(Closed) Given a gift but was asked to return it…what would you do?

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

She can suck it.  I’d keep it.  You can’t give a gift and take it back…. unless your 4.  I suggest you and your FI sit down with his parents and have an adult  conversation, not around your FSIL, about the heirloom, the cancelled engagement party, your family’s resentment and the BM’s resentment and the problems their daughter is causing.  

This is supposed to be a happy time in THEIR SON”S life, if their daughter is a spoiled bit*h that’s her problem.  

ETA: this makes me so flipping made for you.  You talk about the heirloom with such wonderful heartfelt words.

Post # 4
Member
11234 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

@HisIrishPrincess:  This. Keep the jewelry and tell her to screw off as far as being a bridesmaid goes.

Post # 5
Member
3697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

What happened with your engagement party?

I’d probably give the family heirloom back. It’s super rude of them to ask for it back, but I’d probably do it to try and ease the tension. However, there’s no way I’d then have the FSIL as a bridesmaid. No way.

Post # 6
Member
3150 posts
Sugar bee

She’s immature. Keep it. It’s the principle. Don’t know about keeping her in the wedding. That’s a hard decision.

Post # 7
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I agree. Keep it. If she gets her way on this, you will only be opening the door for more crap from her in the future. And get her out of the bridal party. Anyone that isn’t totally happy for you and your FI doesn’t belong in the wedding party…or even at the wedding. 

Post # 8
Member
70 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

First of all, the jewelry never belonged to your FSIL and if it wasn’t given to her but the rest of the family collectively decided to give it to you, it’s yours. Do not give it back. She has no right to demand it back or assume that she ever would have gotten it in the first place. Let her be a BM if you don’t want to cause a huge family rift, but do not give the jewelry back. It means a lot to you, and you obviously mean a lot to your FILs if they gave it to you. FSIL needs to grow up and realize that the world doesn’t revolve around her. I highly doubt this is actually about the jewelry and more about her wanting to be the center of attention and feeling jealous of her brother and you. You are now a part of the family and have every right to the heirloom as anyone else. 

Post # 9
Member
482 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Really it was given to your FI by his family, and he gave it to you. I get that she’s upset because she felt entitled (as, I’m guessing, the only sister) but if he’s the oldest, that’s just sometimes how heirlooms work. They wouldn’t be taking it from you, they would be taking it from your FI, who happened to have already given it to you. If this were my situation, I would tell my SO “It YOUR jewelry, they gave it to YOU” and hopefully he will reason with them that way. There’s no reason he should cave to some pressure caused by a hissy fit.

Post # 10
Member
363 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I think your FI needs to be the one to refuse to return the item, if you do decide to go that route. It shouldn’t be left to you to negotiate this family drama that really has nothing to do with you.

 

Post # 11
Member
7241 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

She is totally immature and it’s absolutely unfair. Still.. if it were me I’d probably give it back and not have her as bridesmaid. I’d sit down with my FI’s parents and tell them these two things were seperate issues. You love the heirloom, but to keep the peace you’re willing to give it back. ON A SEPERATE note, you’re having a lot of trouble with FSIL as a bridesmaid because of her behavior and it’s putting a strain on the whole bridal party. You feel that continuing to have her a part of the wedding party will just cause additional strain on your relationship with her and your families’ relationships with each other. 

Post # 12
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

That’s ridiculous. I’d keep it. And definitely fire her as a bridesmaid. There’s no telling what sort of vindictive things she would be tempted to do when the day comes and the spotlight is on her.

Then again, if she did, it would make it pretty clear to all what kind of person she really is.

Post # 13
Member
5894 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Maybe share it? You get it for 10 years, then she gets it for 10 years?

Post # 14
Member
228 posts
Helper bee

You should talk to the FMIL about it directly.  If she genuinely thinks you should give it back to end the tension in the family, as sad as it is, I think you should do so.  Otherwise (unfair as it is), you may end up getting blamed for the continued strife instead of the FSIL.  For the sake of maintaining your relationship with your FI’s family, this will probably end up being for the best.  And you’ll probably get major brownie points with the family.  You don’t need to talk to the FSIL anymore.

Post # 15
Member
5494 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2011

I would return the heirloom.  It’s techinically not yours, it’s theirs and while it’s shitty that they gave it to you without assessing the impact it would have on their daughter, it’s theirs to do with as they wish.  I look at family heirlooms like that as conditional gifts.    

I dont’ know your FSIL so maybe i’m giving her too much benefit of a doubt but frankly I would be really upset if my parents gave my brother’s FI sentimental family jewelry because as the girl in the family, I expect it to go to me.  And frankly I’m not sure my brother would take such jewelry without clearing it with me first. 

Post # 16
Member
2856 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

It depends who is asking you to give it back. If it’s her (on her own), don’t do it. If it’s the rest of the family, be the bigger person and give it back. It sucks, it’s RUDE, it’s ridiculous, and it’s enabling her to behave like a spoiled brat. Unfortunately though, while you’re not exactly marrying your FI’s family, you WILL have to spend time with them for the length of your marriage. Demonstrate to them why they were right to give it to you in the first place, and graciously give it back. Holding on to it at this point makes you look as big of a petulant child as she does right now.
As for the bridal party issue – kick her out and cut the drama from your lives. BUT – make your FI do it. It’s his sister, his responsibility to tell her she’s out, and HIS responsibility to TAKE responsibility for it – ie: Hey sis, you’re p!ssing me off and being a childish b!tch. You’re not respecting my future wife, and that is disrespectful to ME. I’d love you to be in attendance at the wedding, but I no longer feel right having you stand up there with us when you’re being so clearly unsupportive of our union.

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