Post # 1
Okay so nobody has actually said to me “Mind if I stare at your ringless hand?” – but that’s what some of them do! But I’ve been asked ‘so how come you’re not engaged yet?’ or the oh-so-sensitive ‘do you think you two will ever get married?” (emphasis on the ever). Doesn’t it occur to people that this might be a touchy subject, particularly when the couple has been together for awhile? If it’s a sister or close friend I’ll give them a more honest answer like “I’m hoping he’ll ask me”, partly because I think they’re concerned with my happiness and well-being rather than just nosy, and partly because I trust them not to gossip about anything I tell them. But others, who aren’t that close (co-workers/ casual friends/ distant relatives/ neighbours etc), do they ever stop to think their questions might be hurtful or awkward or just plain nosy? That maybe a woman who has been with a guy for a few years or more might be disappointed she hasn’t been proposed to and these questions make waiting even harder? Ditto when people ask women why they haven’t gotten pregnant yet (maybe she can’t have kids, maybe they’re trying and nothing’s happened so far, maybe they’re not ready or don’t plan on having children and are tired of people questioning them). I’ve been with my SO for about 3 1/2 years now and I wish he’d propose, having others ask what the hold up is only adds to the frustration of Waiting. Why doesn’t it seem to occur to people that these questions can be awkward or even hurtful? Stop staring at my naked ringless hand! If I suddenly acquire a ring, don’t you think I’ll show people?!?! After the holidays will be especially tough in this regard.
Post # 2
I was always fond of Holly’s response to this stuff in “The Office” (if you ever watched the show), which was to hold up her hand and “bird” someone with her ring finger. So it wasn’t actually the bird, but it looked enough like it to make the point.
I’m sorry. People are dips.
Post # 3
BothCoasts: Classic response 🙂
Post # 4
I’m dreading Thanksgiving tomorrow because I know people will ask!! And I have no idea what to say because, well…I wish I knew when we are getting engaged, too!!! I’m going to try to roll with it as best I can, but it gets hard to know what to say after so many people ask me. I wish they would ask HIM instead…he’s the one who needs to get his butt in gear and ask! lol
Post # 5
I get this quite a lot too, and for me it is a fairly sensitive subject.
I can completely relate to what you said about if it is a close friend/sister asking I don’t mind because they actually care, but for the most part I have found this question has been asked to me by co-workers or acquaintances, who I would imagine don’t really care and are just being nosy.
I guess they don’t realise thet are being intrusive or rude, but it can hurt your feelings, when they are like “you guys have been together 4 years and still not engaged- is he EVER going to propose?”
like, how is that helpful? It just makes me question it too and feel bad. Plus if I don’t know them that well I dont really want to share anything personal like this. These people need to be stopped!
Post # 6
Aside from the stereotypical older nosy generation (who feel the right to say whatever they want) – I’ve noticed it is also newly weds who have a habit of pressing the issue. I know they are probably keen to share the joy and excitement but I’ve found that chatting to a couple of newly marrieds, sharing in their joy, complimenting the wedding photos they just got back, the honeymoon tales I’ve found is often followed up by – so, when’s it going to be your turn? We’re all waiting you know! I know some who were equally frustrated whilst waiting, but have forgotten how that feels already!
Post # 7
Just say something sarcastic if it’s a married couple you can ask “when are you having a baby?”
throw it on your SO “ask him!”
“i dunno. I stop taking my pills. Maybe when I’m pregnant”
“He’s still on trial”
Post # 8
RobbieAndJuliahaha: i was with DH for 8 years when he proposed. And I got that question a lot. And all I would say is “it will happen when the time is right.” Bc its true. DH and I knew we would get married one day. It was just a matter of time. We both wanted stable jobs, good income, etc.
Post # 9
I just came back from a wonderful tropical holiday and sooo many people have said “so did he propose?”. Well duh, don’t you think I’d be telling the world and wearing a ring if he did? Rub it in a little why don’t you. Sigh.
Post # 10
RobbieAndJuliahaha: oh boy, I hear you lady.
It is so beyond annoying! I don’t know why people think it’s any of their business.
Ive been waiting a long, long time and at one point a few years ago, I had a mini meltdown and came on here and wrote a letter to people who know a waiting woman. It was very therapeutic.
Seriously this board is a godsend. We all get you sweetie! All those people that harass us can take a trip to you-know-where haha.
Or, you know, maybe ask our SO instead. 😉
Post # 11
I’m at this point right now…
And I take it like water off a ducks back…. and usually respond with some smartass remark.
Like at weddings, people nudge you and say ‘you’re next!?’… What if I started to do that to people at funerals!?
Post # 12
Do people have no tact anymore? I’m so sorry people keep doing that to you, how incrediby RUDE and frustrating. I don’t like being asked either, its not a touchy subject per se but really, if we were discussing getting engaged/married, that’s private, and if we’re not, its STILL none of your business!!
I agree with @Edubbs that throwing it on your SO can be the easiest – I find at family parties where he’s attending, I just point to him and say “i don’t know, you’ll have to ask him”. It normally shuts people up and they don’t know him well enough to go over and berate him about when we’re going to get married. The topic usually changes quite quickly after that.
If someone had the gall to make a comment along the lines of “when is he going to ask? we’re all waiting”, like @CountingSheep noted, I would LOSE it and probably be super rude to that person.
Aside from the rudeness of the entire matter, if you can’t call a person out on it, I’d just go the route of “don’t hold your breath, we have no plans”, in a very monotonous tone. Sends a very clear message and if someone kept pressing, I’d then tell them to back off and that its none of their business.
Post # 13
I always hated this. DH and I were together 8.5 years before he proposed. I had an armload of responses as to why we weren’t married/engaged yet. Most of them I didnt’ believe myself. Thankfully I have amazing friends who knew that
1- if there was a ring, they’d know about it so there was no point in asking
2- I was having a rough time waiting so it was generally a sore subject and they didn’t ask about it much
People I didn’t know as well just got one of my stock answers ‘ I went back to schoo, we’re waiting until I graduate’, ‘we want to do ___ before we get married & we don’t believe in long engagements’, ‘he moved halfway across the country for me, that says enough’
Post # 14
Some people asking could be innocent curosity or concern or it could even be judgement. Asking when or if he’s ever going to propose points out that others notice and wonder why she’s remaining for years with someone who won’t put a ring on it. Men can live with someone indefinitely but women are judged.
I don’t know how I would answer but prolly just honestly
Post # 15
Thanks for the great feedback everyone, it really helps to vent in here and see the humourous and supportive advice from bees who truly get what I’m feeling 🙂
When I look at it logically, I know I shouldn’t let people get to me like that. I know my SO plans on marrying me but I also know that I’ve (mistakenly?) bought into the notion that a ‘sooner’ engagement = a guy so madly passionately over the moon in love that he just can’t wait, while a ‘later’ proposal means the guy hasn’t made up his mind yet, isn’t crazy in love etc. And unfortunately some others think this too, so part of why these Where’s The Ring? comments by people are hurtful is because I read so much subtext into them: Isn’t he sure about you? What’s wrong that he hasn’t asked? Maybe you’re not his ‘dream girl’. Things I’ve said to myself when I let waiting get to me, so when people ask I wonder if they’re thinking these things too.
But sometimes it can also be about personality (ie some guys are impulsive, some are planners) or circumstances (younger bees still in college), that I’m trying really really hard not to read way too much into him taking his time. Especially when he is devoted and loving. It’s not that his timeline is wrong, it’s just different than mine. It’s encouraging to hear from others who waited longer and are in happy marriages now 🙂