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I'm not going to lie, we've said many times that if we could go back and do things again, we would probably do a destination wedding.
Do you need help from your mom to pay for your wedding? From what I have found, if you can pay for your whole wedding without help from anyone, than things will be a lot easier for you. If you pay for it, then you don't have to listen to imput from anyone, because it's your money, your wedding, your way. I think you will be the happiest if you plan the wedding the way you want it.
As for your mom, you will need to explain to her that it's your wedding, and while you appreciate her ideas, and will take them into consideration, it's your wedding and what you and your SO say goes. It will be easier to do this once you have things booked and deposits down. Then you can say, well we already put down non-refundable deposits, so sorry you're not happy with what we chose, but it is OUR wedding.
My wedding is semi-far from most of my family as well, so we are having our reception at the hotel we have a block of rooms at, so that the family doesn't have to go too far. Also our church is about 5-blocks from the hotel, again we did this so that the out of town people don't have far to travel.
Have you tried on your mom's dress? It may not fit. My mom's dress didn't fit me, gave me a pretty easy excuse as to why I couldn't wear it.... If you're afraid that it might fit and don't want to try it on, then just let her know that you are looking for a dress that's different from her's, i.e. isn't strapless, doesn't have long sleaves, is a big poofy ball gown, etc.
If things are this difficult now, I would strongly suggest financing the entire wedding yourselves. Once parents contribute financially, they automatically get a say in a lot of things, and while most of the time brides can deal with the stress that entails, sometimes, it can turn into a nightmare, and you'll end up wanting to just elope.
Honestly? Pick where YOU want to get married and call it a day. It sounds like no matter what, lots of people will have to travel, so you should pick a spot and just tell people that if they don't like it, they don't have to attend. You'll probably find that this decision will stir the pot with your families for a while, and evntually, it'll blow over, and they'll go along with it. If they don't, well, that's tough for them.
We both live in Chicago, but we're both from NY, but our families and friends are scattered all over NY, which was often a six to seven hour drive. We just picked a random spot in NY that we both loved and got married there. Some people in my family were resistant at first and din't like it, but after a few months, everyone was happy about it.
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I am from NY and lived there most of my life until college. My Fiance is from the Oklahoma Panhandle and his family resides there and in Colorado. My family is in NY, TN, NC and FL... Rather spread out...
My Fiance and I live in west Texas (midland)... and we are thinking about doing a wedding in the Austin or Ft Worth area to keep it close to a major airport for travel...
My family is being EXTREMELY difficult about this. My mother is insistant on the wedding being in NY. So much so that they won't help pay for anything if we don't. His family is ok with it, but we are also a LOT closer drive for them, 5-6 hour drive vs 4-5 hour flight.
Either way, we live down here, in Texas and I can't imagine trying to plan a wedding back in my hometown. It would be completely up to my mother and sister and grandmother... scary thought....
My bridesmaids are from all over (CT, VA, MD, NY and Australia)... they have to travel no matter what and are all supportive. My mother hates the idea of 2 receptions and thinks its tacky and that people will call it a "money maker."
His parents dont like me, but thats a whole other story... But i can't get them to settle on a date, or help with guest lists... because they still don't think we should get married.
and my mother is allllll about the wedding... in NY of course, just keeps right on planning away, spurting out ideas when she knows im not having it in NY... oh and she wants me to wear her dress...
HELP!!!!