Getting married to a much older partner

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
290 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

My partner is 16 years older and being widowed is a fear of mine. But I adore him and could never leave so I accept that as part of our relationship. I did let my fears about his age/parents age/teenage stepsons etc consume us for a short while but now I have made peace and feel very content to get married. Try the Conscious Transitions website to work out where your fear is coming from. If you really love this guy and dont want to be without him, it could be external stressors making you feel this way. If you aren’t sure about him as a person, it could be cold feet. It is a big age gap but if his health is good it could work. I completely understand why you might be feeling the way you do. I think you need to accept that your children will likely lose their father younger than some. You need to decide if you can handle that. I’ve decided I can because who knows what the future holds? And the most important things in life are peace, happiness, love and family. If your FI brings theses things to your life I wish you all the best xxxxx

Post # 3
Member
5228 posts
Bee Keeper

nerdybride121:  My husband is 17 years my senior. I also worry about being widowed young. I decided I would take what ever time I could get. I am fortunate that he takes good care of himself. Honestly, we don’t notice the age difference most of the time. 

Given that there is almost 30 years between you and him, there are things to think about. If you do not plan on having kids, you will not likely be able to, even if you are widowed young(something to think about at 32…..women do have babies in their 40’s, but its not easy). Men can have children in their 60’s, but I question the wisdom of such things. There are the age related diseases to think about…..honestly though, having worked in health care for almost 20 years, anyone can get sick. I’ve taken care of plenty of 20 and 30 year old people with severe, debilitating diseases. We get no gaurantees in life.

If you know this is right for you, then enjoy the time you have together. Life is too short for all of us. 

 

Post # 6
Member
4797 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

nerdybride121:  I also have an older fiance and I kind of had some of those worries. But my feeling was if I only get 10 great years out of him, then those will be the best 10 years of my life! For a fact. AND as far as being widowed young, they may become widowers because we could get hit by a bus tomorrow! Seriously!

Post # 7
Member
4072 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

He is nearly 30 years older than you. I’d be questioning you if you weren’t at all concerned about being a young widow or having your children lose their father.

If you had a child this year, he will be 78 when the child graduated high school. 

My dad was 55 when I was born. I have to face that statistically he won’t be around to meet the children I plan to have in a few years. All through high school I worried he wouldn’t see me graduate, and then I was worried he wouldn’t see me finish university. Then I was worried he wouldn’t walk me down the aisle. Granted, he could defy typical life spans and live to be 100.

It’s definitely something you should weigh. It doesn’t mean your love isn’t wonderful nor that he isn’t a great partner. But the fact is age does matter, and you have to decide if it’s worth it to you.

Post # 8
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I think you have to reconcile the absolute truth that you will be widowed much earlier than you might wish if you marry someone 30 years older. That’s not to say that you won’t and can’t have many happy years together but being realistic here, in 20 years time he’s going to be 80. So you’ll almost certainly be more of a carer than a lover. Sure, the theory that you can get hit by a bus tomorrow is a fact too. But statistically, the chance of dying of old age or age-related illness is a greater one! 

Only you can decide whether this aspect is something you can live with. Me and my DH are older and have both been married before. Last year he was diagnosed with a life threatening condition and we really didn’t think we’d see our first anniversary together. Luckily he’s kicked his condition into touch but I strongly believe in the quality of life argument. We’d happily have 5 great years together than we would avoid commitment and togetherness just because that time together might be shorter. 

Post # 9
Member
3735 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

nerdybride121:  Hi there. I don’t usually go into specifics on this site BUT since your post is so relatable to me, I’ll share. I’m 36 and my FH is 60. I have had the same thoughts and concerns. I recently voiced them in fact to FH because they needed to be said aloud. The idea of being widowed 20 years from now is scary. I told him that I sometimes fear him dying, me being widowed, and where that’d put me. Honestly, if I didn’t think these things, I’d wonder if I was not being realistic.

FH and I have decided upon no children. He has two grown children already. I think a child would be great but he does not. It took a lot of time for me to accept this but I have and I’m ok. If we were to have children together, I probably would not marry a man so much my senior. FH would not likely be able to participate as much as I would like and I would find that unfair to everyone, FH included.

My greatest concern now is health and fitness for us as a couple. To sustain the greatest quality of life, I believe overall fitness is key. I told FH that I really would like him to be fit and active for many years to come so that we can continue to share adventures together.

…Sometimes I wonder though, if he gets really, really sick like with dementia or Alzheimer’s, if I’ll be able to nurse him and if I’d want to take on that role. I acknowledge that this is partly selfish but also a realistic concern. However, since I do not have the answers to the “what ifs,” I can only make decisions based upon what I know today and today, he is the most fabulous, respectable, caring man I have ever met. I am excited to marry him and start a new chapter of our life together.

Post # 11
Member
7664 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

I wonder… is it his age which bothers you, or the fact that you wonder whether there is something you don’t know about why his 3 previous marriages were not a success? I ask because you describe the marriages in detail. This is clearly something you have thought about previously. I wonder if his being married several times before is more of a big deal to you than you want to admit. Just putting it out there. No divorce is ever 100% the fault of just one partner.

Post # 13
Member
3223 posts
Sugar bee

As someone who works with seniors, I would personally be more worried about spending such a good portion of your “best” years being tied down as a caregiver for a senior. 

Statistically most adults will spend 8-10 years of their older lives disabled.  A stroke or dementia are definitely things you should be concerned about.  And you need to be realistic with yourself as to whether or not you will be able to handle the shift in roles.  It is a very real shift in dynamic to become someones caregiver.  You in some senses stop being the wife, and essentially become centred around taking care of that person.  There is a power dynamic of one of you being solely the giver, and the other solely the taker.  You could be changing their diapers, feeding them, pushing their wheelchair, physically transferring them, doing everything for them.  They may not be able to even express gratitude that you are doing so much, and may actively resent you for that.

Are you prepared to stop travelling, to stay home almost all the time because you can’t leave them with very many people due to the high care needs, to have to put them into a long term care facility if you cannot manage their care at home?  Are you prepared for them to not recognize you or call you wife #1’s name? For them to become physically agressive or verbally berate you?  For them to not sleep because they’ve lost sense of what time of day it is?<br /><br />Yes becoming a widdow young isn’t great, but being a caregiver to a physically or cognitively disabled adult is in someways worse.

Obviously these are things that can happen to all of us, but realistically it will be much more likely for you to be marrying someone who is just years away from being a senior.

Post # 14
Member
5228 posts
Bee Keeper

bowsergirl:  We have had a lot of theads about May/December relationships latey, and it is always really interesting to me to hear the perspective of a child from one of these marriages. It has reinforced to me that my husband and I are right to not TTC(we both have kids from prior relationships fortunately). Sometimes I hear my clock ticking and have to talk myself down!

Post # 15
Member
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I couldn’t/wouldn’t do this, and I would advise a friend the same. Ultimately, you have to make the decision, but a 28 year age difference is nothing to sneeze at.

Leave a comment


Sent weekly. You may unsubscribe at any time.

Find Amazing Vendors