Post # 1
A friend from college just committed suicide this weekend. To be honest, I hadn’t seen him since we got out of school several years ago, and we weren’t all that close while in school – he was one of our big group of friends, and I didn’t know him all that well. What I did know of him was that he was a happy, fun-loving guy.
I don’t know why, but his death has really affected me. Like I said, we hadn’t spoken in a long time, and we were never really close. But still I can’t stop thinking about it. Maybe it’s because I don’t know why he did it, or because I can’t reconcile the happy person that I remember with someone who would kill himself. He had family, lots of friends, a fiancee – lots of people who loved him and would have been willing to help him through any problems that he had. I can’t understand it. Everytime I think about it, though, I cry.
What do I do? I don’t feel like anyone I talk to understands this. It seems strange to people for me to be so upset by the death of a someone who I haven’t seen in years, and who by any definition would probably be called an acquaintance. It seems strange to me, too.
I just wish I understood why he did it, but I’ll probably never know why.
Post # 3
Awww (((hugs))) hon. I remember when a friend of mine’s father passed away, when I saw her I was reduced to a blubbering mess and she ended up consoling me! I didn’t even know her dad! I just was terrified at the idea that something could happen to my dad, and when I put myself in her shoes it scared the bejesus out of me. I just felt so awful for her and it was all too real I guess. I think it’s easy to project yourself into someone else’s situation and empathize with their friends a family. Give yourself a few days. Try to say goodbye to him the best you can. I think it’s great you remember him in such a positive light, hold on to that because I’m sure he’d be happy to know someone remembers him that way. If you feel after a while that you still can’t move through it, maybe make an appointment with a counsellor.
Post # 4
I am very sorry to hear about your friend. I wish I had advice for you. However, I can somehow relate to your situation and feelings. Three people I hung out with in HS committed suicide (very small high school…town of 2,000 people). One was my best friend for about 2 years (and we kind of dated during that time…complicated). When it happened we had not dated for like 5 years and not spoken for 1 but I took it very hard. It still affects me and I think about it. I still care for him and wonder if there could have been anything I could have done. He shot himself in the head infront of his girlfriend one night….totally creepy. I dont know how she is not mentally insane after going threw that. This is the crazy part…..the next guy she dated also committed suicide 3 years after her last boyfriend did. this poor girl. anyway that is the second person i knew. The other was more of an aquaintance.
You are right…you will never know why he did it and that really sucks. I can relate to how you are feeling and I am very sorry. But it will get better with time. Sorry I dont have any real advice ::( good luck to you
Post # 5
@Bubu82: oh, maybe going to his funeral to say goodbye would help. I still regret til this day for not going to any of my friends. I honestly, could not handle it. But I really wish I would have went….
Post # 6
The same thing happened to me. To make it worse, the family would not tell anyone what happened (as they have every right to that). They released that he had “fallen” off of a building. Some say it was suicide, some say it was homicide. All I know is that he was so passionate about everything in his life. He was a dancer, had recently come out as being gay and anything could have happened. For me, I still want closure and I don’t feel like I can have it until I know what happened. It’s been really hard to even THINK there’s a chance it was suicide.
I hope you’re able to have closure. Although time never completely heals anything, it will help 🙁 PM me if you need to talk. I’ve dealt with multiple losses due to suicide.
Post # 7
I am so sorry for your loss. My ex boyfriend committed suicide about a year and a half after I had finally broken things completely off with him. I knew he was troubled but had a very hard time dealing with how he could do that. The girl he had been dating after me had just recently given birth to their son and I felt so sorry for her as well. I can’t say I ever completely got over this, but I tell myself that he must have been in terrible pain if he saw ending his life as the only option. I can only hope and pray that he is in a better place now and that has helped me.
Post # 8
@firsttimemom: you are so right, not really knowing what happened makes it worse. It makes the whole thing so much harder to believe. But I agree that his family has every right to keep the situation as private as they want to…if it were me in their shoes, I’d probably do the same thing, especially if the reasons behind it were something that they feel he would not want people to know.
@bestbuddies:I’ve been thinking about the funeral. I have a really hard time with funerals, and since I hadn’t been in touch, I wonder if it would be odd to go. But on the other hand, it might provide some sense of closure.
@bakerella: You’re also right – I keep thinking about his family, but even more about his poor fiancee. I can’t imagine how horrible this must be for her. I’ve made my FI promise about five times since it happened that he would never do anything like that.
Thank you all for your support. This is the first place I’ve really felt comfortable talking about this in any depth. Everyone else I’ve talked to about it has kind of said, “Oh, that’s sad.” but then wanted to move on quickly.
Post # 9
I agree that you should try going to the funeral if you can. It’s kind of a way to say goodbye.
My uncle committed suicide several years ago. I still cry about it. I don’t know if it’s something you ever really get over. 🙁
Post # 10
I’m sorry for your loss hun 🙁 I lost a distant family member to suicide about a decade ago, and I had the same feelings as you. We weren’t incredibly close, but anytime you lose someone you know personally, it is bound to strike a deeper chord. I think part of what is difficult is not knowing what they were suffering from so badly that they chose to kill themselves rather than get help. I also felt anger (he left behind four young children). I think in a situation like this, you just need to accept the feelings that you have. It is okay to be sad, even if you didn’t have a close relationship.
It is always tragic (and scary, it hits close to home) to lose someone you know. We often think of tragedy in the third person, as something that doesn’t touch us, and when it does it can rouse a whole lot of feelings we didn’t know we had. Find a close friend you can talk to. I bet they will understand.
Post # 11
I find that the “best” way for me to look at iut is that depression can be like a cancer that can also be fatal, if not treated. It’s a real disorder, and men are so resistant to get themselves help. You’ll never know or understand the complicated weave of events that led him up to it all, and his family may not either. They are probably shocked too and really have no idea what to say to anyone.
If you can’t make it to the funeral, can you write one of those online messages to his family via the obituary website?
I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s so hard to lose someone young.
Post # 12
I am so sorry for your loss. My uncle, my mom’s youngest brother, committed suicide 7 years ago this year. It was the hardest thing my family has ever gone through and I still remember it all like it was yesterday. In the first months and year after his death, I felt the same things you are feeling. A lot of confusion, anger, frustration of not knowing. It was very heavy to go through all of that and I would cry a lot too. Actually my first two years of college I was really depressed because of it. Over the years, I have tried to figure out why something like this harder to comprehend. I think it’s because we understand physical health much more than mental health. When someone has a heart attack because their arteries were clogged, you can ask the doctor why and he can tell you a reason. But when someone takes their own life, there is no ready explanation for it. There is no cause and effect.
I think it’s also because the person you know could not have ever done this. I think it is this way a lot of times when someone commits suicide. It is always a person who on the outside, appears to have things mostly together.
You should think about going to a therapist to talk about this. I honestly wish I had done so when it first happened. They will be able to help you deal wtih these emotions and questions.
My thoughts and prayers go out to you and his family