Gift Grabby?

posted 2 years ago in Gifts and Registries
Post # 2
Member
42546 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

MrsHistory-Bee:  Your questions are just way too general.

Why is having a party gift grabby? Why is registering for big/expensive things gift grabby? Why is sending an invite to someone you don’t think can come gift grabby?

Obviously each situation has to be seen on its’ own. Some of these situations will definitely be gift grabby. Others won’t.

Post # 3
Member
2358 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I do not think any of those things r gift grabby.

Post # 4
Member
2455 posts
Buzzing bee

MrsHistory-Bee:  As far as sending someone an invitation when you know they won’t come, I can elaborate on their from the point of view of my social circle.

I was always taught to never show up to an event where gifts are customary (wedding, birthday party) empty-handed. At the very least bring a card. If you are invited to the event and are unable to attend, I was taught, you should send a gift or card.

So with that mentality, receiving an invitation when you’ve already made it clear you can’t attend seems like they KNOW you won’t be able to be there but know you’ll feel the need to send a gift.

Of course this isn’t the case with everyone and not everyone knows what kind of “manners” certain people were taught. So it really depends on the receiver.

Post # 5
Member
2895 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

 julies1949:  is right, everything is situational.  I don’t think weddings in general are “gift grabby.”  Spending $10,000+ of money to get maybe $2000 in gifts can’t be considered gift grabby.  If I really wanted to get things, I would spend the 10K on that.  But you layer certain things on top of it, the situation can look bad. 

I will take your large ticket items question.  A few on the registry is okay, as people may go in for larger gifts.  If you live in an area where a $50 gift is normal, and that is what you would typically give someone for thier wedding, and then go and put no item on your registry that costs less than $100, that seems gift grabby.  If you register for 4 large ticket items, and then keep the rest reasonable $50 or less range, people aren’t going to stick thier nose up at it.

As far as sending invites to someone you know can’t attend, it’s all intentions.  If the intention is we want you to know that we want you there (I sent a few of those) then that is one thing.  A lot of people are afraid they look gift grabby in that situation, and most of the time there is no compaint on here about people who got the invite. 

Post # 7
Member
1987 posts
Buzzing bee

Well, having a party isn’t gift-grabby unless you’ve already had multiple of them or are throwing one for yourself. And sending an invite to someone who can’t come may be seen as such because you’re basically saying–yeah, hey, I know you can’t make it, but here’s a reminder of the event in case you want to send a gift. Otherwise, why would you send the invite? For example, there were a ton of people whom I knew couldn’t make my graduation way back when, but I didn’t send an invite because I didn’t want them to feel obligated to send a gift. I guess it really depends on the situation and the person (like that post about the out of control baby-mama that was demanding a high-end shower for her *fourth* kid.)

Post # 8
Member
5228 posts
Bee Keeper

MrsHistory-Bee:  Context is everything. Some things are blatant cash grabs. Vow renewals that include showers and registries for example(I’m talking people who have already been living as man and wife for years, not people who needed to get legally married for what ever reason before their wedding). In general, I don’t think that weddings should be used as fund raisers. Too many people want a champagne wedding on a beer budget. Have the wedding you can afford.

Post # 10
Member
42546 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

MrsHistory-Bee:  As I said, each situation has to be considered on its’ own and with a greater knowledge of the people and the situation involved.

We also have to keep in mnd, that most of us are not experts in etiquette, BUT, most of us can easily find the answer online somewhere if we are looking for guidance.

For some things, there are no hard and fast rules. You may know that your great aunt would most definitely want to receive an invitation, even though you know she cant attend. The rest of the Bees wouldn’t know that.

I would also think that anyone old enough to get married is mature enough to not fall apart at the seams becuase a stranger had a contrary opinion on the internet.

Hosting your own shower is definitely “gift grabby” The whole purpose of a shower is to give gifts. It is never polite to throw yourself a party that is by definition a gift giving event. If you don’t have any friends or family who step up , then, unfortunately that’s just too bad and you don’t get a shower. You will survive. Presumably you will get wedding gifts. If you really just want the experience, not the gifts, you an host a luncheon.

 

Post # 12
Member
5204 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

MrsHistory-Bee:  For the record, I COMPLETELY agree with you!  The Bees as a group seem to be way more obsessed with thinking people are gift grabby than I would ever be.  I guess I have a pretty positive view of human nature?  Or just a really nice group of friends?

That said, I think it’s good to cultivate an awareness of which social situations call for a gift, and the etiquette of hosting, etc.  It’s good to be aware of these situations so that you can make people feel comfortable and be a gracious host and all that.

My pet peeve about the gift thing is that there is a lot of silly posturing that goes around all of it.  So you can register but you can’t outright mention your registry.  You can prefer cash and have coded ways of indicating it (telling your parents, not registering) but you cannot just say, “if you’d like to give a gift, we would appreciate cash the most.”  I abide by all these things, but I think they are kind of stupid.

Post # 13
Member
2455 posts
Buzzing bee

MrsHistory-Bee:  That’s kind of where the problem lies; in people’s perception. What you see as “Oh how nice of them to make me feel included and invited even though I couldn’t go!” someone else might think they are being hit up for a gift. Neither way of thinking is wrong, it’s just about what you were taught is expected of you and how you perceive social cues.

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