Post # 1
Here is my dilemma:
I had been dating my boyfriend for 3 years, and he finally proposed in February. My cousin was dating her boyfriend for a year, and he proposed in December. They picked September of 2010 as their wedding date. My cousin is originally from NC but moved up to NY where she met her FI. We still live in NC, and we rarely see them. I had met her FI about 2x before he proposed. They are having their wedding down in NC as well.
September was always my dream wedding month. I was heartbroken when I found out she picked that month for her date. FI and I immediately took September off our list, and we began looking for April/May dates at venues. We found our perfect venue, where I can have an outdoor ceremony (what I always wanted), but April/May pricing at this venue is just too expensive for us. We looked at other venues, but nothing could compare, we fell in love with the first venue and we were trying to make it work. I didn’t want a fall/winter wedding because I couldn’t have the outdoor ceremony. September rates were definitely affordably in our budget.
Last night I received a horrible email from my Aunt (mother of said cousin) and she was very upset with my pick of date. I can understand that its upsetting, but i’m not trying to outstage or outdo anyone. I honestly am just trying to afford my dream wedding. I think thats acceptable with today’s economy. I also don’t understand why it’s such a big deal considering we are not siblings, we are cousins who rarely see each other. Yes she is part of the family and comes home for Christmases and funerals, and is getting married in our homestate of NC, but I just feel really hurt by all of the drama.
Now I am trying to figure a way of moving my date, but we just signed the contract last night (before I got home and read the email), and I don’t even know if its possible to move the date. And if I do move it, it would probably be in October/November and not the type of wedding I want at all. I am heartbroken and confused.
Is it rude of me not to change my wedding date?
Post # 3
I guess it would only be a big deal if a lot of family members won’t be able to travel to her wedding because they travel to yours. Like you said, budgets are tight. I can see why your aunt and cousin are upset, but if there’s already a deposit put down, there’s not a lot you can do other than a) assure them you weren’y trying to copy them or offend them, and b) be gracious if some guests can only afford to go to hers (announced first), and not yours.
Post # 4
I think the biggest issue for the cousin is that you planned it two weeks before hers. While I don’t think brides should try to dictate when other people should get engaged or married, I think that if she had her date set first you should try to either book your wedding a while before hers( a couple of months?) or after hers, even if by two weeks. I know you didn’t mean it to be selfish or anything. And I’m sure she didn’t either. Maybe she felt the same way about September. And yes, if you were sisters it would be a bigger deal, but I think that as cousins you have some similar relatives who will be going to both showers, both weddings.
Is October that bad? If you like the fall, October usually looks more fall like. What about September of 2009? I know it’s coming up but have you checked venues? I think you could do it if you can hustle a little.
Post # 5
The travel for our families is a non-issue, they are both local venues. I wasn’t by any means trying to copy her, and I am pretty sure she knows that.
I guess October wouldn’t be that bad, but our venue actually has more expensive rates in October/November due to people wanting Fall weddings and not many people wanting September.
However, October is still Fall and I don’t want Fall, so I would be settling.
September 2009 is not possible, we have a limited budget and definitely won’t have enough saved to have a wedding that soon..
Post # 6
My opinion would be to have the wedding when you want! Since your family is all local and travel is not an issue, they shouldn’t have to choose one or the other. I go to multiple weddings in short amount of times and it doesn’t make one less meaningful than the next.
What I’ve learned through my wedding planning is you have to do what’s right for you. We only had certain days that our priest was able to marry us, due to him being elderly and not wanting it too close to any Holy days. We ended up choosing a date 3 weeks before my best friend. Yes, it’s a busy time and we’ve had to coordinate dates for events, but there wasn’t really another option besides delaying another 4 months. We didn’t choose that date to take away from her wedding, but it just worked the best for us.
Post # 7
I’m confused as to why her mom emailed you and not her personally. Could you try talking to her about all this? Maybe if you had a real conversation (phone not email) you could make your points and she could make hers. Sometimes it is good to hash things out and air your feelings so you can move past them.
Also, check out some other posts regarding this topic. Normally it is coming from the other side and you may be able to learn some things about how she feels before you talk.
Post # 8
This is the kind of situation others complain about and usually there’s more support for the other party (your cousin).
1. she got engaged first
2. she chose the date first
It could totally look like you’re trying to upstage them even if you say you’re not.
To me it doesn’t matter that YOU don’t see her that often she will invite everyone you know. Whether you see her or not…your guest pool will be the same (at least where family is concerned) and apparently that is your aunt’s issue and since you don’t see each other often to THEM is like you announced this out of the blue because SHE/THEY did it first.
You have the right to get married whenever but maybe changing the date will save you a huge family headache.
Post # 9
First of all, Congrats on your engagement.
I sympathise with you on the venue and date. I know when FI and I were looking for the perfect place, we wanted something in the summer outdoors on the lake. We didn’t have a specific date in mind, but I was shooting for June. We ended up finding the perfect place but all dates were booked except for two dates in August(which we didn’t want to really get married in August). Since we loved the venue so much, we decided that we would take that date eventhough it wasn’t our first choice.
Perhaps if you talk to your cousin and aunt about how you’ve always dreamed of getting married in September, point out that you do have budgetary constraints that limit the time frame you can get married in, and how you looked into moving it to a different time frame but it was to pricey, they will understand your situation a little more. I think she’ll still be pissed, but she will eventually get over it. Since you’ve stated that you aren’t that close it really shouldn’t matter if she stays mad at you (although that is not the ideal situation). Either way, I suggest discussing the date situation on the phone (if you can’t in person) with your cousin.
Remember it is your wedding, so you need to do what’s right for you. And since family is right there in town, it really shouldn’t be a huge issue for them to attend both weddings. They may not be able to be as extravagant with gifts if the weddings were spead appart further, but I’m sure just having them at both your weddings will be enough.
Post # 10
I can understand that your cousin is a bit upset, but an email attacking you (from her mother and not even herself) is no way to respond. I think you need to do what is best for you in this situation. You’ve always dreamed of a September wedding and you don’t have the money for a different month. Each wedding will be unique and beautiful and if your family is local then it shouldn’t be that big of a deal. Maybe you could contact them and let them know you looked at other venues and months, but it doesn’t seem like it will work out. Maybe you could also tell them how much it would cost to move the date to April/May and tell them you’re willing to give up your dream month if it means that much to them so long as they pay for the difference. If it’s a lot of money then once they see that maybe they’ll be more understanding and it’ll get them off your back. And if it really does mean that much to them that they’re willing to pay the difference then at least you still get your dream venue and it ends the conflict.
Best of luck!
Post # 11
As someone on the other side of a similar situation, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable in your date. If, however, your cousin is going to have to travel cross-country for your wedding two weeks before her own, please try to be understanding if her visit is short.
The aunt was out of line. Getting married in a given month does not give you exlusive rights to it.
Post # 12
Let me just say that no matter when you have your wedding, it will be amazing, hun. I think brides get too caught up in having the "dream" wedding, but really what will make it a perfect day is you marrying your fiance.
We had to consider switching our date a few times with other family weddings as well. We both also wanted a September wedding, and at one point, even after we set our date and put down deposits, we seriously considered switching because a cousin of ours decided to get married a month before us. We made our peace with the possibility of a winter wedding (and evntually, really started to like the idea), but it turned out our venue wouldn’t let us out of our contract. But I did learn that the location and the timing really doesn’t matter in the end. As long as you don’t dislike it, you can always make it your dream wedding.
To keep the peace in your family, I would consider switching your date. I know your intentions weren’t malicious, but as a bride who had someone set their wedding a month before us, after we announced all our plans, I can understand how your cousin and your guests feel.
Post # 13
I agree with what seems to be the general consensus here, i.e. setting your date two weeks before your cousin’s was not a good move. BUT, I do sympathize with you. I know you didn’t want to give up your dream month, and no one could blame you for that. However, I have to say, I think your cousin and aunt are entitled to their anger. They have probably put a lot of time, thought, and money, into the wedding, and don’t want to have a big shadow cast over their efforts. That’s not to say that I support your Aunt’s email rant: that was inappropriate and you didn’t deserve it. You’re "The Bride" too!
I’d say, if you CAN change your date, give it serious consideration. If your Aunt and cousin are this upset about your wedding, then that’s just going to put a damper on your day, and you don’t want that.
I wish you luck with everything!