Post # 1
My FI and I have been planning a casual wedding for October 2011. We are growing our own decorations (pumpkins, gourds, squashes, sunflowers) and DIYing most of the day. We planned for a BBQ pit to come in and cook. We wanted to make our own desserts for a dessert bar. All was fine and well, we were excited. This is exactly what we wanted. Unfortunately my FMIL is up in arms. We can’t take her criticism any more. She thinks we need to spend money to “do it right.” She says our wedding will be cheap and tacky and people are not going to enjoy themselves. We are at the end of our rope. We just want a casual BBQ and she is wrecking it. We are done with the whole wedding concept and want to elope at this point. We can’t deal with her for the next 8 months.
Currently I am considering a JOP wedding in my backyard with just immeadiate family. She can come if she wants. We want our wedding to be about our love and not about money or putting on a show for family and friends. Once the wedding is out of the way I figured we can have a BBQ to celebrate with everyone in October like we originally thought. Then we can keep it simple- it will no longer be a wedding. We will be married there will be no ceremony just a BBQ with friends and family.
Would you go to someone’s “wedding celebration” if they were already married? Has anyone else done something similair? Sorry for the long vent!
Post # 3
A dear friend of mine was married in Tortola this past May, and since we were saving for our own September wedding, we didn’t get to go… but she threw a GREAT party in her parents’ back yard – cookout, kegs, the whole bit. They put up a tent, had tables, a cake, it was all very casual – and everyone had a blast.
Post # 4
Yes, I would definitely still go in October. It’s still a celebration of the marriage of someone I care about. Why wouldn’t I go?
Of course, I might be biased. I had a JOP ceremony with no celebration afterward and am planning a “wedding” for later.
Post # 5
I think it’s fine if you want to do that (and, of course, I’d go to something like that), but I don’t think your FMIL should cheat you out of the wedding you want. We almost ditched the wedding idea (because of my crazy family). Going through a really dark time in planning made us think about what was really important and what we really wanted (ultimately, we decided it was important for us to make the commitment to each other in front of our friends/family that have supported and cared for us through our lives). I think your alternate plan is lovely – but don’t do it just because you are sick of FMIL – do it because THAT’S the type of wedding you want.
EDIT: I totally understand how her negative attitude is ruining things – BUT DON’T LET HER DO THAT TO HER. When she comes up with crazy ideas, just say – thank you. Smile. and either leave the room, change the subject, hang up the phone, etc. AND – stop telling her your plans. My family gave me grief over just about every detail they found out about related to the wedding – and, you know what? on the wedding day – they raved and raved about what a great wedding it was. It was seriously ridiculously comical. I wanted to scream at them and say: do you have any idea what a living nightmare you made my engagement? But, I just smiled and said thank you. Going through that taught me to just tune the negativity out. It’s an interesting exercise and I think a life lesson on dealing with the random expectations that family puts on the table regarding your wedding, life and future.
Post # 6
Does your FMIL know how upset she is making the two of you? Or what drastic measures you’re considering?
Letting her know that you’re considering cancelling the whole thing because of her criticisms might be a good way to get her to stop criticizing. It might not work, of course, but it might.
Post # 7
I would definetly go to someone’s wedding celebration. But I also think, if your FMIL is this involved now, she’s going to be quite angry when she finds out your change of plans. You should let her know what you are thinking of doing. And if you think you will have a hard time sitting down and talking with her, maybe write her an email.
Post # 8
I would totally attend a celebration BBQ/dinner! I say do whatever makes YOU happy. the FMIL can attend if she wants. if not, maybe you won’t miss her?
we are doing a JOP ceremony or a ‘private’ ceremony with just us, our 12yr old son and FH’s mom. this has caused a ton of drama, BUT it’s what WE want and i don’t care. we are throwing a cocktail hour and dinner directly after the private ceremony.
Post # 9
@oracle: I 100% agree.
I think you should continue on with your October BBQ Wedding plans (I would LOVE to attend that!) and when your FMIL starts bitching, just calmly say to her “then don’t come.” You’re going to have to treat her like a five year old here.
Post # 10
Of course I would go to a wedding celebration! I’ve been to a few of these types of celebrations, for a couple of destination weddings where not everyone could afford to go, and for one wedding where the ceremony was at a religious venue that only members of that particular church could attend. I think it’s perfectly fine.
But I do agree your FMIL might still throw a fit about it. So that being the case, if you really do want to do your DIY wedding ceremony & reception together in October, do it anyway! You and your FI can sit down with her and say, We understand your point of view on this, but this is how we feel. It’s our wedding, and this is how we want to do this. We hope you can be happy for us, and just enjoy the day with us.
Post # 11
Thanks Everyone. Reading your responses helps to calm me down 🙂
Originally I was all for eloping. FI was the one who wanted a wedding, but he wanted it because he felt he owed it to his mother. We have made a lot of plans to have a wedding but make it about us. FI is very close to his mom and is the baby of the family. I was very surprised when he stated that he was ready to just elope. She haas pushed him that far with her comments and insults. It seems to be a constant battle.
I would be thrilled to just have a backyard wedding. I’m shy and am dreading the idea of getting married infront of 120 people. My fear is that changing plans would do more harm than good. We just want to be married and get on with our lives. We’re excited to be husband and wife. Not to have a wedding.
Post # 12
@oracle: Totally agree!
OP – Do the wedding YOU want. FMIL can either deal with it or make a fool of herself by biatchin about it. If you choose to elope, I can count myself in among the people who would gladly go to a party that you hold later. Of course I’m prejudiced… lol I’m a 2 ceremony gal due to immigration! 😛
Post # 13
First of all, you’re growing your own decorations? *swoon* That’s so wonderful 🙂
Your planned wedding sounds like a blast to me. Don’t let FMIL pressure you and your FI into doing something expensive and cookie-cutter. I believe that the day should be about who you and FI are as a couple and sharing your union with loved ones. Could FI talk to her about her behavior, and let her know that the two of you are planning exactly what you want? Maybe he can suggest some ways for her to be involved in the planning that will allow her to have some input without changing the whole energy of the event?
But there’s nothing wrong with a post-wedding party if you would rather do that. I would absolutely attend if someone I knew was throwing one and think nothing of it. Only a true stick-in-the-mud would probably decline
Post # 14
First of all, I think your wedding sounds awesome! My dream wedding is a backyard clambake….really casual and just close families and friends. I think you should continue with your originial plan and have your fiance talk to his mom to calm her down.
And for what its worth, I have been to 3 wedding celebrations where the couple was already married. And they were all big formal affairs. One was married because of the military, one because of green card issues, and one got married secretly before their big wedding and didn’t tell anyone until after their big reception 🙂
Post # 15
My BF likes BBQ. Can we come? 🙂
Post # 16
Your wedding sounds like a blast to me! If it works for you, then just ignore anything anyone else says. This is one day you have the right to call the shots, so do what feels right to you.