(Closed) getting scared

posted 10 years ago in Beehive
Post # 4
Member
22 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2008

Oh yes. I totally hear you. I wouldn’t give too much thought to your sentimental feelings towards your ex–you are under quite a lot of stress with the upcoming wedding (even though you already live together, getting married is a huge commitment!). I too sometimes have soft feelings when I hear about former love interests moving on with their lives. After all, we all think about "what could have been," right?

Still, you’re engaged now to a man that you’ve devoted four years of your life to. That has to mean something. Look back on what fueled your decisions to get together, to move in together, and to get married. Of course you’re overwhelmed with the wedding stuff–it’s nothing to be ashamed of, and you shouldn’t hold back from talking about it with your fiance and those who are close to you and know where you’re coming from.

If you think the Pill is ruining your sex life, then I would discuss it with your doctor–or seek a new doctor/birth control method. Having experienced a pushy OBGYN myself, and hearing the incessant buzz about how "easy" and "perfect" the Pill is…and experiencing something totally different…you might want to consider other options. There are a number of pills out there, too. No need to suffer unnecessarily!

 

And lastly, religion is definitely a deal breaker or maker. If you are able to have heated discussions without it causing a rift in your relationship, then it sounds like a healthy relationship to me. Nobody like couples who think As One. You are both individuals, and have your own views. If you can discuss your differences and respect each other’s choices and ideas, then that sounds fantastic! However, if you feel like he’s over-powering you, even inadvertently (like you find youself giving in because you wonder if you don’t feel as strongly about it as he does), then you should also talk about it with him. Personally, I wouldn’t want to be married to a man who felt he had to rationalize his wife’s religious beliefs and eternal fate to their children.

 Good luck to you.

Post # 6
Member
497 posts
Helper bee

1st I should say that we (the beehive) are not you, so unfortunately while we may be able to help with some perspective, we can’t give you the answer.  I say that because it is important that you don’t allow what the multitudes of opinions on this are to ultimately confuse you even further.

With that said, Mr Corn is not religious and I am.  When we first started dating, it was a huge issue for some of my friends.  Thankfully, my sister is a minister and she was able to give me some perspective.  The important thing is that you don’t have to agree on everything, but you should respect what the other person believes.  If your fiance doesn’t respect your right to your own beliefs, than there is a problem.  But if he does respect you, and you him, than that is healthy.

At our wedding, my sister spoke of passionate love and everyday love.  She said ‘Miss Corn and Mr Corn chose [the previous verses] and I am so glad they did.  One speaks of the fiery, passionate love that gets relationships started and the othe rspeaks of true, every day actions that keep love and relationships going.  They go well at a wedding because passionate love is what gets us into these things; daily love is what helps keep us in them’

It may be the pill that is affecting your passion, or it could be a variety of other things that really aren’t anything to worry about.  We all transition from passionate love to everyday love, and back and forth throughout the course of our married lives.  You are not alone in thinking this and it is ok to be scared.  If you weren’t, than THAT would be an issue.

Post # 7
Member
30 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2007

First of all I totally agree with what Corn said about the "multitudes of opinions". I had a pretty confused dating and engagement with my now-husband because I listened to what anybody told me and solicited too many opinions. NO ONE can tell you whether you should marry this guy or not. You must search deep within yourself- your gut, your heart, your spirit- and come to a conclusion on your own. Maybe sounds cheesy but I believe it to be absolutely true.

But I’m sure you just want to know if what you’re going through is normal. I love it that you’re thinking about things and not burying your head in the sand amidst the whirlwind of wedding planning. Some things to think about:

-I absolutely disagree with Raselshoe that "Nobody like couples who think As One." What?! Says who? In marriage you become one. Distinct and unique and independent, but one. I like to think "as one" with my husband. It’s secure and simple and natural. What’s not to like about that?

-Did you ever have "passion" with your FI, like at the beginning of your relationship? Does he have passion for you? He can’t blame anything on the Pill.

-I tend to think it’s probably normal to have feelings about your ex like that. The truth of the matter is that he’s married and completely off limits, so with a little time your feelings will probably fade. Old crushes die hard, don’t they?

I commend you for your openness. I wonder how many people are going through the same thing you are. Search your soul and I’m sure things will become clear to you.

Post # 8
Member
10 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2008

Oh my gosh!! I am SOOOOOO glad and thankful that you decided to share this post with us loyal bee readers. I feel EXACTLY the same way as you do and I think I completely understand to a tee what you are going through.

Here’s my $.02 (mind you – if I’m having the same concrns my opnions might not be the most helpful, but maybe it’ll help you to know that you’re not alone). I’ve been with FI for a long time, too, and every once in a while throughout our relationship I would get cold feet (even before we were engaged) and I’d freak out and we would break up. I’d want to know "what else is out there" and it always took me no time at all to realize I already had the best that was out there. Luckily, FI always took me back and we always worked it out and the last time it happened (i’m too embarassed to even say how recent) I finally knew it would be the last. I know now that I just had to go through all of that to convince me I love what I’ve got – but maybe you can use my experience without ever having to go through it. The grass is NOT greener!

No we don’t have the same opinions on everything and we are by NO means as googly-eyed about each other as we were the first year, but I just don’t think that it’s realistic to think we should be. At the end of the day I love coming home to my best friend and I love knowing that I will have him in my life and by my side forever (scary word!). Do you feel that way about your guy? I wonder sometimes if I’m supposed to feel that gushy movie-love thing that I assume all brides have but I have come to terms that it’s just not who I am. I am in the school of thought that if you know that you love your FI and are happy at the thought of growing old with him that’s really all that matters.

And about the passion thing (so embarassing to type) – I honestly think everyone is different. Most nights I come home exhausted and enjoy spending the time I have awake talking to FI about my day more than doing *anything else*. Instead of feeling bad about that or like a weirdo I just think it’s a part of growing up. Priorities change and companionship is what keeps us together once all the other stuff isn’t new anymore. And as for the "ex", I wouldn’t worry about that AT all. I find that it’s very easy to feel things for guys that are completely untouchable to you at this point. I think that part is just 100% human nature. We want what we can’t have I am positive that if it really became an options you would get over it in an insant.

Sorry I was rambling, I just really want you to know that you are NOT the only bride to be that feels like you do. And again, I really really appreciate you sharing with us.

Just keep on truckin’ and looking forward to the beautiful day you’re workin’ hard for! 

Post # 9
Member
83 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2008

nervousbride, it sounds like you could really benefit from premarital counseling.  Difference in religion could really be a problem, and an experienced relationship counselor could probably help you two determine how serious it is. 

I think a frank talk with FI (with and without a counselor) is the only way to really decide.  Good luck!

Post # 10
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I second the rec for premarital counseling. FI and I are planning on doing it specifically so we can discuss issues like religion in a structured setting. It sounds like you guys are already great at being open about these issues and discussing them, so maybe the input of an unbiased third party is just what you need to resolve things one way or another. 

Post # 11
Member
19 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2007

Hi nervousbride,

I, like tenfour, want you to know that you are not alone!  I was very recently in a similar situation (note post entitled "cold feet.")

My fiance (husband as of last week) and I have also been together for around 4.5 years.  We get along great and have excellent lines of communication, but we have very differing opinions about many things.  Without getting into too much detail, I am generally much more open-minded, outgoing and receptive, while he is very much set in his ways (at the ripe old age of 23).  This scared me tremendously, as I still have aspirations to see the world and gain life experiences.  I was afraid that I was condemning myself to a lifetime of gardening in the backyard.

My first fault was to listen to everything people would tell me about my upcoming marriage.  I would mention the slightest bit of nervousness, and people were all too quick to tell me their opinion (which in my case, perhaps because of my age, 21, was consistently negative towards the wedding)  They told me about being too young, about not having enough experience, about examining my doubts, and even about post-poning or calling off the wedding.   I took it all to heart and internalized it which just made my situation worse.  I began to focus entirely on the negative aspects of our relationship and my anxiety about it painfully consumed me for several months.

What I failed to realize was… well, a couple of things.  First of all, that finding someone that you can stand to be around for 4+ years is an amazing thing.  You can’t expect the passion to remain as fierce as it was when you first started dating.  I think that regardless of who you are with it would calm down eventually.  But looking at it differently, it is nice to know that you can coexist with someone for reasons beyond sexual desires.  (work, planning a wedding, plus all of the added stress of cold feet certainly takes its toll on that aspect of a relationship, too!)

Secondly, no one is going to agree with you or your beliefs 100% of the time.  Not only would it get boring, but you wouldn’t grow as much as a person without someone else to keep you thinking.

Third, and perhaps most importantly, I have come to realize that (provided that you’ve lived with your SO) marriage really doesn’t change anything.  If you weren’t going to be married, would your relationship continue to progress as normal?  If yes, how would marriage really make that different?  Yes, it is an official committment to that person, but if you’ve already been willing to make sacrifices for your SO, for the relationship, and you’ve already found comfort and solace with him, why would that change?  Life is going to throw you curve balls – marriage doesn’t prevent that.  The question is whether you are prepared and willing to continue to face them with your FI. 

I think that the stereotype of marriage makes us feel as though it is a larger step than it is.  I don’t mean to downplay the sanctity of the sacrament, but with people existing in long-term relationships before marriage these days, the marriage does act as a continuation of the relationship rather than the very first step, which, to me at least, is comforting to keep in mind. 

We get caught up in the commercial aspect of the wedding industry and feel lousy about ourselves when we are nervous or doubtful, even though it’s normal to question.  Those feelings are perpetuated by the wedding industry that makes everything look glamorous and perfect all the time.  When it’s not that way in real life, we feel like something is terribly wrong.

The stereotype makes us girls feel like marriage is supposed to be the beginning of the real-life "happily ever after".  This can be true, but only in realistic and practical terms.  There will still be arguments and things to work through… and no one is perfect.  We can always wonder if the grass would be greener on the other side, but it sounds like you have a solid communication base and a great deal of love and respect for each other.  All things considered, you can’t ask for much more than that.  At our wedding, a family friend described marriage as the ability to agree to move on together.  To a good extent that is probably true.. but isn’t that how a relationship works anyway?

I’m by no means saying that you shouldn’t consider the opinions of your friends, family, fellow weddingbee readers.  These people care about you and are looking out for your best interests by sharing their experiences and words of wisdom.  In my case, I just paid too much attention to the advice of others and not enough to myself.

These were simply my resolved thoughts from my similar situation (hopefully I made some sense heh).  If you don’t like what I said, ignore me!  But perhaps something I spoke of will help you to assess your own situation.  But (I know this isn’t easy) you are ultimately the only one who can decide whether you are happy and whether this is right for you!  Best of luck! (sorry for the ridiculously long post)

Post # 12
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

To be perfectly honest, you should truly reconsider marrying this man.  It sounds as though you are very, very different in the most important of ways.  I agree with the previous posters that premarital counseling (both separate and together) would probably help a lot.

Post # 13
Member
9 posts
Newbee

i’ve been married 4 years.  

my hubbs and i had a very passionate relationship before getting married. once the kids came, the "passion" faded, so don’t worry about your "passionless" relationship now. it eventually happens. not to say that you love each other less, but that kind of passion that you think you’re missing, is not an important criteria as to whether you should marry this guy.   

what matters to me, now that i’m older and i’d like to think a lil bit wiser, is the character of my husband. my hubbs is handsome and has a lot of money – but who cares if you’re frustrated with him everyday for the man he really is. if your guy has incredible character; if you respect him objectively and admire him for qualities you’d either like to see in yourself or value highly in yourself, then you are SET. that is all you need in your future husband.   

as for differing beliefs – religion is BIG. especially if one is devoted. in the long-run, it matters. so yes, you should be concerned and you should go through some premarital counseling (GOOD, TOUGH counseling versus wishy-washy) and figure out just how much you guys can withstand this difference. luckily, my husband and i are both christians, and it has strengthened our relationship and helped us through many things because of our common vision and beliefs. your FI might need that in the future – his partner and love and best friend – to walk alongside him in his faith – and i can guarantee that there may be some sadness or frustration that he can’t . not now, but defintely later.  

as for the other guy, don’t heed your feelings in that area. it really doesn’t mean anything and if people are honest, many think of old loves all the time in moments of doubt or boredom or whatever. married women talk about this serious stupidity all the time. =) it’s easy to glorify some guy into something more when you don’t know what it’s like living with him for the years you’ve been with your hubbs or FI. 

anywho, best wishes on figuring this all out! my heart goes out to you! in the end, it comes down to your commitment to love. if you both have strong character and are committed people, it will work out fine.=)

Post # 14
Member
75 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

I think differences in religion are a very big deal.  This is not to say that people of differing faiths do not have successful marriages, because they do.  But to be perfectly honest, the ones I have seen that have worked are the ones where one partner doesn’t really care.  That is, the difference is really that one has a strong faith, and the other doesn’t, and so is willing to go along with their partner.

Your differences are interesting now, but if you are already having "heated discussions" about them, what will happen when you have children?  The stakes are raised hugely when we’re talking about what moral fiber you want your kids to have.  It’s all well and good to say that your kids will be taught to know that mommy doesn’t go to church for a reason and that’s a valid choice, but will you feel they are getting that message when they themselves are going to church, not by their choice?  They get to choose when they’re "old enough to understand", but until then (and when is that, exactly?), the default is that they go to church.  Why isn’t the default that they stay home until they choose to go?

I agree that premarital counseling is in order here, to figure out how much this matters to you.  If you are indeed OK with your kids being raised in your husband’s faith, then that’s fine.  But really consider how you will feel when they are "old enough to choose" and they choose the religion they’ve been raised with.  And your fiance should consider whether it will really be OK with him if his kids decide they don’t want to follow an organized religion.  If you’re not OK with it, if you’re just smoothing it over for the sake of peace, then it’s going to be a problem, because what we will let pass on our own behalf, we are far less likely to let go when our children are involved.

Post # 15
Member
68 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I don’t think you should take the differences in religion lightly. 

I would want to be with someone who had the same views on the meaning of life, our purpose here, who created us and why, how we were to live our life and where we were going when we died.  I think these things are the most important, basic things at the core of life. 

Like what nopinkertons said, there are successful inter-faith marriages, but I have seen through some of my childhood friends’ parents’ marriages that there can be a lot of sadness and frustration there too, and I know that they often felt pitted between their parents’ expectations for them.

I agree with everyone who said to do some pre-marital counseling.  We went through it, and even though we didn’t have any issues to work through, the confirmation that you are doing the right thing is very helpful.

Post # 16
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

first off, thank you for sharing such personal thoughts/qualms with the weddingbee community. i am not yet engaged but it’s good to know that feeling such uncertainty before the wedding is possible.

i’d like to echo everyone else who stressed the importance of religious differences– you described your fiance as "fairly religious," and i’m not quite sure what you meant by that, but if he has set ideas/principles from his religion that guide his decisions and actions, and you happen not to share his faith in the particular religion, it could very well lead to a (big) problem. my parents for example went through a period of marital difficulty bc they didn’t see eye-to-eye in the religious sense. but they’re still happily married twenty years later. this is not to discourage you, but rather to encourage you to get pre-marital counseling with your fiance to hash out these issues before they pose any kind of problem in your relationship. good luck!

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