(Closed) Giving up

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
2385 posts
Buzzing bee

Aww things will get better.

Post # 4
Member
35 posts
Newbee

How long has it been since you haven’t talked about it?

What was your BF’s attitude when you did bring it up?

I’m not going to pretend that I know what waiting for 9 years feels like, because I don’t. I think you need to communicate with him *exactly* how you feel. You need to make a timeline with him, so you both are on the same page.

 

Post # 5
Member
529 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

oh my gosh – hon – 9 years IS a long time.

From what you wrote, you almost feel like it might be over soon in your heart. So what do you have to lose by brining up the subject again?

Set the mood though. Make dinner, dim the lights, pour the wine and say something like “I love you so much. Honey, is this forever?”

Seriously, I would be going nuts too. Hugs.

Post # 6
Member
981 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I am sending you internet hugs!  While I understand that you are trying to avoid a “Where’s my damn ring!” conversation, I think you have a right to ask about where he sees your relationship going because it’s your time too. I’m sorry you’re hurting, and I hope he is straight up with you.   

Post # 8
Member
529 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@Jewelz84: I see. Christmas isn’t that far away, so wait? And who knows? Could he have a holiday proposal in mind?

At any rate, It’s wonderful that you love him and he is wonderful to you.

However, so was my hubby when he was still my boyfriend. But I told him in no uncertain terms what the “conditions” were. I.e., I will move in with you only if we get engaged soon. I love you but you knew from day one that my goal is marriage and children. If you don’t want the same things then maybe we aren’t meant for each other.

But he did want the same things, proposed and here we are.

So I totally get how the commitment is important to you. If your honey is on the same page, it should be imporant to him too. If he loves you, truly, he will want to marry you and want to make you happy.

You could always just start mentioning it again in casual conversation and see what happens. When a ring commercial is on tv, say “Oh, I like that!” as loud as you can 🙂

Post # 9
Member
1671 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I know how you feel!!  I’m in the same situation with my SO.  I finally got out of him why he has not purposed.  It took awhile but at least I know now.  Have you asked your SO what is taking so long?  There could be something else perventing him from doing it.  Plus, these guys get so comfortable!!  I finalally realized for myself that I need to do my own thing!! So he can actually miss me and figure stuff out for himself.  He’s going to Texas today and I told him to get a refund for my ticket.  Until we are on the same page then I’m not going make him comfortable.  You should do the same.  Get out by yourself and have some fun without him.  I wish I had more advice but I’m in the same boat.  Good luck!

Post # 10
Member
1876 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Aw, I’m sorry – this can’t be easy. I think there are two issues to address here.

1. Are you SURE he’s the one? And that you’re not just sticking about because you don’t want to date again? You said feelings are fading, that worries me. Marriage isn’t going to be a big band-aid that will make it all better. I think you need to really think this through.

If you are positive he’s the one

2. I’d wait until after the holidays, and then have a serious talk. Let me know it’s been too long and you need a promise from him that a proposal will happen soon. Go ring shopping together. Start making plans. If he’s not willing to do this, he might not be ready for marriage. Or (i hate to say this) he might just not want to get married. ever.

Post # 11
Member
35 posts
Newbee

@Jewelz84:  I have given timelines to him before and I didnt stick with it, and I probably should have. I have a new timeline and its March 15th which is our actually 9 year anniversary… This time I will stick with it. I havent even told him that this timeline  exsists

I think you are going about it the wrong way. You BOTH need to sit down and work out a timeline together. Not you alone and then shoving your timeline down his throat. It doesn’t work that way.

You are in a relationship. A two way relationship. He needs a say in the direction (the timeline) your relationship is going, too!

JMO

Post # 12
Member
1729 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

So sorry you are having a rough time right now. 🙁 I see on your profile though that you are 26, so you started dating when you were 17, right? I would suggest trying to see things from a little bit different of a perspective — how many of those 9 years would you have been expecting a proposal? Certainly not when you were 19 or 20, and probably not even until you were 22, 23 ish. So how long has the prospect of marriage realistically been on the table?

I think if you give that some thought it might help you understand where your guy is coming from. He is probably thinking that you two are only just now coming into an age where he feels it would be appropriate to be married.

I would wait it out over the holidays before bringing up the subject again, in a very open, honest, clear and concise manner. And I have to say, if you asked me this a month ago, I would probably have given you a different answer! My FI gave me absolutely NO indication (until I accidentally found out) that a ring was coming around this time. The element of surprise was very important to him.

So try giving the benefit of the doubt for now (let’s say… until after new year’s?), and if nothing changes, then absolutely have an honest discussion with him about where things are going. Although with your anniversary approaching, if he tells you something that hints you need to wait just a bit longer, (“be patient!” or something), listen. Give him til the anniversary, then tell him what you need to tell him. And keep us all posted! 🙂

Post # 13
Member
1893 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

9 years is an exceptionally long time.  How old are the two of you?  I think he passed “eventually” about 4 years ago…

Post # 14
Member
1391 posts
Bumble bee

I think you have to talk to him, calmly, rationally and without deadlines or demands. But it should be a serious conversation. Wait until after the holidays and then tell him that you’re feeling both frustrated and disappointed. That you see yourself married to him and that it’s incredibly important to you. Ask him for his timeline. This is important. Listen to his answer. Really listen. Do not settle for replies like, “soon” or “I’m not sure.” Tell him  you need to know if this is something he expects to make happen within the next year, next 3 years, next 5 years, etc. Explain that for your own sanity and well-being, you need a direct answer from him. If he hems, haws, or tries to get out of it ask him directly if you’re asking him for too much. If he says yes….well, you have your answer. If he says no, let, tell him to think about it and you’ll ask him again in a week. Then, drop it and let it go for that week. But sit him down and ask him again a week later and if he still hems and haws, you once again have your answer.

I understand that it’s easy to get frustrated, annoyed, and angry at them for not understanding our every feeling. And while pestering and nagging is no good, neither is keeping it bottled up and acting like everything is great. If the two of you can talk and come to an agreement, “we’ll be engaged before this time next year.” for example, that’s great. Do that, then keep quiet about it. If he can share his plan or agree to a timeline that works for both of you, I doubt he ever will. What’s not a good idea is instilling an ultimatium that he knows nothing about and then magically expecting him to fulfill his end of the deal. Tell him how you feel. Find out how he feels. Then make a decision but keep him in the loop.

Post # 15
Member
391 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@artichokey:

I agree with your post. Things would be clear and settled with this approach for her.

The topic ‘Giving up’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors