Post # 1
Hello Bees, so I’m going to have two wedding days! No, its not as exciting as it sounds, actually its pretty sad. FI’s dad is really sick and we aren’t sure if he will make it to the wedding so we are planning on getting married in about 7 or 8 months in our living room with just my maid of honor, the best man, FMIL, FFIL, FI and myself. We don’t want anyone to know because they will be VERY upset esp. my family. They don’t understand that he is soooo sick. So I have a few questions for brides that have done this, are thinking of doing this or just have good advice.
1. Should I tell the rest of my family
2. Should I change my name after this ceremony?
3. If I do tell my family how can I do it so no one gets hurt (I really really really really DONT want to tell them)
4. Is this weird?
5. Should I wear my wedding gown or a simple dress?
I know I have more questions but i can’t think of any more atm. Thank you!
Post # 3
1. I don’t think I would tell them.
2. Why not change your name after this ceremony? Your family probably isn’t going to even know. If they call you by your former name, it’s still you.
3. If you don’t want to tell them, don’t.
4. I don’t think it’s weird.
5. I’d save the wedding gown for the “big” wedding.
I’m sorry for what you must be going through. It must be tough. I certainly applaud you for what you’re trying to do.
Post # 4
Hi Sorry to hear that you’re dealing with illness.
I’ve had 2 wedding dates and let me tell you.. it was awesome!!
The first one, we did it secretly. My mother in law was present as my husband’s witness. My best friend came as mine. (my family live overseas but they were aware of the wedding) Third person was a close friend and she took pictures. We didn’t tell any of our friends. I wore a short simple wedding dress that was very 50’s. We did it outside during the day time.
The second wedding was the real big deal. 300 guests, full lenght ball gown, entire family and friends. To this day very few people actually know that we were married for 6 MONTHS but they don’t really care at this point.
So you can do it.. not only you can do it, but even turn it into a positive event and wear a second dress. Mine cost less than 200$ and it was fun.
ENJOY ! I wish you a great wedding, and I hope he gets better.
Post # 5
I personally did not go through anything like this, however, one of my friend’s wanted to get married on her actual anniversay date from when her and her DH first started dating, which was a 3 months prior to her actual wedding. She only told a very select few and did not change her name until after the actual wedding.
I do not see why your family would not understand, especially if your FI’s dad is really sick. But it is really up to you if you want to tell anybody else or not. I would suggest getting your money’s worth and wearing your actual wedding dress for both weddings.
Post # 6
This isn’t weird, it is life. I’m sorry that you are expericing this. I wouldn’t change my name if I wasn’t going to tell my family and if it would hurt them, I wouldn’t tell them. I also wouldn’t tell them afterward at all. If you are going to tell them, I would tell my parents beforehand and invite them to attend. My parents would be really hurt if I told them after the fact and didn’t invite them. Are you positive that everyone in the room will be able to keep the secret though? It would be worse if they heard it from someone else. I probably wouldn’t wear my “wedding gown” but I would definitely get a beautful dress, like a reception dress.
My husband’s sister got married and didn’t tell anyone. Their mother and my husband found out when she wrote a check to their mother and had to sign with her new name because she had changed it with her bank. It didn’t go over well.
Post # 7
I don’t know your relationship with your family, but could you tell them and invite them? I think they would be understanding that FI wants his dad to see him get married, but they may have their feelings hurt that they aren’t invited. This is the ‘real’ wedding and the larger one would essentially be a vow renewal, right? So as much as he wants his father at the wedding, you probably want your parents there just as badly.
Letting the rest of your guests in on this secret is up to you, but personally I think I’d just not advertise it, but not hide it. If I were a guest at a wedding and found out this was the situation, I would think no less of it. I’m pretty sure that if SO and I were in this situation we’d be married tomorrow just so they could attend. This is not weird!
Also, I would probably not wear the dress. To me the big dress is too celebratory. While this is a celebration, it’s bittersweet. I’d wear a simple white dress – maybe a shift or something.
Post # 8
Thank you all for your advice. i really appreciate it.
@orangefairy: Yes, I’m 99.9999% sure that no one will spill the beans. My MOH is also my niece (long story) and she’s the only that talks to my family from the small group that will be there. She definately knows how to keep a secret.
@HulaGirl1977: Yea, I think I want to wait to change my name because with my luck I’ll be the one to sign with my new name in front of everyone. lol
Any other suggestions as to how I can do this first ceremony? He’s bed ridden so while I’d love to do this outside in their GORGEOUS backyard I’m not sure if he can handle it. Our photographer that we hired to do our wedding was awesome and has agreed to photograph for free and my wedding planner has volunteered to officiate the ceremony for free as well. FI and I both shed tears.
Post # 9
@houstonwhodat: I agree re: the parents. I would think your parents would be hurt to know your parents in law were there, but they weren’t even invited.
Post # 10
@lastminutedetails: I think I will tell my parents but they wouldn’t be here anyway. They live in the East Coast I live in Cali and they just would not be able to make it. However, I have thought about perhaps planning it right after my sister gets married and my parents will POSSIBLY come to that. I just feel like if I tell them and they can’t come they will feel guilty about it.
Post # 11
I agree. I understand your need for your FFIL to be present during your marriage, but by not including your parents you are essentially taking away THEIR chance to see you get married. And they will find out when there isn’t a marriage certificate signed at your second wedding. (I’m assuming they will anyways unless they are not involved in the wedding at all.)
Post # 12
I have actually thought about this myself even though I am yet to be engaged. My mom has been sick for the past three years and I always tell myself that if she gets to that point where there is no return then I would love to get married in front of her.
I personally think the way I would do it is get it videoed and play it at my ‘big’ wedding. I can’t think of a more wonderful way to remember a great moment with someone who means a lot to you but is on their way out of this world. And personally, I couldn’t imagine people being upset with someone who would want to share this with their sick father.
But that’s just how I think I would do it! I am sure any way you go about it in the end it will all work out for the best!