Do it! I really don't understand people who feel "offended" or "deceived" by this. In almost EVERY country in the world besides the US there is a seperate legal ceremony and religious/friends&family ceremony later. Eva Longoria did it when she got married in france and no one felt that her church wedding was "fake." Some times these take place the same day, sometimes the day before, and sometimes weeks or months apart. It's so common amongst people I know that I'm really surprised this is an issue for anyone. And for many people their "real" wedding IS the one that takes place in a church, temple, etc. under the eyes of God and before their families and friends. The stuff by the state is just a legal formality. Do what's best for you and don't give a second thought to nay sayers.
Do it! I really don't understand people who feel "offended" or "deceived" by this. In almost EVERY country in the world besides the US there is a seperate legal ceremony and religious/friends&family ceremony later. Eva Longoria did it when she got married in france and no one felt that her church wedding was "fake." Some times these take place the same day, sometimes the day before, and sometimes weeks or months apart. It's so common amongst people I know that I'm really surprised this is an issue for anyone. And for many people their "real" wedding IS the one that takes place in a church, temple, etc. under the eyes of God and before their families and friends. The stuff by the state is just a legal formality. Do what's best for you and don't give a second thought to nay sayers.
You have to do it for your own reasons and it has to be special to you. Just remember that there are those friends and family who love you dearly and want to be there on your big day to show their love and support. They may look at your big day as the courhouse ceremony and not the November ceremony which means they could be hurt to find out that you didn't want them to be there. Be prepared for the fall out.
I continue to puzzle over this thread. Was it ever implied that her private ceremony was going to be "secret"? It was even stated that family and friends have been consulted.
Back to the original question at hand, I say a beautiful dinner out for just the two of you at your favorite restaurant would be a beautiful way to make the day special. Don't worry about cost and treat yourself to a bottle of wine and dessert, too. Maybe even stay at a local hotel for the evening so it all feels special and new and romantic. It doesn't have to be expensive or extravagant, just simple ways to set the day apart from every other day on the calendar.
I also find strange that people might get offended! I don't see why? In my experience people don't feel we're married because we didn't have a wedding...not the other way around...
They felt cheated no because they weren't present when we signed legal papers...but because there was no party!! no official announcement, no big bang...so in a way...or quiet just the two of us "signing of papers"....is "fake"...the real thing will be at the church...NEXT YEAR!
Good friends and family that loves you won't care as long as they're there to celebrate when YOU celebrate!
I disagree. I'd be really hurt if somebody I loved and cared about got married and kept it a secret. If they wanted to get married privately (but not secretly) before their big ceremony, that's fine. But unless there's some huge taboo against the two ceremonies (and I don't think there is - as others have said, tons of people do this, for religious reasons or otherwise), I'd just plain feel left out if I wasn't told very soon after the fact. Selfish, maybe, but just MHO. I'd want to be there to share the joy and support them.
I will be marrying my fiance before our actual wedding again because of immigration reasons (he's British). We have been up front and honest with friends and family and everyone has been supportive, even several family members who I was worried would react poorly. We could have gone with just a civil ceremony but it was important to us that both of our families and most of our friends be present, and that is really not a possibilty when you only have 90 days to get married after the visa comes through!
Considering the amount of tradition surrounding weddings, it's understandable that some people would consider this 'fake'. However, times have changed--when my parents were married, they didn't have the same requirements for insurance coverage, benefits, or immigration that many people today do. From what you (the OP) wrote, it seems like you are also in this boat. As one of the other posters mentioned, this is normal in some other countries--I lived in China for two years, and knew several people who were legally married but waited up to a few years after they signed the paperwork to have their celebration. Nobody that I met considered that to be weird in any way.
As for making it special, I agree, the picnic sounds like a great idea! :)
We had two weddings because we wanted to avoid the nightmare of Italian paperwork for marrying foreigners.
We were just going to have my dad, a judge, marry us in his chambers and not think of that as the "real" wedding, but due to some twists and turns, we ended up having a little ceremony in our friends living room, with my dad officiating-- though he was the only parent there.
We now think of ourselves as having two anniversaries because each day was equally meaningful an special.
We had our engagement rings (he had one two), engraved with the 1st date and our initials and put a special phrase in Italian on the wedding bands along with the second date. I love looking at them together and thinking of out two happy days.
I would share your plans with your close friends and family and let them know that you are thrilled that they will be part of your second "real" wedding. We had some drama with FMIL when we orginally told her, but in the end she understood why we wanted to make both days special.
If you like the style, you can DIY a simple birdcage veil (see Miss Cookie's post today for info from someone that did this) to make you feel "bridey." Do get some flowers and make that bouquet the centerpiece for your post-ceremony picnic with your pooch. Don't forget your camera!
LOL-- as I was hitting "Submit", I realized I'd written "he had one two" instead of "he had one TOO". No, mr beanchar does not wear THREE rings now.... just the two bands stacked together.
Mr. JCM and I did a civil ceremony.........2 years in advance to the exact date of our "public" one.
It was for financial and immigration reasons to do it earlier.
We chose not to tell anyone but our immediate families and a few very close friends because a lot of our family is very political/drama-filled. Well, and co-workers and employers because of tax forms and stuff. We wanted to keep their mouths shut about the many things they could possibly say about us regarding our age differences, especially during the time at which we got married. We didn't want to publicly advertise that we were already married and risk having many OOT guests not want to come because it would take away from the seriousness and importance of it since we were already married.
Anyway, I say do what works best for you and your situation...If anyone gets upset, that really says something about somebody.
I feel like there is the paperwork side of a wedding, and the celebration side of wedding. The paperwork is stuff the government cares about, and I understand that the paperwork makes us legally married - but for me, the ceremony where we gather in front of our family and friends and pledge our love and listen to some nice words by our officiant is when I will feel truly married. Going to a courthouse before hand seems like taking care of the paperwork. I wouldn't feel like anyone missed out on any part of our wedding if they were not at a courthouse ceremony prior to wedding. we may or may not do the pre-wedding courthouse option. It all depends on if my officiant truly can perform weddings in my state - I keep reading conflicting info. If we do, I doubt I would tell anyone about it (except my officiant, I guess). the celebration with my family and friends is the important event for me. If someone found out and was offended or snarky with me because they felt like my wedding was a fraud - then they can check the "regretfully decline" line on the rsvp. we are asking our guests to celebrate with us, not witness the signing of the paperwork.
We're sort of doing something like this. Since we're paying for the whole thing ourselves, we opted to have a small, family only wedding and a dinner at a nice resturant afterwards. We're then planning on having a big party - no new ceremony, though - a few months later for our friends.
The idea was poo-pooed by some friends, saying they were hurt by the fact they weren't invited and that we were leaving them out. We've stood by the fact that we want our wedding to be intimate, but I am concerned that the second reception looks like we're trolling for presents.
I don't think anyone should feel like they're trolling for presents. If anyone does feel like that, then we should all get married privately and nobody should have a big wedding. I think having a reception is merely a great time to celebrate with all of your family and friends, and they are giving you items/money to start your new life together.
My BF and I are going to do this, but this is what we are going to do:
We are going to get married very near Chrstmas Day as 1) that's our favorite holiday and time of year 2) That would be the best time to celerbrate our wedding aniversary every year (our ultamite dream special occation ~our wedding day~)(this also making it 'our special day between the two of us, and our children.)
We plan to do our wedding in the spring time so that we can save money to share our wedding/ recption with our friends and family. Having it as a special time/ special gathering ceramony. It will be that time as well, where our friends and family wish us well and wisk us off on our hunnymoon
I'm thinking as well that this takes alot of the stress off, and nervousness from the two of us as we've already done our vows together on our "special Day"
When we do this we can add something special we want to say to each other in front of our friends/ and family and we can also have our own special saying on our day to each other on our day between the two of us making it more meaningful. Both days would be special and all our friends and family are all for it, as they all know how stressfull and overwelming it is just alone for the Bride and Groom just to do all this over one weekend (or 1-2 days) and planning it for a year (or less)
Personally I see the civil ceremony as simply a legal matter. I think it's lovely that you want to make it special . A picnic sounds great! maybe see if your favorite restaurant can help put something together. Maybe go to a doggie bakery and snag something for the dog too! However it works out congrats to both of you!
Hey! We are in the same boat. FI and I just went to the courthouse to sign the license and make an appt at the courthouse for next month. We will be having a reception later in June for extended family and friends to come and celebrate (and no, trolling for presents was not our intention for the reception; the reception is more of just a big, fun party for people to come out and celebrate). We have told some people about our plans and we did get some backlash about having this "private" ceremony. But in the end, both of our immediate families have committed to being there at the civil ceremony and that is what matters to us.
You cannot please everyone. It is just you and your fiance getting married by the judge with a witness nearby. It isn't you and your fiance and Auntie Jo's second cousin's husband's sister getting married. You know what I mean. Unless it is in your culture to do so, you have no obligation to consult with them for when you can and cannot have your ceremonies. For our civil ceremony, the room only holds up to 15 people so really, we can't just invite anyone and everyone to attend. Just because you are having a civil ceremony doesn't mean that it would have any less meaning than would than say, an elaborate church wedding either. So don't feel guilted for having something "private" like you originally wanted. And there is nothing fake about having a wedding ceremony later either. The second wedding ceremony is simply another celebration in a different manner. If you decide to keep the civil ceremony a secret, that is up to you and people should respect it no matter how they may feel otherwise.
In regards to your second question, make it special with a small birdcage veil, nice shoes (a special occasion makes the best excuse). Make reservations to go to a nice dinner afterwards and even pick up a small cake from your favorite bakery ready at the restaurant (that's what we are doing). Oh, and have someone handy to take a lot of photos. It's not all bells and whistles but you can look back at your pictures and remember what made that day special to you.
Oops sorry. I just read above that the civil marriage won't be a secret. Even better! You have nothing to hide. Just be excited that you have not one but now TWO days to celebrate and look forward to. Good luck with the rest of your planning.
As a guest I would not be offended at all that the legal marriage happened beforehand, but honestly, I would kind of feel like the second ceremony was a little fake. Unlesss the first one was earlier the same day or something.
Thanks for bringing up this topic. I actually just went to a wedding which was very small/casual. The bride and groom were married at city hall with their immediate families and had a backyard reception the next day for about 30 close friends and family. They plan to have a formal wedding in about a year. I should also note that I'm currently living in germany and that is not considered odd at all. One piece of advice I have is to get someone to take photos. I know another couple who were married privately and then went on a honeymoon and had a celebration with family later but they hired a photographer for the non-ceremoney marriage and have some amazing photos which truely captured how happy they were. This somehow made it easier for family and friends to relate to and provided them with something to look back on as there were no guests to take photos. So, find a friend who likes to take photos or hire someone but be sure to document your day for yourselves :) I don't think it's rude to want to have a private wedding and take more time to plan out a reception. Good Luck!
Do it! I really don't understand people who feel "offended" or "deceived" by this. In almost EVERY country in the world besides the US there is a seperate legal ceremony and religious/friends&family ceremony later. Eva Longoria did it when she got married in france and no one felt that her church wedding was "fake." Some times these take place the same day, sometimes the day before, and sometimes weeks or months apart. It's so common amongst people I know that I'm really surprised this is an issue for anyone. And for many people their "real" wedding IS the one that takes place in a church, temple, etc. under the eyes of God and before their families and friends. The stuff by the state is just a legal formality. Do what's best for you and don't give a second thought to nay sayers.
posted by BaghdadBride 4 months agoDo it! I really don't understand people who feel "offended" or "deceived" by this. In almost EVERY country in the world besides the US there is a seperate legal ceremony and religious/friends&family ceremony later. Eva Longoria did it when she got married in france and no one felt that her church wedding was "fake." Some times these take place the same day, sometimes the day before, and sometimes weeks or months apart. It's so common amongst people I know that I'm really surprised this is an issue for anyone. And for many people their "real" wedding IS the one that takes place in a church, temple, etc. under the eyes of God and before their families and friends. The stuff by the state is just a legal formality. Do what's best for you and don't give a second thought to nay sayers.
posted by BaghdadBride 4 months agoYou have to do it for your own reasons and it has to be special to you. Just remember that there are those friends and family who love you dearly and want to be there on your big day to show their love and support. They may look at your big day as the courhouse ceremony and not the November ceremony which means they could be hurt to find out that you didn't want them to be there. Be prepared for the fall out.
posted by nickyt 4 months agoI continue to puzzle over this thread. Was it ever implied that her private ceremony was going to be "secret"? It was even stated that family and friends have been consulted.
Back to the original question at hand, I say a beautiful dinner out for just the two of you at your favorite restaurant would be a beautiful way to make the day special. Don't worry about cost and treat yourself to a bottle of wine and dessert, too. Maybe even stay at a local hotel for the evening so it all feels special and new and romantic. It doesn't have to be expensive or extravagant, just simple ways to set the day apart from every other day on the calendar.
Oh, and congratulations on your upcoming wedding!
posted by Cyd 4 months agoI also find strange that people might get offended! I don't see why? In my experience people don't feel we're married because we didn't have a wedding...not the other way around...
They felt cheated no because they weren't present when we signed legal papers...but because there was no party!! no official announcement, no big bang...so in a way...or quiet just the two of us "signing of papers"....is "fake"...the real thing will be at the church...NEXT YEAR!
Good friends and family that loves you won't care as long as they're there to celebrate when YOU celebrate!
posted by V 4 months agoI disagree. I'd be really hurt if somebody I loved and cared about got married and kept it a secret. If they wanted to get married privately (but not secretly) before their big ceremony, that's fine. But unless there's some huge taboo against the two ceremonies (and I don't think there is - as others have said, tons of people do this, for religious reasons or otherwise), I'd just plain feel left out if I wasn't told very soon after the fact. Selfish, maybe, but just MHO. I'd want to be there to share the joy and support them.
posted by amysue 4 months agoI will be marrying my fiance before our actual wedding again because of immigration reasons (he's British). We have been up front and honest with friends and family and everyone has been supportive, even several family members who I was worried would react poorly. We could have gone with just a civil ceremony but it was important to us that both of our families and most of our friends be present, and that is really not a possibilty when you only have 90 days to get married after the visa comes through!
Considering the amount of tradition surrounding weddings, it's understandable that some people would consider this 'fake'. However, times have changed--when my parents were married, they didn't have the same requirements for insurance coverage, benefits, or immigration that many people today do. From what you (the OP) wrote, it seems like you are also in this boat. As one of the other posters mentioned, this is normal in some other countries--I lived in China for two years, and knew several people who were legally married but waited up to a few years after they signed the paperwork to have their celebration. Nobody that I met considered that to be weird in any way.
As for making it special, I agree, the picnic sounds like a great idea! :)
posted by skm 4 months agoWe had two weddings because we wanted to avoid the nightmare of Italian paperwork for marrying foreigners.
We were just going to have my dad, a judge, marry us in his chambers and not think of that as the "real" wedding, but due to some twists and turns, we ended up having a little ceremony in our friends living room, with my dad officiating-- though he was the only parent there.
We now think of ourselves as having two anniversaries because each day was equally meaningful an special.
We had our engagement rings (he had one two), engraved with the 1st date and our initials and put a special phrase in Italian on the wedding bands along with the second date. I love looking at them together and thinking of out two happy days.
I would share your plans with your close friends and family and let them know that you are thrilled that they will be part of your second "real" wedding. We had some drama with FMIL when we orginally told her, but in the end she understood why we wanted to make both days special.
If you like the style, you can DIY a simple birdcage veil (see Miss Cookie's post today for info from someone that did this) to make you feel "bridey." Do get some flowers and make that bouquet the centerpiece for your post-ceremony picnic with your pooch. Don't forget your camera!
posted by beanchar 4 months agoLOL-- as I was hitting "Submit", I realized I'd written "he had one two" instead of "he had one TOO". No, mr beanchar does not wear THREE rings now.... just the two bands stacked together.
posted by beanchar 4 months agoMr. JCM and I did a civil ceremony.........2 years in advance to the exact date of our "public" one.
It was for financial and immigration reasons to do it earlier.
We chose not to tell anyone but our immediate families and a few very close friends because a lot of our family is very political/drama-filled. Well, and co-workers and employers because of tax forms and stuff. We wanted to keep their mouths shut about the many things they could possibly say about us regarding our age differences, especially during the time at which we got married. We didn't want to publicly advertise that we were already married and risk having many OOT guests not want to come because it would take away from the seriousness and importance of it since we were already married.
Anyway, I say do what works best for you and your situation...If anyone gets upset, that really says something about somebody.
posted by JCM9608 4 months agoI feel like there is the paperwork side of a wedding, and the celebration side of wedding. The paperwork is stuff the government cares about, and I understand that the paperwork makes us legally married - but for me, the ceremony where we gather in front of our family and friends and pledge our love and listen to some nice words by our officiant is when I will feel truly married. Going to a courthouse before hand seems like taking care of the paperwork. I wouldn't feel like anyone missed out on any part of our wedding if they were not at a courthouse ceremony prior to wedding. we may or may not do the pre-wedding courthouse option. It all depends on if my officiant truly can perform weddings in my state - I keep reading conflicting info. If we do, I doubt I would tell anyone about it (except my officiant, I guess). the celebration with my family and friends is the important event for me. If someone found out and was offended or snarky with me because they felt like my wedding was a fraud - then they can check the "regretfully decline" line on the rsvp. we are asking our guests to celebrate with us, not witness the signing of the paperwork.
posted by woody 4 months agoWe're sort of doing something like this. Since we're paying for the whole thing ourselves, we opted to have a small, family only wedding and a dinner at a nice resturant afterwards. We're then planning on having a big party - no new ceremony, though - a few months later for our friends.
The idea was poo-pooed by some friends, saying they were hurt by the fact they weren't invited and that we were leaving them out. We've stood by the fact that we want our wedding to be intimate, but I am concerned that the second reception looks like we're trolling for presents.
posted by MrsF 4 months agoI don't think anyone should feel like they're trolling for presents. If anyone does feel like that, then we should all get married privately and nobody should have a big wedding. I think having a reception is merely a great time to celebrate with all of your family and friends, and they are giving you items/money to start your new life together.
posted by LeahB 4 months agoMy BF and I are going to do this, but this is what we are going to do:
We are going to get married very near Chrstmas Day as 1) that's our favorite holiday and time of year 2) That would be the best time to celerbrate our wedding aniversary every year (our ultamite dream special occation ~our wedding day~)(this also making it 'our special day between the two of us, and our children.)
We plan to do our wedding in the spring time so that we can save money to share our wedding/ recption with our friends and family. Having it as a special time/ special gathering ceramony. It will be that time as well, where our friends and family wish us well and wisk us off on our hunnymoon
I'm thinking as well that this takes alot of the stress off, and nervousness from the two of us as we've already done our vows together on our "special Day"
When we do this we can add something special we want to say to each other in front of our friends/ and family and we can also have our own special saying on our day to each other on our day between the two of us making it more meaningful. Both days would be special and all our friends and family are all for it, as they all know how stressfull and overwelming it is just alone for the Bride and Groom just to do all this over one weekend (or 1-2 days) and planning it for a year (or less)
posted by lea139 3 weeks agoPersonally I see the civil ceremony as simply a legal matter. I think it's lovely that you want to make it special . A picnic sounds great! maybe see if your favorite restaurant can help put something together. Maybe go to a doggie bakery and snag something for the dog too! However it works out congrats to both of you!
posted by BunnyBlue 3 weeks agoHey! We are in the same boat.
FI and I just went to the courthouse to sign the license and make an appt at the courthouse for next month. We will be having a reception later in June for extended family and friends to come and celebrate (and no, trolling for presents was not our intention for the reception; the reception is more of just a big, fun party for people to come out and celebrate). We have told some people about our plans and we did get some backlash about having this "private" ceremony. But in the end, both of our immediate families have committed to being there at the civil ceremony and that is what matters to us.
You cannot please everyone. It is just you and your fiance getting married by the judge with a witness nearby. It isn't you and your fiance and Auntie Jo's second cousin's husband's sister getting married. You know what I mean. Unless it is in your culture to do so, you have no obligation to consult with them for when you can and cannot have your ceremonies. For our civil ceremony, the room only holds up to 15 people so really, we can't just invite anyone and everyone to attend. Just because you are having a civil ceremony doesn't mean that it would have any less meaning than would than say, an elaborate church wedding either. So don't feel guilted for having something "private" like you originally wanted. And there is nothing fake about having a wedding ceremony later either. The second wedding ceremony is simply another celebration in a different manner. If you decide to keep the civil ceremony a secret, that is up to you and people should respect it no matter how they may feel otherwise.
In regards to your second question, make it special with a small birdcage veil, nice shoes (a special occasion makes the best excuse). Make reservations to go to a nice dinner afterwards and even pick up a small cake from your favorite bakery ready at the restaurant (that's what we are doing). Oh, and have someone handy to take a lot of photos. It's not all bells and whistles but you can look back at your pictures and remember what made that day special to you.
posted by lapetitep 3 weeks agoOops sorry. I just read above that the civil marriage won't be a secret. Even better! You have nothing to hide. Just be excited that you have not one but now TWO days to celebrate and look forward to. Good luck with the rest of your planning.
posted by lapetitep 3 weeks agoAs a guest I would not be offended at all that the legal marriage happened beforehand, but honestly, I would kind of feel like the second ceremony was a little fake. Unlesss the first one was earlier the same day or something.
posted by lc80 3 weeks agoThanks for bringing up this topic. I actually just went to a wedding which was very small/casual. The bride and groom were married at city hall with their immediate families and had a backyard reception the next day for about 30 close friends and family. They plan to have a formal wedding in about a year. I should also note that I'm currently living in germany and that is not considered odd at all. One piece of advice I have is to get someone to take photos. I know another couple who were married privately and then went on a honeymoon and had a celebration with family later but they hired a photographer for the non-ceremoney marriage and have some amazing photos which truely captured how happy they were. This somehow made it easier for family and friends to relate to and provided them with something to look back on as there were no guests to take photos. So, find a friend who likes to take photos or hire someone but be sure to document your day for yourselves :) I don't think it's rude to want to have a private wedding and take more time to plan out a reception. Good Luck!
posted by slicey19 3 weeks ago