get married or live together? (closed)

posted 1 year ago in 20 Something
Member
71 posts
Worker bee

Getting married is still different – it’s til death do you part.  I lived with my fiance for 2 years before we got engaged and I’m super glad we did!  It just helps you get to know what living together on a day-to-day basis is really like… and it’s very different than dating.  Planning a wedding while you’re still in school sounds like too much pressure… I say wait until it’s the right time.  If you’re going to be together for the rest of your lives anyway, what’s the rush?  =)

Member
6221 posts
Bee Keeper

I moved in with my husband in June, I got married in December.

“what is so special if you already had sex and lived together (other than the fact that you get a few more benefits and are “officially married”)? does anything change?”

 

My point of view: Nothing changed. My husband and I were legally married (Which was valuable for many reasons, especially since he is in the Navy), but nothing changed. When I moved in with him, I made my commitment to him. I was with him, come hell or high water. After we were married, neither of us felt different.

Moving in with him beforehand was nice — we got to learn one another’s quirks, and it wasn’t a surprise. If we hadn’t, there was a chance we could have found a quirk that was a dealbreaker for either one of us, and better to nip that in the bud before you end up stuck with that person for the rest of your life.

Do what is best for you and your fiance. I fully support a couple living together before marriage, because I feel you don’t really know a person until you’ve lived with them, dealt with them when they’re sick, when they’re angry or sad, and seen how they function “away from prying eyes.”

Member
2265 posts
Buzzing bee

I dunno… I’d feel really uncomfortable moving in with my FI while my parents were still paying the bills.

I guess it would just feel too much like ‘playing house’ to me if someone else was paying for all of it.

Member
10365 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

I would not have married someone I didn’t live with first. Marriage wasn’t radically different, of course – but what’s more important: making sure you’re compatible while living together, or a more “special” feeling? Marriage isn’t something to enter into lightly, and I think anything that can ready you for that more is useful.

Member
4741 posts
Honey bee

I’ll declare up front that I don’t believe in living together before marriage for religious reasons.

Anyway, you need to be true to yourself. Do what you (the you is plural, you and your fiance) believe in, not what your brother or parents believe in.

I don’t understand the objection from some people, to you marrying before you garduate. So long as one of you is working (and it sounds like FI is), you can easily support yourselves. My recommendation would be to marry in summer 2013. It seems to match your personal beliefs, because it sounds like you sort of prefer to wait. From a “waiting until marriage for sex” point of view, a long engagement can be testing.

Member
802 posts
Busy bee

I know marriage is built up to be this whole new world or whatever, but… it’s still you and your guy, spending life together. same as always. ;P I understand wanting marriage to feel ‘special’, and you know what, it still will. because marriage makes it public, makes it official, makes you a real family of your own. society, relatives, everyone will treat you differently once you’re married, and THAT’s the special part.

Member
2941 posts
Sugar bee

I think if you are still ruled so deeply by what your family thinks that you’re not ready for any of this. As an adult, every person in your family does not get to weigh in on your choices. I mean, who cares what your brother’s feelings are about this? I think you haven’t fully matured enough to separate so you most definitely do not need to get married yet. 

Member
362 posts
Helper bee

Living together is totally different then dating and for me the change happened so slowly that I didn’t even notice the difference until we were living together for about ten months. Living together really helps you learn how to live together on an everyday basis. ie dealing with shared expenses or how you are gong to split up household chores, and you have to learn how to keep your relationship thriving in spite of lifes stress. For us these are big issues that I’m so happy we grew through and figured out before deciding to get married and really is a good test to what married life will be like. Getting married will still feel so special but now I’ll walk down the asle knowing with complete confidence that we can make it last because of our experience and life we have together.

Member
3324 posts
Sugar bee

I was raised believing in NOT living together before marriage, and I was religious too. I moved in with my then boyfriend and am now a big advocate of living together before getting married. Heck, if I hadn’t, I swear I would have thought that it was a huge mistake marrying him because when we first moved in together, we fought like cats and dogs about divvying up the household stuff. We’re all fine now, especially after we got married, because we were able to iron out these things before.

If you are hesitating on this because of someone else’s opinion, you are not ready.

Member
959 posts
Busy bee

I am not all that religious and lived with my DH for 3 years before getting married. We committed ourselves to each other in as many ways by moving in together as we did when we finally made our marriage official. Your parents are right to suggest living together for a while before marriage, I also highly recommend it. Marriage is forever, you at least want to find out your compatible in ALL areas, including spending every waking minute together before making a lifelong commitment to someone.

personally, there’s no way in the world I’d have married someone without living together first. I knew after a few months of living together with my Fi that he was the man I’d marry.

Member
6949 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@anannybus90:  I am all about moving in together before marriage, but I agree with rachelmichelle, it’s weird if your parents area still paying the bills.  I think that part of moving out together is to learn to take on responsibilities as a couple; however, if you are still not financially responsible for yourself under your own roof, then it defeats the purpose.  I think you really need to finish school before you make any life long commitments like this.  Best of luck!

Member
1782 posts
Buzzing bee

To each her own…I know there are many Bees who feel strongly that moving in together before marriage is/was a good idea to prepare for marriage.

I however felt strongly that I wanted DH and I to live together as husband and wife. I am old school and living together without being married just would not have worked for me.

DH and I have been happily married for one year now and there have been no issues whatsoever. We get along like two peas in a pod because we have been compatible from the very beginning. There was no need for us to “test the waters.”

My advice would be to wait until you and/or your parents are able to plan and afford a wedding, and move in together as a financially self-sufficient couple at that point.

 

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