Getting more and more bitter about waiting……

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1259 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@Stranger516:  There is nothing you can do but sit tight and put a smile on.

You’re right, it is a vicious cycle in that your BF probably will not propose if you show how impatient and “angry” you are about it. So you have to push the bitter feelings aside and just be happy for your friend. Do not talk negatively about it in front of your bf. If you need to vent about it, do it here.

I understand you’re frustrated. Just hang tight. He will propose when he’s ready.

Post # 4
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

I understand why you’re feeling bitter, but I’d STRONGLY recommend living together for at least a few months before getting engaged anyway. 

Post # 5
Member
5207 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

@Stranger516:  What exactly is your rush? It’s actually a really good idea to live together first. When I first moved in with my husband (then boyfriend) we had been together for 10 years and even after that long it was a shell shocking experience. We fought almost every day. It really takes some time getting used to. I questioned whether it was worth staying together more than once. Only after living with each other for several months did we learn how to settle in and get used to one another’s quirks. 

Give it some time. You don’t need to race to the altar. 

Post # 7
Member
613 posts
Busy bee

@Stranger516:  Hang in there! I was with my FI for almost 8 years before he proposed im not assamed to say that I have had my fair share of melt downs. and were living together for 3years. I still want to kill him somtimes living with your SO is hard but worth it. Have you gotten into the Shut-it-up pack? It helped me!

Post # 8
Member
2891 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@Stranger516:  When I was in a similar situation, I read this incredible book, Choice Theory, which really helped. I’m not the author or anything 🙂 

It’s worth checking out from the library in case it helps. Good luck!

Post # 9
Member
1779 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 1997

@Stranger516:  you’re on “trial” 7 years later. He is still deciding whether he will keep you (permanently) or not. He makes the rules and you follow them or you remain single that is the message. You will hang in there as you have for the last 7! years and he knows it.  Hon, a man should want to marry you.

Wonder what your dad and mom say about all this…

Post # 10
Member
164 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

It’s perfectly fine to be bitter, that happens! But definitely try to keep your emotions in check. Listen; if there is a condition to him wanting to marry you, then you need to sit down and have a talk with him. Assuming you don’t change, or you do try but obviously we are all human and make mistakes, will he hold that against you? Call off the engagement, even marriage, later on? He needs to love you for you NOW. 

The flip side is, do you feel that your emotions are a un-called for sometimes? If you love him and want to be with him forever, do you want to really try and control your temper, knowing that it will affect the person you live with everyday? I think both of you have some soul searching to do, but once you get through this, then nothing can stand in your way and a proposal would be a natural progression. Good luck!

Post # 12
Member
8706 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I disagree with you being “on trial” seven years later. I wouldn’t want to marry someone who couldn’t control their emotions, regardless of how long we were together. He’s living with you now. Before, crazy emotions could be detached by simply leaving. It isn’t that easy now. You need to learn to control your emotions, and he needs to learn if he can deal with them.

You really need to learn to control yourself. It’s perfectly fine to be upset, and bitter, and sad, and whatever other emotion you want to feel, but there is a time, a place and a length to every emotion. It needs a valid reason. You need to handle it and control it like an adult.

Post # 13
Member
8035 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

@gemgirl6:  I agree!

 

I am really troubled by this part of your post @Stranger516:  

“We have to live together because I have to make sure you will be able to handle it.”

“My BF obviously made it a point that he has to see that I am mature enough and that I don’t get into these crazy emotional moods before we get engaged because he thinks we may not be able to live together if I keep getting pissed off, depressed, bitter etc”

So you moved in so he could decide about you? No one deserves to live on trial. Either he’s committed to making it work living together or hes not. These things dont just magically work out. Its not like some roll of the dice to see if youll work together or not. Its “lets figure this out together” not… “well see how it goes”

The latter attitude is VERY problematic. 

Post # 14
Member
633 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

@Stranger516:  I know how you feel. I had somewhat of an outburst of my own last night after learning 2 friends got engaged and I still feel like an ass about it because of how well my SO handled it. Waiting freaking sucks and comparing your relationships to others who are engaged adds fuel to the fire. I think the best thing you can do is sit down with your BF and have an honest conversation about what you both want out of the relationship and what exact “conditions” he’s looking for before he proposes. “Less” emotional outbursts can be interpreted differently by you and your SO. Yes, a man should want to marry you, but nobody’s perfect and relationships are made of compromises. You knowing exactly what he wants you to do in the relationship and him knowing how much you want to marry him for who he is, not just for how long you’ve been together, will help your relationship move forward. In my experience, after you lay everything out on the table and get on the same page with your BF it becomes much easier to control your emotions. Men don’t usually interpret passive-aggressive comments well and will likely chalk your emotions up to “pissed off” rather than “hurt”. A timeline talk would probably help your situation! Good luck!

Post # 15
Member
1779 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 1997

@Hyperventilate:  no question she’s “on trial” and he’s deciding whether or not he wants to marry her. He has said as much to her…

 I do agree that ones emotions (or at least ones actions) need to be controlled . OP has not been specific about what exactly she does that he is worried about.  If he expected her to show no emotion when her friend got engaged while she is still waiting for him 7 years later to want to marry her –then that is unrealistic on his part…Maybe he needs to learn how to handle others’ emotions..

Of course there are always 3 sides to every story (his, hers, and reality)

Post # 16
Member
8035 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

so he gives her terms and conditions and if she meets them she gets a ring? I just dont like the line of thinking, the dangling of the carrot as a reward for your good behavior. Either he loves you for who you are and he proposes, or he doesnt and you all move on. Not being youself shouldnt be a condition of a proposal.

Dont bend over backwards to please him so he’ll propose. He should love you for who you are.

Leave a comment


Sent weekly. You may unsubscribe at any time.

Find Amazing Vendors