Post # 1
Hello all of you wonderful advice-givers 🙂 I’m in a bit of a situation that’s new to me and I’m not sure how to manage it. Me and my SO have been dating for 7 months now. He’s a great guy and I’m very lucky to have him in my life. We are both very similar people however so sometimes we bump heads a little. We get into silly arguments about virtually nothing because we are both reactive and stubborn people 😛 We always work through it and acknowledge what we’ve both done wrong and are trying to work on responding to each other differently. Lately however I have become increasingly irritable with him and every tiny little thing sets me off. He spends a lot of time at my house. Every day that we have off together he’s at my house, he quite often stays over on work nights too. I love his company and we are lucky we can spend so much time together but it’s like he’s a guest that’s living at my house… I’ll try to explain that.
It’s like he lives here but doesn’t have to do any of the work. He puts his clothes in my laundry basket and I wash and fold them with mine. We cook meals together and he quite often contributes and buys groceries but it’s always me that ends up cleaning up when he’s gone home or something. I find that most of my spare time when he’s not here is spent cleaning my house and doing the laundry. I have two bathrooms and one of them is basically his – he uses it when he’s here. So I end up cleaning his bathroom too and taking out the garbage. Taking the towels out and washing them when they are dirty and replacing them with new ones. When we go to bed he goes on upstairs and gets ready for bed while I shut the blinds, make sure the lights are off, and everything is locked up. By the time I’m ready for bed he’s already hopped in and half asleep. Then little things like that fact he didn’t close the blinds in the bedroom before he got into bed start to irritate me. Then tonight the sheets were in the dryer because I’d washed them earlier in the day and he grunts and groans because the bed needs putting together. And because I’ve been irritable I just told him to get ready for bed and to let me do it. So he did and then I got pissed off because he didn’t help (that one was my bad for sure…). He could tell I was pissed off and didn’t understand why and just stood there watching me make the bed which made me even more mad. He started telling me I’m uptight and need to calm down which then made me more mad.
So now I’m downstairs and he’s up in my bed likely sleeping by now. He popped his head out a few times and said I was being dramatic, that I need to work on my issues, and that I need to start treating him better because I’m always annoyed with him. Now I’m all confused and I can’t tell if how I’m feeling is totally unreasonable. I mean I know I overreacted about the bed thing because I told him to just get ready for bed, but everything else? I can’t tell. I don’t think I’m asking for much… put your dishes in the dishwasher before you leave in the morning, turn the lights off when you leave the room, maybe help me fold the massive pile of clean laundry since half of it is yours, maybe even clean the bathroom since you’re the only one that uses it. But then part of me is like well he doesn’t actually live here…. he’s just here all the time lol. I mean he has a key, has a garage door opener and parks in my garage so it’s kinda like he lives here part time.
I don’t like that it makes me all cranky and it didn’t at first. As I was doing laundry and a pair of boxers would show up every once in awhile I’d smile to myself and it didn’t bother me at all. I don’t really know how to approach this… am I being totally unreasonable??? Brutal honesty is good, I do have a tencancy to overreact so sometimes I can’t tell when I am justified in feeling the way that I do or if I’ve gone over the top a bit.
Post # 2
Do you ever stay at his house? do you have any plans of moving in together in the near future? Maybe a new place that’s both yours would help. maybe you just need to explain that as he is such a big part of the house it would be great if he could contribute by helping with his bathroom or washing hos towels. Not in an accusing way, just in a we need to divide some chores. He may be clueless and feel its not his place to be stepping in.
Post # 3
It’s not going to get any better when you live together, it sounds like you two are quite opposite. He sounds lazy and you sound quite uptight. Both of you could try to meet in the middle but remember it’s very difficult to change someone else (far easier to change how you react). I guess you need to decide how much effort is worth putting in when fundamentally you could just be incompatible (and that’s the point of dating – to find this stuff out before you commit to a lifetime together).
Post # 4
Why doesn’t he live with you? Where does he live? Do you ever stay there?
Why don’t you just ask him for help instead of not asking and then complaining when he doesn’t help you? 🙂 Why not say ”Sweetheart, will you take care of the blinds in the living room/bathroom/whatever while I lock up?’ ‘Sweetheart, would you mind helping me clean the flat on Saturday?” Just ask him for help when you need it but also let go a little.. if he’s not the type to clean often, you asking him to clean constantly will just be a pain in the neck for him.. For example, in our house, I like to do a big clean once a week and my husband prefers to clean ‘as and when”.. so I’m the type to let dishes pile up and then blitz the flat on a Saturday.. whereas he’ll clean regularly throughout the week. So basically my husband takes care of dishes and washing during the week, and I do all the hovering/washing floors/dusting etc at the weekends.
You just need to have a chat and work out a system 🙂 He should help out sometimes, but if he also has his own flat to deal with then you need to let go a little as well.
But mainly – If you don’t ask, you don’t get! So if you don’t ask for help, you can’t complain when he just gets ready for bed!
Post # 5
It sounds like you’re just getting irritated with him because of all the housework you’re doing for him, I don’t think it has anything to do with the relationship. I dont think it would be rude of you to ask that he helps with some chores, not an attack, just to help out since he spends some time there. If he still doesn’t clean after that, it may be an incompatibility issue but he honestly just may not know how much help you expect or need Since he doesn’t actually officially live there.
have a talk first, then see how it goes
Post # 6
I don’t think you are overreacting, and I don’t think you are uptight. It sounds like you just need to sit down and tell him what you expect of him. It’s only fair that he helps out, and turning off the lights, closing the blinds, or whatever nighttime (and morning time) routine you have isn’t difficult.
He might not be ready for the domestic side of your relationship but it makes perfect sense for him to contribute if he has full access to your house.
Post # 7
He sounds like a mooch. However, do you ever ask him to do things? Men are not mind readers, and we shouldn’t expect them to be. If I were you, I would have a nice long talk about splitting up chores as he’s not a house guest if he’s literally there all the time. If things don’t improve, or you don’t get less annoyed of him, kick him to the curb.
Besk of luck!
Post # 8
- Wedding: September 2014 - Merritt Winery
Grizzlie: You may be a little uptight about it, however, you have to ask for what you want. Instead of telling him to just go to bed, you should have asked him to help you. MANY women feel like this in their relationships with their SOs but that may be because some don’t feel comfortable asking for what they want. People aren’t mind readers. If you don’t communicate and ask for what you want, you will never get it. IMO, he should be contributing and helping you and you should set expectations of your needs. As a side note out of curiosity, has he been living on his own for long? What condition is his place in? Good luck!
Post # 9
All the previous posters have given some great advice! I just wanted to add that when FI does the dishes or housework (which is all the time because he knows i hate it) I make sure to praise him and make certain he knows how much I appreciate it. It’s the concept of positive reinforcement. Make him feel like a hero for helping out and he Will start to WANT to help out.
Post # 10
Grizzlie: Oh geeze, this could have been me writing this 4 years ago. Only we did live together.
How well do you communicate your expectations to him? This honestly sounds like he doesn’t know what you want him to do. I had the same problem with DH when we first moved in. I was doing all these things and getting irritated that he wouldn’t help. I thought he would just know that dishes and laundry and vacuuming needed to be done. But he was oblivious. I would cook breakfast on a weekend, he would finish eating and just go sit on the couch to watch TV, and I’d have to clean the whole kitchen too.
It took me sitting down with him and telling him what I wanted done. Then he would do it. It was that easy. He just wasn’t observant enough to understand my passive agressivness about doing dishes. Now I just say “Could you please help me clean the kitchen before you watch TV?” And he does. As well as other things I ask him to do around the house. Maybe you need to have a similar conversation with your BF?
Post # 11
Grizzlie: I didn’t catch if you’ve had a heart to heart talk with him about this or if you just snap at him when you get angry? I’d have a heart to heart letting him know that you would prefer being partners as opposed to the set up right now. Do you know if his mother was the type that did everything for his dad and he just sort of expects that’s how it should be? Because this should be a HUGE eye opener to how it would be living together married or not. Yucko.
Post # 12
Show him this post. What you want from him is reasonable but you’re not asking for it clearly.
Post # 13
Honestly, I see a lot of room for important in communication on your part.
You don’t pick silly fights. You’re just setting in motion a cycle of the two of you constantly nit picking at each other, highly toxic. You don’t do passive aggressive things like tell him you don’t want help making the bed and then huff and puff as he watches you.
What you do do is sit down and calmly tell him that now that he is spending so much time at your apartment, you would like to divy up some of the chores. Are there certain things he might be willing to assist with? What are the things that you would suggest he help with?
He probably realizes that it is your house and doesn’t want to interfere and so yes he could have offered to help out, but you can also ask him to help out without any of the snarky behaviour.
Post # 14
You do sound very uptight, you need to let it go and ask for help. Either that or don’t let him stay over. How hard is it to ask for him pick up his things to cleaning the bathroom he uses? Or to help doing laundry? Very much lack of communication.
Post # 15
I have experienced A bit of this within my own relationship. We have been dating for nine months and I have found that days spent apart even entire weekends spent apart puts a lot more spark it back into our relationship! If I were you I would try to give your self some more alone time. It may be hard to express to him that you would rather be alone than hang with him but everybody needs to make time for themselves and some people need more time to themselves than others!!! If he is going to spend so much time there there was no reason that you can’t ask him to help out a bit. You are obviously resentful towards him however that is because you have never expressed that you need help. If the two of you can’t compromise on this issue then maybe this will be a dealbreaker.