Post # 1
My boyfriend of almost 9 years got drunk and kissed another girl in May. I can’t help but be extremely hurt still by all of this.
My anxiety over the cheating is stemming from my feelings of sorrow. I was hoping for him to express more remorse over this. As crappy as it may sound, I was hoping for “I’m sorry flowers” or something. But it seems that he doesn’t even want to disucss what lead him to kiss that other girl.
I thought marriage was in our future.
I really desire to have that affirmation of love from him, without it I feel lost. It hurts my feelings that he doesn’t express the same feelings towards me. I feel insecure that after all these years that he wouldn’t want to legally declare our union to at least a couple of people, and maybe a photographer. I don’t need the big production, but I do want to say those vows to each other. Make the promises that we will be there for each other for life. We will be best friends, won’t let anyone get between us.
I really am starting to feel like I in this long-term audition to be his wife and it sucks. I don’t know how to get past all of these bad feelings.
Post # 3
I think that you should more so consider getting over your SO, as in taking a break and reevaluating the relationship! You really can’t do much with someone who doesn’t want to communicate honestly with you you…it won’t work well for a lifetime of marriage!
I’m sorry you are going through this, my thoughts are with you!
Post # 4
Why should you audition for anything? This is not a theater performance or a job interview. This is your marriage.
He doesn’t want to talk about it because he doesn’t want your wrath. If he cant show remorse, then I am not sure why you would even want to put the effort in. Really, this isn’t about your wedding. This is about his complete lack of respect for your wants and emotions.
Post # 5
How do you take a break if you live together? That’s where I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place. Plus my birthday is next Wednesday, and I really want him to make things up to me, but I’m not holding my breath.
Post # 6
Do you have a friend or family member you can go to?
I know its easier to hope you can just kiss and make up, but this is a really big issue that you shouldn’t let a nice birthday smooth everything over. Any way you guys could do couples counseling if you really want to stick it out?
Post # 7
@Eva Peron: I want to stick this out, I feel that there were many factors leading him to do this that we should talk about in therapy. There’s a lot of good stuff in our relationship and I believe it’s woth saving. I’m just not sure how to proceed with this, I’ve never been in a position like this before and I don’t want to run away from the issues, but he needs to talk to me.
Post # 8
Well ,it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and are being very reasonable. Only you know your relationship best! I guess my advice would be to really sit down and have that ugly talk about your feelings, and about how you would like to talk about them not only with him but including a 3rd party at some time.
Post # 9
You say you need him to talk to you? Tell him you’re moving out because you want to reevaluate why you’re staying with a man who is unfaithful and unremorseful. Then see if he doesn’t start yapping.
Also, why are you in this for 9 years? That is way too long to wait for a man to propose. I think you have to dump him to shake him up. Right now he is holding all the cards. You need to snatch some of the power back.
Post # 10
@mimi123: I usually don’t like power talk when it comes to relationship but I think in this case it definitely applies.
OP, how old are you? I say this because I started dating someone at 17 and we broke up almost 6 years later. The entire time he promised me marriage and in the end we broke it off (which I am so grateful for, we were so wrong for each other).
I say this because it’s easy to come up with all the good reasons in a relationship when you have been in one for so long. No one wants to admit that it should end and it’s hard, the familiarity is difficult to give up.
I’m not trying to convince you to end it with him, but give yourself a bit more respect. If in 9 years he is unable to commit to you and also disrespects you this way then maybe it’s time to re-evaluate.
I will also add that a friend of mine ended her relationship this way. She was too much of a coward to speak with her boyfriend and end the relationship so she just cheated on him so that he would break up with her.
Post # 11
@Ms. Martian: I agree–I also don’t usually like power talk, but sometimes when things become so unbalanced you need to do it for your own self-preservation.
Post # 12
I’m sorry, but you wonder why your friend doesn’t think that this is a good relationship? Because it’s not. It’s been 9 years, he hasn’t proposed, he kissed someone else, and your best friend thinks he’s scum. It seems like he’s getting a lot of free passes from you. You teach people how to treat you, and he’s figured out that he can treat you like a door mat. You said “It hurts my feelings that he doesn’t express the same feelings towards me”…have you ever seen the movie “He’s just not that into you”? I’m not saying that he doesn’t have love for you, but he clearly has fallen into a comfort zone with you and has stopped trying to work on the relationship. I know I don’t know you, your SO, or your relationship so I might be totally off here, but the things you posted sound like you need to make some changes to your life. I agree that you need to shake things up in your relationship. Break up with him. Maybe it’ll make him move to action OR maybe he’ll decide he’s okay with not being together…and if that’s the case, and he doesn’t fight for you, he’s not the right person.
Post # 14
If I were you I would lay it all on the line and tell him that what he did was a) completely unnaceptable and b) not doing anything to repair the damage he caused is even worse. You deserve better than that. Make it clear that unless he goes to counseling with you and makes some real attempts to solidify your relationship your walking at the end of the lease. Sure it will be a difficult couple of months, but it would be difficult no matter what.
How long until your lease is up? What (if anything) has he done to try and make it up to you?
Post # 15
@Ms. Martian: I’m not trying to convince you to end it with him, but give yourself a bit more respect. If in 9 years he is unable to commit to you and also disrespects you this way then maybe it’s time to re-evaluate.
Agreed. He makes you wait for nine years for ostensibly no good reason, then salts the wound by kissing another girl!? That’s unacceptable. Why are you putting up with this!?
Post # 16
He should be begging for your forgiveness. To me, the fact that he doesn’t feel he needs to says that he’s not afraid of losing you.
Make him afraid to lose you.