i've never lived with a guy before (and never thought i would before getting married). what is so special if you already had sex and lived together (other than the fact that you get a few more benefits and are "officially married")? does anything change? i think my main concern is i'm scared that doing all of this would make marriage feel less special to me.
background: we're 21 and 22(FH) and i'm still in school (was due to graduate in May, but a class of mine is only offered once a year, putting me behind one year!). i've lived on my own before/blahblah/ am back with my parents only to save up money for our savings account, which my FH and I decided on. his side of the family are okay with whatever.
no one in my super traditional family is supportive (my parents and FH aren't religious, but my brother is very religious, and i am somewhere in the middle). FH and I have worked on how to raise our kids though. that's not the isuse. and it's not that they don't like my FH either! they just prefer me to graduate/wait first. (i'd graduate even if i did marry though!) we want to get married in july and are financially stable at this moment. but they are so desperate (probably to claim me as a dependent) to keep me from getting married that they said they would allow (to both our surprises), to let us move in before getting married, and then marrying upon graduation.
to be honest, the main thing stopping me from waiting until graduation (spring 2014) is the fact that we want to get married BEFORE we live together (we were both brought up traditionally) and we don't believe in "compatibility/test driving." we just know we are in love with each other (and have dated other people, been dating for 4+ years since high school, known/friends for about 6+ years). we know "in love" doesn't last forever and are well beyond our honeymoon phase. we choose each other and want to be together for the rest of our lives. and with that choice, we give each other the utmost commitment and will work through "compatibility isuses."
it IS financially more beneficial (for everyone involved) to wait (as we could save about a few thousand dollars, which I see as worth it to get out of the reins/reign of my parents), and my family would finally be supportive of our decision. and my FH is more than okay with it (as his reason for waiting is more to appease my parents' and my decision to marry first). and my super religious brother is reluctant but okay with it.
somehow, my brother's logic (and the rest of my family's) is that i'm not mature enough for marriage; if i wait 1.5 years and have a diploma and THEN get married, i'd be more mature because i waited rather than how mature i'd be in 1.5 years (with a diploma) only i get married this summer.
okay it seems like an obvious win-win situation, i know. we'd get what we wanted (which is to live together finally and for me to be out of the house with their blessing). so i should wait and just live with my FH now (we're in the process of getting our own house). unfortunately, that's not the way i ever saw my life unfolding and it's hard to change something i've internalized since i can remember. also, it feels like i'm sacrificing something i've deemed to be true my entire life, and yes this would be the last time i'd do something to make my parents happy instead of making me happy.... so i could potentially go through with it.
i am seriously considering this moving in before marriage things cause everyone kind of gets what they want (after all, my main issue is WAS to get out of my parents' house, but without paying for rent. it's not that i'm not willing to or demand a free place to live. my FH (and my family and I) just didn't feel the necessity to keep dropping my money on rent when we can save that money towards our savings. i'd be more than happy to use that money to pay rent with my FH, but the issue was we didn't want to live together first- to appease my parents, which is no longer an issue somehow).
it's not that i'm against waiting (for arguments, why not wait if you see yourself with them forever) as i say why wait if you know you're forever? i'm okay with waiting, i guess. but i am certain that i want to marry this man. and i'd be just as certain if i married him now vs later. but this option is making my world spin around in ways i've never imagined possible. and i don't know what to think of it. and i need you bees to help me please! give me insight i may be overlooking? THANK YOU!
Getting married is still different - it's til death do you part. I lived with my fiance for 2 years before we got engaged and I'm super glad we did! It just helps you get to know what living together on a day-to-day basis is really like... and it's very different than dating. Planning a wedding while you're still in school sounds like too much pressure... I say wait until it's the right time. If you're going to be together for the rest of your lives anyway, what's the rush? =)
I moved in with my husband in June, I got married in December.
"what is so special if you already had sex and lived together (other than the fact that you get a few more benefits and are "officially married")? does anything change?"
My point of view: Nothing changed. My husband and I were legally married (Which was valuable for many reasons, especially since he is in the Navy), but nothing changed. When I moved in with him, I made my commitment to him. I was with him, come hell or high water. After we were married, neither of us felt different.
Moving in with him beforehand was nice -- we got to learn one another's quirks, and it wasn't a surprise. If we hadn't, there was a chance we could have found a quirk that was a dealbreaker for either one of us, and better to nip that in the bud before you end up stuck with that person for the rest of your life.
Do what is best for you and your fiance. I fully support a couple living together before marriage, because I feel you don't really know a person until you've lived with them, dealt with them when they're sick, when they're angry or sad, and seen how they function "away from prying eyes."
I dunno... I'd feel really uncomfortable moving in with my FI while my parents were still paying the bills.
I guess it would just feel too much like 'playing house' to me if someone else was paying for all of it.
@opalescent: thanks for responding so quickly! having school and planning a wedding IS super stressful (esp without the support of my loved ones)! more than i ever knew haha! thank god for winter break!
it would be nicer to let our engagement coast and to enjoy our time together now that i have the main details down. i guess doing it this summer would still be kind of rush-y rather than letting things fall into place. thanks! :)
I would not have married someone I didn't live with first. Marriage wasn't radically different, of course - but what's more important: making sure you're compatible while living together, or a more "special" feeling? Marriage isn't something to enter into lightly, and I think anything that can ready you for that more is useful.
I'll declare up front that I don't believe in living together before marriage for religious reasons.
Anyway, you need to be true to yourself. Do what you (the you is plural, you and your fiance) believe in, not what your brother or parents believe in.
I don't understand the objection from some people, to you marrying before you garduate. So long as one of you is working (and it sounds like FI is), you can easily support yourselves. My recommendation would be to marry in summer 2013. It seems to match your personal beliefs, because it sounds like you sort of prefer to wait. From a "waiting until marriage for sex" point of view, a long engagement can be testing.
I know marriage is built up to be this whole new world or whatever, but... it's still you and your guy, spending life together. same as always. ;P I understand wanting marriage to feel 'special', and you know what, it still will. because marriage makes it public, makes it official, makes you a real family of your own. society, relatives, everyone will treat you differently once you're married, and THAT's the special part.
I think if you are still ruled so deeply by what your family thinks that you're not ready for any of this. As an adult, every person in your family does not get to weigh in on your choices. I mean, who cares what your brother's feelings are about this? I think you haven't fully matured enough to separate so you most definitely do not need to get married yet.
Living together is totally different then dating and for me the change happened so slowly that I didn't even notice the difference until we were living together for about ten months. Living together really helps you learn how to live together on an everyday basis. ie dealing with shared expenses or how you are gong to split up household chores, and you have to learn how to keep your relationship thriving in spite of lifes stress. For us these are big issues that I'm so happy we grew through and figured out before deciding to get married and really is a good test to what married life will be like. Getting married will still feel so special but now I'll walk down the asle knowing with complete confidence that we can make it last because of our experience and life we have together.
I was raised believing in NOT living together before marriage, and I was religious too. I moved in with my then boyfriend and am now a big advocate of living together before getting married. Heck, if I hadn't, I swear I would have thought that it was a huge mistake marrying him because when we first moved in together, we fought like cats and dogs about divvying up the household stuff. We're all fine now, especially after we got married, because we were able to iron out these things before.
If you are hesitating on this because of someone else's opinion, you are not ready.
I am not all that religious and lived with my DH for 3 years before getting married. We committed ourselves to each other in as many ways by moving in together as we did when we finally made our marriage official. Your parents are right to suggest living together for a while before marriage, I also highly recommend it. Marriage is forever, you at least want to find out your compatible in ALL areas, including spending every waking minute together before making a lifelong commitment to someone.
personally, there's no way in the world I'd have married someone without living together first. I knew after a few months of living together with my Fi that he was the man I'd marry.
@anannybus90: I am all about moving in together before marriage, but I agree with rachelmichelle, it's weird if your parents area still paying the bills. I think that part of moving out together is to learn to take on responsibilities as a couple; however, if you are still not financially responsible for yourself under your own roof, then it defeats the purpose. I think you really need to finish school before you make any life long commitments like this. Best of luck!
To each her own...I know there are many Bees who feel strongly that moving in together before marriage is/was a good idea to prepare for marriage.
I however felt strongly that I wanted DH and I to live together as husband and wife. I am old school and living together without being married just would not have worked for me.
DH and I have been happily married for one year now and there have been no issues whatsoever. We get along like two peas in a pod because we have been compatible from the very beginning. There was no need for us to "test the waters."
My advice would be to wait until you and/or your parents are able to plan and afford a wedding, and move in together as a financially self-sufficient couple at that point.
In the spirit of full disclosure, I will say that, for reasons of faith as well as how I was raised and what was and is important to me, I did not ever live with an SO or my DH prior to marriage. For the same reasons, it was important to me not to have sex outside of a marriage relationship (even though I did not end up meeting my DH and getting married until I was in my mid 40s.) I am stating all of this so that you will know my point of view on these topics before I tell you what I think about your situation.
After reading everything you've written, your words have convinced me that, deep down, you really do NOT like the idea of living with your SO prior to marriage, The only reasons you are even considering doing so are because you want to get out of your parents' home, you don't want to have to pay rent, you want to be with your FI as a married couple in 2013, but no one else is lending support to the idea of your marrying this coming year while you are still in school.
Those are not good enough reasons for you to try to talk yourself into doing something you never wanted to do and that goes against how you really wanted your life to unfold. You also have at least two very viable other options from which you could choose to avoid living with your FI prior to marriage. First, you could continue living with your parents (or perhaps another family member) until after you graduate OR you and your FI could proceed with your desire to get married in 2013, even though your families are arguing against the idea. Since it sounds as if having your family's emotional support is very important to you, it seems as though the best option for you may be simply to stay where you are just a little while longer and plan your wedding to take place following your graduation.
@strawbs: This is exactly me and FI as well. We're not married yet, but the first two weeks of living together (especially because we bought a house and not rented it) were rough. I'm so glad we moved in together first.
@BelliniChic: Fellow old-schooler here! Glad to hear that you guys didn't live together and are getting along swimmingly now, gives me hope!
My FI and I don't live together which seems to shock just about everyone. But I also felt very strongly about not wanting to live together before marriage. Not at all due to religious reasons, but because I felt as though once a man lives with you, he is less motivated to propose because he is getting all of the benefits without any real responsibility/accountability. And I didn't want to be in a situation that I would have to move out of a home because the guy I was shacking up with wouldn't make it official.
Yesterday this question came up on Dr Phil about whether you should live with someone before you get married, and he dodged the question a bit, but seemed to come out more on the side of it's not necessary, but you shouldn't marry them unless you've seen them with the flu and really know them very well.
@mimi123: I think actually living together is far less important than actually knowing each other. I personally prefer to live together first, but then again, I never really cared about getting married, so not being proposed to wasn't an issue for me. I DO NOT think that living together is required to have a successful marriage though. Knowing someone doesn't mean you have to live with them, and living with someone doesn't mean you know them. I think people get this part mixed up.
@anannybus90: Would it be an option to live together and just not have sex? Yes, you would have to be strong but I am sure you have opportunities now if you wanted.
I know exactly what you mean about having the dream of getting married, THEN getting a house and moving in. FI and I are buying a house soon since my lease is up on my apartment in March. The original plan was for me to move in and then FI move in after the wedding. However.. that might be changing. FMIL is driving FI NUTS!!!! lol He has to get out of there! So.. if he does move in at least it will only be 3 months before the wedding but its still not ideal. I hope you get what YOU and FI want since its your lives, not anyone elses. :)
Personally, my guy and I will be moving in together before marriage. We're currently living with our parents (about 5 minutes apart thankfully) and want to avoid renting, so we've been focusing our efforts on saving for a downpayment, furniture, and all the other things you need to worry about when buying a house or condo. Once we move in (hopefully during the summer or fall of 2013) we'll start to focus on saving for a wedding. I have told him that I would want to be engaged before living together though, just to make me feel a bit more secure with the arrangement (he's completely on board with that).
@anannybus90: Maybe they want you to wait to make sure that you finish your education? Finishing your education while planning a wedding, attempting to move in together, and putting time and effort into a marriage is definitely doable, but it's tougher than waiting until you already have your degree.
My guy and I have been together for over 5 years. In that time we have both finished college, gotten jobs, bought cars, and he has finished his Master's degree and earned his CPA license. We are now in a much much better place to start thinking about marriage then we were two years ago. I would suggest really talking about it with your guy and seeing about coming to a decision together. I know family is important, but this has to be a decision that the two of you make together. For me, sex is a way to show my guy how much I love him and he feels the same way, so we don't have this kind of issue. We've been together so long that we already feel married; we just need to make it legal. I think it's good that your guy is so open to your point of view. Just talk about it some more and see what happens. Good luck!
I also felt very strongly about not wanting to live together before marriage. Not at all due to religious reasons, but because I felt as though once a man lives with you, he is less motivated to propose because he is getting all of the benefits without any real responsibility/accountability. And I didn't want to be in a situation that I would have to move out of a home because the guy I was shacking up with wouldn't make it official.
This, a thousand time this!
To me, it would be a nightmare to move in on the premise that we're going to "give things a try" and "see how it works out," and then change my mind later and have to un-do all of that. OR to sit around playing wife without the benefit of the legal title. No, no, no, no, just NO! LOL
I know marriages don't always last either and some could argue that "well, you might still split up after getting married." That is very true but to me, the difference is that I would never in a million years set up house with a man unless I were 1,000% committed to making it work.
I didn't agree to join together as husband and wife to see how things would work out! (eyeroll)
I've always felt that the decision to move in together is almost sacred, not to be taken lightly or as an experiment. I simply had no interest in anything less than a full, legal, till-death-do-us-part commitment to start things off. Anything less would have felt like playing games or playing house.
The only way I'd have moved in with him before marriage is if we were formally engaged and the wedding were in a few days or a few short weeks. There would have had to be a really good reason, such as conflicting dates with an apartment lease expiring vs. a wedding venue that was booked for a certain date. Even then I wouldn't have liked it.
Of course, this is just my opinion and I don't wish to offend anyone who feels differently. We are all on different journeys and that is what makes the world go 'round.
@anannybus90: OP, perhaps wait to move in together and/or get married. You seem like you have a lot of things going on and a lot of stress. While engagement/wedding planning can be fun, it can also be stressful for some.
Personally, I have lived with my FI for the last 4 years (of our 9 year relationship) and I have enjoyed it very much. We have always been committed to each other and we had been dating for 5 years before moving in, so it wasn't just "shacking up" as some people like to call it. Also, waiting 5 years to move in together was not "light decision" or a desire to start "playing house together." We were grown adults, paid our own bills, loved each other and knew what we were doing.
I strongly believe that committing to someone is a personal, emotional, physical decision two people must make. Marriage is a piece of paper, I am not demeaning the term, but essentially a piece of paper does not inherently make someone more faithful or committed just by signing it. They have to decide to be through their actions/words, etc.
Perhaps wait until you both feel financially solid and can support yourselves 100% before progressing forward with moving in or getting married. It can avoid a lot of stress over finances.
@BelliniChic: @mimi123: As far as the shacking up and worrying a guy would not propose comments, that is not something I worried about. Yes, I was wondering when it would happen, but I knew it would. We waited nine years to get engaged, but it was because he had been laid off and had to work to save up the money to get the ring he wanted. Not because he was "enjoying the benefits without the committment."
How do I know this? Because we communicated, because he showed me his committment on a daily basis. Also, I have seen girls who do not live with their FI's who wait years and years to propose. Sorry, but I do not appreciate when such assumptions are made. I never make negative comments about those who wait to move in until after marriage, I only wish that the same respect could be shown to those who do not wait.
Regardless of the choice, if you go into your relationship/moving in together with the intent to commit to one another/communicating well, you can avoid many problems.
@bmo88: No offense intended, fellow bee. I am glad that it worked out for you and your FI. But marriage is a lot more than a piece of paper. Marital status is a factor in thousands of federal laws, including some big ones such as status of next of kin and the right to make medical decisions should the spouse become too ill to do so. Cohabiting couples have none of these rights unless they make a special trip to a lawyer and have all kinds of agreements drawn up. If it were just a piece of paper, gay people would not be fighting so hard for the right to be married.
first off, thank all of you bees sooo much for your input! you all have been amazing!@mamadingdong:
eh you are right that I have not fully separated myself from my family. Lately, I've finally been making my own mind up about things rather than doing what they think is right and thinking as they do.
what I didn't bring up is that in my culture, we revere our parents really greatly and were raised to be extremely family oriented. which is not saying that other people aren't family oriented, but rather, the degree of doing so this is so extreme in my culture, and the group rules over the individual. this is why I struggle between being a part of my family and being independent and doing things for myself (like my FI and most everyone else). also, it's because my brother always was more like a father figure to me.
The engagement really opened my mind about my own independence though, and I think I should wait a little long before finally getting married, mainly so I can figure our what ideas are truly mine and what I've just internalized.
@housebee: it's not like my parents would still be paying the bills. FI and I would go half on all the bills in our place (not my family's). i see where you're coming from though.
@BelliniChic: exactly! :) but yes, it definitely makes sense to start out really strong financially when we're married, rather than being stable while I still have other things to take care of.
@mimi123: hey, all for your situation :) i sympathize with you.
mine is somewhat different, as I think the reason why living together is beginning to make more sense to me is because we are already engaged and we definitely want to get married after I'm graduated (at the latest).
thanks for the dr phil blurb! it really helped. i think whatever i choose will be fine, seeing as we've been together through the good times and the bad, from the flu to hangovers to pms to a whole lot more. we always take care of each other, and we still love each other all the more for it. :) this really is the most important thing.
@LoggerHead91207: yes i'm sure the education is why, but i would finish it just the same. i could wait another 1.5 years to avoid all that stress at the same time. thankfully, i'm mostly finished planning the wedding and will be able to wrap it together fairly quickly when the time comes. we are already in a good place financially to get married, but I realize now that we can wait and be in an even better place. you're right - it's about us more than it about what my family wants.
we've talked about it and decided to move in together within the next few months. i wrote this in the heat of the moment after finding out that this option was okay which was weird because reading your post, i realize that i've always wanted to do this, but never thought it was okay because i didn't have my parents' okay. i guess i was mad at them for not supporting me earlier that i failed to realize that we're on the same side. all i want is to live with him... oh, and to officially call him my husband and be recognized by everyone as such :) no need to rush it though!
@Brielle: i do want to get out. i'm okay with paying rent, but FI and I just believe that it would make more sense to pay rent if it was towards our home instead of shelling out money (as I have before) to something I'd rent only for a few months.
I'd marry him today if I could, but there are external circumstances that are probably best to get out of the way before doing so. I do get support from my friends though, thank goodness. I guess I've been too emotional (PMSing) to realize that my parents are actually giving into their beliefs and letting me live my own (but I didn't see that at the time because I thought they were plotting against us, like they've been doing before). but after reading all of this, I realize that this is not true.
i just thought it was fishy and plotty, because of emotional games and backstabby comments my family members have said about my FI and my relationship... like him not loving me like he should which makes no sense beause I know with every inch in my body that he does (but they love him?). or how my emotions will indefinitely scare him away, though they're the one messing with them. it gets hard when you hear crap like this on a daily basis from FAMILY, and always feel the need to defend your position. it was tough, but maybe they are done trying to mess us up. standing up for my relationship was tiring, to where i just got naturally defensive. just little things like this made me think that allowing us to move in was some weird psychology they came up with to try and our marriage to fail, since this is something i never thought would be allowed in my household in a million years. but obviously, that was irrational thinking on my part. cause even if it was, i wouldn't let it fail.
@bmo88: so glad your FI and your relationship has worked out! also, I'm sorry if you feel as though anyone has judged you for your decision! i think i lost track of my opinions when i posted this, because everyone in the world has their own strong opinion about everything haha. but i do believe committment is exactly what you said it is. i didn't expect marriage to guarentee committment, as we are both 110% committed at this very moment (and will always be). but you're right - as long as you're committed, living together or marriage are seperate entities. thanks for your advice! i will live together; then, wait until after graduation when i'm done with my tuition nonsense business, and then get married while saving up for it now.
@mimi123: you're right too! marriage is a lot more than a piece of paper. thanks for listing all the benefits (even if this message was meant for someone else). there is still something very special about marriage vs cohabitation. sometimes, it's easy to forget. even without all of that, marriage is special because, well, i get his last name and his company until the end of time :) not saying we can't do that with cohabitation but surely something about the law makes it very special indeed.
@anannybus90: Ah I must have misunderstood your first post, I was under the impression that your parents would be paying for your rent. I don't think the decision to move in with your SO can be made by anyone but you. If this is something that you aren't comfortable with for whatever reason, you shouldn't do it. Like I said before, a good marriage isn't based on whether or not you've lived with the person. The reason I said I think you should wait until after you graduate is because it will make things easier financially since you'll both have time for full time work. However, if you're both financially stable and can support yourselves, I don't see why you would have to wait.
@bmo88: Sorry, but I do not appreciate when such assumptions are made. I never make negative comments about those who wait to move in until after marriage, I only wish that the same respect could be shown to those who do not wait.
I'm sorry that you apparently are bothered by my comments, but I'm confused as to why you directed this at me, since almost every single sentence I wrote included phrases such as "I think," "I feel," and "in my opinion," to emphasize that I was talking about my own feelings and how this relates to my own life, hopes and dreams.
And I'm sure that if you stop to think about it, you'll agree that my personal decisions about my own life have nothing whatsoever to do with you or "those who do not wait."
As for wishing that more respect could be shown to those who do not wait, maybe it would help to read the last statement of my post which went like this:
"Of course, this is just my opinion and I don't wish to offend anyone who feels differently. We are all on different journeys and that is what makes the world go 'round."
haha it's okay. i wrote a lot and was probably really confusing. i think it was confusing because i probably grouped emotional support/blessing with my talking about rent.
IF I CONFUSED ANYONE ABOUT OUR RENT ISSUE... since i've already had my own place/s, when i said i didn't want to pay rent, i didn't mean "pay rent/bills, anytime, ever." i meant i didn't want to pay rent to another landlord again when we could pay that same rent towards our own place, which we plan on doing/owning.
but anyways, yes! living together does not equate us knowing them. we know each other perfectly by now. you said it best when you said "knowing someone doesn't mean you have to live with them, and living with someone doesn't mean you know them." that's exactly how i think about it.
but you're right. i realize it would make us even more financially stable to take care of school and scholarships/expenses now and wait to get married. we'll still be the same people in love, only working out the kinks sooner rather than later. besides, as long as we set a wedding date, i don't know why i even worried about our relationship going stagnant. thanks, housebee :D
but when relationships go stagnant, it's our jobs to revive them. so easy to forget!
@anannybus90: are you guys already engaged? If not, I'd say, get engaged, move in together and then get married when the timing works better. I also didn't want to live with anyone before getting married OR engaged. An engagement is a promise of marriage, so I think with that commitment, moving in together feels less like a "why buy the cow" situation. Ultimately, you need to do what feels right for you but at 21 I'd give your parents' guidance some heed as they might see things or be considering things beyond your experience?
I think that there is a subtle difference in being married versus just living together...marriage is much more permanent, whereas living together felt a bit more like "playing house" to me.
@mrsgrant: yep, we are engaged already!
after much consideration and thinking, i think i plan on moving in. i think the "why buy the cow" stigma / which is the way i was raised was offputting towards me at first, but i suppose it is different (which i forgot) since we are engaged and do plan on marrying upon my graduation. i didn't want to move in at first because i didn't want it to feel as though we were "playing house."
but i think this way, we can please everybody, and we can have add a little more pizazz to our reception. and work our our kinks before our wedding - although i don't think we'd have any, and planned on working our kinks out anyways if we did - because sooner better than later? haha
@mimi123: Of course marriage provides additional legal benefits (though my FI and I share these already because we filed for them). I am not saying that it's just a piece of paper in its entirety, it was more a statement that moving in together does not mean one is any less committed because a couple does it before getting married. To me, I did not need the legal benefits before I started to share and make a home with my FI.
@BelliniChic: I wasn't targeting you, more just addressing a generalized statement you made in your post. Of course it is your personal opinion (all the posts made on this board are a personal opinion), but just because you prefaced and followed-up with a "no offense" clause does not mean I cannot comment on a statement you made...disagreement is what makes this a discussion board.
I was not personally attacking you, I just personally get frustrated (as do other bees) when others refer to serious, committed relationships as shaking up, playing house, etc, just because we haven't gotten married yet.
As you have stated your opinion, I am stating mine.
@anannybus90: My husband and I did only move in together after we got married due to religious reasons. This doesn't mean that it was easy, because we lived 200km apart and only saw each other every second weekend. This really made it special to finally move in together as husband and wife. It was worth the wait.
All I can say to you is to do what is right for you and not your parents or brother. The decision you make may not be the easiest, but if you stay true to yourself and do what you believe is right, it will be worth it.
@anannybus90: Glad that things look like they're going to work out for you guys! I'm sure that your family is going to be supportive and love you both no matter what. Just do what you feel is best for the two of you. Good luck!
just because you prefaced and followed-up with a "no offense" clause does not mean I cannot comment on a statement you made...disagreement is what makes this a discussion board.
I'm surprised that you interpreted it that way. I promise you that my "no offense clause" (your words, not mine) was not intended as some sort of firewall to stop you from commenting on my statement.
It's a shame that you're choosing to be "personally frustrated" that I shared my relationship story. I promise my intent was not to be disrespectful. My advice would be to spend less time worrying about what other people think and do, because you'll probably be a lot happier and less "frustrated" as you put it.
@BelliniChic: Fortunately, my happiness is in no way impacted by your comments, opinions, etc. Yes, I do get frustrated by the lack of respect people use when referring to cohabitating couples, but mostly because I try to show respect to those that chose other paths as well.
As I mentioned above, I was not commenting on your personal relationship story, I was referring to the fact that you said living together before marriage was "playing house."
Whether or not you intended to offend or not isn't what I was getting at in my post. And no, you did not personally offend me, I just wish that when people talked about co-habitating, they would not demean the status of people's relationships.
So as not to threadjack, @anannybus90:, it appears you have a little more clarity on the situation, glad to see things are heading toward a direction you are comfortable with!
I'm glad things are working out so beautifully for you now.
I wasn't able to read through all the replies to this so far, but I did want to pitch in and say that I believe it is extremely important to live together before marriage. I can't spell out all the little details, as there are many, but there are a lot of things you don't know about a person until you live with them. I wouldn't have it any other way. I've lived with my fiance for 5 years now and it's made our relationship very strong, and know that nothing will change about that after the wedding, except of course we are going to stand in front of our friends and family to commit to eachother for life.
My Mother's most recent marriage failed because she became a Christian and thus didn't want to live together before marriage. Not long after the wedding all I heard her complain about were his habits and how they should have lived together beforehand. That lasted barely 3 years, and it started going downhill very soon after the wedding. Her previous marriage she lived with the man beforehand and was married for 13 years, and the relationship failed for other reasons that couldn't have been forseen at all prior to the marriage.
Not saying people who don't live together prior to marriage are destined to failure, but it sure makes it easier to sort of 'know what you're getting into' before marriage. Living together has a way of teaching you to love one anothers strength and faults in a different way, because being obsessivly in love doesn't last forever. It's been researched and pretty well proven that that initial 'in love' state, where all you can think about is how wonderful your partner is and nothing else matters, last only about 2 years, which is why I am also pretty against marriages that take place less than 2 years from meeting eachother.
Just my opinion and advice though, you should do whatever feels right for you, not what your family or anyone on here thinks you should do.
@anannybus90: I've been dating my SO for 7 years, been living together off and on for about 5 (off and on due to grad school, not break ups). I've never understood the rationale of doing things sooner bc things won't be "different" when you get married. If anything, I imagine walking down the aisle after almost 10 years together and it being a magical moment with someone I know SO well. I'm not much older than you (almost 25), but only that many years out, I can tell you, I think you should wait. I think my decision making would've been different had we gotten married at 21. Better to be more sure. Also, the first few years living together were rocky and now they are magical. I'd hate for those years to be when we were first married. I have no regrets.
All this being said, I came from this school of thought. My parents lived together before they were married and we're both atheists.
Overall, IMO, better to wait and be more ready. No reason to rush. It will be special no matter what.
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