Getting over your fiance's past

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
1021 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@clarej:  You just need to not think about it.  Try really hard and in time it will be easier. 

Post # 4
132 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

Your guy has had sex with lots of women, but he’s chosen you to share his life. That says a lot about how he feels about you. Sex is one part of a relationship, but there are so many more parts, and he wants to share them all with you. You are the one who is special to him. Try to let go of what he has done in the past, and just enjoy all the special things of what you two have together, that neither of you has ever had before.

Yes, he’s sowed his wild oats. But, even now, it’s much more acceptable for a man to do that than a woman. A man has sex with lots of women and he’s considered a stud. A woman has sex with lots of men and she’s considered a slut.

Post # 5
124 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

This was me not that long ago. I have been with more men than my husband has women, but his past bothered me so bad. My past bugs me too, but it is what it is. It killed me to think of my husband being with any woman that isn’t me. It kills me to think about the fact that I was with any other men than the man  I’m married to now (with the exception of my ex husband- we have two kids together). It isn’t easy to deal with, but it gets better with time. My husband chose ME, not the other girls. I chose HIM, not the other men. And I whole heartedly believe him when he says it is better with me than it has been with anyone else  Wink

Post # 6
2535 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

i’ve only slept with two guys … Actually one was AFTER DH  ( but I didn’t cheat – thats a whole nother story)


but DH has slept with a few more gals… It was werid at first but you get over it.

A week before our wedding we had this huge .”Spill ” session and I found out some things and he found out some thigns…

It FELT SO GOOD! and we love eachother even more for it!

Post # 7
2992 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Thank goodness my FH does not have that problem. I am WAY more experienced than him. Lets just say I had a wild young adulthood and I can guarantee you that I have your fiances numbers beat. Easily. I haven’t even asked FH how many sexual partners he had before me and he has never asked me for an exact number either, It is not important to either of us.

He is the same guy you fell in love with. Unless he has given you some reason not to trust him, please cut him a break. Frankly the problem is your insecurity, not his past, and like other PPs have said, he chose YOU. Don’t let this hang-up mess up a good relationship. If you cannot get past this on your own, then please get some counseling.

Post # 8
451 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

1 stop talking about your past experiences going forward. They are you past and unimportant to your future. 

2 stop thinking about his pasT.  Just stop. If it creeps into your mind remind yourself that he has chosen YOU not any of the ones that came before you because YOU matter to him, he loves YOU.  they do not matter.

3 build upon your memories, sexual and otherwise as a couple.  Put yourself in his mind so you know when he thinks about love and sex, he us thinking about you.  There are ways to link memories to music, scents, places and colors. My FI cant look at a certain nail polish color I have without getting turned on and totally distracted thanks to one very fun and passionate night.  

And the do #2 about 10 more times. You will slowly change your way of thinking and time and shared experiences will help build your security just as no longer talking about or thinking about the past will push that past further and further away and diminish your insecurities. 

Post # 9
650 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Honestly, though I have “seen the world” before FI, it still was very VERY disturbing to find out his number. I asked. It’s my fault for asking, but it was WAAAY more than I was comfortable with. 

Truly, i advise to just move on from what you know. You chose him because you love him, and he chose you for the same reason. You both won. 

I advise getting a new mattress, if his isn’t new. It made a big difference to me, psychologically, to know that we are the only two bodies that have slept (or more) in his bed. 

Post # 10
1981 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

@clarej:  FI’s number is actually lower than mine (neither of us were very wild) but he had cohabitated with one of his ex’s. I won’t live with a man until I live with him and he’s already done all of that with someone else. At first, it was a little hard to come to terms with. At first I thought it would help if we were open and I knew EVERYTHING- but the more I found out, the more I realized I didn’t want to know. Dwelling on the past is no way to build a future. You can’t change it, so let it go. I find not talking about it helpful. If he did have a crazy sexual past, having him tested would be a good thing to do. Also, as PP said, a new mattress might help too. 

Post # 11
830 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@clarej:  Sure, there will be things he has seen and experienced that he may or may not share with you. His past will always remain, as will yours and everyone else’s and is something that can never be changed, but remember – He is with you and only you, and he loves you for a reason. You give him something that no one else can – and whether you know what this is or not, just focus on that fact, and look towards the future you will share together.

If he wanted to go and have crazy one night stands with random people, if that’s the life he wanted to live, he would, but he isn’t. It’s up to you to make his decision worthwhile! 🙂

Post # 13
1255 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2009 - Mountain Meadow/Mansion

Long story, but I met my guy through a friend I had dated a few months with (and had relations with) and remained friends with after. He married a woman who can’t let it go that he’s had a past. She banned him from talking to any female friends, has engaged in some other strange behaviors and sent a holiday card to us this year in DHs name only. Her DH admitted to my DH that is can be a lot to handle at times. Don’t be that girl. Let it go. The only person your thinking is damaging is yourself and your ability to have a healthy relationship with your guy. Seriously. If you can’t let this go, it has the potential to rob you of the ability to appreciate what you have.


As for me, I’ve been with 3 people (including DH) and don’t mind that he’s been with more. We had lives before we started dating and those relationships helped make us into the people we are today. In a way, I’m thankful for the women who came before.


Post # 14
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@clarej:  Hi

First off hugs… second I know how you feel… I don’t believe in sex before marriage (seriously no  judging here – that is my belief and I stuck to it – I do not expect everyone to share that belief) so you can imagine my heartache when I learnt that my now dh had slept with his exs… To be fair he was upfront about it from day one as was I about my beliefs. However, it didn’t stop it from bugging me… I felt hurt in a way that I had managed to commit to sleeping with only my husband and he hadn’t but within a few months of us dating that had all faded.. A. I realised I was being ridiculous – he didn’t have to share my beliefs he just had to respect them which he did and B. in the end I knew he wanted to be with me and not them… he made that choice and in our case it meant no sex for like 3 years for him and he sucked it up and was fine with that because he wanted to be with me.

Give it time, it will fade… Next month you’ll think about it a bit less and then less and less until it no longer enters your mind…

Post # 15
535 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Agree with others, you need to simply stop thinking about it. Your partner’s past is not any of your business.

He loves you (although, so what if he had been in love with someone before? How could this possibly matter??), and wants to spend his life with you. My advice is to be very careful, because I’ve seen plenty of girls ruin their otherwise great relationships by being irrationally insecure and jealous about their SO’s past.

Let it go, OP, and congrats on your engagement.

Post # 16
1745 posts
Bumble bee

I think it’s one of those things that will always illicit an “Ew” reaction that’s somewhat uncomfortable. For me that’s the case with someone who has had a lot of people or even just a couple.


As time goes on and the past is farther and farther away it really does matter less, until it’s distant and not-relevant enough that it really doesn’t matter at all.

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