echo what PP said. You are in no way obligated to ask her to be a BM. But maybe in an effort to smooth things over, either your FI or his dad could explain to her that you’re not even having your familiy in the bridal party and that you asked her daughter to be the flower girl as an effort to reach out to her. Try to be really kind about it and non-confrontational. If you sound like you’re defending yourself she’ll probably just get more mad.  

Post # 6
Member
2871 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

 

MouthOfTheSouth:  Nope, not your problem to fix.  His family, his problem to fix.  End of story.  And he fixes it by telling HIS sister that the wedding party has already been picked.   Family does not get automatically picked. 

If he says “No, you need to do it.”  I would ask him how he would feel if you demanded that both your brother and step brother needed to be groomsmen. 

Post # 7
Member
3769 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

Did the two of you not talk about this before you asked your wedding party? Your FI should have told you this before you made your decision.  At this point the damage is done eitherway.

Post # 10
Member
3769 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

MouthOfTheSouth:  Asking a FSIL that you don’t have a close relationship is something a lot of people struggle with. I think offer that to them as a way to get to know them and show that they are important as part of your new family is nice. I guess you kind of knew that her feelings would be hurt, in some families it is their tradition to include all siblings in the wedding party. At this point I don’tthink there is anything you can do that will change her hurt feelings, maybe just given time she will get oer it. It never hurts to talk to to her and tell her exactly what you told regarding the roles of your siblings in thewedding. I wouldn’t necesarily put your FI in the middle and make him deal with it on his own, but the two of you should present as a united front to your family memebers. Good luck!

Post # 11
Member
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

Fiance says “I told you she would be mad. You need to find a way to fix it.”

Umm, no. If it was THAT important, he would have mentioned it before you asked your girls. And, even then, it is your party to choose, not his. What would he think if you started to raise a stink about your brother not being in the wedding party? Anyway, this isn’t your problem to fix. Not even sure how you fix an overdramatic 40 year old.

Post # 12
Member
7279 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

F her. I love people whose egos are in the forefront. She has no relationship with you but expects a BM spot. Please. If your FH is moved, he should have her as  Broomsmaid. Dont give in. 

Post # 13
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

“Fiance says “I told you she would be mad. You need to find a way to fix it.”

I’d be as annoyed with your FI as I was with his sister if this is the unsupportive way he plans to address the situation. However, and I don’t say this to be critical, if he had told you she’d be mad if not invited, it might have been something worth considering at the outset so you could be prepared for the shitstorm that would follow your decision not to have her as a BM. Quite honestly, it sounds as if they all have the emotional maturity of the schoolyard.

Your SIL is not entitled to be a bridesmaid and ought to be able to understand that you can’t have a bridal party of unlimited size. How you deal with it depends on the magnitude of the consequences. If she “doesn’t like you anymore” is this a tragedy? Or will her attitude tarnish your wedding and onwards into your marriage? Will it cause a genuine and serious rift with your FI? Because while I totally disagree with giving into this sort of demanding behaviour, it is worth considering the long term effects and whether you are happy with putting up with them.

Personally, I’d be tempted to tell her to eff off and then when she gets there, eff off a little further. This response would, however, drag you down to the same level as her! 

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by  .
Post # 14
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

MouthOfTheSouth:  Uh, no – you don’t need to find a way to fix this.  You didn’t do anything wrong.  Your FSIL needs to grow the fuck up and your FFIL needs to stop being her flying monkey.  Shame on your FI for not squashing this and instead putting it on you. 

Even if your FI and his sister were close, you wouldn’t owe it to her to ask her to be a bridesmaid. But they’re so distant they dont even have one another’s phone numbers? And she is threatening like a two year old to hates you forevers if you don’t ask? GTFO.

I suggest you do one of two things – tell your FI that his sisters tantrum is not your responsibility. This is HIS family and he can deal with this silly drama if he likes but you will not.

Or, 

Write your FSIL and cc your FI and say, 

“Broonhilda – FFIL called FI and told him you were very upset at not being asked to be a bridesmaid in the wedding and that if you weren’t asked it would cause a permanent family rift.

Please know it was never my intention to upset or anger you.  If you would like to be a bridesmaid, I would be delighted to have you stand up with us.  Please let me know if you want to accept.”

This firmly calls her and your FFIL out on their atrocious behavior by stating the facts, makes no apologies, is gracious and gives her what she wants in a way that lets her know she’s ONLY being asked to appease her and spare the family her tantrum.  

 

Post # 15
Member
992 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

MouthOfTheSouth:  As  Iwas reading this all I could think was Oh no! she found your blog and twitter, what if she finds this post!? I hope not but toally agree with PP that it’s not your problem to fix.

My mom wants me to force my FI to have my 3 brothers as groomsmen so I totally feel where you’re coming from on people wanting/expecting things they shouldn’t of your bridal party! 

Hope your FSIL realized how petty she is being!

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