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Do your friends feel like you're abandoning them? They might figure that this is the end of being able to spend time with you, like you're giving up your life for your FI. Marrying a man from another continent is bound to cause some of these feelings and everyone is going to expect you to travel throughout your life. To your friends, they see you having your real wedding in NZ as doing things your FI's way and at least in your post it sounds like your reception at home is no big deal.
I would be a little upset if a close friend was having a wedding in a location I just couldn't possibly make it to, but I think I could keep my comments in check. Even so, you might find it worthwhile to dress up your hometown reception just to include those friends who can't make it to NZ; I know as a friend I'd appreciate that.
I know this is silly but I never thought about it that way. It was my choice to have the wedding in NZ but I can see how it may seem otherwise. I have a very small family and his is very large - it just made sense. We live here and we are intending to stay in the US for now. I guess I can understand how peeple feel, but everyone who knows me should know that it's really wierd that I've actually stuck around this long - I have been talking about living overseas since I was little! And I love travel!
But I do have friends and family that have never even left the US - some who have never left New York State! I'm trying to be sensitive.
The reception here will be very nice but it has to be somewhat less than what we are doing in NZ - we're paying for everything and we can't afford two weddings.
By the same token, if we had the wedding here, his family/and friends would feel the same. Sigh, I just feel like no one wins.
My cousin had her wedding in a tree in Costa Rica. It was VERY small, it was beautiful, and it was a surprise to the family. Some people are bound to make rude comments, but just forget about it. They don't know how it sounds to you. And some people feel very upset or even insulted that you aren't planning your wedding around them. It's a selfish viewpoint, but some people don't know when they are being selfish. So just ignore the comments, and try to use them to segue into your plans for your hometown reception! It won't matter after the wedding anyway (trust me!). Good luck!
I am getting flack and we are only getting married in Florida...a measly 2 hour flight!! It's YOUR wedding and the people that want to be there will find a way, and those who don't, you probably don't want them there anyway! Enjoy it and I'm sure it will be beautiful!
Where are you living after the wedding? If you're moving away to NZ, I can say it is a very common thing for people to push others away to guard themselves from the pain of losing them. I've seen it everywhere from elementary school kinds when the district was changing to adults who's friends were moving away. I agree that it's possible that they feel you're abandoning them and it's (subconsciously) easier for them to make you an enemy and push you away then admit how much it hurts to be losing you. It sucks, I've dealt with and witnessed things like this so many times, and I'm sorry. Maybe just make it clear that even though you're having the wedding so far away, you really DO want them there and care about them and all.
I could see people maybe giving you some crap if you just randomly chose to get married in NZ, but the fact that your FI is from there, and your parents AREN'T paying for the wedding, makes me decide that these naysayers are just being rude and insensitive!
@mskalinin frankly, I have been in your camp this whole time. I mean, he's from NZ, that's where his entire family lives - I didn't just randomly pick the most far off place imaginable to upset people and this is how some people are acting.
But I do see everyone's point and I'm glad I posted this - melodicsighs - we aren't planning to move to NZ but at one point, we were thinking about it, so that might be what people are reacting to. I guess its hard for me to believe anyone really cares that much about my wedding - I won't go into my upbringing as I posted about it before and don't want to bore you guys - but I pretty much raised myself so I have a hard time realizing how much people to care.
I will say that a suprising number of people are saying they want to come (one friend is even planning her honeymoon around our wedding!) but the naysayers have been pretty harsh.
@MightySapphire, a tree in Costa Rica would have been so up my alley!!
@WDWBride - For me, Florida is like going around the corner! Tell 'em about the 18 hour flight to NZ if the snark!
Hang in there. We decided to Elope in Costa Rica. After the shock of the family a. not being invited and b. it being far way. They warmed up and started being supportive.
ohh another costa rica wedding!!! i'd love to be invited to one of those!!
to me, a far away wedding is an excuse to travel and i guess i am suprised more people don't see it this way - i know NZ is far and its not a cheap trip at all but i did think people would be saying things like "oooh I wish I could come, but sorry - too $$ of can't get the time off work, but have a great time!" rather than things like " New Zealand is a ridiculous place to get married!"
The way I see it, this is what's most tough about weddings -- you know, balancing what you want (you already being 2 people, the couple) along with everyone who wants to celebrate with you. So maybe people say, "it's your day, do what you want" but there really is a balance with that because your day is going to include other people.
I think the reason I responded the way I did initially was because there were so many people who didn't even bother to attend my wedding, but if they'd shown any kind of interest or comment it would have felt better. Yeah, even if people were saying they didn't have any interest in coming to Kentucky (maybe in NJ you know how east coast people are about the middle of the country!). If I'd done what I want, I would have gotten married on Friday morning at City Hall with my parents and IL's and then had a fancy lunch.
mary-alice-me - yes, to me, the wedding is not about us - it's mostly about FI's family who I have to say - are a great bunch of people. for the record, i dated a guy from kentucky years ago and i'd love to go there!
I get what you are saying about people too - people in the NYC area tend to think NY and the east coast the end all and be all of everything and i am sick of it - it is small minded.
I guess that is more my problem - where we live is not the only place to live. My aunt - the one who made the "NZ is ridiculous" was going on about how she was nervous to visit her daughter who now lives in Texas because "people there get married at 21!" and "I can't see why she wants to live in a place most people would be lucky to get out of" - really? How the heck does she know? I personally have been a city mouse all my life and would love to live in a rural community!
Different cultures are what make the world an exciting place. I told my aunt "If I can get along with people who live at the other end of the globe, then I think you should be able to handle Texas". Geez!
WDWBride - I'm in the same boat. My FMIL has given us a lot of grief for getting married in FL rather than MD, where we live. My parents aren't local anymore, and about 75% of our guest list are out of town guests. So we decided to choose a fun place that was inexpensive for our guests to travel, but from the moment we decided to do a destination wedding, she's been whining (behind our backs) about it. I hear about it from my FSIL or FFIL that she's upset or wishing that it could be at home, even though they aren't paying for any part of the wedding. She's even made it a point to tell my FSIL that when she gets married, it has to be in MD, even though she wants it to be where she grew up in OH. It's been so frustrating that someone that both the FI and I love is being so passive aggressive and unsupportive about our big day.
That being said, wildstyle, I think it's awesome you are having your wedding in NZ!! If we could afford it, I would have wanted to get married abroad. It's totally frustrating and rude that your aunt and any other family members would criticize your wedding choices. I think it's a great thing you are doing by including your FI's family in your wedding in such a big way.
I hope things die down for you as you continue planning. It's tough to just let those comments go, but just be confident that you are doing what's best for you and your FI on your big day :)
wildstyle -- wow, I feel like we're in such a similar situation! We're getting married in Malaysia since its next to impossible for his family to get visas here, and it would be expensive, etc etc. We haven't caught much flak about it, I mean we've gotten a few comments like, "a 22 hour plane ride! thats so far!" and yes, it is far. So, there are people who won't be there. I'm (so far) totally ok with that. The most important ones will come along.
I am actually having the opposite problem of some not-so close friends who heard about it, assume they are invited and invite themselves and their bf/gf, just because our wedding is a "great excuse" to travel. I personally don't want to have to worry about food, hotel, and transportation for some people who will only be marginally interested in my wedding, but I can't figure out how to say, erm, you're not invited.
We are in a similar situation but recieving less flack. My FI is German, we currently live in Germany but are getting married in the US due to the exchange rate and the fact that we live here so I don't get to spend much time with my family and friends. Either way, we knew what we were getting into and made sure to have a long engagement to allow people to save $$ and prepare to make the trip if they so chose, knowing it will be an expense. Luckily for us, his parents were on board along with his God parents and several of his friends. We also had an engagement party here where we gave everyone 2 years notice of the wedding. Now we are one year out and FI has started getting confirmations from friends who will travel but others have declined. We are, of course, encouraging people to make a vacation out of it and helping to source reasonably priced hotels and we have the exchange rate in our favor. I think people just need some time to think about it and realize why you made the decision you did. We did our enagagement party in his parents back yard under a tent with catering from a local Italian restaurant, ber and wine for 50 people it cost us about $2,000 but we won't have a "home town" reception after the long distance wedding so it was nice to celebrate with those who won't be able to travel for whatever reason, (grand parents friends with new babies, etc.). Hopefully your guests will come around with a bit of time and decide to make a vacation out of it.
Sorry to hear about the comments you're getting - you can never make everyone happy. The "NZ isn't even a place people go" comment is absurd, as you probably know. NZ is, um, AMAZING! Ultimately, it comes down to the two of you & where YOU want to get married. I think it's wonderful that you're getting married in NZ. Having the small reception at home when you get back is a great idea for those who can't travel to be with you. It sounds like you completely understand that that is going to happen - good for you!
Congrats on your upcoming wedding! NZ looks AMAZING and anyone I know that has gone there aches to go back at some point. I also think it's wonderful that your friend is planning her honeymoon around the same time - I would have done the same thing! I think you need to just come on WB and vent when people give you trouble about your wedding, and just keep on trucking. Be polite but don't waver, and know that you're doing what's best for you and your fiance.
Personally, since most of my friends don't live near me, all weddings are destination weddings to me. And I would rather travel to NZ for a really rockin' wedding and a once in a lifetime opportunity than the middle of nowhere hometown of a girlfriend. Just sayin'! I have my own hometown, but I wouldn't say it's an interesting destination :) We are getting married in Jamaica, and I've gotten my share of flak for it. But I consistently say that it's a special location for us, and that I hope they can come. But that's it - I have no hard feelings for those who can't make the journey, and hope to see them closer to home @ some festivites.
I have gotten A TON of flack for having my wedding in Colorado (most of my Family is in PA)! My situation is similar to yours, his family is much larger, and mine seem to have a little more money to throw around on flights.
Unfortunately, I've only got a 13 guest turn out at this point from my side and I'm feeling a little overwhelmed, like I'm missing out and won't know a lot of people at my own wedding :( Everything that goes wrong, and every person who can't make it, somehow it's my fault for wanting to have it in Colorado. It's been five months, it's like get over it already!
It really upsets me at times, especially because its 30 days to go and now my sister/MOH might have to drop out because she can't travel with her new baby. My dad of course blames me for the CO thing again! I feel like everyone hates me.
and oh yeah, duh, his family is mostly in CO
Hugs to all of you guys and thanks for your support.
Now it looks like we'll be getting married in the US after all but not b/c of the drama don't worry!
Hang in there. You cant please everyone. Accept their anger, bc it is understandable, but those who truly care and love you will accept that you chose to have your wedding in New Zealand and they will make the effort to be with you on your special day!
I think there's also another aspect: traditionally, the bride's side pays for it and hosts it in the bride's hometown. So although they may not even realize it, a lot of the bride's friends and families feel sort of "entitled" to having the wedding be convenient to them.
They probably haven't thought it through. It's just a prejudice I've encountered, and I wonder if you all may be encountering it too.
Glad to hear things got sorta out, but unfortunate that you had to deal with the drama.
We had naysayers too, with some people upset because it should be on "their" turf instead.
Sure, it's a long flight, but hey, I'm uprooting and moving to be with him.
Sometimes I just wished people would give a little thought to the challenges faced by transnational/continental couples....
We got married at home and didn't have this problem, but my brother got married on the Carribean island where he lives now (kicking myself for picking the wrong profession!), and he got major flak about air fare, etc. Even OUR PARENTS were complaining about it every time I talked to them.
It culminated with him calling me one night really upset about their attitude...it was bad to have other people making comments, but coming from our parents it was really hurting him, and he was reconsidering the location of the wedding. I talked to my parents about the horrible effect their words were having, but it didn't do much good. The wedding was held on the island and they did come (in their words, they "had no choice but to spend thousands of dollars"), and actually had a great time. I still don't understand how people can be so self-centered when it comes to weddings...it wasn't normal behaviour for them at all and I felt so sorry for my brother and his wife.
Wow! i feel more strength after reading all these posts- I am not alone!!! i just joined today, and obviously should have a looong time ago! :)
I have had a very international upbringing, and he is from Canada. We have set the "date" to next summer, but havent even been able to settle on a location yet. I have family and friends in Asia and Europe (more so than in North America) and he has family and freids predominantly in Canada. We are trying to choose on a destination that is practical, i.e. somehwere in the middle, so our deraest friends and family can have the best possible chance of attending. But everytime we think of a place, my family gets upset as its not right in their backyaerd! To be fair, my parents are diplomats and do not live in their own home country anyway. (Not to mention they or I havent lived there for about 20 years!) I do not understand this sudden return-to-roots attitude and my parents unhappiness at my decisions is taking a real turn on my happiness in planning the wedding.
Should I just shrug off their disapproval and do it our way (me and fiancee)? or should I succumb to their demands which i find unrealistic, impractical and selfish?
fianceenishi: i think the entitlement to the bride s side of the family having the weedding on their turf is part of the cause for my family s distress too. But at the end of the day, i feel like its ruining this experience for me that is supposed ot be amazing and happy.i love them, however i do feel they are being a little too interfering.
Thanks god for my wondeful and supportive fiancee through this madnes! :)
oh, yeah, did i have this problem!
my fiance is english, but lives in nova scotia, canada. i'm from east coast, USA. we wanted to get married not in my hometown, for reasons i won't go into.
so first we tried to see if people would come to nova scotia. NO, people would NOT come to nova scotia. my best friend actually campaigned for me to get married in Toronto -- totally randomly, i've never even been to Toronto before, and it's not my Number One fantasy vacation spot- --because she and her family could drive there from Pennsylvania. (Wait? Toronto? In fall or winter? Because you -- and not any other guest or family member -- could drive there? Wait, what?)
after getting all sorts of negativity and bad vibes and unpleasantness about Nova Scotia, we decided to get married on a Caribbean island. a place we've always wanted to go. a combined wedding and honeymoon, really.
and then the REAL moaning and complaining started. it was unreal. people were often downright nasty about it. (Okay, so don't come!)
in the end, i ended up renting accommodations for a large number of the guests, as a way to get anyone to turn up. we have a good crowd coming, and i'm happy about it all now.
Wow, that sucks - you have a completely legit reason for doing it in NZ, so I'm surprised at some of the comments. :-(
We've gotten a little flack from his family about having the wedding in Virginia, since they're all in California. However, there are 8 of them and about 50 other guests (including my family), all of whom are on the east coast. Plus FI has been living here since 1997 and I've been here since 2001, so DC is our home. Tough noogies to people who don't like it!
wildstyle, have you thought aboutr having two weddings? It might be that your friends and family in the US are disappointed that they won't get to see you say your vows. You could do a second informal "vow recital" at your US reception, wear your dress again, and maybe make your guests happy. (I'm not suggesting you spend extra money on another "real" wedding, just maybe add some of the wedding ceremony to your reception.)
My fiance and I are getting married in Florida, and our family all lives in Ohio/Kentucky. We haven't heard any complaining yet, but we haven't sent out the STDs either.
Yep, we've ran into some people that don't want to travel across the country for our wedding. It really sucks, but I don't have much advice for you other than I hope everything works out.
Yep, can relate to that one! Both our mothers made comments and poor attempts to make us change our minds. But this is really what we wanted and held our own. In the end, it all works fine, even if they relapse from time to time... We gave them two options: either to come or to look at the pictures when we come back. :)
I was surprised by the way our family reacted to our decision to get married in the Caribbean. I expected that his family would be resistant to the idea and that mine would be ok with it. It was the total opposite.
His family was thrilled to get the opportunity to take a vacation all together and celebrate our wedding with us and mine was less than thrilled.
Last week my Grandmother told me that they were not going to be coming to our wedding, because my grandfather isn't feeling well and my Uncle didn't have the time or money. I was heartbroken. THEN she casually added that they would all (my grandparents, two uncles and their wives) be going on a Caribbean cruise THE WEEK AFTER OUR WEDDING if we wanted to join them. Just stick the knife in and TWIST. I was crushed. To turn down our wedding in the Caribbean and then invite me to cruise the Caribbean with them the next week is utterly ridiculous. I can't even understand their actions here.
But it doesn't matter anymore. If I can't make them see how important this is to me and if they aren't willing to spend time getting to know my husband and our family there's nothing I can do to force them and I wouldn't want to. I am so excited to be marrying my best friend and the man of my dreams and have the wedding that makes us both happy. It is a hard decision to make, but it is the right one for us and I don't regret it. You can't make everyone happy.
While a DW is not in my future, I definitely know how irritating it is to have family members be sticks in the mud about traveling for a wedding. I mentioned to the Fi that my older sister wants to get married in Hawaii (which is nowhere NEAR as far as NZ is) and he had a sour reaction which irritated me a bit! I guess his uncle who is only a few years older than us and his wife had a DW and the MOG and some other family members weren't able to go because they couldn't afford it. I don't think that he even considered that the wedding is about the couple, and that people need to prioritize whether or not they want to attend a DW or splurge on say a new gadget that they really don't need.
same situation on a smaller scale- my fi is puerto rican, and since his family doesnt have much money it seemed like a reasonable idea. my family is all over the united states, so there was not a good central location, anyway.
so for my guests it is a destination wedding, but for his family it is local. .. . which means he has more people coming. . . ..he is having a slight hard time with that because he wants all these friends to be involved and i dont want it to be unbalanced.. . . i am afraid of my side looking pitiful
but i just keep telling myself those on my side that arent coming likely wouldnt go to a stateside wedding either, if it meant going out of their way too much. not being hateful, the economy is a great excuse to stay close to home.
We live in Ohio and decided to get married on the beach, on the Oregon Coast. It just seems so beautiful, and I've always wanted to travel to the Pacific Northwest. When I saw pictures of other weddings on the beach in OR, I was positive that this is what I want. FI was thrilled about is, and so were his parents. My parents, on the other hand, basically bit my head off when I told them (keep in mind that WE are paying for the entire wedding, and will be providing a huge oceanfront house). My mom snarled at me, "you're making it so that NO ONE can come!!" Which struck me as odd, because she and my stepfather travel every year, though it is primarily on the East coast. It's not as if they can't afford the plane tickets (and I've offered to be the "fare watcher" so that we can get the best price...ugh. Oh well, I'm not going to change my plans. 
omg, i feel like i'm reading about my own life in all these posts! we're getting married in Turks & Caicos in May 2010 and while no one has downright complained about the location (i made it very clear before i was even engaged that a DW was happening whether people liked it or not and if they wanted to pay for the wedding, then they got a say in the location). now that i've actually booked the wedding and started sending out info though, it's like everybody is shocked they will have to pay money for a flight & a hotel. granted, i picked a hotel that is not cheap to actually hold the wedding at, but there is a much more reasonable one directly next door and it's approx. a 15 sec. walk on the beach from one to another. i know that i have spent a LOT of $$ going traveling to other people's weddings in SoCal, Louisiana, etc and I never even really got a nice vaca out of those. So my feeling is, I pay, I do what I want and everybody else can figure out what will work for them.
I was wondering though, is anybody else including some sort of enclosure with save the dates or invitations that basically say something along the lines of "we understand our location choice may make it difficult for everyone to attend, etc etc."? i want to include something but am not sure how to make it sound diplomatic...any thoughts?
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And when I say far, I'm not screwing around...our wedding is next year in New Zealand! It's not a destination wedding per se. My FI is from New Zealand, from a huge family, and the exchange rate makes it hard for them to travel here - that is the main reason why we chose to marry there.
INew Zealand is an 18 hour flight from where most of my family/friends live (us too) - and I'm really not expecting a huge turnout but I am stunned by some of the reactions I have received. My aunt, upon hearing about our plans actually said "New Zealand just isn't a place people go at all and I think its strange. It's ridiculous."
Many friends are actually annoyed - we'll be having a small reception at home but gosh darn it, my wedding will be in New Zealand!
I get it - New Zealand is FAR. I cannot help it that I fell in love with someone who comes from a far away place. But you don't have to come - heck, I totally get it if you can't!! And I don't expect a gift either way!
Those of you marrying overseas or far from home, have you gotten similar flack from people??