Hello, hive! I have been thinking about writing this post for the last week or so, but it has taken a little bit of gusto since this is not entirely easy to express. I hope you can lend me your honest feedback and words of wisdom.
Basically, I am starting to get really scared about the impending marriage. FI is a great guy, and I have always liked the fact that we have differing opinions and backgrounds, but recently I have started to really worry that our differences in religion and politics might lead to larger problems later. The other night we got into a pretty heated discussion about politics which lead to a heated discussion about abortion, and although I realize that these differences of opinion are what can keep things interesting in a relationship, I wonder if it will ever stop becoming interesting and just become a problem.
He is fairly religious, and I am not (although I feel that I have faith, I just don't practice an organized religion or see the need to).... we have discussed how we'll raise our children, and it was decided that he can take them to church but they will be raised to understand that they may make their own decision about religion when they are old enough to understand. They will be taught that Mommy is not a bad person for not going to church, and why she feels the way she does, just as they will be taught why Daddy does go to church and how it relates to how he was raised. Still, though, I get nervous that my children will be raised to believe something that I do not believe, but I don't know another way to reach a happy medium.
Also, I am scared that I don't see in us the passion that a lot of couples our age have. Sometimes I think that maybe it's that I'm on the pill which messes with my hormones; sometimes I think we're both just overworked and tired which leads to us sometimes forgetting to kiss each other hello after a long day at work and having to (most of the time) schedule time to be intimate; but other times I get scared that we don't have the spark we're supposed to have. If we're not even married yet, will it get worse? Are we just so consumed by planning a wedding and dealing with all of our other responsibilities that this is normal? Does anyone really "feel" passion for their SO, or is it more of a state of mind?
I know I'm rambling. FI and I have been together for 4 years (1+ of which we've lived together) and I know that I'm probably blowing things out of proportion because I'm scared. We make each other laugh and understand each other; we get along with each other's families and support each other when one of us is having a rough time with something. Maybe it's that I just watched "Serendipity" and I'm in a movie-enhanced fog I'm just scared that even though we may work well together, that maybe it's not enough to form a happy marriage. Has anyone else felt this way? Does anyone truly think I should think through this a bit more, or is this just normal cold feet? Am I bringing this upon myself by reading into things too much? I just constantly feel this nagging feeling and I don't know if it will go away.
Also.... for the sake of being completely honest, there is one more thing. An ex that I have remained friends with recently got married. We couldn't make it to the wedding, but I found myself feeling really sad when looking at the wedding photos. He is someone that I dated for an incredibly brief period of time (calling him an "ex" is even a stretch -- we only dated for a few weeks), but I felt very strongly for him then and I still feel a connection with him. It is something I have never really been able to explain, but I don't know how to make it go away, either. I feel like this has made some of my concerns about my own relationship come to the forefront. Anyone else ever felt this way??
Oh yes. I totally hear you. I wouldn't give too much thought to your sentimental feelings towards your ex--you are under quite a lot of stress with the upcoming wedding (even though you already live together, getting married is a huge commitment!). I too sometimes have soft feelings when I hear about former love interests moving on with their lives. After all, we all think about "what could have been," right?
Still, you're engaged now to a man that you've devoted four years of your life to. That has to mean something. Look back on what fueled your decisions to get together, to move in together, and to get married. Of course you're overwhelmed with the wedding stuff--it's nothing to be ashamed of, and you shouldn't hold back from talking about it with your fiance and those who are close to you and know where you're coming from.
If you think the Pill is ruining your sex life, then I would discuss it with your doctor--or seek a new doctor/birth control method. Having experienced a pushy OBGYN myself, and hearing the incessant buzz about how "easy" and "perfect" the Pill is...and experiencing something totally different...you might want to consider other options. There are a number of pills out there, too. No need to suffer unnecessarily!
And lastly, religion is definitely a deal breaker or maker. If you are able to have heated discussions without it causing a rift in your relationship, then it sounds like a healthy relationship to me. Nobody like couples who think As One. You are both individuals, and have your own views. If you can discuss your differences and respect each other's choices and ideas, then that sounds fantastic! However, if you feel like he's over-powering you, even inadvertently (like you find youself giving in because you wonder if you don't feel as strongly about it as he does), then you should also talk about it with him. Personally, I wouldn't want to be married to a man who felt he had to rationalize his wife's religious beliefs and eternal fate to their children.
1st I should say that we (the beehive) are not you, so unfortunately while we may be able to help with some perspective, we can't give you the answer. I say that because it is important that you don't allow what the multitudes of opinions on this are to ultimately confuse you even further.
With that said, Mr Corn is not religious and I am. When we first started dating, it was a huge issue for some of my friends. Thankfully, my sister is a minister and she was able to give me some perspective. The important thing is that you don't have to agree on everything, but you should respect what the other person believes. If your fiance doesn't respect your right to your own beliefs, than there is a problem. But if he does respect you, and you him, than that is healthy.
At our wedding, my sister spoke of passionate love and everyday love. She said 'Miss Corn and Mr Corn chose [the previous verses] and I am so glad they did. One speaks of the fiery, passionate love that gets relationships started and the othe rspeaks of true, every day actions that keep love and relationships going. They go well at a wedding because passionate love is what gets us into these things; daily love is what helps keep us in them'
It may be the pill that is affecting your passion, or it could be a variety of other things that really aren't anything to worry about. We all transition from passionate love to everyday love, and back and forth throughout the course of our married lives. You are not alone in thinking this and it is ok to be scared. If you weren't, than THAT would be an issue.
First of all I totally agree with what Corn said about the "multitudes of opinions". I had a pretty confused dating and engagement with my now-husband because I listened to what anybody told me and solicited too many opinions. NO ONE can tell you whether you should marry this guy or not. You must search deep within yourself- your gut, your heart, your spirit- and come to a conclusion on your own. Maybe sounds cheesy but I believe it to be absolutely true.
But I'm sure you just want to know if what you're going through is normal. I love it that you're thinking about things and not burying your head in the sand amidst the whirlwind of wedding planning. Some things to think about:
-I absolutely disagree with Raselshoe that "Nobody like couples who think As One." What?! Says who? In marriage you become one. Distinct and unique and independent, but one. I like to think "as one" with my husband. It's secure and simple and natural. What's not to like about that?
-Did you ever have "passion" with your FI, like at the beginning of your relationship? Does he have passion for you? He can't blame anything on the Pill.
-I tend to think it's probably normal to have feelings about your ex like that. The truth of the matter is that he's married and completely off limits, so with a little time your feelings will probably fade. Old crushes die hard, don't they?
I commend you for your openness. I wonder how many people are going through the same thing you are. Search your soul and I'm sure things will become clear to you.
Oh my gosh!! I am SOOOOOO glad and thankful that you decided to share this post with us loyal bee readers. I feel EXACTLY the same way as you do and I think I completely understand to a tee what you are going through.
Here's my $.02 (mind you - if I'm having the same concrns my opnions might not be the most helpful, but maybe it'll help you to know that you're not alone). I've been with FI for a long time, too, and every once in a while throughout our relationship I would get cold feet (even before we were engaged) and I'd freak out and we would break up. I'd want to know "what else is out there" and it always took me no time at all to realize I already had the best that was out there. Luckily, FI always took me back and we always worked it out and the last time it happened (i'm too embarassed to even say how recent) I finally knew it would be the last. I know now that I just had to go through all of that to convince me I love what I've got - but maybe you can use my experience without ever having to go through it. The grass is NOT greener!
No we don't have the same opinions on everything and we are by NO means as googly-eyed about each other as we were the first year, but I just don't think that it's realistic to think we should be. At the end of the day I love coming home to my best friend and I love knowing that I will have him in my life and by my side forever (scary word!). Do you feel that way about your guy? I wonder sometimes if I'm supposed to feel that gushy movie-love thing that I assume all brides have but I have come to terms that it's just not who I am. I am in the school of thought that if you know that you love your FI and are happy at the thought of growing old with him that's really all that matters.
And about the passion thing (so embarassing to type) - I honestly think everyone is different. Most nights I come home exhausted and enjoy spending the time I have awake talking to FI about my day more than doing *anything else*. Instead of feeling bad about that or like a weirdo I just think it's a part of growing up. Priorities change and companionship is what keeps us together once all the other stuff isn't new anymore. And as for the "ex", I wouldn't worry about that AT all. I find that it's very easy to feel things for guys that are completely untouchable to you at this point. I think that part is just 100% human nature. We want what we can't have I am positive that if it really became an options you would get over it in an insant.
Sorry I was rambling, I just really want you to know that you are NOT the only bride to be that feels like you do. And again, I really really appreciate you sharing with us.
Just keep on truckin' and looking forward to the beautiful day you're workin' hard for!
nervousbride, it sounds like you could really benefit from premarital counseling. Difference in religion could really be a problem, and an experienced relationship counselor could probably help you two determine how serious it is.
I think a frank talk with FI (with and without a counselor) is the only way to really decide. Good luck!
I second the rec for premarital counseling. FI and I are planning on doing it specifically so we can discuss issues like religion in a structured setting. It sounds like you guys are already great at being open about these issues and discussing them, so maybe the input of an unbiased third party is just what you need to resolve things one way or another.
I, like tenfour, want you to know that you are not alone! I was very recently in a similar situation (note post entitled "cold feet.")
My fiance (husband as of last week) and I have also been together for around 4.5 years. We get along great and have excellent lines of communication, but we have very differing opinions about many things. Without getting into too much detail, I am generally much more open-minded, outgoing and receptive, while he is very much set in his ways (at the ripe old age of 23). This scared me tremendously, as I still have aspirations to see the world and gain life experiences. I was afraid that I was condemning myself to a lifetime of gardening in the backyard.
My first fault was to listen to everything people would tell me about my upcoming marriage. I would mention the slightest bit of nervousness, and people were all too quick to tell me their opinion (which in my case, perhaps because of my age, 21, was consistently negative towards the wedding) They told me about being too young, about not having enough experience, about examining my doubts, and even about post-poning or calling off the wedding. I took it all to heart and internalized it which just made my situation worse. I began to focus entirely on the negative aspects of our relationship and my anxiety about it painfully consumed me for several months.
What I failed to realize was... well, a couple of things. First of all, that finding someone that you can stand to be around for 4+ years is an amazing thing. You can't expect the passion to remain as fierce as it was when you first started dating. I think that regardless of who you are with it would calm down eventually. But looking at it differently, it is nice to know that you can coexist with someone for reasons beyond sexual desires. (work, planning a wedding, plus all of the added stress of cold feet certainly takes its toll on that aspect of a relationship, too!)
Secondly, no one is going to agree with you or your beliefs 100% of the time. Not only would it get boring, but you wouldn't grow as much as a person without someone else to keep you thinking.
Third, and perhaps most importantly, I have come to realize that (provided that you've lived with your SO) marriage really doesn't change anything. If you weren't going to be married, would your relationship continue to progress as normal? If yes, how would marriage really make that different? Yes, it is an official committment to that person, but if you've already been willing to make sacrifices for your SO, for the relationship, and you've already found comfort and solace with him, why would that change? Life is going to throw you curve balls - marriage doesn't prevent that. The question is whether you are prepared and willing to continue to face them with your FI.
I think that the stereotype of marriage makes us feel as though it is a larger step than it is. I don't mean to downplay the sanctity of the sacrament, but with people existing in long-term relationships before marriage these days, the marriage does act as a continuation of the relationship rather than the very first step, which, to me at least, is comforting to keep in mind.
We get caught up in the commercial aspect of the wedding industry and feel lousy about ourselves when we are nervous or doubtful, even though it's normal to question. Those feelings are perpetuated by the wedding industry that makes everything look glamorous and perfect all the time. When it's not that way in real life, we feel like something is terribly wrong.
The stereotype makes us girls feel like marriage is supposed to be the beginning of the real-life "happily ever after". This can be true, but only in realistic and practical terms. There will still be arguments and things to work through... and no one is perfect. We can always wonder if the grass would be greener on the other side, but it sounds like you have a solid communication base and a great deal of love and respect for each other. All things considered, you can't ask for much more than that. At our wedding, a family friend described marriage as the ability to agree to move on together. To a good extent that is probably true.. but isn't that how a relationship works anyway?
I'm by no means saying that you shouldn't consider the opinions of your friends, family, fellow weddingbee readers. These people care about you and are looking out for your best interests by sharing their experiences and words of wisdom. In my case, I just paid too much attention to the advice of others and not enough to myself.
These were simply my resolved thoughts from my similar situation (hopefully I made some sense heh). If you don't like what I said, ignore me! But perhaps something I spoke of will help you to assess your own situation. But (I know this isn't easy) you are ultimately the only one who can decide whether you are happy and whether this is right for you! Best of luck! (sorry for the ridiculously long post)
To be perfectly honest, you should truly reconsider marrying this man. It sounds as though you are very, very different in the most important of ways. I agree with the previous posters that premarital counseling (both separate and together) would probably help a lot.
my hubbs and i had a very passionate relationship before getting married. once the kids came, the "passion" faded, so don't worry about your "passionless" relationship now. it eventually happens. not to say that you love each other less, but that kind of passion that you think you're missing, is not an important criteria as to whether you should marry this guy.
what matters to me, now that i'm older and i'd like to think a lil bit wiser, is the character of my husband. my hubbs is handsome and has a lot of money - but who cares if you're frustrated with him everyday for the man he really is. if your guy has incredible character; if you respect him objectively and admire him for qualities you'd either like to see in yourself or value highly in yourself, then you are SET. that is all you need in your future husband.
as for differing beliefs - religion is BIG. especially if one is devoted. in the long-run, it matters. so yes, you should be concerned and you should go through some premarital counseling (GOOD, TOUGH counseling versus wishy-washy) and figure out just how much you guys can withstand this difference. luckily, my husband and i are both christians, and it has strengthened our relationship and helped us through many things because of our common vision and beliefs. your FI might need that in the future - his partner and love and best friend - to walk alongside him in his faith - and i can guarantee that there may be some sadness or frustration that he can't . not now, but defintely later.
as for the other guy, don't heed your feelings in that area. it really doesn't mean anything and if people are honest, many think of old loves all the time in moments of doubt or boredom or whatever. married women talk about this serious stupidity all the time. =) it's easy to glorify some guy into something more when you don't know what it's like living with him for the years you've been with your hubbs or FI.
anywho, best wishes on figuring this all out! my heart goes out to you! in the end, it comes down to your commitment to love. if you both have strong character and are committed people, it will work out fine.=)
I think differences in religion are a very big deal. This is not to say that people of differing faiths do not have successful marriages, because they do. But to be perfectly honest, the ones I have seen that have worked are the ones where one partner doesn't really care. That is, the difference is really that one has a strong faith, and the other doesn't, and so is willing to go along with their partner.
Your differences are interesting now, but if you are already having "heated discussions" about them, what will happen when you have children? The stakes are raised hugely when we're talking about what moral fiber you want your kids to have. It's all well and good to say that your kids will be taught to know that mommy doesn't go to church for a reason and that's a valid choice, but will you feel they are getting that message when they themselves are going to church, not by their choice? They get to choose when they're "old enough to understand", but until then (and when is that, exactly?), the default is that they go to church. Why isn't the default that they stay home until they choose to go?
I agree that premarital counseling is in order here, to figure out how much this matters to you. If you are indeed OK with your kids being raised in your husband's faith, then that's fine. But really consider how you will feel when they are "old enough to choose" and they choose the religion they've been raised with. And your fiance should consider whether it will really be OK with him if his kids decide they don't want to follow an organized religion. If you're not OK with it, if you're just smoothing it over for the sake of peace, then it's going to be a problem, because what we will let pass on our own behalf, we are far less likely to let go when our children are involved.
I don't think you should take the differences in religion lightly.
I would want to be with someone who had the same views on the meaning of life, our purpose here, who created us and why, how we were to live our life and where we were going when we died. I think these things are the most important, basic things at the core of life.
Like what nopinkertons said, there are successful inter-faith marriages, but I have seen through some of my childhood friends' parents' marriages that there can be a lot of sadness and frustration there too, and I know that they often felt pitted between their parents' expectations for them.
I agree with everyone who said to do some pre-marital counseling. We went through it, and even though we didn't have any issues to work through, the confirmation that you are doing the right thing is very helpful.
first off, thank you for sharing such personal thoughts/qualms with the weddingbee community. i am not yet engaged but it's good to know that feeling such uncertainty before the wedding is possible.
i'd like to echo everyone else who stressed the importance of religious differences-- you described your fiance as "fairly religious," and i'm not quite sure what you meant by that, but if he has set ideas/principles from his religion that guide his decisions and actions, and you happen not to share his faith in the particular religion, it could very well lead to a (big) problem. my parents for example went through a period of marital difficulty bc they didn't see eye-to-eye in the religious sense. but they're still happily married twenty years later. this is not to discourage you, but rather to encourage you to get pre-marital counseling with your fiance to hash out these issues before they pose any kind of problem in your relationship. good luck!
As far as religion goes, I think it is perfectly plausable to have a fulfilling relationship and raise children despite any differences. My mother is Jewish and my father is Catholic, though not religious. I was raised Jewish, though certainly not forced -- my parents wanted me to make decisions on my own. My devotion to Judiasm has significantly increased since leaving home. Growing up, I learned about all the Catholic holidays, attending church on occasion with my grandparents, and learned from my father why he chose to not attend church regularly. I never, ever thought less about him for not practicing his religion in the society-accepted way or thought he was a "bad" person. My parents will be celebrating their 35th anniversary the day after my own wedding, so they are certainly proof that couples with differing religions opinions can work!
As far as passion, I think it's important to consider what is normal for you. You can't compare yourself to what society thinks is normal or to the relationships of your friends. My fiance and I often seem to lack passion altogether, but it doesn't affect our love for each other. We both work long, 80+ hour weeks (he is in medical school, I am working towards a Ph.D. in oncology) and we go days without saying that we love each other or no more than a brief kiss on the cheek before we run out the door. I used to think it was a sign that there was a problem, especially when I would go out with other friends who were so touchy-feely with their SO's and were always holding hands, kissing, etc., but that's just not who I am. You have to compare yourself to your own baseline. What is normal for us probably seems cold and uncompassionate to others, so you can't compare yourself to anyone else. Needless to say, I don't think a lack of heated passion is a reason to worry, unless your relationship has taken a drastic turn from red hot to ice cold for no reason.
Thank you to all who responded for your thoughtful comments. I really do appreciate it, as it was especially difficult for me to express these fears and your comments reassure me that I am not the first bride to feel this way! Actually, just getting it out there made me feel a little better, because I have not been able to fully express my fears to anyone I am close to. There is so much pressure involved in planning a wedding and preparing for "forever" that I think some of us are ashamed to admit that we're a little scared behind all of the excitement.
The religious differences between my fiance and me have certainly been a concern, so I thank you all for sharing your input and own personal experiences. We have had many discussions about religion, why we have different beliefs, how we will raise our children, etc.; I think a lot of my concerns come from my own issues with religion in the past and not as much about my fiance's beliefs. (In short: I was raised Catholic early on, but my parents eventually drifted from our church because of some issues regarding things they were teaching me in CCD; from that point on, religion never really played an important role in my youth and I have never felt the need to identify myself with an organized religion, even after mildly exploring different religions in the more recent past.) FI respects that I may never follow his Christian faith, and I respect that going to church on Sunday is important to him. Sometimes I go with him because I am interested in learning more about his faith and supporting him, but since I don't have a labeled faith for him to learn about, I guess I sometimes feel that I am making more of a compromise than he is. I think, though, that this may be more of my own issue, and I need to feel more secure in why I do not identify with a particular religion.
Mrs. Corn -- thank you for sharing what your sister said at your wedding. It is true that there is a difference between passionate love and daily love, and I need to remember that. We do have our moments of passionate love, although lately the daily love has been more prominent in our relationship. I have to realize, though, that this is normal, as long as we continue to transition back and forth without completely losing touch with that passion. It might be of note that before meeting FI when I was 23, the longest relationship I had was 6 months, and it was in high school (I thought it was so serious at the time, but now I realize it was nothing compared to a real adult relationship!!). Because of this lack of seriousness before, transitioning to daily love has been such a new experience for me so I guess it's safe to say that sometimes I just worry that it's not happening in the "right" way (because I've never known any other way).
VideoBride -- I want to clarify that FI has never blamed any lack of passion on the Pill, nor has he even voiced that he feels our passion-level is inadequate. It is more me feeling a bit of insecurity in not always feeling passion on my end, and therefore never really being the one to initiate any intimacy.
Tenfour -- FI and I have never broken up and gotten back together in our 4 years together. I never wanted to or felt like we should, but maybe a little bit of what I'm feeling is that I never had the chance to explore what else is "out there" after meeting FI. I'm not saying I want to or should have, but I think it might just be that little bit of "what if" nagging at me before I make this huge commitment. Thank you for sharing your own experience and reminding me that the grass is NOT greener and that I'm actually quite lucky where I am :-)
Thank you for those of you who recommended premarital counseling. This is something that we will undergo with the pastor at FI's church (where we are getting married -- this is something that is important to him and we decided together to get married in the church), but it might also be important/advantageous to get counseling from an impartial third party who has experience in relationship counseling. We certainly have talked about these issues before, but I agree that it does help to discuss important issues in a structured setting with a third party who might have some interesting insight to add.
Mandymarie -- thank you for putting into words so eloquently so many of the things that I am feeling exactly! It is easy to get caught up in feeling like you're supposed to be beginning some magical "happily ever after," when in reality it might be a little less magical than we're lead to believe! This does not, however, need to mean that I am unhappy, and I think I am realizing that I truly am happy. I have always been a very emotional and worrisome person, and I think I have let some of the little everyday quirks and flaws in our relationship seem much more weighty than they really are (not to discount the issue of religion, which has obviously proven to be more weighty). I also very easily let the pressures of work and other responsibilities get to me, and I think I have to start allowing FI to rub off on me (he is as laid back as they come).
Nopinkertons -- thank you for bringing up your own concerns. I should clarify that our "heated discussions" are nowhere near as frequent as our good times and laughter, although they are certainly bringing up important issues that may very well escalate when we have children. I think your point about how we'll decide when our children are old enough to make their own choices and if they'll really be lead to feel that it is an option after going to church regularly with their father is an important one; this is most definitely something that we need to continue talking through. I will be supportive if my children continue to identify with their father's faith when they are older, as I have no real problems with his beliefs -- it is more that I do not feel a need within myself to identify with a particular faith, and I believe that it is enough to live my life as a good person with wholesome values who treats people with respect and compassion. FI and I will have to work together to make sure our children understand from the very beginning that religion is a choice and it should not be forced upon you. This is something I plan to discuss with him as we make our way towards marriage.
Julieulie -- It is nice to hear about your experiences as a child with parents from two different religions. It is great that your parents found a way to make it work for them, and obviously raised you extremely well to make your own decisions about religion as you got older. Thank you also for reminding me that there is no "normal" amount of passion in a relationship, and that passion does not need to equal love.
Thank you again for all of your thoughtful feedback. I am feeling a little more at ease about this huge commitment, although it is clear that I still need to work some things out, on my own and hand-in-hand with FI. I do love him and what he has brought to my life, and I need to learn to define the difference between the big issues and the "small stuff." Thank you all for your help and for taking the time to share your feelings with me.
This is definitely coming after the fact, but I thought I'd still give you my experience since yours hit so close to home for me. We're in the same boat as far as religion goes and still have a lot to discuss about how our children will be raised in that regard. The main thing I wanted to bring up though is about your concerns with the Pill.
I was on it for 5+ years and eventually realized it was affecting my emotions and didn't want to put artificial hormomes into my system. I also come from a fertile family and don't want to take any chances there! (My decision was also helped that I realized I know 4 women personally who got pregnant while on the pill!) So I got a copper IUD. To be honest, getting it is not fun and you definitely get bad cramps for the first five months or so. (I kept a bottle of Ibuprofen in my purse at all times and took it at the first sign of a cramp. Don't wait to see if it'll be a bad one!)
I wouldn't recommend it if you have a heavy flow or bad cramps naturally, but I didn't fit either of those criteria. It might be something to talk to your doc about at your next annual exam.
Good luck with everything!
P.S. I've had mine for 6 months now and everything is just about back to normal. My mom did just tell me about a woman she knows that got pregnant with an IUD, but I figure 1 is better than 4!
<span style="font-size: 7.5pt; font-family: Verdana">If you love him, truly deeply love him, and you know you are happy with him and there is only doubt in your head, go see a couple’s counselor. I love my FH very deeply, I want to grow old with him, have a family with him and share my life with him, yet he and I are very different. This has caused issues in the past, but it ultimately came down to communication, it seems to simple but its true. Communication is made up of so many factors; honesty, trust, love, understanding, patience... the list goes on. If you both don’t know how to communicate with out causing harm, then work on it. If the relationship isn’t worth it to you, then move on. Everything good and long lasting takes devotion and work. Before you can build a life together you need to build a foundation for yourselves. Invest in a couple’s counselor, it is worth it. Trust me. <span style="font-size: 7.5pt; font-family: Verdana">We had similar issues, now, it’s not a problem. I couldn't even imagine not having him next to me as I walk the path of life.<span style="font-size: 7.5pt; font-family: Verdana"> Follow your heart, and if you decide to stay together, invest in your relationship. Seeing a counselor doesn’t have to wait till you are having a rough patch. See one now and fix things before they become an issue.<span style="font-size: 7.5pt; font-family: Verdana">I hope everything works out for you and that ultimately you follow your heart. Best wishes!
This thread is getting long so I will be brief. A few years ago I was dating a man and on paper, everything was fine. It became serious despite the fact that internally, I really struggled with whether he was someone I'd want to be with forever, for reasons of religion and personality differences, as well as differing ideas about what we wanted out of life. When he started to talk marriage, my feet got so cold that I freaked out. We broke up and I went through a very emotionally tumultuous few years emotionally because of it. It was hard. My parents always told me that I'd know and not have big doubt about the person I would marry, but I didn't believe them. I thought I'd have that much doubt about any relationship and that I may have made a mistake breaking up with a perfectly decent person.
As it turned out, they were right. A couple years ago I met the man who was to become my fiance and while I have some of the nervousness that accompanies committing the rest of your life to someone, I don't have any major doubts or cold feet. Please examine your feelings closely, preferably with the help of a counselor. Better to make teh tough decisions before you tie the knot -- even if it's the decision that you really, truly want to be with this person. It will help you know that you really are, deep down, committed.
Hello, hive! I have been thinking about writing this post for the last week or so, but it has taken a little bit of gusto since this is not entirely easy to express. I hope you can lend me your honest feedback and words of wisdom.
Basically, I am starting to get really scared about the impending marriage. FI is a great guy, and I have always liked the fact that we have differing opinions and backgrounds, but recently I have started to really worry that our differences in religion and politics might lead to larger problems later. The other night we got into a pretty heated discussion about politics which lead to a heated discussion about abortion, and although I realize that these differences of opinion are what can keep things interesting in a relationship, I wonder if it will ever stop becoming interesting and just become a problem.
He is fairly religious, and I am not (although I feel that I have faith, I just don't practice an organized religion or see the need to).... we have discussed how we'll raise our children, and it was decided that he can take them to church but they will be raised to understand that they may make their own decision about religion when they are old enough to understand. They will be taught that Mommy is not a bad person for not going to church, and why she feels the way she does, just as they will be taught why Daddy does go to church and how it relates to how he was raised. Still, though, I get nervous that my children will be raised to believe something that I do not believe, but I don't know another way to reach a happy medium.
Also, I am scared that I don't see in us the passion that a lot of couples our age have. Sometimes I think that maybe it's that I'm on the pill which messes with my hormones; sometimes I think we're both just overworked and tired which leads to us sometimes forgetting to kiss each other hello after a long day at work and having to (most of the time) schedule time to be intimate; but other times I get scared that we don't have the spark we're supposed to have. If we're not even married yet, will it get worse? Are we just so consumed by planning a wedding and dealing with all of our other responsibilities that this is normal? Does anyone really "feel" passion for their SO, or is it more of a state of mind?
I know I'm rambling. FI and I have been together for 4 years (1+ of which we've lived together) and I know that I'm probably blowing things out of proportion because I'm scared. We make each other laugh and understand each other; we get along with each other's families and support each other when one of us is having a rough time with something. Maybe it's that I just watched "Serendipity" and I'm in a movie-enhanced fog
I'm just scared that even though we may work well together, that maybe it's not enough to form a happy marriage. Has anyone else felt this way? Does anyone truly think I should think through this a bit more, or is this just normal cold feet? Am I bringing this upon myself by reading into things too much? I just constantly feel this nagging feeling and I don't know if it will go away.
posted by nervousbride 3 posts 1 year agoAlso.... for the sake of being completely honest, there is one more thing. An ex that I have remained friends with recently got married. We couldn't make it to the wedding, but I found myself feeling really sad when looking at the wedding photos. He is someone that I dated for an incredibly brief period of time (calling him an "ex" is even a stretch -- we only dated for a few weeks), but I felt very strongly for him then and I still feel a connection with him. It is something I have never really been able to explain, but I don't know how to make it go away, either. I feel like this has made some of my concerns about my own relationship come to the forefront. Anyone else ever felt this way??
posted by nervousbride 3 posts 1 year agoOh yes. I totally hear you. I wouldn't give too much thought to your sentimental feelings towards your ex--you are under quite a lot of stress with the upcoming wedding (even though you already live together, getting married is a huge commitment!). I too sometimes have soft feelings when I hear about former love interests moving on with their lives. After all, we all think about "what could have been," right?
Still, you're engaged now to a man that you've devoted four years of your life to. That has to mean something. Look back on what fueled your decisions to get together, to move in together, and to get married. Of course you're overwhelmed with the wedding stuff--it's nothing to be ashamed of, and you shouldn't hold back from talking about it with your fiance and those who are close to you and know where you're coming from.
If you think the Pill is ruining your sex life, then I would discuss it with your doctor--or seek a new doctor/birth control method. Having experienced a pushy OBGYN myself, and hearing the incessant buzz about how "easy" and "perfect" the Pill is...and experiencing something totally different...you might want to consider other options. There are a number of pills out there, too. No need to suffer unnecessarily!
And lastly, religion is definitely a deal breaker or maker. If you are able to have heated discussions without it causing a rift in your relationship, then it sounds like a healthy relationship to me. Nobody like couples who think As One. You are both individuals, and have your own views. If you can discuss your differences and respect each other's choices and ideas, then that sounds fantastic! However, if you feel like he's over-powering you, even inadvertently (like you find youself giving in because you wonder if you don't feel as strongly about it as he does), then you should also talk about it with him. Personally, I wouldn't want to be married to a man who felt he had to rationalize his wife's religious beliefs and eternal fate to their children.
Good luck to you.
posted by Raselshoe 21 posts 1 year agoI read a post on aisledash.com the other day that had a good perspective regarding cold feet.
1st I should say that we (the beehive) are not you, so unfortunately while we may be able to help with some perspective, we can't give you the answer. I say that because it is important that you don't allow what the multitudes of opinions on this are to ultimately confuse you even further.
With that said, Mr Corn is not religious and I am. When we first started dating, it was a huge issue for some of my friends. Thankfully, my sister is a minister and she was able to give me some perspective. The important thing is that you don't have to agree on everything, but you should respect what the other person believes. If your fiance doesn't respect your right to your own beliefs, than there is a problem. But if he does respect you, and you him, than that is healthy.
At our wedding, my sister spoke of passionate love and everyday love. She said 'Miss Corn and Mr Corn chose [the previous verses] and I am so glad they did. One speaks of the fiery, passionate love that gets relationships started and the othe rspeaks of true, every day actions that keep love and relationships going. They go well at a wedding because passionate love is what gets us into these things; daily love is what helps keep us in them'
It may be the pill that is affecting your passion, or it could be a variety of other things that really aren't anything to worry about. We all transition from passionate love to everyday love, and back and forth throughout the course of our married lives. You are not alone in thinking this and it is ok to be scared. If you weren't, than THAT would be an issue.
posted by corn 152 posts 1 year agoFirst of all I totally agree with what Corn said about the "multitudes of opinions". I had a pretty confused dating and engagement with my now-husband because I listened to what anybody told me and solicited too many opinions. NO ONE can tell you whether you should marry this guy or not. You must search deep within yourself- your gut, your heart, your spirit- and come to a conclusion on your own. Maybe sounds cheesy but I believe it to be absolutely true.
But I'm sure you just want to know if what you're going through is normal. I love it that you're thinking about things and not burying your head in the sand amidst the whirlwind of wedding planning. Some things to think about:
-I absolutely disagree with Raselshoe that "Nobody like couples who think As One." What?! Says who? In marriage you become one. Distinct and unique and independent, but one. I like to think "as one" with my husband. It's secure and simple and natural. What's not to like about that?
-Did you ever have "passion" with your FI, like at the beginning of your relationship? Does he have passion for you? He can't blame anything on the Pill.
-I tend to think it's probably normal to have feelings about your ex like that. The truth of the matter is that he's married and completely off limits, so with a little time your feelings will probably fade. Old crushes die hard, don't they?
I commend you for your openness. I wonder how many people are going through the same thing you are. Search your soul and I'm sure things will become clear to you.
posted by VideoBride 19 posts 1 year agoOh my gosh!! I am SOOOOOO glad and thankful that you decided to share this post with us loyal bee readers. I feel EXACTLY the same way as you do and I think I completely understand to a tee what you are going through.
Here's my $.02 (mind you - if I'm having the same concrns my opnions might not be the most helpful, but maybe it'll help you to know that you're not alone). I've been with FI for a long time, too, and every once in a while throughout our relationship I would get cold feet (even before we were engaged) and I'd freak out and we would break up. I'd want to know "what else is out there" and it always took me no time at all to realize I already had the best that was out there. Luckily, FI always took me back and we always worked it out and the last time it happened (i'm too embarassed to even say how recent) I finally knew it would be the last. I know now that I just had to go through all of that to convince me I love what I've got - but maybe you can use my experience without ever having to go through it. The grass is NOT greener!
No we don't have the same opinions on everything and we are by NO means as googly-eyed about each other as we were the first year, but I just don't think that it's realistic to think we should be. At the end of the day I love coming home to my best friend and I love knowing that I will have him in my life and by my side forever (scary word!). Do you feel that way about your guy? I wonder sometimes if I'm supposed to feel that gushy movie-love thing that I assume all brides have but I have come to terms that it's just not who I am. I am in the school of thought that if you know that you love your FI and are happy at the thought of growing old with him that's really all that matters.
And about the passion thing (so embarassing to type) - I honestly think everyone is different. Most nights I come home exhausted and enjoy spending the time I have awake talking to FI about my day more than doing *anything else*. Instead of feeling bad about that or like a weirdo I just think it's a part of growing up. Priorities change and companionship is what keeps us together once all the other stuff isn't new anymore. And as for the "ex", I wouldn't worry about that AT all. I find that it's very easy to feel things for guys that are completely untouchable to you at this point. I think that part is just 100% human nature. We want what we can't have I am positive that if it really became an options you would get over it in an insant.
Sorry I was rambling, I just really want you to know that you are NOT the only bride to be that feels like you do. And again, I really really appreciate you sharing with us.
Just keep on truckin' and looking forward to the beautiful day you're workin' hard for!
posted by tenfour 10 posts 1 year agonervousbride, it sounds like you could really benefit from premarital counseling. Difference in religion could really be a problem, and an experienced relationship counselor could probably help you two determine how serious it is.
I think a frank talk with FI (with and without a counselor) is the only way to really decide. Good luck!
posted by MissBanana 84 posts 1 year agoI second the rec for premarital counseling. FI and I are planning on doing it specifically so we can discuss issues like religion in a structured setting. It sounds like you guys are already great at being open about these issues and discussing them, so maybe the input of an unbiased third party is just what you need to resolve things one way or another.
posted by amysue 640 posts 1 year agoHi nervousbride,
I, like tenfour, want you to know that you are not alone! I was very recently in a similar situation (note post entitled "cold feet.")
My fiance (husband as of last week) and I have also been together for around 4.5 years. We get along great and have excellent lines of communication, but we have very differing opinions about many things. Without getting into too much detail, I am generally much more open-minded, outgoing and receptive, while he is very much set in his ways (at the ripe old age of 23). This scared me tremendously, as I still have aspirations to see the world and gain life experiences. I was afraid that I was condemning myself to a lifetime of gardening in the backyard.
My first fault was to listen to everything people would tell me about my upcoming marriage. I would mention the slightest bit of nervousness, and people were all too quick to tell me their opinion (which in my case, perhaps because of my age, 21, was consistently negative towards the wedding) They told me about being too young, about not having enough experience, about examining my doubts, and even about post-poning or calling off the wedding. I took it all to heart and internalized it which just made my situation worse. I began to focus entirely on the negative aspects of our relationship and my anxiety about it painfully consumed me for several months.
What I failed to realize was... well, a couple of things. First of all, that finding someone that you can stand to be around for 4+ years is an amazing thing. You can't expect the passion to remain as fierce as it was when you first started dating. I think that regardless of who you are with it would calm down eventually. But looking at it differently, it is nice to know that you can coexist with someone for reasons beyond sexual desires. (work, planning a wedding, plus all of the added stress of cold feet certainly takes its toll on that aspect of a relationship, too!)
Secondly, no one is going to agree with you or your beliefs 100% of the time. Not only would it get boring, but you wouldn't grow as much as a person without someone else to keep you thinking.
Third, and perhaps most importantly, I have come to realize that (provided that you've lived with your SO) marriage really doesn't change anything. If you weren't going to be married, would your relationship continue to progress as normal? If yes, how would marriage really make that different? Yes, it is an official committment to that person, but if you've already been willing to make sacrifices for your SO, for the relationship, and you've already found comfort and solace with him, why would that change? Life is going to throw you curve balls - marriage doesn't prevent that. The question is whether you are prepared and willing to continue to face them with your FI.
I think that the stereotype of marriage makes us feel as though it is a larger step than it is. I don't mean to downplay the sanctity of the sacrament, but with people existing in long-term relationships before marriage these days, the marriage does act as a continuation of the relationship rather than the very first step, which, to me at least, is comforting to keep in mind.
We get caught up in the commercial aspect of the wedding industry and feel lousy about ourselves when we are nervous or doubtful, even though it's normal to question. Those feelings are perpetuated by the wedding industry that makes everything look glamorous and perfect all the time. When it's not that way in real life, we feel like something is terribly wrong.
The stereotype makes us girls feel like marriage is supposed to be the beginning of the real-life "happily ever after". This can be true, but only in realistic and practical terms. There will still be arguments and things to work through... and no one is perfect. We can always wonder if the grass would be greener on the other side, but it sounds like you have a solid communication base and a great deal of love and respect for each other. All things considered, you can't ask for much more than that. At our wedding, a family friend described marriage as the ability to agree to move on together. To a good extent that is probably true.. but isn't that how a relationship works anyway?
I'm by no means saying that you shouldn't consider the opinions of your friends, family, fellow weddingbee readers. These people care about you and are looking out for your best interests by sharing their experiences and words of wisdom. In my case, I just paid too much attention to the advice of others and not enough to myself.
These were simply my resolved thoughts from my similar situation (hopefully I made some sense heh). If you don't like what I said, ignore me! But perhaps something I spoke of will help you to assess your own situation. But (I know this isn't easy) you are ultimately the only one who can decide whether you are happy and whether this is right for you! Best of luck! (sorry for the ridiculously long post)
posted by mandymarie 19 posts 1 year agoTo be perfectly honest, you should truly reconsider marrying this man. It sounds as though you are very, very different in the most important of ways. I agree with the previous posters that premarital counseling (both separate and together) would probably help a lot.
posted by Megan 1 posts 1 year agoi've been married 4 years.
my hubbs and i had a very passionate relationship before getting married. once the kids came, the "passion" faded, so don't worry about your "passionless" relationship now. it eventually happens. not to say that you love each other less, but that kind of passion that you think you're missing, is not an important criteria as to whether you should marry this guy.
what matters to me, now that i'm older and i'd like to think a lil bit wiser, is the character of my husband. my hubbs is handsome and has a lot of money - but who cares if you're frustrated with him everyday for the man he really is. if your guy has incredible character; if you respect him objectively and admire him for qualities you'd either like to see in yourself or value highly in yourself, then you are SET. that is all you need in your future husband.
as for differing beliefs - religion is BIG. especially if one is devoted. in the long-run, it matters. so yes, you should be concerned and you should go through some premarital counseling (GOOD, TOUGH counseling versus wishy-washy) and figure out just how much you guys can withstand this difference. luckily, my husband and i are both christians, and it has strengthened our relationship and helped us through many things because of our common vision and beliefs. your FI might need that in the future - his partner and love and best friend - to walk alongside him in his faith - and i can guarantee that there may be some sadness or frustration that he can't . not now, but defintely later.
as for the other guy, don't heed your feelings in that area. it really doesn't mean anything and if people are honest, many think of old loves all the time in moments of doubt or boredom or whatever. married women talk about this serious stupidity all the time. =) it's easy to glorify some guy into something more when you don't know what it's like living with him for the years you've been with your hubbs or FI.
anywho, best wishes on figuring this all out! my heart goes out to you! in the end, it comes down to your commitment to love. if you both have strong character and are committed people, it will work out fine.=)
posted by charalali 9 posts 1 year agoI think differences in religion are a very big deal. This is not to say that people of differing faiths do not have successful marriages, because they do. But to be perfectly honest, the ones I have seen that have worked are the ones where one partner doesn't really care. That is, the difference is really that one has a strong faith, and the other doesn't, and so is willing to go along with their partner.
Your differences are interesting now, but if you are already having "heated discussions" about them, what will happen when you have children? The stakes are raised hugely when we're talking about what moral fiber you want your kids to have. It's all well and good to say that your kids will be taught to know that mommy doesn't go to church for a reason and that's a valid choice, but will you feel they are getting that message when they themselves are going to church, not by their choice? They get to choose when they're "old enough to understand", but until then (and when is that, exactly?), the default is that they go to church. Why isn't the default that they stay home until they choose to go?
I agree that premarital counseling is in order here, to figure out how much this matters to you. If you are indeed OK with your kids being raised in your husband's faith, then that's fine. But really consider how you will feel when they are "old enough to choose" and they choose the religion they've been raised with. And your fiance should consider whether it will really be OK with him if his kids decide they don't want to follow an organized religion. If you're not OK with it, if you're just smoothing it over for the sake of peace, then it's going to be a problem, because what we will let pass on our own behalf, we are far less likely to let go when our children are involved.
posted by Nopinkertons 75 posts 1 year agoI don't think you should take the differences in religion lightly.
I would want to be with someone who had the same views on the meaning of life, our purpose here, who created us and why, how we were to live our life and where we were going when we died. I think these things are the most important, basic things at the core of life.
Like what nopinkertons said, there are successful inter-faith marriages, but I have seen through some of my childhood friends' parents' marriages that there can be a lot of sadness and frustration there too, and I know that they often felt pitted between their parents' expectations for them.
I agree with everyone who said to do some pre-marital counseling. We went through it, and even though we didn't have any issues to work through, the confirmation that you are doing the right thing is very helpful.
posted by loveletter 44 posts 1 year agofirst off, thank you for sharing such personal thoughts/qualms with the weddingbee community. i am not yet engaged but it's good to know that feeling such uncertainty before the wedding is possible.
Hey Nervousbride-
As far as religion goes, I think it is perfectly plausable to have a fulfilling relationship and raise children despite any differences. My mother is Jewish and my father is Catholic, though not religious. I was raised Jewish, though certainly not forced -- my parents wanted me to make decisions on my own. My devotion to Judiasm has significantly increased since leaving home. Growing up, I learned about all the Catholic holidays, attending church on occasion with my grandparents, and learned from my father why he chose to not attend church regularly. I never, ever thought less about him for not practicing his religion in the society-accepted way or thought he was a "bad" person. My parents will be celebrating their 35th anniversary the day after my own wedding, so they are certainly proof that couples with differing religions opinions can work!
As far as passion, I think it's important to consider what is normal for you. You can't compare yourself to what society thinks is normal or to the relationships of your friends. My fiance and I often seem to lack passion altogether, but it doesn't affect our love for each other. We both work long, 80+ hour weeks (he is in medical school, I am working towards a Ph.D. in oncology) and we go days without saying that we love each other or no more than a brief kiss on the cheek before we run out the door. I used to think it was a sign that there was a problem, especially when I would go out with other friends who were so touchy-feely with their SO's and were always holding hands, kissing, etc., but that's just not who I am. You have to compare yourself to your own baseline. What is normal for us probably seems cold and uncompassionate to others, so you can't compare yourself to anyone else. Needless to say, I don't think a lack of heated passion is a reason to worry, unless your relationship has taken a drastic turn from red hot to ice cold for no reason.
posted by julieulie 35 posts 1 year agoThank you to all who responded for your thoughtful comments. I really do appreciate it, as it was especially difficult for me to express these fears and your comments reassure me that I am not the first bride to feel this way! Actually, just getting it out there made me feel a little better, because I have not been able to fully express my fears to anyone I am close to. There is so much pressure involved in planning a wedding and preparing for "forever" that I think some of us are ashamed to admit that we're a little scared behind all of the excitement.
The religious differences between my fiance and me have certainly been a concern, so I thank you all for sharing your input and own personal experiences. We have had many discussions about religion, why we have different beliefs, how we will raise our children, etc.; I think a lot of my concerns come from my own issues with religion in the past and not as much about my fiance's beliefs. (In short: I was raised Catholic early on, but my parents eventually drifted from our church because of some issues regarding things they were teaching me in CCD; from that point on, religion never really played an important role in my youth and I have never felt the need to identify myself with an organized religion, even after mildly exploring different religions in the more recent past.) FI respects that I may never follow his Christian faith, and I respect that going to church on Sunday is important to him. Sometimes I go with him because I am interested in learning more about his faith and supporting him, but since I don't have a labeled faith for him to learn about, I guess I sometimes feel that I am making more of a compromise than he is. I think, though, that this may be more of my own issue, and I need to feel more secure in why I do not identify with a particular religion.
Mrs. Corn -- thank you for sharing what your sister said at your wedding. It is true that there is a difference between passionate love and daily love, and I need to remember that. We do have our moments of passionate love, although lately the daily love has been more prominent in our relationship. I have to realize, though, that this is normal, as long as we continue to transition back and forth without completely losing touch with that passion. It might be of note that before meeting FI when I was 23, the longest relationship I had was 6 months, and it was in high school (I thought it was so serious at the time, but now I realize it was nothing compared to a real adult relationship!!). Because of this lack of seriousness before, transitioning to daily love has been such a new experience for me so I guess it's safe to say that sometimes I just worry that it's not happening in the "right" way (because I've never known any other way).
VideoBride -- I want to clarify that FI has never blamed any lack of passion on the Pill, nor has he even voiced that he feels our passion-level is inadequate. It is more me feeling a bit of insecurity in not always feeling passion on my end, and therefore never really being the one to initiate any intimacy.
Tenfour -- FI and I have never broken up and gotten back together in our 4 years together. I never wanted to or felt like we should, but maybe a little bit of what I'm feeling is that I never had the chance to explore what else is "out there" after meeting FI. I'm not saying I want to or should have, but I think it might just be that little bit of "what if" nagging at me before I make this huge commitment. Thank you for sharing your own experience and reminding me that the grass is NOT greener and that I'm actually quite lucky where I am :-)
Thank you for those of you who recommended premarital counseling. This is something that we will undergo with the pastor at FI's church (where we are getting married -- this is something that is important to him and we decided together to get married in the church), but it might also be important/advantageous to get counseling from an impartial third party who has experience in relationship counseling. We certainly have talked about these issues before, but I agree that it does help to discuss important issues in a structured setting with a third party who might have some interesting insight to add.
Mandymarie -- thank you for putting into words so eloquently so many of the things that I am feeling exactly! It is easy to get caught up in feeling like you're supposed to be beginning some magical "happily ever after," when in reality it might be a little less magical than we're lead to believe! This does not, however, need to mean that I am unhappy, and I think I am realizing that I truly am happy. I have always been a very emotional and worrisome person, and I think I have let some of the little everyday quirks and flaws in our relationship seem much more weighty than they really are (not to discount the issue of religion, which has obviously proven to be more weighty). I also very easily let the pressures of work and other responsibilities get to me, and I think I have to start allowing FI to rub off on me (he is as laid back as they come).
Nopinkertons -- thank you for bringing up your own concerns. I should clarify that our "heated discussions" are nowhere near as frequent as our good times and laughter, although they are certainly bringing up important issues that may very well escalate when we have children. I think your point about how we'll decide when our children are old enough to make their own choices and if they'll really be lead to feel that it is an option after going to church regularly with their father is an important one; this is most definitely something that we need to continue talking through. I will be supportive if my children continue to identify with their father's faith when they are older, as I have no real problems with his beliefs -- it is more that I do not feel a need within myself to identify with a particular faith, and I believe that it is enough to live my life as a good person with wholesome values who treats people with respect and compassion. FI and I will have to work together to make sure our children understand from the very beginning that religion is a choice and it should not be forced upon you. This is something I plan to discuss with him as we make our way towards marriage.
Julieulie -- It is nice to hear about your experiences as a child with parents from two different religions. It is great that your parents found a way to make it work for them, and obviously raised you extremely well to make your own decisions about religion as you got older. Thank you also for reminding me that there is no "normal" amount of passion in a relationship, and that passion does not need to equal love.
Thank you again for all of your thoughtful feedback. I am feeling a little more at ease about this huge commitment, although it is clear that I still need to work some things out, on my own and hand-in-hand with FI. I do love him and what he has brought to my life, and I need to learn to define the difference between the big issues and the "small stuff." Thank you all for your help and for taking the time to share your feelings with me.
posted by nervousbride 3 posts 1 year agoThis is definitely coming after the fact, but I thought I'd still give you my experience since yours hit so close to home for me. We're in the same boat as far as religion goes and still have a lot to discuss about how our children will be raised in that regard. The main thing I wanted to bring up though is about your concerns with the Pill.
I was on it for 5+ years and eventually realized it was affecting my emotions and didn't want to put artificial hormomes into my system. I also come from a fertile family and don't want to take any chances there! (My decision was also helped that I realized I know 4 women personally who got pregnant while on the pill!) So I got a copper IUD. To be honest, getting it is not fun and you definitely get bad cramps for the first five months or so. (I kept a bottle of Ibuprofen in my purse at all times and took it at the first sign of a cramp. Don't wait to see if it'll be a bad one!)
I wouldn't recommend it if you have a heavy flow or bad cramps naturally, but I didn't fit either of those criteria. It might be something to talk to your doc about at your next annual exam.
Good luck with everything!
P.S. I've had mine for 6 months now and everything is just about back to normal. My mom did just tell me about a woman she knows that got pregnant with an IUD, but I figure 1 is better than 4!
posted by caitlanc 41 posts 8 months ago<span style="font-size: 7.5pt; font-family: Verdana">If you love him, truly deeply love him, and you know you are happy with him and there is only doubt in your head, go see a couple’s counselor. I love my FH very deeply, I want to grow old with him, have a family with him and share my life with him, yet he and I are very different. This has caused issues in the past, but it ultimately came down to communication, it seems to simple but its true. Communication is made up of so many factors; honesty, trust, love, understanding, patience... the list goes on. If you both don’t know how to communicate with out causing harm, then work on it. If the relationship isn’t worth it to you, then move on. Everything good and long lasting takes devotion and work. Before you can build a life together you need to build a foundation for yourselves. Invest in a couple’s counselor, it is worth it. Trust me. <span style="font-size: 7.5pt; font-family: Verdana">We had similar issues, now, it’s not a problem. I couldn't even imagine not having him next to me as I walk the path of life.<span style="font-size: 7.5pt; font-family: Verdana"> Follow your heart, and if you decide to stay together, invest in your relationship. Seeing a counselor doesn’t have to wait till you are having a rough patch. See one now and fix things before they become an issue.<span style="font-size: 7.5pt; font-family: Verdana">I hope everything works out for you and that ultimately you follow your heart. Best wishes!
posted by jordanje 29 posts 8 months agoThis thread is getting long so I will be brief. A few years ago I was dating a man and on paper, everything was fine. It became serious despite the fact that internally, I really struggled with whether he was someone I'd want to be with forever, for reasons of religion and personality differences, as well as differing ideas about what we wanted out of life. When he started to talk marriage, my feet got so cold that I freaked out. We broke up and I went through a very emotionally tumultuous few years emotionally because of it. It was hard. My parents always told me that I'd know and not have big doubt about the person I would marry, but I didn't believe them. I thought I'd have that much doubt about any relationship and that I may have made a mistake breaking up with a perfectly decent person.
As it turned out, they were right. A couple years ago I met the man who was to become my fiance and while I have some of the nervousness that accompanies committing the rest of your life to someone, I don't have any major doubts or cold feet. Please examine your feelings closely, preferably with the help of a counselor. Better to make teh tough decisions before you tie the knot -- even if it's the decision that you really, truly want to be with this person. It will help you know that you really are, deep down, committed.
posted by erinNYC 14 posts 8 months ago