Post # 1
Why does it seem that going from dating to engaged make everyone so stressed out? I understand that it is one of the top five life changes and therefore stressful, but it seems to not only stress out the bride and groom to be but their families as well. The extended family is tickled pink, but our immediate families? Not so much. I guess I do understand why it is stressful (my first degree is in psychology for goodness sake) but I feel the need to talk about it a bit.
My Fiance and I are not allowed to live together at 31 years old. That’s right. 31! My family and I don’t see anything wrong with it but my FI’s parents (mom in particular) are very traditional. He says it would be a “slap in their face” if we were to live together when we know how they feel. So out of respect we are not. So, no big deal right? Well, to make this post as short as possible…I had my own place, a nice place. But I was living right at my means. Maybe a little above. MY Fiance is getting ready to buy the house he lives in so his money is tied up in it. We are paying for the wedding ourselves and a money solution was needed. So I moved back home with my parents for the next year until we get married. This is saving me about $700/mo! Awesome right?! Well kind of.
My parents live 45 min away from where I work and go to school and where my Fiance is. I also have two dogs (adult golden retrievers.) Any other pet owners here know that our animals are our kids. My mom also has dogs and has welcomed us back with open arms. My Fiance likes my dogs but he is more of a cat person. He has 2 cats and I have 1. My kitty is now living with him and my dogs with me. Anyway, I am now commuting to work and school but I occasionally stay the night with Fiance (it’s ok as long as his parents don’t find out.) Side note: his brother lives with him and his gf shacks there all the time.
When I lived in town and had my own place, I would stay with Fiance and bring my dogs with me. Now he says his mother made him promise that I wouldn’t bring the dogs over until we’re married. She is not an animal person, period. He is loyal to her and agreed. They see it as, since I live with my parents, my parents can watch my dogs when I’m out of the house. I suppose that’s reasonable since his parents think I don’t sleep over. Also his brother isn’t a huge fan of the dogs either. I don’t like being away from my dogs and I miss then terribly when I stay at his place but he won’t bend. Another side note: my dogs are well behaved, don’t mess in the house, don’t chew things they are not suppossed to. Their only problem is, according to his family, they are big.
So point of all this: My mom got upset this morning because the way work/school/weather falls this week, I’m planning on staying with Fiance from tonight until Monday morning, then I’ll come home. She started crying, said she is so mad at him about this new rule of no dogs; she sees me giving up everything (ie my house), while he “hasn’t had to give up anything, gets laid then sends you on your way.” Quote un quote!! I usually know what to say to make things better for her. But I was totally at a loss for words. She made it clear she was upset about the whole thing and it’s easier when I’m here. She said she’s mad at him for always doing what his mom says and making this new dog rule and is afraid I’ll give up more for him, even the dogs, I will tell you THAT will NEVER happen.
There isn’t much I can say to change the way she feels. Any advice? Have any of you bees found this process more stressful then happy? What is/was you situation? What have you done about it?
Post # 3
Is your Fiance living with his parents? If he is, then it is his moms’ right to not want dogs in her house. If he lives in his own then I think his mom is being super controlling and he needs to tell her that it’s nne of her business whether or not your dogs come over to his house. But this doesn’t really sound like an issue about being engaged – just about him letting his mom stick her nose where it doesn’t belong, he is allowing her to have more control over what goes on in his house than his soon to be wife, and that is a problem. He needs to realize that you two are going to be a family making your own choices – wouldn’t it be weird if his grandparents tried to give rules about what is allowed all the time at his parents’ house? (again, assuming he doesn’t live with her)
As far as the poll question goes…I have the opposite problem! Mother-In-Law loves our dog so much she stops by our house to pick him up and take him for walks or to get groomed or whatever. Because who doesn’t love their Mother-In-Law in their house, with no warning, when they’re not even home? Yeah, it’s lovely.
Post # 4
It seems to me you’re doing all the compromising in this situation because your Fiance is unable to go against his family’s wishes. Your mother is completely right in my opinion, he is putting his family before you.
I can see where he is coming from about not living together. While I don’t agree with it I’d let that slide. However, unless his family lives with him they should have no say as to whether you can bring your dogs over there. That’s just ridiculous. It’s also putting a burden on your parents to care for the dogs, which is completely unfair to them.
I think you need to have a serious talk with you Fiance about this whole situation.
Post # 5
i have to agree with the pp, regardless of wether ure staying the night or not, ure dogs go where u go and its not any of his mothers business, tell him that looking after the dogs is putting a strain on ure mother and although ure happy not to liv3e with him, either the dogs come stay when u do or u dont stay. harsh but effective
Post # 6
No my Future Mother-In-Law is actually not with us anymore, but I think she would have loved our four legged family memebers.
Post # 7
I think your Fiance needs to stand up to his mom a bit. I understand that she doesn’t want you living together, and you two have agreed to appease her in that, but setting rules for your FI’s house/apartment that negatively impact you and your mother? That’s so not okay. You two are adults and if your Fiance is okay with the dogs coming over (which I can’t imagine him not being since they are like your kids – I completely understand that as I have my own four-legged child), then she is way overstepping trying to set her own rules regarding the dogs or FI’s house in general. It’s not her place to set rules over. Sounds like she needs to let go a little and Fiance is going to have to have a part in her seeing that.
Post # 8
Thanks for all of the advice bees. I sure love it here. I can get outside opinions, You are really becoming a great part of my life!
Back to the post: He does not live with his folks. The house he lives in belongs to his great aunt. She has Alzeimers and his parents are her care takers and executors of the estate (she has no children or other family.) So at this point FI’s parents essentially own the house. He will be buying it as soon as the construction on the new bathroom is complete and it is appraised. Him buying the house at full appraisal value is what will pay for great aunt’s nursing home expenses. FI’s brother also lives there and doesn’t care for the dogs because they are big (it’s not a huge house.) Future Brother-In-Law also complained that they poop in the yard. I hired a pooper scooper and then Fiance and Future Brother-In-Law got mad that I was “wasting money” on that. Well, I work 12 shifts over night and go to school. I don’t want to pick up poop myself so I hired it done, with MY money. Didn’t matter. Arg.
My Fiance and I get along BEAUTIFULLY when it is just us. Add my family or his family and conflict arrises. He should buy the house early next year. When that happens and his brother moves out, I will put the pressure on to let the dogs back over. But he also said his brother can stay until we get married. Until then, his mother reminds him it’s “not his house yet.” What’s funny is my Fiance had a dream of having his home be what I call the “(his last name) family compound.” He pictured him and I and his brother and his brother’s gf living there happily under one roof (a small 3 bedroom 2 bath roof.) He wants the extra income (he is a tight but, which does balance me out.) But seriously?! I’m not going to be married and live with other people. His brother didn’t like the idea either so Fiance has conceeded.
Damn families. But where would we be without them?!
Post # 9
I’m sorry but if it were me, I’d stop staying over there until I could bring my dogs with me. I don’t know what else to say except I’m sorry you are having to deal with this! I would be beyond aggravated.
Post # 10
@AJA1128: I think it’s odd that his mother is telling you to not bring your pets over in a house she’s not living in. This is something you and your Fiance need to sit down and discuss. I don’t think it’s fair to you that there are no compromises whatsoever. What’s going to happen when you two are finally married? You two are to live your own life and make your own decisions. You are certainly old enough. FI needs to have a talk with mommy dearest as well.
I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this. I can’t imagine having to deal with a situation like this. I probably would’ve exploded by now. Good luck.
Post # 11
Wow. It’s time for your Fiance to stand up to his parents. He is an adult and doesn’t need mom and dad setting the rules.
Post # 12
Yeah, I ‘ve got to say, this dynamic wouldn’t work for me at all. Seems like he chooses his family over you, and that won’t change with marriage. I doubt his mother will change her ways even when he buys the house. Then you get married, living in HIS house with HIS rules….ugh
Post # 13
He needs to stand up to his parents. I can’t even imagine my parents telling us what rules to make in my own house. If your dogs will live there when you’re married, they should be allowed to visit now.
She sounds like a gem!
Post # 14
I think that your Fiance needs to realize that the dogs are not going anywhere and that his brother can deal with them for a few days at a time. Especially if you are hiring someone to clean up after them. It seems a little ridiculous that he is letting everyone make such a big deal out of this when they are the ones that have a problem with you two living together, not you.
Post # 15
But what about your wishes? It doesn’t seem like any of your wishes are being considered? He needs to stand up to his mom – otherwise, he will always pick his mom and her demands/requests over yours.
Post # 16
I’m totally confused as to where his mom has any say in any of this. You’re both grown adults, and you should be able to sleep over and bring a menagerie with you if you wish. Fiance needs to stand up to his mom for sure.