(Closed) Getting Married soon and fiancé told me doesn't want children

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Hostess
8580 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

This was the dealbreaker with my ex.

We had discussed it early on in the relationship.. 3 years later he told me he was “too old for kids”. He was 33 at the time.

I ran away.

I REALLY want kids.

Post # 4
Member
996 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@Planningin2013:  Well if he isn’t sure then you need to decide if you can marry him with the possibility of him never wanting children. If you can’t live with the possibility that he may never want children after all, then you have some major thinking to do. You can’t force someone to have children, even if they originally wanted them years ago. He may be under work stress, wedding stress, or some other kinds of pressures that are making him think a little differently but regardless, you need to address this now before the two of you get married.

Post # 5
Member
4729 posts
Honey bee

Not cool of him to dump this on you 3 weeks before your wedding! This would be a dealbreaker for me, but only you can decide if it’s a dealbreaker for you. Do you honestly think it’s just nerves and stress?

Talk to him again and try to get to the root of it. You need to make up your mind like… yesterday. 

Post # 7
Member
855 posts
Busy bee

Oh man! This isn’t good.

May I ask how old you are? If you’re still quite young (early 20s) maybe he’s just thinking about how he wouldn’t want kids in the near future?

My FI is only 25 and although he does want kids in the future, he would be massively freaked out right now if I were to start talking about having a baby.

You need more than a 2 hour phone conversation about this. Ask him if it’s a dealbreaker for him, and if he’s willing to give up on your relationship and marriage if it means not having children.

I know a lot of men who said they wouldn’t have kids, but once their kids are here, they can’t imagine not ever having them. Of course I’m not saying it’s not right to ‘accidentally’ get pregnant, but I think if he’s not been 100% anti-children from the word go, then it’s probably more of an issue for you NOT having kids, than it is for him to have them.

You both need to address if this is worth calling off the wedding for. If he thinks he can say that and it not have any repercussions he needs to think again!

ETA: it’s not fair for YOU to have to reevaluate your relationship and whether or not your should get married. he should be the one saying ‘actually, no, i don’t want this and you do. so it’s over’ instead of giving you some pretty serious information and making you decide your fate so he’s not the bad guy.

Post # 8
Member
458 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

It is possible he’s just saying this because of the stress of the wedding and anticipating how life could change after the wedding. What were his reasons? If it’s something like he doesn’t like kids or he has no desire to be a parent, then you may have a problem. If it’s more like, he likes things the way they are now, or kids are expensive, or he thinks he’s too selfish to have kids, that could be brought on by stress.

As awful as calling the wedding off would be, it would be even worse to get married, try to convince him into kids for a few years, having lots of arguments, and divorcing when it doesn’t happen. Unless you can picture yourself not having kids. So sorry you’re in this situation!

Post # 10
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I wouldn’t make too much of it.

My experience: I have ended up in circular “discussions”  with my fiance that lasted 2 or 3 hours whenever we’re both really stressed out even when we’re both on the same page and just feel like we’re not. We feel tense and misunderstood so we just keep repeating ourselves and saying the same things over and over and questioning eachother. When that’s happened it is not because we both have “such strong feelings” about somehting, its usually just a projection of stress that we happen to be projecting at the same time (we are in college together and midterms and finals are like WWIII every semester) and usually just reflects an initial statement that he or I made that wasn’t recieved the way it was intended.

We’ve ended up in arguments about things that neither of us give a damn about but we’re just frustrated with the feeling that we’re not communicating well so we back up our feelings and fight for them for whatever reason.

He especailly has a propensity for backing up things that he doesn’t feel if i accuse him of “just saying” it or “not meaning” it.

 

My guess is that your FI is just feeling very very stressed and is projecting that. Maybe he feels that he REALLY does not want kids. Maybe he just said something out of some sort of momentary idiocy(said with a bit of humor) and just backed it up because you weren’t reacting “right” per se.

If he’s gone back and forth in the past then realize this: you have years to figure out how you guys feel. Just because he says something rashly before your wedding really doesn’t mean that much. Maybe he feels like you’re talking about babies too much and that there’s pressure for you to have kids ASAP and is just resisting with a slightly melodramatic and sweeping thought that he will never want kids.

Again, I wouldn’t think too much of it.

 

Post # 12
Member
77 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 1998

This is the dealbreaker that broke up my brother’s marraige and the marriage of one of my good friends. I think it really has to be sorted out before going down the aisle. 

Post # 13
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Ugh, I understand really wanting kids, I do! But please don’t leave your FI over this. I know you may feel its a deal breaker but he’s stressed and as cliche as it might be to say, guys are stupid!

If my FI and I broke up (we’ve been together for 7 years) over every stressful situation we had where it felt like there was no resolution, we would have broken up 10 times over! You and your fiance have been together 5 years and I am sure he’s acted rashly when he was stressed before, its only human, emphasis on MAN!

A man living his entire life saying “I don’t want kids, I never will, end of story” thats one thing, but from what I can tell that is not THIS thing. Had it been, you wouldn’t have gotten this far, I am sure of it!

You obviously both love eachother and he likes kids and has wanted kids in the past, is his feelings during the few weeks/just a few days during one of the most high stress situations he will have to deal with. For instance, you just paid the final check, that’s a very stressful time financially and emotionally, especially if you guys haven’t had a lot of alone time and are working high stress full time.

What you need to keep in mind: this feeling he just expressed came on very suddenly at a time in his life when he is VERY stressed, Chances are that feeling will leave just as suddenly. Even if this were something he felt long term, most people I’ve met that said they don’t want kids, ended up wanting kids! I’ve been there! He wouldn’t give you a reason, so I refer to my previous post ^, it may be that he doesn’t have a reason, it may be that he is just feeling stressed and saying stuff and doing the backing it up thing out of tenseness and feelings of being misunderstood.

Post # 14
Member
4372 posts
Honey bee

This is something you guys really need to figure out before you get married. Maybe finding a marriage counselor to parse out the issues would help. 

Post # 15
Member
3124 posts
Sugar bee

@Planningin2013:  Honestly, I don’t think he needs to have a reason. If he really doesn’t want them, he just doesn’t want them. He doesn’t need to justify himself. However, that is really not cool that he may have just figured this out 3 weeks before the wedding. 

Is this a dealbreaker for you? Do you NEED to have kids to feel fulfilled with your life? Or are you willing to trade in kids for a lifetime with your SO? 

On the bright side (still kinda dismal), at least he DID tell you this BEFORE the wedding. That way, you two can figure out where, exactly, each of you stand on the issue and then decide to go through with the wedding. At least it isn’t after you are married with the expectation that you are going to have kids one day and he tells you after tying the knot that it is a no-go and you end up having to divorce him because you have to have a kid.

Post # 16
Hostess
8580 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

@SQT72:  THIS.

It needs to be worked out BEFORE the marriage.

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