Post # 1
So I am a BM for my fiance’s cousin’s wedding.
Just for a bit of background, I am not really close to her at all, but my cousin is close to them. I wasn’t really “asked”.. They kind of just made me one and informed me. I went along with it because I would have said yes anyway even if they asked me formally, because I want to get closer to my fiance’s family.
Anyway, the thing is that it just hit me how expensive all of this is getting.. The bridesmaids dress, which is around $160, our plane tickets to fly there (the wedding is on the other side of the country) which will be around $600, accessories, hair, makeup etc will be MINIMUM another $150 if I just wear my own shoes (no worries, I have tons of great ones actually hehe!). So this is easily racking up to over $900.
So the other day it hit me that we also have to give them wedding presents, as well as bridal shower presents. I spoke to my fiance’s mother and she said that even though I am not attending the bridal shower, I should send gifts. So I asked her to buy something for around $80 and I’ll pay her later. Now my fiance and I have to buy the wedding presents, which will be $200 at least!! I told my fiance that this was all incredibly expensive, and that after paying for all our BM dresses and flights to attend etc, I dont think I’ll have any more money to buy presents and he got all offended.
Holy crap, I am going broke over this wedding!!!
Post # 3
Ugh I feel your pain. DH and I are spending over 2K to go to a wedding we are not even in this summer. Last year I was a BM for a close friend and between the shower, the wedding, and the bachelorette, I spent over $3,000. I would chose a shower gift worth only $40-50 and give $150 as a wedding gift. Gotta make cuts where you can!!
Post # 4
I am of the personal belief that people in the wedding party should not give gifts but I always have. I actually felt a bit guilty when all my BMs got me shower gifts after throwing me such a wonderful shower. I told them that standing up in my wedding was enough of a present buy they all still got us presents anyways.
Post # 5
@sabz3003: I always bought both. And I spent around $150 for a shower gift.
Post # 6
I don’t personally think that being in the wedding party gets you off the hook for giving gifts, but I certainly understand it just adding to the expense! I tend to bring my gift price down a bit if I’m in a wedding especially if I have done a TON of work. (like the one I was in last weekend where the MOH did basically absolutely nothing)
Post # 7
@MrsBeck: Same!! I am getting married next year and I told my fiance that there is no way I would expect my BMs to give me a gift! The fact that they will be travelling to come to my wedding and be with me is more than enough for me! I am even debating paying for their dresses. I dont want anyone to feel panicky or angry at the finances associated with being in my wedding.
@MrsTVLover: Oof, thats a lot!!!
Post # 8
Most of my bridesmaids did not give me a gift and I was totally fine with that! I think $80 for a shower gift and then another $200 on wedding gifts is unbelievably insane, especially since you’re not even going to the shower! Honestly, if you really HAVE to send something to the shower, I would just buy something inexpensive off the registry. Perhaps your fiance can pay for the wedding gift on his own without a contribution from you after everything else.
Post # 9
@star_dust: I asked fiance’s mother about the wedding shower gift thing.. Told her that “since there are a lot of expenses already associated, as you know.. BM dresses, flights, etc, how much do you think I should spend on her shower gift?”
And her response was “well since you are pretty much family now.. since you are her cousin, I would say anything between $80 and $120.”
So I just said, okay $80 it is.
And fiance keeps saying that his tux rental (he is a groomsman) is apparently costing more than my $160 dress, whenever I complain about how expensive this all is.. Sighhhh..
Post # 10
@sabz3003: I would have just gone with a gift in the $50 range, especially if you could have gotten it on sale! I don’t think any of my BMs had anything above that for my shower gift.
Can you maybe go in on a group gift for the wedding? Sometimes a $300 gift looks a little better than a $50 one, even if it comes out to $50 per person.
Post # 11
Well, it sounds like you would attended the wedding even if you weren’t in it. And you probably would have had to get a shower gift too. So, the incremental cost is really just dress, hair, makeup.
Post # 12
@sabz3003: They can deffo get expensive. That said, can you bow out of that $80 gift and send something small and cute instead? Just say you found something you think she will love and send that along? Like some engraved spoons off etsy that say “Mr. ____” and “Mrs. _____” or “I do” and “me too” of something adorable and less expensive along those lines? You aren’t attending the shower so I think it’s a bit rude for your fiance’s mama to tell you that you “shoud send a gift.” That rubs me the wrong way. However, if you want to send a small token, I wouldn’t be spending $80 on a shower gift if I wasn’t attending the shower (and understandably! You don’t even live in the same area!)
I also think it would be perfectly acceptable to keep the wedding gift around $100. Is there something on their registry that they have requested that is around that price range?
That’s just me though 🙂
Post # 13
@sabz3003: Wow! I never thought about it but I do not expect my BMs to get me shower presents or wedding presents or really any presents. That is not what it’s about. I think it’s perfectly acceptable also to get some little presents… I was in college when I went to my friend’s wedding and I got something from their registry that was $30. I was broke at the time. I now feel ashamed of myself because of the things people post on this website but I just didn’t think that weddings were all about gifts. Honestly, I expect that anyone who doesn’t have a job or still paying off school loans or is scraping by to make ends meet is not going to get a gift. And I certainly don’t expect it from my BMs who are working really hard to afford to be in my wedding.
I guess I don’t know the situation, but I think it would be perfectly acceptable for you and your FI to spend less than $50 for her shower and $100 or less for their wedding. Weddings are expensive!
Post # 14
I already feel so terrible about asking my best friends to spend $330 to be in my wedding ($130 for dress, shoes, & hair. $200 for plane tickets). I have made it very very clear that I do not want gifts from them. I think the best gift they could ever give me is to be by my side on the best day of my life, & write a beautiful speech for us.
I just think it’s really wrong for somebody in a wedding party to feel obligated to buy the couple a gift. It’s already such an expensive job as it is.
Post # 15
Honestly, if one of my BMs didn’t get me a gift, I would assume it was because of the financial strain being a BM puts on a lot of people and certainly would not hold it against them. You can afford what you can afford and being in the wedding should be enough in and of itself if it means that much to them. It’s pretty much insane to blow your savings, much less put yourself into debt over this.
Post # 16
Thanks ladies, your comments are making me feel better!
Whenever I mention it to my fiance, he gets offended, like I “shouldnt make it about the money” because he is spending the same, and he isnt complaining.
In his background/culture everyone just ends up spending so much on weddings, it stresses me out.