Post # 1
I am going anonymous for this thread.
I was given a family heirloom from my fiance’s family shortly after the proposal. It is a modest piece of jewellery but has a lot of sentimental value. When my fiance presented it to me I was absolutely overwhelmed and had that amazing proposal feeling all over again. I cried and was so emotional BECAUSE I felt that his family must REALLY have loved me to give me that and it meant the world to me. My fiance was so excited that day (obviously, because he’d just proposed) but HE was excited that the family had given this item to us and my fiance is quite a reserved person. I have been wearing it so they know that I love and appreciate this item. They hugged and kissed me and everyone was so happy that day. Each time I’ve worn it I’ve been complimented on it and I have loved seeing my FMIL’s face light up every time she sees it on me. I know it means a lot to her to see it loved so much.
All well and good right?
No – because there was 1 person that couldn’t stand this. My FSIL has been miserable about the engagement since the frigging day it happened. She has, it seems, caused a ruckus about this item being given to us since the day it left the house. There have been insinuations that I have managed to finagle something that I am not entitled to and that I shouldn’t have. She’s essentially saying that I usurped her right to inherit this item.
I didn’t know that this item was going to be gifted to me and I would NEVER have dreamed or assumed it was coming my way THAT’s why I was totally shocked and overwhelmed when I got it. More so than my own engagement ring actually and that was a gigantic surprise. Unknown to me there has been family disputes among my fiance’s family since the day the item came to me. I found out last night that my fiance’s family have asked me to return the item so they can give it to my FSIL to shut her up.
I literally don’t know what to say. I have never ever come across this situation in my entire life because I don’t know any people that would act like this. I especially find it difficult because in spite of her difficult behaviours I have built up a sister-like relationship with this woman. One half of my brain is like WTF it’s just a piece of jewellery, return it, no big deal you know, I work in palliative care so this shit is just not real in comparison to what others are dealing with and life is shorter than people think. The other half is thinking hmmm it’s the principle of the thing. If you’re going to gift something like that take time to assess the impact on other family and if you make a decision stick to it and accept the consequences.
She is supposed to be a BM but has acted up about this also. Some of my family and friends are fed up with her disruptive and difficult behaviours and want her fired. My other two BMs don’t want to walk down the aisle with her. My fiance wants her out. If I go this route I see our families dividing as my MIL and FIL would be upset and I understand that.
I am annoyed that she’s caused all this unhappiness. It’s no big deal to return the item, I am disappointed because I love it but still I’d give it back. I am angry at the way she’s gone about this. I guess she wins because she gets the item she wants, she’s ruined our engagement party which has been cancelled and she gets to enjoy my fiance and I torn between our families who are starting to dislike each other. When we first got engaged our families were so happy with us and with each other. Since then she has worked hard to divide us by various machinations and it really seems to have worked. I am thinking of returning the item, keeping her as BM and trying to somehow reduce the tension between our families by me and FI pretending to be totally ok with it. A sort of – ‘if we aren’t bothered neither should you be’ type thing.
What would you do?
Post # 3
She can suck it. I’d keep it. You can’t give a gift and take it back…. unless your 4. I suggest you and your FI sit down with his parents and have an adult conversation, not around your FSIL, about the heirloom, the cancelled engagement party, your family’s resentment and the BM’s resentment and the problems their daughter is causing.
This is supposed to be a happy time in THEIR SON”S life, if their daughter is a spoiled bit*h that’s her problem.
ETA: this makes me so flipping made for you. You talk about the heirloom with such wonderful heartfelt words.
Post # 4
@HisIrishPrincess: This. Keep the jewelry and tell her to screw off as far as being a bridesmaid goes.
Post # 5
What happened with your engagement party?
I’d probably give the family heirloom back. It’s super rude of them to ask for it back, but I’d probably do it to try and ease the tension. However, there’s no way I’d then have the FSIL as a bridesmaid. No way.
Post # 6
She’s immature. Keep it. It’s the principle. Don’t know about keeping her in the wedding. That’s a hard decision.
Post # 7
I agree. Keep it. If she gets her way on this, you will only be opening the door for more crap from her in the future. And get her out of the bridal party. Anyone that isn’t totally happy for you and your FI doesn’t belong in the wedding party…or even at the wedding.
Post # 8
First of all, the jewelry never belonged to your FSIL and if it wasn’t given to her but the rest of the family collectively decided to give it to you, it’s yours. Do not give it back. She has no right to demand it back or assume that she ever would have gotten it in the first place. Let her be a BM if you don’t want to cause a huge family rift, but do not give the jewelry back. It means a lot to you, and you obviously mean a lot to your FILs if they gave it to you. FSIL needs to grow up and realize that the world doesn’t revolve around her. I highly doubt this is actually about the jewelry and more about her wanting to be the center of attention and feeling jealous of her brother and you. You are now a part of the family and have every right to the heirloom as anyone else.
Post # 9
Really it was given to your FI by his family, and he gave it to you. I get that she’s upset because she felt entitled (as, I’m guessing, the only sister) but if he’s the oldest, that’s just sometimes how heirlooms work. They wouldn’t be taking it from you, they would be taking it from your FI, who happened to have already given it to you. If this were my situation, I would tell my SO “It YOUR jewelry, they gave it to YOU” and hopefully he will reason with them that way. There’s no reason he should cave to some pressure caused by a hissy fit.
Post # 10
I think your FI needs to be the one to refuse to return the item, if you do decide to go that route. It shouldn’t be left to you to negotiate this family drama that really has nothing to do with you.
Post # 11
She is totally immature and it’s absolutely unfair. Still.. if it were me I’d probably give it back and not have her as bridesmaid. I’d sit down with my FI’s parents and tell them these two things were seperate issues. You love the heirloom, but to keep the peace you’re willing to give it back. ON A SEPERATE note, you’re having a lot of trouble with FSIL as a bridesmaid because of her behavior and it’s putting a strain on the whole bridal party. You feel that continuing to have her a part of the wedding party will just cause additional strain on your relationship with her and your families’ relationships with each other.
Post # 12
That’s ridiculous. I’d keep it. And definitely fire her as a bridesmaid. There’s no telling what sort of vindictive things she would be tempted to do when the day comes and the spotlight is on her.
Then again, if she did, it would make it pretty clear to all what kind of person she really is.
Post # 13
Maybe share it? You get it for 10 years, then she gets it for 10 years?
Post # 14
You should talk to the FMIL about it directly. If she genuinely thinks you should give it back to end the tension in the family, as sad as it is, I think you should do so. Otherwise (unfair as it is), you may end up getting blamed for the continued strife instead of the FSIL. For the sake of maintaining your relationship with your FI’s family, this will probably end up being for the best. And you’ll probably get major brownie points with the family. You don’t need to talk to the FSIL anymore.
Post # 15
I would return the heirloom. It’s techinically not yours, it’s theirs and while it’s shitty that they gave it to you without assessing the impact it would have on their daughter, it’s theirs to do with as they wish. I look at family heirlooms like that as conditional gifts.
I dont’ know your FSIL so maybe i’m giving her too much benefit of a doubt but frankly I would be really upset if my parents gave my brother’s FI sentimental family jewelry because as the girl in the family, I expect it to go to me. And frankly I’m not sure my brother would take such jewelry without clearing it with me first.
Post # 16
It depends who is asking you to give it back. If it’s her (on her own), don’t do it. If it’s the rest of the family, be the bigger person and give it back. It sucks, it’s RUDE, it’s ridiculous, and it’s enabling her to behave like a spoiled brat. Unfortunately though, while you’re not exactly marrying your FI’s family, you WILL have to spend time with them for the length of your marriage. Demonstrate to them why they were right to give it to you in the first place, and graciously give it back. Holding on to it at this point makes you look as big of a petulant child as she does right now.
As for the bridal party issue – kick her out and cut the drama from your lives. BUT – make your FI do it. It’s his sister, his responsibility to tell her she’s out, and HIS responsibility to TAKE responsibility for it – ie: Hey sis, you’re p!ssing me off and being a childish b!tch. You’re not respecting my future wife, and that is disrespectful to ME. I’d love you to be in attendance at the wedding, but I no longer feel right having you stand up there with us when you’re being so clearly unsupportive of our union.