Getting Married In Secrecy…

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 4
307 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Wow i’m sorry every one around you is so negative about the whole thing ..

I agree with getting married just the two of you.. Would save a lot of drama..

Maybe if everything went well with both of your families you could host a small reception to break the news for them?

Post # 5
2145 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I think whether or not you get married secretly, the family members who are going to talk are going to talk. So do it! There’s nothing wrong with it. I have these two amazing friends who were married secretly. They didn’t have any family problems…both of them came from very loving families…but the girl’s parents always warned her about getting married young, and I guess she just didn’t want to disappoint them if things didn’t work out. The couple had been together since high school, were secretly married in their early twenties, didn’t tell anyone for two years, and now, a few years after finding out, I’m not even offended anymore that they didn’t let me in on their little secret. Wink Their parents were shocked, their close friends were a little upset, but in the end it wasn’t that big of a deal, and we’re all happy for them anyway.

Post # 8
104 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I am so sorry your family is being so negative. Your mom is out of line and while I do agree with your choice to marry without them (life is too short to be with people who make you feel bad about yourself) I wouldn’t do it secretly. I would just get married and then shortly afterwards come out with it. Don’t wait to tell them a year from now because honestly that may start a fight and may feed into the drama pot your mom is stewing.

I am not saying they have to be invited. Have the wedding and then announce to your mother that you are married and happy and you hope that she could realize how happy your (now) husband makes you. If she cannot accept that, then only you know what to do. Don’t wait a year.

I don’t want to be harsh but I had family members who used to be manipulative and try to paint themselves as victims while making the other person look like the bad guy. The only thing you can do, short of cutting off family, is to be as calm as possible because family members who cause a lot of drama are usually the one who show their true colors once and for all. You know that your fiance is a great guy and the more that he shows his positive behavior, the more they will see that the rumors started were untrue. However, I also feel that people are going to say WHATEVER they want and you shouldn’t try to live your life by their words.

Post # 9
11634 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

In my head, if you go off and get married secretly, it’s almost like you’re just letting them “win” (for lack of a better term).  You’re hiding your happiness and hiding your relationship for the sake of other people, and I personally don’t think that’s a healthy, adult decision to make.

It’s one thing to not invite negative people to your wedding, but refusing to have your big day, with your friends and some of your more-pleasant family around only hurts you, your fiance, and your children.  You could easily have a small ceremony and not invite the negative people.  Hiding it just makes it seem like you’re doing something wrong.  If I were on the other side of this and someone secretly married a guy with all these crazy rumors flying around, I might start to think that the rumors were actually true and you were just going along with whatever the situation is.

I guess to me, it boils down to – hiding your relationship for the sake of not including your mother, isn’t a healthy choice, at all.

Post # 10
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012


I would suggest you go ahead and get married, as that’s what you want to do (congrats!), then snail mail some wedding announcements. You don’t have to TALK to anyone about it, but hiding it makes it look (and feel) like a dirty secret. It will rain on your parade. You don’t want to keep refering to your HUSBAND as your boyfriend or fiance around certain people in an attempt to keep the cat in the bag.

Also – the book Toxic Parents might be useful to you. Your mom sounds like a master manipulator, and now that you’ve cut her out she’s trying to use your brother as her middleman.

Post # 11
132 posts
Blushing bee

I have often thought about doing this too! My mother and I just don’t get on! Then I think why should I hide how happy I am and how happy we are as a family! But ultimately it is YOUR decision! 

Post # 12
2803 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Silly_love:  With how toxic your family sounds, I think they will say something negative about your marriage no mater what.  I am totally behind the wedding you want, without telling anyone first, just the two of you and your two friends.  That sounds special and exactly what I would do in your situation.  You don’t need to tell your family ahead of time.

That said, keeping it a secret afterwards only gives them ammunition in the future. 

“Mrs. Silly hates her mom so much she wouldn’t even tell her she was married.” 

“Mr. Silly hates this family so much that he ordered Mrs. Silly to keep their marriage a secret.” 

“Remember how Mrs. Silly kept her marriage a secret for a year.  Why would she do that to her own mother?” 

Give yourself a few days to enjoy the time with your husband without critisim, but take that bandaid off sooner, rather than later.  Your family sounds like it will gossip and act negative no mater how much time you give them.  If you treat it like a scandal, they will see it as a scandal. 

Also, your marriage is public record.  If I knew where you lived and your name, I could go down search for your marriage license after it was done.  I would be a bit afraid of someone finding out through the chain “Oh, Patty who works at the court house told Phill at Wal Mart who told Uncle Larry who told your mom.”  You get no say in how it is revealed at that point, and the hurt feelings will be even higher.

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