Post # 1
I’ve been with DBF for about 2.5 years now. I’m 31, and he’s 30 in October. Last summer, two of my friends got married, 2 of his friends got married, and again this summer two more of his friends are getting married. (I’m just saying this to note that marriage in our friend group is common – it’s not as if we only hang out with singletons).
We ended up having a relationship talk this weekend, and they always make me cry. I told him that I want to live with him next summer, and that by next summer I need a commitment, that I only have about a year left in me to do this single dating thing (we see each other on the weekends and one weeknight). I also told him I want to marry him and that I see us together in the future. He also said that he sees us together and thinks about marriage, but doesn’t want to “rush” anything, and that he probably wants to live with his guy friends for another two years.
JESUS F*CK! 2.5 years isn’t RUSHING, let alone the 3.5 for when I would like a ring!! But if that’s the way he feels, so be it. I have given myself about another 1/2-1 year of being with him. I really do love him, but I have some very valid worries that he’s a “Peter Pan:” He’s rather have a low-paying p/t job so he can laze about on the computer or go drinking. To me, having a career is very important. Right now I’m an HR associate, but I have been an English HS teacher and am going to grad school soon to become a librarian. I own a rental property; he has 3 roommates. I can support myself, but don’t want to have to support him too.
I’m thinking between my doubts and his “someday” attitude, I should call it quits. I frequent a fitness board, and everyone was like “MOVE ON!” but I wanted to get an opinion from people who also love their DBFs despite their faults. How long would you wait in my position?
Post # 3
In your position, I would be anxious to get married simply because I want to have children…preferably my first by 29 and my second by 35. That would be the REAL difficulty for me – I don’t want to wait to have kids so that I can give them the best chance at a healthy life.
If I didn’t want to have kids, which I really have trouble imagining, then I don’t honestly know how I’d feel.
Post # 4
If I were you, I would move on. He’s telling you how he feels. Please don’t tell yourself that he will change. Odds are that he won’t.
Even if he gives lip service to you, do you really want to marry someone who doesn’t really want to get married?
Post # 5
Waiting aside, the Peter Pan syndrome would be a big deal breaker for me. At 30 and still settling for a low paying job so he can have free time to do squat and drink?? I’m no gold digger, but lets be realistic, playing on the computer and drinking is not going to put a roof over my head, food on the table, or put clothes on my future childrens back. That’s not a small fault I could over look since that is a very basic value that we’re not on the same page on.
Post # 6
Do you even want to marry him? It sounds like your priorities are very different. You say you don’t want to support him, but it sounds like you will if you get married. Maybe you’re dodging a bullet.
Post # 7
You can’t force him to be ready and want to get married because you are ready and want to get married. You have 2 choices: 1. Accept what he is saying and be patient or 2. Move on.
From your post, it sounds like you should move on.
Post # 8
By thirty I imagine there been plenty of time to do the whole live with the boys things.
I say until your resentment starts creeping up, if it effects your feelings for him and his relationship, if you realize love simply isn’t enough to sustain this relationship for another two years.
I left and stop waiting for my ex after five years, in the end he propose but I realized that I didn’t want to marry someome whom I had to nag, breakup with and leave to get engaged. So this just may be sign that he isn’t the right guy(Hard for me to tell or judge only you can know that for yourself.)
I would also be concerned about that fact that he seems to still be in the single frame of mind. Working a low paying job so he can have more time to hangout and drink is immature. Hell I love cocktails and wine however it’s an expensive habit and now that I have nice job I can afford m and pay my rent. in my ealry twenties I didn’t indulge as much. So if that truly is his motivation he is also lacking in the logic department. If he wanted to live with friends to save money on rent it would be one thing. But it seems more like he just wants to hangnout and live with them to have a good time. Which seems to rather junvenile want for someone his age.
Post # 9
Sorry, my vote is move on… 2.5 years and you guys are in your 30s… there’s just no reason he needs more time. And hanging with his roommates is not a good enough excuse! I don’t want to freak you out, but you might find that a lot of the good, marriageable men are gonna get married off while you’re waiting around for Peter Pan to grow up. You need to start the process of getting over him now so that you can get out there and see what your option are. You don’t want to wake up one day and realize you’re 35, and you’re still spending the night at his place with his roommates!!! It’s only gonna get harder as you get older, and if you want kids, well, this is a no brainer. I was in a similar situation, dating a guy who just wasn’t a grown up, and I’m really glad I left. A year and a half later, I was engaged to a wonderful man. MAN being the operative word.
Post # 10
I completely agree with you that 2.5 years isn’t rushing. And, the Peter Pan syndrome is something that is a deal breaker with me. (Been there with the ex and it was no fun.) I think it was a smart move to 1) not move in together and 2) decided on a deadline. We’ll have to wait and see what happens now.
Post # 11
I agree with the PPs. If you put aside his (potential) issue with commitment, is he the type of guy you want to marry? Are all of his good qualities worth waiting longer than would be ideal for you?
From what you describe, he doesn’t sound like he’d be able to provide much stability, so if that’s something you want in a marriage, perhaps you should reconsider the relationship and whether you’d like to invest even a few more months in it.
It is possible to love someone very much and yet not be a good match due to different values and perspectives and goals. It sounds like, right now, your goals don’t line up. He wants to be a bachelor with the lifestyle that goes along with it, and you want to start settling down. Honestly, no matter how much you love each other, if you can’t get on the same page in terms of the future, it won’t work out. One or both of you will get frustrated and perhaps harbor resentment.
I know that it’s not fair to judge a person, especially over the internet, but I will just say that personally I’d have huge issues with a 30-year-old man still wanting to live and whoop it up with his friends, and especially a man wanting to work part-time so he has more time to have fun. That doesn’t exactly scream mature, responsible adult. If you don’t feel comfortable with those things it’s probably best to cut your losses.
Post # 12
You ladies are spot on. I keep trying to justify him / his behavior since he’s kind, handsome, fun to be around and has a degree 9and is doing NOTHING with it), but I think the truth is that we’re just too different, and love alone can’t fix it.
What one PP said really hit the nail on the head for me: would I want to support him in marriage? NO! I want a partner, not a playmate.
And as sad as it is (esp. with all his lawyer/doctor/manager/real estate agent etc. friends – people with CAREERS) I seriously doubt in one year he is going to get his sh*t together and actually want a good job and to stop chilling with the boys all the time and put me first.
Thanks so much for your opinions. Sometimes I think I’m too harsh on him, but in reality, as great as he is, I’m at a different stage of my life. (Luckily, both my parents ages 54 and 60 still can pass for late 30s/early 40s, so at least I have good looks on my side for a while!)
Post # 13
I wrote you a whole big post but I think WB crashed for a few seconds there. I’ll sum it up with this:
Don’t sit around waiting any longer than you have for a man to decide if he wants to live with you…..especially when he can’t even give you a possibly timeframe for it until 2 years from now. Get rid, and go find yourself a man who cannot live without you, and don’t settle for anything less!
Post # 14
@punkybetty: this is taking too long! he wants another 2 yrs with guy friend living? bs.
i was in similar situation. everyone on the boards told me to move on… but that was not easy. i invested so much time and very much in love.
but i was angry. and i didnt want to waste my youth. i broke it off. i knew in my heart that he would come around and change his mind without me. two days later i got an email saying “there is a very high possibility we will get engaged by the end of the year but no promises”
we were engaged 2 months later.
break it off.
most guys will never call again.
the RIGHT one will see the light.
mine did– happily getting married 3/2
Post # 15
Sadly, he is telling you how he feels/what he thinks….he would prefer to continue living with his friends than to move in with you. I do understand that sometimes people just aren’t ready for big life commitments and “waiting” is an investment in your future together….BUT I don’t see that being the case in this particular situation.
You have very different goals in life, and to be honest I don’t think you should hold yourself back or drag yourself down by carrying his weight because his goals/priorities are different than yours. Not judging him, just saying that maybe, in spite of the love you share, some of the deeper values just aren’t a match.
I’m sorry you’re in this situation.
Post # 16
@punkybetty: He’s living the life right now and he doesn’t see the reason for marraige. It is the boy syndrome, you are a confident woman who can manage on your own and that’s wonderful! So you can do whatever you want, you don’t need him and you don’t want to see your life go by and still have to wait for him. But its your call, by all means give him time!
@yellow7404: AGREE! 😀