Weddingbee boards

I think I just had my last straw with my sisters and I’m not sure what to do about it… 

While my two older sisters are my co- MOHs, there has been a fair bit of resentment toward the fact that their younger sister is getting married before them while they were both single and in their mid 30s (one of them has since gotten a boyfriend and has been slightly easier to deal with since.)  I do understand how this would be challenging for them and have tried to be respectful of this.  Before any event when the family is all together (the only time we really talk) they have requested through our mom that I not talk about the wedding at all; something I have respected, even at our engagement party because I wanted to be respectful of their feelings. On top of that they have said they will not give, toasts, host or attend any showers or bachelorette parties, or wear matching dresses.  I have accepted all of this.  They do not know what my wedding dress looks like; they do know what our “theme” is, etc, etc.  The only things they know about our wedding is the date and the venue both of which my grandma told them about (ha, can’t be rude to a 94 year old women at least).

I allowed the bridesmaids to vote anonymously for their favorite fabric and color choice on J. Crew and my sisters both voted for the winning selection (Caspian blue silk taffeta) and I told the girls to choose a dress in this fabric/ color combo.  After I announced the winner, my sisters both started complaining that all of the dress would be inappropriately short for their ages in the size 0 they both require.  Then why did you vote for that choice when some of the other selections were more mature??!!!  They have also demanded my parents pay for their dresses which my parents are fine with.  Our wedding is still 4 months away, but all of the other bridesmaids have ordered their dresses now and my sisters refuse, saying they have plenty of time. 

I realize this is probably the least offensive thing they’ve done/ said so far, and it’s not even untrue, but on top of all of their other actions, it just really frustrates me that the other 4 bridesmaids (two of who are in med school and one in law school and clearly quite busy) have been able to make the time to order the dresses, and it just frustrates me that they won’t do the ONE thing I’ve asked of them in the timeframe that makes me comfortable.  I’d love to sit them down and talk about this but 1) we all live in different state/ countries and 2) they just don’t respond well to anything critical about themselves, even when approached in a calm and polite way.  I’d try having my mom talk to them about their behavior, but halfway through our engagement she announced she was leaving our father after 35 years of marriage (a decision I support since they’ve been unhappy for a long time) but the drama of the divorce has left her quite sensitive to the issue of being single and as such, she is relating to my sister’s point of view much more than mine.

I think I’d be more understanding if I felt like I was in a vastly better place than them, but they have both been quite successful in their own ways; we have just all chosen different paths, and mine has allowed me the opportunity to meet the love of my life sooner.  I have been so proud of them through all of their accomplishments and am feeling really frustrated that they can’t do the same for me (again, typical behavior for them, but no less frustrating.)

Sorry this has turned into quite the vent, I’m just cranky about all of it…

LaborofLove- Thank  you.  While I don't think my parents will be much help in talking to them about their behavior, having them order the dress for them isn't a bad idea as a last resort (why do I feel like a little kid who has to tattle on her older sisters?

MissHelen- I'm sorry you went through something similar with your friend, I'm sure that wasn't easy.  My parents are graciously paying for the majority of the wedding and having them as bridesmaids was one of my mom's requirements so I can't just cut them all together (although I think all three of us would probably be better for it).  I think my sisters have an equally hard time disagreeing with my mom, which may have played a part in their acceptance.  They did once mention that it was nice that I chose both of them, rather then just one for MOH, so I guess I'm also optimistic that on some  level they appreciate the gesture even if they aren't at a place where they can enjoy it.  Of my other four bridesmaids, I have always felt like I am equally close to all of them and didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings so choosing my sisters seemed like the easiest solution/ cop out.  I have essentially broken up the day-of roles of the MOH between the 4 of them which has been helpful but I think the family drama (immediate and extended as we're all pretty close) if I cut them would be harder to deal with than putting up with them for another 4 months. I think i just need to suck it up and deal with it but I really appreciate having  a place to vent my frustrations about the whole situation at least.  sigh.

Thanks ladies, I really appreciate the support.  Glad to know I'm not completely out of line with my frustration.

****UPDATE****

Hi ladies,

I thought I’d provide you all with a quick (sort of) update.  I took all of your wonderful advice and made my mom get on my sister's case which worked in that it made my mom realize how frustrating and lackadaisy my sister was being even if it didn’t make her any more motivated to actually order her dress.  My mom finally decided she would just order the dress my sister wanted for her, only to find out it was on backorder until the weekend before the wedding because she had waited so long.  Ugh.  She ended up ordering that dress as well as a backup dress which she will return if the other one comes in time, but what a pain.

The latest fun has been with the shower and bachelorette party.  My aunt’s are hosting an amazing shower which will be the only weekend I can fly back out there before the wedding and one of my awesome bridesmaids arranged the bachelorette party for that same weekend.  1 sister can’t attend because she has to give a lecture that was scheduled long before the shower weekend was, and I completely understand that.  Despite what she had said earlier, I had slightly higher expectations for my other sister since she lives in the same city the shower will be in and when I called her a month ago so she’d be able to schedule it she said that would be fine, she didn’t have anything planned for that whole month.  Ok great.  Well today I get an email from her asking if that was the weekend my shower was and telling me she probably won’t be attending because she’d forgotten that was the date and had been planning the visit some friends that weekend and that was the only date that worked for people.  After everything she’s done it’s probably my own fault for getting my hopes up that she’d come through, but I’m still can’t help but be hurt by this.  C’est la vie I guess…

Hmm, I've tried to be upfront about details of the situation but I don't think you're entirely wrong in that their behavior towards the wedding isn't a complete surprise although it is the worst it's been- presumably because of the resentment towards my (me?  not sure which is correct..?) getting married first.

While it hasn't been this extreme in the past, they threw a bit of a tantrum at my college graduation (and got the family to leave 10 minutes into the party my roommates and I had afterwards) so they could go to the gym.   This seemed pretty weird to me since I had gone to both of their college graduations (and for the record, they both went to schools ranked higher than mine.)  My mom tried to justify their behavior to me later my explaining that no one in our family does well with events that are about other people and this assesment seems to be pretty correct- if not completely ridiculous. 

Can't pick family--on the upside, it sounds like your other BMs are being supportive and fulfilling their duties.. my only piece of advice is don't let Anastasia and Drisella's negative attitude affect you on the day of your wedding. You know the way they are, and you have to be prepared to just let it roll off your back and not stress you out when it counts. Good luck!