Going crazy over waiting for my SO to propose!

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
716 posts
Busy bee

Why doesn’t he feel ready?  Important piece of information to understand if not feeling ready after 3 years is legitimate or BS that you should feel insulted by And absolutely not tolerate.

Post # 5
Member
716 posts
Busy bee

Well 25 is young, but these aren’t valid reasons.  Personally, I think 3 years is a critical juncture that you have to manage carefully or else you’ll be waiting forever.  You have to let him know that this will not be tolerated or you’ll be writing a post in a few years about how you’re frustrated because you’ve been waiting forever.  Women end up in those positions because they don’t manage their situations properly.

Post # 6
Member
2566 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

annakay023:  I somewhat disagree with jamb: . It’s very possible that he’s just not ready.  And you two are young!  Meaning that he’s still trying to get his s*** together. It’s not like you’re both in your early thirties waiting for a proposal.

Now, for my automatic reaction to your post:  Have you had the timeline conversation?  Such as, when you plan on having a stable job, buy a home, when you want to have kids by, and therefore when you want to be married by.  The timeline conversation is so crucial for any relationship wanting to move forward.

It sounds like he loves you, but he’s genuinely not ready.  Have a real conversation of what he wants in the next 5 years… and in that, I recommend you say that you want to be married.  Let him know where you’re intentions are at and let him know that you don’t want to wait longer than so many years to be married (but if you say that, you NEED to stick by that – no empty threats).

Now, I sort of disagree with “long engagements” without good reasoning, but that’s my personal opinion.  My SO knows that if we’re engaged, that means we’re planning a wedding, not just engaged “to be engaged” or because it’s the logical next step.  But that’s just me. I know it happens all the time.  

It sounds like “engagement” directly translates to “marriage is soon” to your SO.  The relationship isn’t only what you want, but what he wants too.  I think you just need to start having more open conversations about it.

And he LOVES YOU. Not all women get promise rings.  He’s showing what he wants and that he’s just not ready for it now.

Post # 7
Member
481 posts
Helper bee

annakay023:  Waiting was a living hell for me – there’s no gentle way to put it. Like you, I have anxiety and clinical depression (plus OCD, argh!), which made it so much worse. I waited on my partner for three years. I kept obsessing about something horrible happening: for example, I’d worry that he’d be in the hospital, and I wouldn’t be allowed in to see him, as I’m not his wife. Whenever someone told me to “slow down and enjoy this time”, I wanted to slap them – how is this miserable thing enjoyable?! Now that I am engaged, I still don’t see how that time could be considered enjoyable. “Stressful” is more like it! I definitely think anxiety and depression play a big part in making it so miserable for you.

I was also upset about it for feminist reasons. I waited on him for three years out of the 4.5 we’ve been together. I never even wanted a proposal or a ring: it was my partner who insisted on it. I would have been happy to go to the courthouse on a random day and get married then and there! I was angry that I had to wait around for him to do this thing just because society says it’s a man’s job to do. Damn, I was pissed! I was even angrier because I couldn’t talk to him about it! I was so scared I’d be “pressuring” (jeez, I hate that word) him. My partner is my best friend, and I talk about everything with him. Not being able to talk about the thing that was always on my mind was infuriating. When we finally did get engaged, the first thing I felt was relief. Not joy or ecstasy or anything like that (those came a few minutes later) – just relief. Like they write in crappy novels, “A wave of relief washed over me”!

The promise ring is definitely a step in the right direction. He’s willing to put his money where his mouth is, so to speak. It’s also an awesome sign that he’s willing to talk about marriage! I wish I had some helpful advice, but I was so awful at waiting, I don’t have anything helpful to say. Just know that you’re not the only one!

 

Post # 8
Member
271 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - Antique Rose Emporium

All I can say is, and don’t kill me, try to be patient.

FI and I are both 23, both knew we wanted to be together til the end of our lives, and we dated six years before he proposed. It was hard seeing everyone I knew get engaged and have babies, but my FI wanted to be really smart about it…financially and emotionally. We had to wait for the right timing even if we already knew we wanted to be married. I called him my pre-fiancé for a couple years haha. In our case, graduating college, him going to grad school, me starting a real career meant waiting on him getting a ring til the other stuff was dealt with. Now we are engaged and will be married next May.

people always are saying “About Time!!! What was the wait for?!?” Well you don’t want to go into an engagement if it will make you broke…burden you financially…you want to be happy and celebrate with no dark cloud hanging over. things like loose ends with school, moving, jobs, or a kidney donation could mean he just wants to feel secure with everything 100% before buying the ring. That’s how my FI is and I was so pushy trying to convince him we could handle being engaged. I wish I would have meddled less. I wanted to be engaged NOW, not wait for who knows how long. But really you don’t need a ring on your finger to know your bf is committed. Don’t let anyone…society, friends, family, pressure you into thinking a material object…jewelry, reaffirms your relationship. 

Post # 9
Member
29 posts
Newbee

I’d love to be your cheerleader, but I can’t be. My ex and I were your ages, together 5 years, discussed getting engaged and married too. There was A LOT Of pressure put on him by friends and family to propose to me. Well one day he decided he didn’t love anymore and that was that. 

 

Dont rush things! And you should be happy you got a promise ring. Show him you can be supportive and patient. Your already living together and comitted to getting engaged, the rest will come. If you aren’t engaged within a couple years, will that change how you feel towards him? if you’re that eager to get married so quickly maybe you’re wanting marriage for the wrong reasons. 

Post # 10
Member
12 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: February 2013 - State Park

This will probably be an unpopular opinion, but if I were you I’d be pretty irritated by a 25 year-old giving me a promise ring (especially when he knows how much you want him to propose); to me they’re for high schoolers or collage kids.  I don’t think 25 is too young; my husband was 25 when we got married and we have an awesome marriage.  

I have never understood when someone who is old enough and has been dating their partner for a while says “I love you, I want to marry you someday, but I’m not ready.”  What does that mean? Why wait if you know you want to marry the person?  To me it says they aren’t that sure yet, or maybe they want the feeling of being free and uncommitted so they keep their options open for a while? Maybe some people wait to save up for an expensive ring/wedding – we didn’t have either and I’m so glad we got married when we did rather than wait until we had more money.

Luckily you’re only 23 and have a lot of time; I’m older than my husband so maybe that’s why I was fine moving faster (we only dated a bit over 6 months…some people thought we were crazy!)

 

 

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by  Mrs.Sky. Reason: Spelling
Post # 11
Member
2726 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Mrs.Sky:  It’s not too young for some people, it is too young for others. Both opinions are valid.

Post # 12
Member
7 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Ok, my question is why do you want to marry him? Other than the fact that you have already been together for 3 years and living together for a bit, it sounds like “its just about time”. Have you met other people so you really know he is the one for you? What is it about him that you want so much to get maried? Also how are you on terms of your anxiety/mental health? I’ve been suffering from depression and think my SO wanted to be sure that we’ll be happy together -that I am making an effort to improve, with his suport- before getting married. The timeline advice from another user is a good idea, perhaps in is mind once you’re engaged then you get married and have children right away? Are you ready/stable enough for children, if you want any?

Post # 13
Member
481 posts
Helper bee

Mrs.Sky:  Yep, this 100%.

No one *has* to save up for a fancy wedding or big ring – a courthouse wedding is under $100, and pawn shops have affordable rings. 

I disagree with the notion that people must have all their ducks in a row before marriage. There will always be another promotion to get, more money to save, a better house to buy, etc – with that mindset, people might as well just wait around until age 90 to marry. I don’t understand what’s so wrong with getting your ducks in a row and accomplishing goals *together*, after marriage. 

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