Giving Him an Ultimatum: Pros and Cons?

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
1266 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

While my FI didn’t have issues as serious as yours, it did take him a long time to feel ready.  I didn’t give an ultimatum because I never wanted to feel like he was proposing out of fear, but I did have a timeframe in my head where if we weren’t engaged I would have a serious talk about ending things. We have been long distance for a long time (finally moving in together this summer!) and I wasn’t willing to move without being engaged.  I was willing to wait a long time for him to be sure (he proposed just before our 6-year anniversary) but you can’t wait forever. <br />

Does your FI go to therapy in his own? It seem like your relationship and communication are good, but he has personal issues he really needs to sort through.

Post # 3
Member
5207 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

lovelyd126:  Don’t give him an ultimatum. That’s not fair, since you know he’s afraid of marriage. If you love this man you should let things progress naturally. You want the proposal (when he’s ready to do it) to be genuine – not just a gesture to get you to stop nagging. 

Post # 4
Member
8047 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

lovelyd126:  I’m confused because you said you are moving in this summer, then said you wouldn’t with out an engagement?

I would 100% not move in with out a ring and a date set. I feel like you’re already bending too much saying you can just get engaged but not plan- you don’t want to be stuck engaged but still waiting. Not living together is the one major card you still hold- if he wants all of you 24/7 he can marry you.

I would just enjoy your relationship, be happy but let him know with zero uncertainty that you will not wait forever and the deadline is creeping. Don’t tell him what that deadline is- just keep it to yourself. If you keep pandering to his uncertainty you just show him that it’s not really a big deal to you- he can do as he pleases.

good luck!

Post # 5
Member
8706 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

An ultimatum isn’t going to help you. He already, quite clearly, stated that he is afraid of marriage. Telling him, “Marry me by this date or I’m leaving you.” won’t make a switch flick in his brain and he’ll go, “Oh yeah! That’ll be a great idea!” I wouldn’t want somebody to marry me because I gave them an ultimatum.<br /><br />If this relationship is not going where you want it to, just leave him. No ultimatums, no deadlines, no demands, just leave. It is the kinder option for both of you.

Post # 6
Member
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

lovelyd126:  The man you are with has a fear of intimacy, obviously he does not fear commitment since he has been with you and is making all these plans but he does fear gettng closer because he has a fear of what he could possibly loose it does not work out. My fiancee was the same way, he’s quite a bit older then me, never been married and had his dad die as a little boy and watched his mom get cheated on. The guy you are with has a fear that is keeping from doing what he really wants to do, obviously he wants to get married and have is something he wants or he he would not be planning it, the reason he is putting off is because of fear and nothing else ( I assume your relationship is otherwise good). The truth about men ( I know also because I am a professonal matchmaker and have dealt with hundreds of men) is that we women are MUCH more resilient when it comes to heartbreak ( like wth his parents) andd men take heartbreak very hard and it’s much harder for them to deal with it.

It took my fiance until shortly before our fifth anniversary to ask me to marry him, but now he is more in love with me then ever. I gave him some ultmatims and cried during the four years but it always worked to scare him and nothing else.

Please do not give him an ultimatum, it will just work to scare him and will actually have the opposite effect on him, he needs to learn he can trust you and that you will always be there for him.

The best thing is to sit down with him and take his hand and tell him you much you apprecate having him in your life and that you don’t want to rush him to do anything until he is 100 percent ready and let him know in the meantime you are there for him when ever you need him

Post # 7
Member
8914 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

It’s easier said than done, but you need to separate his love for you from his readiness for marriage. They are really not the same thing. 

Now that you’ve said your piece, I would really reccomend stopping talking about it and letting him do his thing. He knows your timeline and will step up – and if he doesn’t, then I doubt you would have wanted to marry him by forcing him into it. 

FWIW, my now husband had similar issues with the idea of marriage. We knew this was the real deal though after many happy years together, and I was happy to chill til he was ready. He is now ecstatic to be married. 

Also, I would second PP’s suggestion of therapy for him to work through some of these unresolved issues. 

Post # 8
Member
1049 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

lovelyd126:  I would never try to force a man to propose to me, period.  If he didn’t want to propose and I was sick of waiting, I’d just walk away, especially if he’d broken several timelines we’d discussed.  I’d always feel like it wasn’t what he truly wanted to do.  

Post # 9
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I don’t ever think ultimatums are the right way to handle these situations, but I especially don’t in your situation. He’s not playing games, or being a dick…he is genuinely scared. Is that really how you want to enter into your engagement?

Post # 10
Member
2891 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

lovelyd126: I had a girlfriend with a similar situation as yours – after 8 years together (they were living together) it took a near death experience for her to realize that life was too short and that actions speak louder than words. 

She left and is doing incredibly well. I’m not saying you should leave or stay, but rather am asking:

What do you want out of life?

Is your relationship helping you get closer to that ideal life you imagine?

If your partner stays with you for life but can never commit to marriage, is that ok?

At the end of the day, he’s an adult and if he wanted to, can commit to you. If he can’t or won’t, just find someone who will be that life partner who will create the life you want, together.  No need for ultimatums. He knows the deal and if when you’re ready to move on, just do it. 

Post # 11
Member
1931 posts
Buzzing bee

I went through the exact same timeline…except I’m still stuck at the “Move In” section. He promised that an engagement would be coming soon as soon as I moved in with him- lo and behold, 9 months later, there’s no ring in sight. He’s even admitted that he pushed back the date from November to *maybe* next April-May, so I’m waiting well over a year longer than he promised. 

I was expecting a holiday proposal this year and it’s something that we absolutely agreed on (two years ago). Now that he’s broken that promise, we’re going to be having a long talk when it hits 2015 and we’re still not engaged.

Like your boyfriend, he always says that he wants to marry me and sees a future with only me but he too says he’s not ready to commit. The closer we get to the dates he chose, the more reasons he finds to back out of it. So yes, an ultimatum is sometimes necessary. I love him to death but I’m not willing to waste the remainder of my 20’s on someone that’s going to string me along for years and never commit. 

Post # 13
Member
282 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

My husband didnt want to get married and didn’t want to have kids which i had to decide if I was ok with. He has never seen a happy marriage as his parents had a very bitter divorce which kind of scarres him. I wouldnt say I have him an ultimatum but I knew him well enough to know that I wanted to get married in the next few years and if he didn’t want that to tell me. He proposed and I later found out he proposed because he was scared of losing me, not because he wanted to get married. That really hurt BUT I knew that he was just scared and a bit of a procrastinator lol so I tries to not take it to heart. We have been married for almost 3 wonderful years and he admits he had no idea why he was afraid of and that he loves being married! we are also pregnant with our first and he is ecstatic haha I think you need to know your man well enough to push then when they need pushing and back off when the need time

Post # 14
Member
2891 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

musician32992: I told my then-BF that if I moved in with him, I would hope that we’d be moving towards engagement and marriage. There is no pressure, however, the person who does not want to be married after a year or so of living together would need to move out. This was a big deal because we have a rent controlled apartment, which he got many years ago. 

So if I decided to end the relationship / not get married, I would need to leave. If he decided to end the relationship / he wasn’t ready for marriage, then he’d need to move out. It wasn’t an ultimatum so much as it was an understanding that was needed for me to move in. We got engaged after 9 months of living together. Maybe this is something you can discuss with your SO?

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