Post # 1
I have recently got engaged and am having some major doubts. Based on what I will tell you about my situation I am certain people will tell me to leave and even my gut is sensing this may be the ‘right’ thing to do but I am unsure. So here goes…
I have been with my fiancé for 8 months, we met through a mutual family friend.at the time of meeting I was in a bad relationship that was rather abusive, not physically, I quickly fell for my fiancé and we were a couple within weeks. After 2-3 months I had moved in with him and he proposed in december.
For the most part things are good, I feel ive known him forever. However we have had and still do have certain issues. He believes me to be negative and even though I have worked on this for the whole time of our relationship it can still cause issues. I feel like I constantly have to watch what or how I say things and am weary about just being me. (In my last relationship I never felt good enough so this isnt helping)
The major issue for me is my fiancés temper. He is a postive and calm guy but has the ‘switch’ out of nowhere he can become very angry; shouting, swearing, hitting things ( not me). This happens about once a month/2 months. Even if I sit and dont respond to this it still happens and usually ends with him telling me to leave. This last happened a week ago. Usually when we talk aftwr he has calmed down it appears that something I have done made him behave that way. Last week it was due to me being moody for a few days, which I wasnt sure I had been. Hes always sorry and regrets it.
Also I have recently started to have feelings for someone else. I feel awful about this.
The reason I am still seeking advice is that im not too trusting in my own feelings at the moment and am very confused. I love my fiancé very much but is that enough.
Not sure if it matters im 28 and hes 35 years old.
Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Post # 3
@last_unicorn: You make him angry? Think about that…..You have feelings for someone else?…..
Post # 4
I think postpone the wedding at the very least, if not cancel it altogether. I think you need to take the time to work on the relationship, sort out the anger/negativity, and cut contact with this other person until you know where you stand with your relationship.
Post # 5
@last_unicorn: If I were you I would leave. 8 months into the relationship you should be sublimely happy, not spending time trying not to piss him off.
Post # 6
It seems like you’ve gone from one unstable relationship to another. I think you should move out and take some time to regain your self-esteem. Alone. Despite your feelings for someone else you need to be alone for a bit and maybe seek some therapy. Work out why you are with these type of guys and work out any issues you have that prevent you from being happy while alone. No one can make you happy if you can’t make yourself happy.
Oh and a life of walking on eggshells is no way to live.
Post # 7
It sounds like he has issues, it worries me that he’s hitting things and one day he mignt completely loose it and hit you 🙁 Is there anywhere you could stay whilst seeing if you can work this out?
Post # 8
@last_unicorn: I would postpone the wedding at least. Living with someone is the best way to get to know who they truly are, I’m sure you’ve heard that many times, but it couldn’t be more true. I would be concerned if he is behaving this way already. I would seriously think about moving out, it doesn’t sound stable at all.
Post # 9
You cannot live defensively in a situation where you cannot be yourself. You could try it for a while but either the real you would burst out or you would gradually become a shadow of your real self. Everyone has positive and negative moments and we are allowed to have both. People who really love us celebrate the positive with us and support us when we are feeling down.
There are three possible courses of action. The first is that your FI will have to find a way of changing his behaviour. I’m not sure this will happen. I notice that he is not taking responsibility for what he has done. He says that something you did made him behave in this way. I think that this is rubbish. And that thing about you being moody, something that you yourself didn’t notice. He’s just making excuses with the emphasis on blaming you. This has to stop or there is no way forward for you as a couple. I’m a little concerned about his need to shout, swear and hit things. It implies a lot of stored-up anger. I think he must seek professional help.
The second is that you leave. You don’t sound happy. If you were entirely certain about this man you wouldn’t have feelings for anyone else. You are exhausted by constantly having to watch what you say and do. This isn’t healthy. At least put the brakes on marriage until your FI has sorted out his behaviour and you have sorted out your feelings.
The third is that you jump ship and have a relationship with the other person. This could be wonderful or it could be a mistake. It could simply be too soon. Maybe you need a little time just to be by yourself and to be yourself. Breaking up with someone needs recovery time. If the other person really likes you he will wait until you are ready to consider relationships again.
Post # 10
- Wedding: December 2014 - Maui
I had a boyfriend just like that. He was generally a good guy, but he would get angry over the smallest things and it was somehow always my fault. He also had fits where he would shout and/or break/hit things too. I felt like I couldn’t be myself around him at all. I stayed with him for almost three years, and he did work on the shouting, but he never got over breaking things. At his worst he punched a glass door in our house and shattered it (also cutting his hand up), and he even shoved me and open hand slapped my arm once. He also never stopped blaming me for his anger. We got fed up with each other and called it quits, but I heard through the grapevine that he treated his next girlfriend in a similar manner. I think guys like this just don’t change, if anything they get worse in the future. I had a lot of doubts while I was dating this guy and tried to break up with him multiple times. I wish I had done it sooner. I think your guy has showed you plenty of red flags and you should listen to your gut and call the wedding off.
Post # 11
Oh my god youve only been together 8 months and he sounds like a total douche. Screw getting married. Just leave.
Post # 12
This sounds like a pretty clear cut case of Domestic violence to me, just without the hitting. From what you have described there is no doubt in my mind you should leave. Go pursue the other guy!
Post # 13
- Wedding: June 2014 - TTC #2
OP, I think you need to break up with him and do some soul-searching alone and just build up your confidence some more.
If he was The One you wouldn’t have to pretend to be someone you’re not and have to walk on eggshells around him. He sounds like a boyfriend, but he doesn’t sound like husband material. Also I think if he was The One you wouldn’t be developing feelings for someone else so soon.
Post # 14
I wanted to respond to the anger issue… Someone in my family has an anger issue. If he has a ‘switch’ then blames it on you – you are in for a bumpy ride. The anger is not brought on by you only. There may have been many things building up during the week or month in him then he needs to point the finger at someone. Usually the person it is easiest to point the finger at is the person who is closest to you. Misplaced anger is tricky to deal with. If the person feeling the anger takes no blame thats yet another issue. I my experience usually explosions of anger come from the person not feeling like they are being ‘heard’ and feeling insigniciant in some way. And they feel like an a angery rant will be the only way to get your attention almost like a 5 year old child. Nothing will change this behavior that you can fix by only talking to him. If he is ranting while you sit there quietly then he is putting on a show and needs an audience.
More times than not – for these issues the person must go to theropy and work on not having these outbursts. Its a process. Sometimes theres medication involved if the anger is linked to depression, etc. Like I said – bumpy ride.
Post # 15
@Casperbride: I feel if I say I need space or move out for a while it would be over anyway as he would prob believe if I need space we shouldnt be together. However hes away with work soon so I will have some space then. Thanks for your reply.
Post # 16
@NovaRising: +10000000 hit the nail on the head. It sounds like you already know what you should do. But i also really think you need to take some time to find yourself outside of a relationship.