- 6 years ago
- Wedding: October 2012
Sorry so long…
My best friend of 8 years (let’s call her S) and I haven’t spoken in over a year because of a horrible fight when we were living together. And as the wedding is getting closer and closer, I realize more that my once best friend will not be there. For some background, we were the friends everyone thought of as inseparable. We got matching tattoos together and always knew what the other was thinking. But then it all fell apart when we started living together. She started seeing me as a “mom” or “landlord” type figure because I would collect the rent and utility checks from her to pay the rent and such and we just slowly drifted apart. Eventually, we had a huge blow out when she wouldn’t stand up for me when her friends broke something valuable of mine, but really this small issue was a symptom of something bigger. I was always there for her, through her bad relationships, her dropping out of school, her moving half way across the country twice for some guy, letting her say in my home when she didn’t have a job, but I did it because she was my friend and friends help each other. I always just assumed she would do the same for me if I ever needed it, but as a very strong willed and independent person I never asked for help or anything until this moment. I said some horrible things and so did she and I think we both realized we had become different people, but I never thought she would boycott my wedding. We even had a small fight just a little over a year ago because I told her if I got married my sister would be my maid of honor and she got upset that I wouldn’t pick her, so I really don’t understand how she can make that kind of decision over one fight.
When my fiancé proposed I was so excited. I had never even considered getting married before I met him. I had thought about a wedding in a purely imaginary way and thought S would be there at my side. So when he asked me my first thoughts were, “Yes!” And “I wonder if she will even come”. Since the engagement I have called her, sent her texts and emailed her to let her know what was going on and to offer an olive branch so we could let bygones be bygones, but I have received no reply, nothing. I was hoping to at least get something back saying, no, I am not coming, or maybe a congrats, but she is an avoidant type of person and so she would rather say nothing than possibly start something. But my imagination goes to dark places to why she doesn’t contact me, like now she hates me or is listening to my voicemail with her friends and laughing about my plea. Ridiculous I know, but you think the worst when you know nothing at all. It is even possible she deleted all of my messages before reading them also to avoid the situation.
I am so angry with her for being so selfish and angry with myself for continuing to care. I thought she would at least respect all our years of friendship enough to give me a reply and be the bigger person and come to my wedding, but I was being naïve. I know that I should just curse her name and forget we were ever friends, but I just feel like an idiot for thinking she would be there for me when I needed her. I am so disappointed in her and in myself, but mostly my pride is wounded for being so naïve and I feel like our whole friendship was an illusion and she just kept me around as someone to lean on.
Maybe I am a chump for being so forgiving, but if she called me before the wedding and apologized and wanted to come, I would forget everything that happened. I would want to be angry at her, but I would know having her there would mean more to me in the long run and I hate carrying anger around with me.
But unless she has a complete metamorphosis and changes per perspective, I am not counting on her being there and in the meantime I just have to try and put it out of my mind. I just hope my anger doesn’t ruin the happiness I should feel on my wedding day. I will pray it doesn’t.
Have you dealt with anything like this? Any advice to get past the negative thoughts? I have trouble being positive these days.