Post # 1
Anyone else plan on not registrying for gifts?
Actually, I don’t want gifts at all. Is this a very common feeling?
Honestly, I don’t feel like people should buy us things because we decided to get married. If we want people to celebrate with us we will throw a party and leave it at that. I don’t mean to seem unfriendly about it but rather the opposite. I want people to be relaxed and come to our reception which we will have in December since we aren’t inviting anyone to the wedding. But I have gotten a few messages about where we might be registered. Well, we are not registered. We don’t plan on registering and we will tell everyone that just having their attendence at the reception is all we request.
I feel the same way about baby showers. People shouldn’t throw parties because they need baby things, um, isn’t that why we don’t have kids until we can care for them? However, I think it is wonderful if a parent wants to have a baby warming party, that is if they want to share their child for good blessings have a party to celebrate it’s birth but don’t go register for things you want or request gifts or money from people.
This all being said, I’d like to understand why there is gift giving and why people register and if you really expect or need the things that you register for. I am not judging those that register or ask for gifts. However, there have been a few babies and a few weddings where I did get gifts that were on the registry list. But it irks me to no end that people feel entitled to gifts, babies or weddings. But like I said, please help me to understand.
I don’t want to hurt our families feelings when we say we don’t gifts but would rather just have their attendence at the reception dinner in December, if they want to come.
Post # 3
We feel the same way and specifically asked that if people were considering giving us gifts, to consider making a donation to a charity that we support. In order to show people how serious we are about this, we are making a matching gift to the charity in honor of our wedding and our wedding guests. The charity has had people ask for donations in lieu of gifts before; the matching gift is something new.
That said, many guests, including my parents, want to give us something that we will have the rest of our lives together. With this in mind we registered for some stuff, but really not a lot of stuff, at bed bath & beyond and then at myregistry.com. We’ve learned that many of our guests are planning on "splitting" the gift between the charity and us.
We don’t want gifts. We want people to come and dance and have fun and celebrate with us. People, however, want to give gifts to the couple and they really like giving things that the couple will have the rest of their lives together. The purpose of the registry is to make this easier for everyone. Like many many things in this whole wedding process, this is one of those things that is not necessarily about you.
Even if you don’t want to do a traditional registry or the charity thing isn’t for you, have you considered the honeymoon type registry, like at honeyfund.
Post # 4
Well, I think that having a registry just makes sense. People will want to shower you with gifts, whether you register or not. It is just common practice, traditonally to help the newlyweds start their new life together.
As far as the showers go, I’ve never EVER thought of it as asking for a handout. Generally babybridal showers are thrown for you by someone else. To celebrate your impending wedding/baby.
My fiance and I plan on registering for some items, mostly things that we probably wouldn’t spend the money on ourselves, but would really like to have (china, kitchenaid mixer) along with a few other things just to update what we have. We don’t necessarily NEED these things, in fact I’m sure we would survive without them, so if no one showers us with them, it’s no big deal. However, it would be nice to replace some cheap bachelor pad items from his place, and some of my college wares with more adult things.
Post # 5
You know what I never got? Whe people dont understand why they are supposed to bring gifts. Showers, be them wedding or baby, are basically requests for gifts. The who point of a baby shower is to help the new family set up for the coming of the baby. If you want people to come over to help welcome the birth of the baby, and not bring gifts or ask where you are registered, dont call it a shower.
If you would prefer people not to bring gifts or to make a donation in leiu of a gift, thats great, very noble of you. But I think its strange that youre irked that people expect to give and receive gifts. Maybe its a cultural thing, maybe its an age thing…from my perspective, you give gifts at a wedding to help the new couple set up a household. I think people have just forgotten that part…gift giving evolved from the notion of a dowries. The bridal dowery included items necessary for the new couple to set up a household…linen, towels..etc.
Would you personally go to a wedding and not bring a gift? What about a shower? Probably not…
Post # 6
I have indeed gone to a wedding and not brought a gift. It was the understanding that my travel to the wedding from far away was gift enough. Now, would I bring the couple a gift for another event, sure. I see where you are coming from. Doweries were set up to "pay" someone to marry the woman so the family didn’t have to take care of her. I suppose my college education was my dowery.
Traditions change all the time. People put pennies in their shoe and not the traditional six pence. people didn’t have sex people marriage or even see each other in most cases, that certainly has changed for some couples. It is just that for us asking people for gifts isn’t in our nature. I’d just rather people came and had a great time. Send us with blessings, that would be incredibly generous in our material world.
I personally don’t want people spending money on us because we are getting married.
I say eliminate the money/gift issue. I don’t want to stress people out about getting us a gift and I don’t want people to worry about fiances. FH and I are getting married…we aren’t inviting people to our wedding ceremony because we want our marriage to start on a note of love and the more people involved in the wedding the more emotions and that means there could be some not so happy people, like what if they didn’t like the cake, or my flowers, or the vows or our rings? even just one person not coming with a clean heart I think is toxic and I’d rather not hear 6 months from now about their negative experience, instead I’d rather not hear about any experience. This is where I am selfish. We are starting a marriage, the two of us and I want it to be special and amazing. I don’t want to worry about what my FMIL is wearing or who brough who as a date or if my bridemaids look good in their dresses. I read about people worrying that their bridesmaid is getting fat, and that is just sad and to me, no way to start a marriage.
I will say thank you to those that shared this understanding not to ask for gifts.
And yes, the charity route is one we would consider, especially since a lot of friends raise money for causes and even do missions, I think they will understand our request.
Post # 7
Here’s my perspective- I love giving gifts! And I know many other people do to. It’s like when you’re invited to a party and ask "what can I bring?" I ask because I genuinely would like to bring something. Being told "just yoursef" by the host, while very sweet, is mildly irritating.
I guess I feel the same way about gifts. FI wants to make it very clear to others that we don’t want gifts. While I see where he’s coming from, and agree, I think that if someone wants to purchase a gift, let them. Then graciously thank them. Let them do something nice for you. Even if nice is an ugly picture frame.
I DID register for gifts. I won’t really tell anyone, but I chose places that those who know us, know we would go. That way, IF someone chooses to purchase a gift for us, I run a 50/50 shot at avoiding the picture frame!
Post # 8
Karma007, thank you, I appreciate your honesty and humility.
it is good to know that others aren’t so keen on asking for "things".
I am just not comfortable with this but I can see where people are coming from and I need to think about those that want to gift give.