Giving a wedding present and shower present if you're a BM

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
3570 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Ugh I feel your pain.  DH and I are spending over 2K to go to a wedding we are not even in this summer.  Last year I was a BM for a close friend and between the shower, the wedding, and the bachelorette, I spent over $3,000.  I would chose a shower gift worth only $40-50 and give $150 as a wedding gift.  Gotta make cuts where you can!!

Post # 4
Member
6506 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

I am of the personal belief that people in the wedding party should not give gifts but I always have. I actually felt a bit guilty when all my BMs  got me shower gifts after throwing me such a wonderful shower.  I told them that standing up in my wedding was enough of a present buy they all still got us presents anyways.

 

Post # 5
Member
3084 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@sabz3003:  I always bought both. And I spent around $150 for a shower gift. 

Post # 6
Member
5697 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I don’t personally think that being in the wedding party gets you off the hook for giving gifts, but I certainly understand it just adding to the expense! I tend to bring my gift price down a bit if I’m in a wedding especially if I have done a TON of work. (like the one I was in last weekend where the MOH did basically absolutely nothing)

Post # 8
Member
4474 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

Most of my bridesmaids did not give me a gift and I was totally fine with that! I think $80 for a shower gift and then another $200 on wedding gifts is unbelievably insane, especially since you’re not even going to the shower! Honestly, if you really HAVE to send something to the shower, I would just buy something inexpensive off the registry. Perhaps your fiance can pay for the wedding gift on his own without a contribution from you after everything else. 

Post # 10
Member
10493 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2011

@sabz3003:  I would have just gone with a gift in the $50 range, especially if you could have gotten it on sale!  I don’t think any of my BMs had anything above that for my shower gift.

Can you maybe go in on a group gift for the wedding?  Sometimes a $300 gift looks a little better than a $50 one, even if it comes out to $50 per person.

Post # 11
Member
1304 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Well, it sounds like you would attended the wedding even if you weren’t in it.  And you probably would have had to get a shower gift too.  So, the incremental cost is really just dress, hair, makeup.

Post # 12
Member
12 posts
Newbee

@sabz3003:  They can deffo get expensive. That said, can you bow out of that $80 gift and send something small and cute instead? Just say you found something you think she will love and send that along? Like some engraved spoons off etsy that say “Mr. ____” and “Mrs. _____” or “I do” and “me too” of something adorable and less expensive along those lines? You aren’t attending the shower so I think it’s a bit rude for your fiance’s mama to tell you that you “shoud send a gift.” That rubs me the wrong way. However, if you want to send a small token, I wouldn’t be spending $80 on a shower gift if I wasn’t attending the shower (and understandably! You don’t even live in the same area!)

I also think it would be perfectly acceptable to keep the wedding gift around $100. Is there something on their registry that they have requested that is around that price range? 

That’s just me though 🙂 

Post # 13
Member
1466 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@sabz3003:  Wow! I never thought about it but I do not expect my BMs to get me shower presents or wedding presents or really any presents. That is not what it’s about. I think it’s perfectly acceptable also to get some little presents… I was in college when I went to my friend’s wedding and I got something from their registry that was $30. I was broke at the time. I now feel ashamed of myself because of the things people post on this website but I just didn’t think that weddings were all about gifts. Honestly, I expect that anyone who doesn’t have a job or still paying off school loans or is scraping by to make ends meet is not going to get a gift. And I certainly don’t expect it from my BMs who are working really hard to afford to be in my wedding. 

I guess I don’t know the situation, but I think it would be perfectly acceptable for you and your FI to spend less than $50 for her shower and $100 or less for their wedding. Weddings are expensive!

Post # 14
Member
3442 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I already feel so terrible about asking my best friends to spend $330 to be in my wedding ($130 for dress, shoes, & hair. $200 for plane tickets). I have made it very very clear that I do not want gifts from them. I think the best gift they could ever give me is to be by my side on the best day of my life, & write a beautiful speech for us.

I just think it’s really wrong for somebody in a wedding party to feel obligated to buy the couple a gift. It’s already such an expensive job as it is.

Post # 15
Member
243 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

Honestly, if one of my BMs didn’t get me a gift, I would assume it was because of the financial strain being a BM puts on a lot of people and certainly would not hold it against them.  You can afford what you can afford and being in the wedding should be enough in and of itself if it means that much to them.  It’s pretty much insane to blow your savings, much less put yourself into debt over this.

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