Post # 1
Well. I feel like I’ve finally made it in the wedding world now that my future sister in law is mad at me. My fiance and I have been together for 3.5 years. I’ve seen his sister maybe 5 times total. She lives about 7 hours away from us so we really only see her on holidays. She came to my mom’s funeral a few months ago which I appreciated. His sister took about 2.5 years to warm up to me- she is just one of those people who takes time. Even at Christmas this year she said very few words to me- we just really don’t have much to talk about. She is almost 40, married, has a daughter, lives in a super small town and doesn’t really like any “girly” stuff.Well, she found my blog (which doesn’t have my name on it ANYWHERE) and my twitter and when I say she responds to literally everything I say on both, she does. I wake up in the morning and she will have sent me a facebook message with some advice about something that I might have tweeted about. I figured she was just trying to warm up to me so we exchanged some messages on facebook. When we got engaged, I decided that we would ask her daughter to be our flowergirl. I figured that would be a nice way to include his sisters family in our wedding. I sent her a bouquet of cookie flowers as my little way to ask her. I saw that they were delivered on Tuesday afternoon and by Wednesday afternoon when his sister hadn’t sent me a message on facebook saying she received them, I sent her one. She responded “She is so excited. We wanted to call but we don’t have (fiance’s) number or yours.” I’ve always thought it was weird that Fiance didn’t have his sisters number but apparently it goes both ways. His sister is the kind of person to post EVERYTHING on facebook so I thought it was super weird that she didn’t put a picture of flowergirl holding her cookies like the minute she got them. I haven’t received any other messages from her.
Well, come to find out….FSIL is very upset I didn’t ask her to be a bridesmaid. How does she know I’ve already asked my girls? Because she reads my blog and at the end of last week I posted a picture of the boxes I made for them. Fiance texted me this morning, I’m assuming after receiving a phone call from his dad who had received one from his sister, and said that she is going to remember this forever and not like me. SO NOW I”M SUPPOSED TO GUILT ASK HER AFTER SHE ALREADY KNOWS I ASKED MY BRIDESMAIDS???? This is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. I said she can be a reader or something and he said that isn’t going to be enough and she will still be mad. My little brother is an usher, not a groomsmen, and I didn’t even ask my own step brother and step sister to be in our wedding. Fiance says “I told you she would be mad. You need to find a way to fix it.”
This is really the dumbest thing ever. I really don’t care if she is mad at me. We never see her anyway. But I don’t want my fiance to be mad at me. How am I supposed to “fix” this now?
Post # 2
MouthOfTheSouth: The problem is not yours to fix. It is not your fault that your FSIL is immature. You are under no obligation to ask her to be a BM. Your FI is being unreasonable as he did not ask your siblings to be a groomsman. He is expecting something of you that he did not do himself.
Post # 3
- Wedding: October 2014 - Restaurant
I agree with the previous post. You don’t have to include your FSIL in your wedding party, especially since you two arn’t that close. Your finace is being a dick about it… it’s not your problem to fix, it’s his sister. I think asking the flower girl and sending the cookies was really nice of you! People are crazy.
Post # 4
lucygirl1: As I like to say, “they are nuttier than a squirrel turd!” I can’t even with these poeple.
Post # 5
- Wedding: July 2013 - The front lawn of our church
MouthOfTheSouth: I echo what PP said. You are in no way obligated to ask her to be a BM. But maybe in an effort to smooth things over, either your FI or his dad could explain to her that you’re not even having your familiy in the bridal party and that you asked her daughter to be the flower girl as an effort to reach out to her. Try to be really kind about it and non-confrontational. If you sound like you’re defending yourself she’ll probably just get more mad.
Post # 6
MouthOfTheSouth: Nope, not your problem to fix. His family, his problem to fix. End of story. And he fixes it by telling HIS sister that the wedding party has already been picked. Family does not get automatically picked.
If he says “No, you need to do it.” I would ask him how he would feel if you demanded that both your brother and step brother needed to be groomsmen.
Post # 7
Did the two of you not talk about this before you asked your wedding party? Your FI should have told you this before you made your decision. At this point the damage is done eitherway.
Post # 8
ieatunicorns: We did. I told him that my bridesmaids are MY bridesmaids. They’re people who have been HUGE parts of my life. He told me that I should ask his sister and I told him no because I barely knew her. And now that she’s mad I have to ask her just so she isn’t mad anymore? She needs to grow up.
Post # 9
ieatunicorns: And he should have said “Look, it would mean at lot to ME to have my sister in our wedding.” He basically wanted me to ask her so that it looked like she was important to ME and…well…I don’t even know her!
Post # 10
MouthOfTheSouth: Asking a FSIL that you don’t have a close relationship is something a lot of people struggle with. I think offer that to them as a way to get to know them and show that they are important as part of your new family is nice. I guess you kind of knew that her feelings would be hurt, in some families it is their tradition to include all siblings in the wedding party. At this point I don’tthink there is anything you can do that will change her hurt feelings, maybe just given time she will get oer it. It never hurts to talk to to her and tell her exactly what you told regarding the roles of your siblings in thewedding. I wouldn’t necesarily put your FI in the middle and make him deal with it on his own, but the two of you should present as a united front to your family memebers. Good luck!
Post # 11
Fiance says “I told you she would be mad. You need to find a way to fix it.”
Umm, no. If it was THAT important, he would have mentioned it before you asked your girls. And, even then, it is your party to choose, not his. What would he think if you started to raise a stink about your brother not being in the wedding party? Anyway, this isn’t your problem to fix. Not even sure how you fix an overdramatic 40 year old.
Post # 12
F her. I love people whose egos are in the forefront. She has no relationship with you but expects a BM spot. Please. If your FH is moved, he should have her as Broomsmaid. Dont give in.
Post # 13
“Fiance says “I told you she would be mad. You need to find a way to fix it.”
I’d be as annoyed with your FI as I was with his sister if this is the unsupportive way he plans to address the situation. However, and I don’t say this to be critical, if he had told you she’d be mad if not invited, it might have been something worth considering at the outset so you could be prepared for the shitstorm that would follow your decision not to have her as a BM. Quite honestly, it sounds as if they all have the emotional maturity of the schoolyard.
Your SIL is not entitled to be a bridesmaid and ought to be able to understand that you can’t have a bridal party of unlimited size. How you deal with it depends on the magnitude of the consequences. If she “doesn’t like you anymore” is this a tragedy? Or will her attitude tarnish your wedding and onwards into your marriage? Will it cause a genuine and serious rift with your FI? Because while I totally disagree with giving into this sort of demanding behaviour, it is worth considering the long term effects and whether you are happy with putting up with them.
Personally, I’d be tempted to tell her to eff off and then when she gets there, eff off a little further. This response would, however, drag you down to the same level as her!
Post # 14
MouthOfTheSouth: Uh, no – you don’t need to find a way to fix this. You didn’t do anything wrong. Your FSIL needs to grow the fuck up and your FFIL needs to stop being her flying monkey. Shame on your FI for not squashing this and instead putting it on you.
Even if your FI and his sister were close, you wouldn’t owe it to her to ask her to be a bridesmaid. But they’re so distant they dont even have one another’s phone numbers? And she is threatening like a two year old to hates you forevers if you don’t ask? GTFO.
I suggest you do one of two things – tell your FI that his sisters tantrum is not your responsibility. This is HIS family and he can deal with this silly drama if he likes but you will not.
Write your FSIL and cc your FI and say,
“Broonhilda – FFIL called FI and told him you were very upset at not being asked to be a bridesmaid in the wedding and that if you weren’t asked it would cause a permanent family rift.
Please know it was never my intention to upset or anger you. If you would like to be a bridesmaid, I would be delighted to have you stand up with us. Please let me know if you want to accept.”
This firmly calls her and your FFIL out on their atrocious behavior by stating the facts, makes no apologies, is gracious and gives her what she wants in a way that lets her know she’s ONLY being asked to appease her and spare the family her tantrum.
Post # 15
MouthOfTheSouth: As Iwas reading this all I could think was Oh no! she found your blog and twitter, what if she finds this post!? I hope not but toally agree with PP that it’s not your problem to fix.
My mom wants me to force my FI to have my 3 brothers as groomsmen so I totally feel where you’re coming from on people wanting/expecting things they shouldn’t of your bridal party!
Hope your FSIL realized how petty she is being!