(Closed) Getting hopes up, for nothing. Need support please. . .

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
492 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I was in the shut it pact also but I realized that my feelings are important therefore I had a right to know where my SO’s head was when it came to a timeline. The fact that you don’t feel comfortable brining it up is an issue in itself. You have to find a way to talk to him about it without him feeling pressured. You DESERVE to know where your relationship stands and the longer you wait to find out the more resentment will build up. I just mentioned it in a casual conversation and was surprised how open my so was about it. I made a new pact with myself it’s called the say what you want when you want pact (in an appropriate fashion of course). We often worry so much that we will scare our guy away or prolong the wait by mentioning marriage but I doubt you mentioning a ring will end a 4 year relationship.

Post # 4
Member
559 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I agree with @jigga143 on this one.  You have to talk about it with your SO and get a sense of your timeline, especially with it weighing on you.  Not so much the, “he could propose at any of these times, why doesn’t he?!” thing, but whether marriage is on the table, if so when, etc. You need to be able to have productive conversations about your future, and marriage is part of it.  Is your MA program a terminal degree, or are you looking to go on to a PhD?  If you are, that might be a natural way to bring future planning up with him.  Do it in a neutral way, go out of your way to make him comfortable — eat something, have a glass of wine or something pleasant, and have a discussion, don’t just spring it on him, and I think you’ll find him more responsive to it.  When we go out of our way to make our SOs feel special and cared for, difficult talks become easier because they’re clearly coming out of a place of love, not pressure and hostility.  Take that as your foundation, and let it happen organically.  If you’re calm and happy to think about the future, he will take his cues from you — and if he doesn’t, that tells you a lot, right there.

Your feelings and need for a timeline are important.  Not talking is well and good when you’re all on the same page.  Until then, you’re expecting him to be a mind-reader if you don’t communicate your needs and desires to him, and that’s not fair to anybody.  Figure out a time and a way to communicate with him that’s as reassuring and open as it can be, and I think you’ll find the whole process easier for both of you.

Post # 5
Member
1805 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

You have to tell him what you want. I was with my then bf or a year and I just straight up told him, I love you I see you in my life forever do you want the same thing? He said yes and he definitely sees us getting married so I (sweetly) told him I’m not the kind of girl to wait forever and he said (in his words) ya I know it’s shit or get off the pot time haha so after that I dropped it and three months later we were engaged 🙂 you can tell him you want to be engaged without it being clingy or weird especially if you’ve been together for4 years!

Post # 7
Member
492 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I understand your fear of too much pressure and a possible let down but don’t let your past relationship influence your decisions in this one. You got this!!

Post # 9
Member
559 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@Creiddylad:  I really hear you.  Grad school is frightening, loans are difficult, and it’s hard to think about the future.  But your SO is your partner in this, and he wants you to feel happy and supported, I’m certain, or else you wouldn’t be with him.  So stop hinting — hinting is really infuriating, I think, because it’s hard to say what the hinter wants, a conversation or a platitude or what — and settle into a pleasant conversation about what you want.  If you can’t envision your future with some joy, then something’s off.  Burn off some stress, figure out your dreams, and show them to your SO.  I think you’ll find that works better than hinting.  He’ll know what you’re actually expecting, and you’ll have someone to share your burdens and anxiety with, and get more than “baby, it’ll be fine!”

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