Post # 1
Hi ladies! My FI and I have been together for almost four years and engaged for almost six months. We really have no concrete wedding plans yet.
I really want to begin the planning. He seems to like the idea of an small wedding and then when I try to push any further it does not work. He wants me to show him places and ideas and for him to say “yes or no.” The problem is that he will say that he likes a place but will not go any further than that. He keeps saying “Oh, I don’t know” and will not even offer to go look at a place.
He keeps reiterating that he does want to get married but is stressed our by the idea of having a wedding. That is why he wants something small which I am fine with. Have other ladies had this problem? Do you have any advice on how I can get the process moving along?
Part of me feels like I really need to chill and let him bring up the conversation but then I feel like it will never happen. I also feel like I bugged the crap out of him to propose to me and maybe he just wants to wait awhile. Oh, I don’t know! 🙁
Post # 3
My honest advice? Just start planning – without him. I was going to take this tactic with my FI, give him options, let him say yes or no – but he didn’t care. It frustrated me at first. But then I just went ahead and planned and informed him of what was going on.
There are some guys who want to be involved in wedding planning, but I don’t think yours is one of them! Grab your mom, grab a friend, and have them help you out. Keep your FI in the loop but get started! Happy planning!
Post # 4
I too find it incredibly difficult to discuss wedding planning with my FI. He never wants to talk about it and doesn’t realize that a year in advance is not too soon to be booking things. He doesn’t understand a lot of the social etiquette involved either.
Like your FI, it seemed like he needed a break after the stress of the proposal and then just never got onboard the wedding planning train. After a few arguments about it (several minor, one major), we agreed that I’d do the planning because it mattered to me more. I still try to include him in stuff, but if he can’t make up his mind or doesn’t care about something, I just go ahead without him. I wanted this to be something that we do together, but it just didn’t work out that way.
Post # 5
Just go full steam ahead and keep him in the loop as much as you can.
Post # 6
I agree with the others men could really care less about wedding planning. Just do it and tell him what you decided after.
Post # 7
Ultimately, my FI doesn’t really care so much about the details. I’ve done most of the research myself and will present him with only 2 or 3 options. Works better for both of us that way 🙂
Post # 8
I had this same frustration for a while but, with the advice and help from fellow bees and friends, I realized it’s really true that men usually aren’t as estatic about the planning process as women are.
That being said, my FH and I talked about it a bit and came to the conclusion that I will do most of the planning (which I had already started 2 years out!) and run things by him; he knows how much research I’m doing for location and vendors and basically said that he trusts me, and will probably get more excited when we are closer to the wedding. I know your wedding is much sooner than mine, but perhaps he just needs some time to chill for a bit before he gets in full wedding mode.
I also know that our money situation is tight and my FH’s job situation has been stressful lately, so honestly, the wedding is the last thing on his mind. Maybe something’s on your man’s mind, too?
Post # 10
If I waited for mr. robots to have an idea we’d never be married. He told me he likes what I like. I pass ideas by him and he says “sure!” or “okay.” or “if that’s what you want…” Sometimes I wish he was a little more into it, but most the time I’m thankful that I get what I want without having to compromise. He’s all about marrying me…he’s just not into he planning.
Post # 11
LOL, Ms. Meowerson! Omg. I agree with what others have said–just plan without him. Most guys don’t really care about details, though some tend to glom onto one or two things (for FH, it’s the cake).
Post # 12
My guy was really straightforward – the only thing he wants to have an active role in choosing is the menu. I mean, when you guys plan something, is he usually interested in the decor or getting a hostess gift or choosing a playlist? My prospective MOH’s now-husband told her it was all in her hands. The only things he made a decision on were rings and color (she threatened to do orange and black, with an orange wedding dress. He told her no orange, blue, or florescent colors. She decided on lavender.) Most guys really don’t care about 3/4 of the stuff involved in wedding planning.
I’d say to ask him how involved he wants to be. Ask him if there’s any particular part he’s interested in planning. You might even ask him if he wants to know about every decision, or just the big ones for peace of mind (venue, officiant, menu, color.)
Post # 13
OMG my FI is the same way. hehe. So the venue was a big decision. I narrowed it down to 3 and let him pick. I asked him what he liked about it. That venue was all booked so I chose another venue that had all the things he liked about the first 1) lots of windows and bright light 2) on the water 3) indoor reception with optional outdoor ceremony.
He did actually say he wanted green color scheme and a relaxing atmospher. No lime green. I wanted pink so there will be pink accents.
I am just planning everything else by myself and just ask him when I get to a decision I think he will be interested in like FOOD! I am going to surprise him with the centerpieces, decorations. I am also trying to surprise him with a Chinese Silk dancers, he is Taiwanese.
It is better to just give him yes / no options. If he is really oposed to something he will pipe up.
Post # 14
Thanks, bees! I feel a LOT better knowing that I am not the only one dealing with this issue.
@junebug12 My FI always worries about money. He sees buying a house as much more important than a lavish wedding (as do I) so we need to make some compromises.
I think that nailing down a venue and a date will be the hardest parts because he does actually want a say. The details probably won’t matter to him. I will try to present him with a few of our current options to see if that helps speed things along. If not, I will just steam ahead on my own!
Post # 15
I have been with my FI for 13 years and 2 1/2 months and we have been engaged for 11 of those years and just started planning our wedding for 8/13/11. I have been having the same problem. He wants a very simple private ceremony and a big party, which is okay with me. When it comes down to talking about it or making plans happen he cant be bothered. Solution???? Get all your girls and your mom and his mom and invite them over for wedding planning idea dinner. The moms will take care of him. After all as long as he shows up then what does it matter?
I found that tactic to work and now he asks me about things and yes it shocks me but I give him the honest answers. It will all come together and you really dont want him too involved because that my friend just causes arguments TRUST ME I have been going through it since January 20, 10 when we picked our date. Good luck and please let me know how things work out!
Post # 16
I agree that the venue is important. I just said to my FI “Just help me with this one thing and I promise I will not ask you another wedding related question for 3 months”