Post # 1
I’m going anonymous because I don’t want anything I’ve posted on my normal account to link me to this. I love my FI, we’re great together, and we’ve been together for about 9 years. Never in that time have I had feelings or even serious physical urges for other men. Never have I questioned whether I was the monogamous type (always have been). Earlier this year I came to know someone through circumstances I’m going to leave unspecified because I want to keep this post unidentifiable. I thought nothing of him at first but at some point I realized I had developed a crush on him. The longer I’ve known him, the worse it’s gotten. I think about him a lot and fantasize about him….a lot.
This man is in no way a suitable partner for me. He’s single but he’s way, WAAAY older than me. If you had told me a year ago that I would have a desperate physical crush on someone his age, I wouldn’t have believed you. It’s not like I’m thinking, hmm, maybe I should leave FI for this guy who’s OLDER THAN MY DAD. That’s not the question. The problem is that I really want to sleep with him. And I don’t think I could ever actually do something like that–the thought of actually cheating on my FI completely sickens me–but the intensity of my desire scares me.
In case you’re wondering, I have a healthy, loving and appropriate relationship with my father so I don’t think this is some kind of “daddy” thing. The older guy is kind of the opposite of my FI–he has qualities that FI doesn’t have (and vice versa), but, again, he’s not a suitable romantic partner for me under any circumstances so WTF. FI’s and my sex life is good…we’re compatible and everything is nice, but after 9 years you don’t get the same jolt when you touch each other as you did at the beginning. I wasn’t conscious of being sexually unfulfilled before this, but maybe it’s sexual boredom that has somehow gotten channeled onto this one guy? I don’t really feel that trying to spice things up with FI in the bedroom will fix this problem. Both FI and I are pretty vanilla, fundamentally, so there’s only so much spicing we could do before we’d be out of our comfort zone. I don’t crave “different” sex, I crave “normal” sex with someone else.
I know a good start would be staying away from the older guy, but circumstances make it difficult for me not to see him a couple times a week. It would be hard for me to avoid him without giving a reason and that would just be gross and awkward. I am NOT planning on crossing the line with him in real life but I would like to stop crossing the line with him in my head. Is there a way to get over a crush when you have to continue to see the person? And what the hell is wrong with me?!? Is it cold feet? I never questioned my desire to marry FI before now, and I still don’t exactly, but I know it’s not right, on the eve of one’s wedding, to be sexually fixated on someone else.
I’m not considering canceling/postponing the wedding because I know, in my head, that I still want to marry FI and I feel like my hormones are pulling some kind of fuckery on me and I just need to get clear and flush this nonsense out. So…any tips on how to do that? Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? Do I need counseling? Will that even help?! Sorry this is so long and jumbled. My mind is a jumbled place right now. Thank you if you read all this.
Post # 3
I can’t say that I’ve ever been in this situation. Does your FI know the older guy? Can you talk to FI about it? if you’ve been together that long I’d imagine you should be able to talk about anything.. maybe putting it out there will burst that dream bubble you want to get rid of? If it is bothering you that much I think that’s what I’d suggest first…
Post # 4
Breathe. Limit your contact with him to simple hello/goodbye and whatever business you have. You don’t owe the crush an explanation. I haven’t been in your shoes but this sounds like a slippery slope so I would communicate with him only for what is necessary. Nothing else.
I don’t think you’re crazy or love your FI any less. Sometimes people crave excitement. As long as you make the right decision all will be fine.
Post # 5
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
Only constructive advice is to stay away from the guy by whatever means necessary. You are going to be sexually tempted even when you’re happily married, the key is to remove yourself from any situation where something might happen. I don’t know what it is that makes it so you have to see this man 2-3 times per week but if you can’t fix that then I would preoccupy myself by ignoring him or being mean to him until he left me alone; who cares if he thinks you’re weird or a b*tch for doing it.
Post # 6
You know what? This is normal.
These things happen. Pheremones, chemistry, attraction. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you or your relationship.
My advice would be, when you start to fantasize about this man, gently steer yourself away from thinking about him to something else. When you’re around him, try not to show that you’re attracted; try to be aware of whether you’re flirting, and if you catch yourself doing it, pull back from the situation and excuse yourself.
You may find this man attractive on some level for a long time, the important thing is that you don’t act on it, and eventually it’ll fade to just a warm kind of affection, rather than burning attraction.
Post # 7
I don’t have any advice but to say stay away from him… but since you say you can’t, I would try very hard to fixate on something that he does that bothers you a lot so you won’t be attracted to him…. does he pick his nose? (I know, gross, but you get my point?)
Post # 8
I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. I was in a VERY similar situation a couple years back (at the moment I too have been with FI close to 9 years, then I think it was something like 5 or 6). I am a student and my crush was on a student in a class of mine so as you can imagine it was very hard for me to avoid him as well!! I felt so guilty about my crush that these feelings began to haunt me on a daily basis. I would even have dreams that I would feel so upset about! I hope you will find comfort in the fact that it passed for me and I am in a happy and loving relationship with my Fi! I see that guy from time to time and I laugh to myself wondering how I could have had a crush on him at him at all! What really helped for me was actually couselling and I would highly recommend it. We discovered the reasoning underlying why I had this crush and very soon after that (it was somewhat gradual though) it dissipated! This guy ended up in a class of mine again in a following semester and I was able to see him on a weekly basis without freaking out. Please don’t beat yourself up about this because you are not alone. It is not abnormal and you are not any less in love with your FI because of this! If you need any more advice or want to more details about my story, don’t hesitate to pm me!! Good luck! You will be okay!! 🙂
Post # 9
I don’t really know what to say. I can understand how you feel because back in my college days, I always craved the newness that a new guy would bring and the level of intensity you feel in the beginning with anyone is increadible. I’ve been with FI for 3 years and I understand that things can fizzle and get boring because its not new and passionate. I can even understand having crushes on other people. I’m not judging by ANY means, but if you are with FI and thinking about someone else, that is when you have crossed a line. The only advice I can give is try to picture how your FI would feel if he knew how you felt…picture how you would feel if your FI had these feelings for someone else…and picture that anything physical that occured with the new guy would probably NOT be worth it. Do you know how many times I had such great expectations for someone new and then it turned out to be a complete and utter disappoint? Imagine you did go that far, and it was AWFUL and there was no chemistry…now wouldn’t you feel even worse that you cheated and ended up with no one? These things never end well. It all seems fun and exciting because its new and you are with someone else so there is the excitement of being caught, but your desire is nothing more than that. Keep telling yourself that it will be awful and then everything will be ruined. The mind is a powerful tool. And in regards to your FI, google some ideas on how to spice up your life with him and make things feel new again. Try dating each other again. Pretend you just met. Schedule one exciting encounter a week with each other. Clearly something is missing if your desires for someone else are this strong. Good luck. And seriously…the new guy is not worth it…trust me. I have been there.
Post # 10
It sounds like you have a good, healthy perspective on this, and no plans on acting on it. Sometimes crushes happen. There’s nothing wrong with you. Just try to avoid interaction with this guy as much as possible, and keep it appropriate. The crush will run its course. Maybe try going on dates and doing the sort of things you and FI did when things were new. It’ll freshen things up and help it feel new again.
Post # 11
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
I’ve been with my guy for that long too, and I can totally relate. You don’t realize you’re missing the excitement until someone comes along to remind you of all the butterflies and sexiness of a new encounter. I concur with others, just try to limit your contact with this guy and hopefully in a while you’ll get over it. I know people have different opinions about this, but fantasies are healthy, so maybe think about some of this while you’re getting it on with your guy? That could rekindle some spark and maybe you wouldn’t have to think about someone else down the line. And I disagree with a previous poster, DON”T tell him about it – that can only hurt him and do no good, especially since there’s no way you’re going to act on your feelings. Last, whatever you do, don’t go out drinking with this guy!!! I’ve been in that position in the past – all of your rational thoughts about not wanting to destroy your perfect wonderful relationship for the sake of a little exciting fun go right out the windo. Good luck love xoxox
Post # 12
Relax and breathe hun! I say do what you can to not put yourself in a position where you may be tempted to do something! (e.g., don’t spend time alone with him). And know, that if you sleep with him, what you’re picturing in your head is probably way better than the reality of it would be and that how awful the aftermath would be just isn’t worth it. Eventually your feelings will dissipate and all will be back to normal. In the meantime, I do think trying to change up your routine sex life with your FI could help – and if not – at least it will be fun! It doesn’t have to be anything super over the top crazy, just get out of the “routine” a bit.
And aslong as your fantasy remains in your head – there’s nothing your FI can do to find about it! 😉 If you catch my drift..
Post # 13
@NJmeetsBX: I agree with all this.
Be safe and stay away from him. It’s just the “newness” and the excitement of the idea of sleeping with him. Women and men DO feel tempted by others. The cheaters stay on the slippery slope and fall into the trap. The monogamous ones recognize the risk, and keep their distance.
Post # 14
Ladies, thank you!!! You have NO idea how much of a relief it is for me just to be heard, and to hear from you in turn that it’s OK, it happens, and your advice on some constructive steps to take. I think part of my problem has been keeping this bottled up and feeling like I have no one I can talk to about it. I’m too embarrassed to talk to my friends about it. FI does know the older guy, but I don’t feel that I can tell FI about the crush. FI is like hyper monogamy man and might take a confession of my crush to mean more than it does. I know sometimes couples have a policy where they tell each other about crushes to keep each other honest and I think that’s great and healthy, but I’m not sure that would work between us. I’m afraid it would wound him too much and I don’t want to hurt him. But you all are so right that if I acted out on my fantasy with the older guy, it would probably be awkward, creepy and disappointing, and why would I risk my forever relationship for that?!? It sounds totally crazy when I spell it out like that. What’s in my head is a fiction. And it will stay that way, and in the meantime I will try to notice some unattractive things about the old guy to help push those thoughts out of my head.
Post # 15
No, I wouldn’t telll him about the crush. You recognize it for what it is, you’re handling it, and it would just make him needlessly insecure and looking for problems where there really aren’t any.
If you were crushing on this guy for different reasons — because you saw him as a way of meeting needs your FI doesn’t, for instance, I’d definitely say you should talk to your FI so that he knows what you need.
But this just sounds like chemistry, nothing serious.
Also, old guys have really wrinkly ball sacks. Like elephant skin. Really.
Post # 16
@Whats_Wrong_With_Me: I wouldn’t try to push the attraction for the older guy away. That could possibly make it more intriguing. What I would do is accept and ackowledge any feelings you have toward the older guy and realize that a lot of men and women are attracted to someone other than their spouse. It IS ok. Being attracted to him is fine, fantasizing about him is fine too, but don’t spend time with him if you can help it. Don’t let the temptation turn into cheating. That’s all you need to do. You can think and feel wahtever you want as long as it doesn’t lead to action.
I have a mega crush on my former art teacher, for some reason. He isn’t necessarily attractive or anything. I think it’s more the idea of him being attracted to me, which I think he was, and the taboo idea of a student being with the teacher. BUT it’s only ever been thoughts and feelings, nothing more. By focusing on and worrying about these feelings, your giving them power. Just accept them and the attraction will probably lessen on its own. Right now, he’s like the forbidden fruit in a way. It makes him seem more alluring than he actually is, I’m guessing.