Giving a child the stepfather's surname

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
2325 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

When my mum was 19 she had a baby (my sister) with the man she was seeing at the time. I believe they broke up before my mum knew she was pregnant so I have no idea if the father ever knew about my sister. My sister had my mums surname from birth. Roll on 7 years or so where my mum meets my dad and they get married. Both my mum and my sister take my father’s surname and they become a family unit. As far as our family is concerned, she is not my half-sister and my father is not her stepfather nor she his stepdaughter. He is her father and she is his daughter, she is our sister (mine and my other sister)

Your situation might be different if you aren’t totally convinced of her new husband, but I do think there if there isn’t a father involved and the new husband is going to be the only father they will have then fair is fair, especially if they plan on having children of their own. If they all have the same surname it might help them feel more part of the family rather than if they were the only one with a different one. 

 

ETA: it does seem kind of weird because grandma is looking after her. Would grandma be as bothered by the name change if she wasn’t caring for the child? I presume she does realise that if it was a happier situation and your sister had been married when she had her then she would have a different name to her anyway. 

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by  FromA2B2013.
Post # 3
Member
2261 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Keke84:  I agree she should have let B make that decision when he got older. I changed my last name to my stepdad’s last name when I turned 21. It was my way to show him he deserved to be my father and it will always be considered my maiden name.

Post # 4
Member
380 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015 - Historic house and gardens

My son has never had a father, his biological one walked out when i was 9 months pregnant. He is 10 now, and I have given him the choice to change his name to his stepfather’s once we are married. My parents will most likely not like this, but ultimitely it is my son’s choice. I will be taking my FIs name when we marry, so I would of course like my son to have the same name as me.

Post # 8
Member
1904 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - TTC #2

Keke84:  My mother married my stepfather when I was 6 (the same as your cousin;s child coincidentally!). I actually remember raising the conversation and choosing to inherit his surname since I didn’t want a different surname than my parents, and I wanted us to be a single family unit. My entire family supported me and my name was legally changed.

I never once thought it was a bad or strange thing, truthfully if I had had a different surname than my parents it would have drawn attention in my opinion. I had that surname for 21 of my years until I got married this year and I was very happy with it!!

This 6-year old is just as capable of making this decision as I was. I think he should be asked his opinion, as I think your name is a very important part of you.

 

Edit: Sorry, just re-read your post and saw that this stepfather is abusive as well as not actively being the father. In that case I don’t think the mother should pass on the surname for now, and that some time needs to pass to either allow the child to choose when he has spent enough time with the stepfather, or to see if this marriage will be long-lasting.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by  MrsYoshida. Reason: Didn't read original post clearly enough
Post # 9
Member
1302 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

i don’t really understand how this is really your business… 

Post # 10
Member
2325 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Keke84:  I definitely see your point. If he isnt going to be her father then why should he have the same name. After all, it’s probably the same reason why she doesn’t have her biological father’s surname. 

Post # 11
Member
642 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I kind of agree with PP, is it really any of your business? I understand your concern, but if your cousin has legal custody of her child (regardless of who is taking care of him), then it’s her decision and not really anyone else’s. You don’t have to agree with it.

Post # 12
Member
587 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Keke84:  If my mom had changed my name as a child to my step-father’s I would have been okay with it since I view him as my dad and do not have contact with my bio dad. In my case though my step-dad knew me since I was four and raised me as his own so I think that’s very different than getting married and giving your child the new husbands last name if the husband and child do not have a father/child relationship. In my case mom left my name as bio dads because I was 6 when they got married and was already used to my last name as was everyone else. I thought about having it changed as an adult but I’m getting married soon and will change to FI’s then so I don’t want to go through the hassle twice. 

To me, I think it’s a very strange situation to say the least. If she isn’t raising the kid she really shouldn’t be making those kinds of decisions. 

Post # 14
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Ironically, my son is 6 and we wonder if we should change his name. I never thought to ask him. I think that I will before we make any decisions… His biological piece of trash is not involved in any way. His actual dad has been in his life since he was 2 and is a wonderful parent. He has earned the consideration and honor of having my son have his name. I am torn though, because my son has my Dad’s name, who has passed and I love dearly. I will be hyphenating to keep my Dad’s name no matter what. I may hyphenate my son’s name, too. I don’t know for sure…

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