Post # 1
So I’ve posted bits and pieces of this before, but I need some fresh advice…
Boyfriend or Best Friend and I have been dating over a year and a half, known each other over 8 years, but we met over the summer and did not live in the same town growing up (so my parents did not meet him until recently). Boyfriend or Best Friend came home with me for Thanksgiving and I guess gave my parents a bad impression. Among the things they told me was that he seemed immature, he couldn’t hold a conversation, and he was juat somewhat annoying and hard to be aroud. Boyfriend or Best Friend is incredibly shy and was SO nervous that weekend that he was doing some stupid things he usually doesn’t do…like interrupting to make sure he talked (because my mom had met him previously and had commented on how he didn’t talk very much).
Boyfriend or Best Friend and I moved in together this summer…this is a temporary move in as I moved elsewhere for an internship and this elsewhere is where Boyfriend or Best Friend and I both want to end up eventually. Boyfriend or Best Friend finished his degree in May and so is unemployed and looking for work while I intern. I pay for the rent and we split everything else (but of course the rent is the majority of the budget each month, but I have an income and would be paying this if Boyfriend or Best Friend were here or not so it doesn’t bother me). Parents were not happy about this and tried to convince me it was a bad idea, but Boyfriend or Best Friend and I made the decision together and my parents were not going to change that. They thought I was becoming is “sugar mama” and that he was mooching off me blah blah blah.
So long story short, parents do not like Boyfriend or Best Friend and Boyfriend or Best Friend is mad at the ill things they said about him. And….
My parents are coming to visit next week. My dad has already indicated Boyfriend or Best Friend is not invited when we go out to dinner which I find completely reprehensible. Boyfriend or Best Friend does not yet have a job (its a really hard market for what he does even if he’s in the best geographic area for it) and so its not like we can prove them wrong right now. I’m just so stressed about this.
Boyfriend or Best Friend and I are not going to get engaged for a looong time but its definitely on the table of possibilities and it will KILL me if my mom doesn’t support this relationship then. My mom and I have already talked about wedding planning (when my brother got married) and if I end up having to plan my wedding to Boyfriend or Best Friend without her it will crush me.
So Bees, what advice do you have?
Post # 3
I think you need to tell your parents that it is completely rude of them not to invite him when you go out. It really sounds like they just got a bad first impression of him and the only thing that can change that is time. But with their negative attitudes, it’s hard to have time to do that. Hopefully they will turn around as they spend more time with him and once he gets a job. It’s so tough out there right now.
Post # 4
First, I would stop discussing your financial decisions with your parents. It is none of their business who is paying for what in your relationship. If they ask, change the subject. If they push you, say something like “don’t you know it’s rude to count other people’s money” and change the subject.
Tell your parents that you and your Boyfriend or Best Friend are hurt over their comments (again, I don’t know why you told your Boyfriend or Best Friend what they said – what did that achieve?) If it was his shyness then they need to give him more chances to get to know them and relax more, so he needs to be invited to dinner. If he’s not invited, you are within your rights to decline the invitation as well. If you both go, maybe tell your parents that he is very stressed about the job search and it would be good if they could avoid that subject, since there are so many other things to talk about.
Good luck! It’s so important for your family and SO to get along in terms of your sanity, so I hope you can find a way to reduce the stress!
Post # 5
Unfortunately, I also learned a long time ago that keeping my parents fully aware of my financial and other situations was NOT the best plan of action for our relationship. I keep them informed on a “need to know” basis, but on the big stuff, especially the stuff that I know they’ll have a BIG opinion about, I keep them in the dark. At this piont though, that seems not feasible with your relationship…might be a suggestion for the future though?
For right now, I would definitely stand up to your parents on your BF’s behalf. There are lots of posts on here about the SO/FI/Husband standing up for the wife to the in-laws, but I think it is even more important for the wife to reciprocate that behavior. It sounds like he is pretty uncomfortable and nervous around your family, and you need to make sure your family treats him with some respect. If he isn’t invited to dinner, you shouldn’t go either. You guys are a package deal, and little actions like that will help your parents see how committed you guys are to each other. If you go without him, they’ll see it as a small success and a sign of your weakened relationship.
Post # 6
I wouldnt go with out your Boyfriend or Best Friend. They need to get to know him, I dont understand why they have such a bad impression in such a short period… Has anything else happened? Do they normally not agree with your boyfriends?
Post # 7
like interrupting to make sure he talked (because my mom had met him previously and had commented on how he didn’t talk very much).
It’s like he can’t win 🙁 Mother-In-Law is the same way “She never talks” well if you would stop talking for a minute maybe someone else could!
Yes, need to know basis. You are grown up now, you don’t have to spill details about your day anymore. Keep it to the weather, the soccer games, etc. Low drama areas.
If I were you I would tell your dad that you won’t be joining them for dinner (and follow through- that’s 95% of it), preferably ahead of time, unless you want to put your dad on the spot. Nip this in the bud now and you will be way ahead of the game!