- 7 years ago
For anyone who has been following my story . . . my SO and I have been waiting for him to finish his PhD before getting engaged and married. At first, I had a hard time understanding why he wanted to finish his PhD and couldn’t understand why we couldn’t just get engaged already since he was close to finishing and since he was saying that he saw me as the one for him, etc. I worried at times, in spite of things he said and the dedication he showed, that perhaps his putting the PhD first was a sign of lack of enthusiasm or doubts about “us” from his side. We had some difficult conversations about this, needless to say. Over time, however, I came to respect his need to finish his PhD prior to making huge, emotional life changes, because I can see how this season has been especially difficult for him since there have been constant hiccups, short notice deadlines, delays, as well as ups and downs and uncertainty in the job he was promised after PhD completion. It’s been draining and taken all his focus.
We have been together for almost 2.5 years . . . a big part of that (1.5 years) was spent apart in separate countries, and then I moved to his country so we could be near each other. He is still a few months from finishing, but I can tell he’s getting excited about what his finishing the PhD means for us, which makes me incredibly happy. Just yesterday, he was telling me how difficult it is for *him* to wait until he has his PhD finished and job details sorted out because he would love to just hurry up and make me his wife already. He thinks it will just be a few more months, and then he wants to have a really quick engagement and just go straight to marriage. Part of this is probably because we’re religious and have been waiting to live together and waiting to have sex for marriage. I think we’re both pretty desperate for relief at this point, and it’s rather comical at times 😉 Believe me, it’s sooo tough and so frustrating, even painful, but we both believe we are honoring and respecting each other this way.
Waiting for engagement has been insanely difficult for me. I’ve just wanted that security and finality — a stable foundation of commitment on which to build — especially since I’m in a foreign country. It’s taken a lot of personal growth and stretching on my part to communicate about these things and work things through. Some of those reasons are valid, but I also think one of my biggest difficulties has to do with expectations for how it *should* go in my mind. I have so many preconceived ideas about what my guy should say and do, what our engagement and his proposal should look like, etc. Sometimes that type of thing just sets me up for frustration because it’s really beyond my control — and that’s part of the beauty of sharing life with another person. Instead of imagining fantasies of what I think it *should* look like, or how I think things *should* go, I really just need to learn to appreciate life as it happens and be grateful for the ways he chooses to express his love since we are on the same page and he is ultimately trying his best to love and respect me. If he doesn’t do a moonlight river proposal, or an Eiffel Tower proposal, or whatever other dreams I have, it’s ok. I just need to learn to live in and enjoy the moment, instead of wishing for the future and clinging to specific hopes . . . it’s a maturing process for me!
Thanks to anyone whose listened to these ramblings 😉