Gift Giving After Marriage

posted 3 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
160 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

This is a tough one.  I think it’s probably time to break the blanket “no gifts” rule.  You need surprises now and then!  And not only you, but other people you and DH care about, like his mother and other family members.  He set the precident by breaking your no gifts rule, so I would consider talking to him about perhaps altering the rule since it seems like you can afford it.  If you have a set amount of money coming in every month, he’s probably right that if you get a piece of jewelry for Valentine’s day, other things will have to wait, but I would think of that as something he didn’t need to say and it just ended up making you feel bad.  I am one that firmly believes that it’s important to spoil and surprise your significant other, so spending money on something that’s specific for you, like a piece of jewelry, is perfectly fine and other household items can be put on hold. 

Post # 4
Member
1604 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Hmmmm that is hard. I feel like you guys just need to get on the same page with gift giving. Sounds like right now you just aren’t sure what the other is thinking/planning, etc.

My husband and I are 29 and 30 and we’ve been married for 4 months. We did the gift-giving thing throughout our engagement, but since we’ve been married and bought a house, we decided to use Valentines day, etc. to buy things for the house. Vday this year will probably be a vacuum cleaner and new curtains lol. Not really romantic but hey, we’ve been together for 5+ years and our house needs a lot of work so there you go. But it was a mutual decision.

I would just talk to your husband about it so you guys can get on the same page. I can understand you wanting a gift if he gives his mom a gift, but let’s say you guys mutually decide that your gifts will be something for the house – would you still expect him to stop giving gifts to his mom?

I mean, let’s say for Vday you guys decide you want to get new bedroom furniture. So the furniture would be your gifts to each other. But then maybe the week after is his mom’s bday or something – I think she still deserves a gift.

When my husband and I bought new curtains for our living room and dining room as gifts to each other, I still bought my mom a birthday present because she’s not involved with our house or the gift-giving decision amongst the two of us, you know what I mean?

But I don’t think he should cut you of from gifts completely just so he could buy his mom stuff. And if he wants to work on the house, that should be something you both agree on.

 

Post # 5
Hostess
7630 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

I would try not to see yourself as “not worth it.” Do you share money? If so he probably thinks it doesn’t make sense for him to spend your (as a couple’s) money for something you want when you need home furnishings. I would talk to him about how you feel, not about one present but about your gift giving desires in general. 

Post # 6
Member
5697 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Did you point that situation out to him and ask him what his deal is?

Post # 7
Member
2562 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Have you talked about this with him?

Because behaviour like this can pave the way for some SERIOUS money issues later on – namely, his getting to decide on the things money is spent on (and really? He let your dad buy your wedding band???)

Also, does he have complete, 100% control of the money in the house?
Because if he does, he’s not doing a good job being fair about how it’s spent.
And quite frankly, not only would I start trying to take a little more interest in our finances, I’d start hoarding some of my own money into an F-U account with behaviour like that… been there, done that – dad left, took it all, and my family had NOTHING.

“Oh if I ask you what you want and then get you it as a gift for a holiday, then you can’t buy some things we need/want for the house?”
How the hell does THAT logic (really, it’s a ransom note) work?

Post # 11
Hostess
7630 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

@meraklu: That doesn’t sound strange to me. DH and I buy house stuff for holidays and give fun gifts to our family and friends. I do think an iPad AND internet is a pretty expensive gift. You two should talk a gift giving budget you’re both comfortable with. 

It sounds like you’re more upset about his mother than the actual gift situation. Do you want him to spend less money on her or do you want to get presents yourself? 

Post # 14
Member
3722 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

The theme here seems to be that gift = jewelry to your DH and his family. Have you given off this vibe/idea? Does gift = jewelry to you? Would you be happy with a birhtday/Christmas gift that was a book or a shirt? If so, then this idea needs to be cleared up with your husband and his family.

Gifts don’t have to be expensive. You could reinstate gifts for each other, but put a monetary limit- $100 a person, or wahtever fits your budget.

And just because you have bills to pay doesn’t mean others can’t get gifts. They dont’ need to be an iPad, but I think they can still be given something

Post # 15
Member
2562 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@meraklu:  Yeah, joint acconts can be tricky, but since it’s joint you have EVERY RIGHT to start learning how to manage that money, too. I personally am looking into David Ramsey to learn how to manage my (our) money better, but there are others out there. 🙂

Also: He let your DAD buy your wedding band and your MIL has the GALL to complain about you “just getting” diamonds?!?! AUUUGHHHHH This doesn’t make sense to me!!!!

Leave a comment


Sent weekly. You may unsubscribe at any time.

Find Amazing Vendors