- 8 years ago
Quick backstory on our situation: I live in China (although I’m an American), where I do non profit work within a university setting, so my contract is tied to the academic school year. He’s a teacher in the States, also tied to the academic calendar, and working on his MA. He’s amazingly supportive of me and my career, and wants to move here with me after we get married.
The original plan? I would return to the States July 2010, we would get married October 2010, we would live together in his city for one year while he finishes his MA, and then move back to China together August 2011.
BUT we just found out the funding for his program has been reduced (the school district where he works pays the tuition), so they have added an extra semester to his program, meaning we won’t be able to move back to China until after December 2011, which on an academic calendar really translates to August 2012!
I’m fine with doing 2 years in the States, what I’m struggling with is when we’re going to get married. We’re both young (mid twenties), and while we’ve been really close friends for years, we’ve only been together a short time. He is worried about the financial commitment of getting married, and thinks if we postpone the wedding a few months, it will give us time to save more. I talked to my MOH about this, and she was like “OMG yes you should postpone” but I got the impression that was more because she thinks we haven’t been together long enough (trust me, we have. when you know, you know!) than for financial reasons.
The trouble… I’ve wanted a fall wedding for as long as I can remember. We had already found the venue for my dream reception, a beautiful glass walled, sixteen sided ballroom overlooking a lake, with multilevel porches and decks that spill out off the dance floor… we were going to do a late dinner reception, at sunset, with twinkle lights in the rafters, candles on the tables, paper lanterns and twinkle lights on the porches, it was going to be so beautiful and romantic, I could just see couples sneaking off into the garden for romantic walks and dancing into the night with fresh fall air coming in the open doors and music wafting into the night…
But now we’re talking postponing, which means either no more fall wedding, or longer long distance. (If I move back to the states is makes a LOT more sense for me to live at my parents’ – still three hours by plane from him – until the wedding than to live with him or in his city; too many reasons to explain, but trust me when I say it’s the best option.)
I hate hate hate hate hate being far away from him. Right now we get to talk on the phone once a week, because our schedules are pretty much at odds with the 12 hour time difference, and while six hour video chats are great, they’re not the same thing as being together. We’re both committed to making this year work though, because we both really value where we’re at right now, but I don’t want to stretch it out by adding another year, or even six months, being halfway across America from each other.
He wants to wait to get married.
I do NOT want a summer wedding. Summer where we live is gross and EVERYONE gets married in the summer. Plus we’re kind of on a budget, and summer just tends to be more expensive (BECAUSE everyone gets married in the summer), so it seems to defeat the purpose of waiting to save money.
I don’t really want a spring wedding either; the weather is more acceptable, and we could probably pull off the indoor/outdoor reception, but waiting until April (I don’t want to do March, because my birthday is in March, is that lame of me?) means prices start to go up again. PLUS that means actually going back and living with my parents for like 9 months. We get along, but our relationship isn’t THAT great!
So that leaves winter – which is cold, snowy, depressing. It gets dark early, there’s ice everywhere, I just … the thought of having to change everything I’ve dreamed of (my dream dress is NOT winter friendly; no such thing as indoor outdoor in the north in the winter; no outdoor photos; teal seems too bright and happy for such a depressing time of year; NO WONDER no one gets married in January!) is just so … demoralizing. My heart sinks every time I think of getting married in January. It really makes me just want to elope, or cut the guest list from 250 to like 50 family members who would be pissed if they weren’t there, and just say ‘screw it. no one is going to leave their homes in the winter’ and all but elope.
Okay, maybe I’m being melodramatic, but … how much money can we really save in six months? I mean, his job will be the same whether we’re married or not; I’ll have to find some crap part time job or whatever the economy provides in parents’ town, and then find a new job when I move in with him after the wedding finally, instead of just getting a job in his city from the start, I’ll be between jobs and probably have to pay out of pocket for medical insurance (can we say birth control is expensive?!), plus being in country together, who knows if we’ll exercise any self restraint on those three hour flights to see each other whenever we can… I just don’t see us saving that much money.
SO WHY ARE WE PUTTING OFF GETTING MARRIED AND ACTUALLY BEING TOGETHER ANDANDANDAND GIVING UP THE WEDDING OF OUR (MY) DREAMS!? WHY?????
Am I being unreasonable to still want to get married in the fall? Is he right?
And how can I bring this up with him withOUT going crazy and venting irrationally the way I just did to all of you?