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Okay, one red flag is that you're saying you want to "fake the ceremony." If you feel that way, obviously it's not the best option for you. I'm not a fan of secret weddings for ANY reason and think you need to come clean with people. You're talking about hiding a MARRIAGE for almost a year. People will find out, and they will be offended that it was a lie.
EDIT: FH and I are getting married in December; everyone knows. But guess what? They are still gung-ho for the big party we're throwing on our original date next year because they love us and want to celebrate our marriage. Not the wedding--the marriage and the bond between two spouses. I think you should come clean and throw a party to celebrate your anniversary or something--people will still attend and enjoy it.
I don't think insurance would be worth having to lie, or omit truth, to your family.
I would be way more offended that I was being lied to than that I was asked to attend a 2nd wedding. I have a dear friend who got married early for insurance reasons, and later had a traditional wedding. They were very honest about it and everyone (as far as I know) understood completely.
Would your parents seriously freak out if you told them? And is it really earth shattering if people do find out and then you include them on your next wedding date in Aug 2011?
I would say the truth, but ifthere is no other choice than hidding it, i would bring it up latter, maybe july and tell them you decide to do it a month before, and try to be carefu, with your mail or anything about your name change, just in case you are doing it rightaway. Take lots of pictures and try to make it special, couse ven when it will be a secret, its important for you, and special moment, so make it special, so you guys can have great memories of it, good luck
I say go for it! There's no reason you can't get married now and have the wedding at a later date. Lots of people do this for one reason or another. You might want to tell your parents and immediate family members if you can trust them not to tell anyone else. It just might make you more comfortable to have people close to you know.
And don't think of it as a "fake wedding"! It's not like it's a pretend marriage. You would be getting married early for a legitimate reason. Although what you would technically be doing next August is a vow renewal, I don't see any reason why you need to tell people that. If they knew, they might be disappointed actually, to not be going to a "real" wedding, and it might mean that less people come, or they don't bring a gift. You want and deserve all the excitement that a wedding brings, so you should call it that. Plus then you get the experience of walking down the aisle in front of all your family and friends that you wont have at the city hall wedding.
I doubt you could do this at a church, but you can certainly have a friend or family member "marry" you. If anyone asks, just say they were ordained online.
I don't think she meant "fake the ceremony" the way a few people are taking it and I think it's breeding some undo hostility.
To the OP, my husband and I did this for the same reasons, and what we did was have a confidential license. In our state, this means that we had to make a sworn statement that we had already been living together as man and wife, and we did not require any witnesses. Also, people can't just request a copy of our marriage certificate from the recorder's office, they must have permission. Perhaps this would be a good option for you. You can get whoever you want to officiate your ceremony since they aren't declaring you husband and wife. You've already been declared.
Also, you have good reasons for doing what you're doing and the truth is that we have the same fear. We don't want people to think that we're just having a ceremony for presents. We fear judgement, similar to some of these responses, and that's why we're not telling anyone. We don't consider our big wedding to be a fake wedding. It's our wedding. In many ways, it's our coming party. We are publically declaring before everyone that we are husband and wife. Good luck, and don't worry. It's going to work out beautifully!
@EmEv: I don't think of it as fake, either. As far as we are concerned, the courthouse part is a formality; our "real" wedding will be the big one we have with our loved ones. We've tried to explain this to our parents in the past, and they didn't really understand it. My FMIL cannot keep a secret, so telling them will basically amount to telling our extended families.
@fabulouslyannonymous: You're right -- I did not mean "fake it." I just meant that it should look as authentic as possible so as not to raise questions from guests.
@ChaiAnkh99: I absolutely didn't think you did and I completely understand. Believe me! And I can tell you something else; wedding planning while already married? There's a kind of pressure that's off. I'm able to enjoy it much more now!
What if you did a "commitment" ceremony or vow renewal type ceremony?
If it's the right decision for you to get legally married now, I really wouldn't care so much about what other people are going to think. If I were your family member or friend, I would rather know the truth. I just feel like it's a big "lie" to pull off a fake ceremony, so big that the truth will probably tumble out one way or another and then what?
While people should understand your situation, they will also still want to celebrate with you.
My best friend recently did this and it was a wonderful occasion to attend her court wedding and we are all still so thrilled and excited to plan her big ceremony and reception. She and her husband have a HUGE family so the larger celebration to come will not come across as weird or offensive. It's actually quite expected!
If this is the path you choose, to wed for insurance/benefits, please don't lie to your family. Be proud to be his wife and excited for all the things to come! If people think it's weird, they can RSVP no!
We got married in February at a dinner with our immediate family so we could start my husband's Green Card process. We told everyone, though. My husband even started wearing his ring because he was so excited to be married. I only wore my engagement ring, though, because I wanted the experience of being engaged.
We had our wedding a week and a half ago with 110 people and what we called our "religious" ceremony. We did all of the religious traditions that we did not do at our "civil" ceremony in February.
People were thrilled just to be able to participate in our special day. I don't think that anyone judged us or were thinking it was a gift grab. It's just part of our unique story :)
I say embrace it!
DOn't try to hide it. Embrace your marriage and do the celebration later. We had friends who tried to hide theirs but of course everyone found out and was offended and they tried to "fake" their ceremony and the whole time I was just thinking how fake it was. I saw on someone's blog how they were upfront about being married already and even put on their programs that they were married before for citizenship reasons and I thought that was a much classier way of doing it. They still did all the things in a regular wedding.
@ChaiAnkh99: I am in the same exact boat. We're already married and the ceremony is going to be this August. Only our brothers and sisters know, and that's ONLY because they are some of our closest friends. they were super thrilled when they found out, and approve of our plan 100%
I think there is nothing wrong with wanting a ceremony too. Our marriage is on paper. In a few months, we're going to stand in front of my friends and have basically what is like a commitment ceremony. The officiant will know ahead of time (he is a friend, not a priest or judge so we don't need to worry about legal recourse). you know how some people incorporate the signing of the paperwork as part of the ceremony? if anyone asks, we'll just be vague and say "we took care of that part in private," which won't be a lie.
As for not telling family that we got married early-- I think that's a matter of personal preference and every family is different. We're not going to tell until many months after the reception, after all of the hoopla has simmered down. And it will be a personal conversation face to face with the parents, they're not going to find out on facebook or anything. Am I worried about what my parents will say when they eventually find out? No, I think they will laugh about it. Am I worried about what my FI's parents say, well, yes. They might freak. but it's not the end of the world.
Plus, WE are paying for every penny of it, so that makes me feel better.
Edit: we don't think of this as lying by omission at all. The way I think about it is that we are approaching our marriage in a non-traditional way. we did not make this decision lightly . we talked about it to the point of exhaustion, weighed pros and cons, and agreed that not telling our parents until after the ceremony was the best thing for our family.
anyway, good luck and congratulations!!
Some friends of mine did this last year it was prure EPIC. NOt for insurance though, but they secretly married in 2009 and told no one to a few close friends. Then after the wedding told everyone thanks for coming out to share our one year anniversary. It took everybody a while to understand it, and for those of us who knew we had to play along with the couple looking shocked. LOL
When it came time to thank everyone for coming: The husband said: we would like to thank everyone for coming to celebrate our one year anniversary... it was unbelievable.
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Even though our wedding is not until August, FI and I would like to get married early at City Hall so that I can be added to his insurance. When I say early, I mean next week.
We do not plan on telling anyone about it, but we're confused as to how to pull that off. Most of the old posts I've found are filled with people saying that their parents knew but no one else did, this is not feasible for us -- if we tell our parents, other people will find out. We don't want our wedding guests to find out and then be offended that we put on a big show, accepted wedding gifts, etc, so long after actually marrying.
I think one of our largest concerns is how to fake the ceremony on our wedding day. We are not having a church ceremony; we have considered having a family friend (who would not be legally qualified) officiate.
For anyone who has done this, how did you keep the secret?