Post # 1
So my partner and I have been together for 8 years (we are both 26) We have a really good relationship, own a home together and get on well with each others families. We have always discussed that we would eventually get married, have children etc, however it is only over the last six months that it has really been on my mind that we haven’t taken the next steps. Over this time I have been bringing up ‘our wedding’ more, and even showed him some rings that I liked.
Over the past couple of weeks it has really been getting to me, so I asked him if he had any plans regarding timelines etc. His response shocked me – that he was not going to propose whilst I was nagging him about it! My response was that he has had over 7 years of me barely mentioning getting married, other than when we had general ‘one day’ discussions.
Now I am so unsure what he wants, he said that he does want to get married but wants the proposal to be a surprise. He is not interested when I show him rings, and when I told him that I didn’t want a store bought ring he said ‘you’ll get what you get’ (I’m not sure if this was a joke or not!).
I don’t know if I’m being too harsh on him, I’m trying not to think about getting married too much, however we have always said that we would like our first child before I am 30, and I would want to be married before this so we don’t have too much time if we are going to stick to our plan. Should I shut up and wait a little longer or accept that for us marriage is not on the cards?
Post # 2
Girl I’m in the same boat.. haven’t been with my Bf for 8 years but I’m 26 and he’s 28 and we’ve been together 2 years. He said the same thing if I talk about it it won’t be a surprise and he’s so adamant about making it a surprise. I’m just trying to keep my mouth shut until January and if he hasn’t proposed by then then I’m going to have a serious talk about where he sees this relationship is going because I don’t wanna be having kids well into my 30’s!
Maybe set a month and if nothing has come up or been talked about seriously then you can have a talk with him and see where he is at and what he’s thinking
Post # 3
He’s being an ass.
Marriage is about two people. This is your life and your relationship. You have every right to be involved in discussions about when marriage will happen and if he’s not willing to discuss it with you like a mature adult, then maybe you should be rethinking the relationship.
It is not at all unreasonable for you to want to have a discussion about when a proposal is coming. If he wanted it to be a big surprise then perhaps he shouldn’t have waited 8 years. And I don’t think proposals should ever be a complete surprise anyway. Marriage is a huge life-long commitment. Two people should discuss it (a lot) before getting engaged.
And his comment about the ring was incredibly off-putting. Does he frequently completely disregard your wants and feelings?
I would have a very serious conversation with him ASAP where you make it clear that his responses thus far have been completely unacceptable. That marriage is a big deal for you and that him claiming you are nagging him by wanting to have a conversation about it after 8 YEARS is insulting.
Post # 4
alicebee123 : oh you’re “nagging” him? Eff him, the surprise train sailed years and years ago…
I would not put up with that, but then again I would not have made a life/bought a house/ remained many years with someone who didn’t formally commit…
Expecting some grand proposal/ gesture at this late juncture seems silly. Worse yet is him holding marriage over your head like a grand prize he will bestow. Speaks volumes about the dynamic inequality/power disparity in your relationship. He obviously knows you’ll put up with it. I would be insulted and hurt. I would start untangling my life from his right now. It’s never too late to get your self-esteem and your power back. Good luck.
Post # 5
I’m sorry OP, but if he wanted to get married I think he’d be excited about it and want to talk to you about it. He can get an idea of what rings you like and the two of you can set a deadline and the proposal can STILL be a surprise! Just because you give him a ring style / store or website you want it from won’t mean that you know the exact ring he’ll pick. And just because you have a deadline set 6+ months in the future won’t mean you’ll know the when the proposal is coming.
My honest opinion is that he’s making excuses and doesn’t have any desire to propose or get married. I know how much that sucks to hear 😕
Post # 6
hikingbride : your comments are pretty much what I’ve said to him, that 8 years is too long to be waiting for a surprise and that he should be able to give me a timeline.
The thing is I truly do think that he wants to get married and that he will propose. The ring comment really shocked me as we have a very equal relationship and he never shuts me down like that (partly why I think it was a joke).
Post # 7
alicebee123 : you obviously don’t have the “equal” relationship you think you do as HE is unilaterally determining IF and WHEN your relationship will lead to marriage…
Post # 8
QueenBee32 : ugh, so sorry that you are going through this too! Hopefully yours doesn’t keep you waiting too long!
I have set a timeline in my mind for January, he has planned a holiday to Iceland which is my absolute dream trip (this was also supposed to be a surprise! He had to tell me when I was putting in my card details to book flights there as I’m so desperate to go!) so I figured if he has not proposed by the end of January then I will be asking serious questions.
Part of me also suspects that he may propose in Iceland – it literally is at the top of my bucket list to see the Northern Lights and he is very aware of this.
Even if by January he has not proposed, it’s not necessarily a deal breaker for our relationship. I just really need to know either way if marriage will be part of our future. As I have said in another response he has shown me huge commitment in other parts of my life.
Good luck to you and I really hope that your time is soon! X
Post # 9
alicebee123 : wow that sounds incredible! I bet he will propose there. That would be amazing! Thank you, i hope so too 🙂
Post # 10
Actions speak louder than words. Did he do anything to really prove to you he does want to get married? Saying he does doesn’t really mean much to be honest. You can’t really tell whether he’s just waiting around for the next best thing or if he’s really serious. I would have a serious dicussion with him about the direction of the relationship.
Post # 11
“You’ll get what you get”???
Maybe the douchebag routine is to throw you off, but I sincerely doubt it. 8 years is about 5 years too late for a surprise proposal. You aren’t nagging, he’s being a spoiled little brat because he wants to be the one making all the decisions.
I’d be heavily considering a “surprise!” dumping if I were in your shoes.
Post # 12
alicebee123 : maybe he was in a bad mood when he said ‘you’ll get what you get’ on the ring. You’ve been togther 7 years, and people act differently to each other after that time vs something like 7 months.
If he is typically considerate and respectful about your feelings and this is unusual behavior for him, then it’s up to you if it’s a deal breaker or not. If it was me, I think I’d go with your plan to see what happens in January, then go from there. Sometimes it hard to know when it’s important to keep a timeline and when it’s not. I know a woman that waited something like 12 or 13 years for her guy to marry her and she’d call crying over it off and on the entire time. You know what’s best for you, just make sure what you do or don’t do is based on what you want in your heart of hearts. I hope he proposes on the trip! Good luck!
Post # 13
averria : thank you, I’m going to give it a week or so and have a proper discussion with him. He does talk about our wedding often, I’m not really sure what action he could take without actually proposing.
beesaredyingatanalarmingrate : If he had proposed 2 years ago I would have said no for sure. We have been too busy travelling, him setting up his own business and me taking huge career steps for either of us to be ready for marriage until about a year ago.
keepingitreal8675309 : yes i suspect he was, he has had a lot of work related stress over the last couple of months, however as he never vents this towards me his response did shock me. I agree with your comment, I think as we have been together for so long people assume that I have been ‘waiting’ for this whole time. In reality it’s only been over the last year where I have myself felt ready to take the next steps in our relationship.
Post # 14
alicebee123 : not going to lie bee you are fronting you would not have said no if he perposed 2 years ago. You know it’s been to long and your trying to save face now. I’m sorry bee even not liking the advise you get its better to be real.
Post # 15
My husband and I had a similar timeline. He didn’t propose until we had been together for almost 7 years. We knew we were getting married but he didn’t become truly successful in his career until year 5 of our relationship. We did not want to put ourselves into debt for the sake of getting married. He waited until he was able to pay cash for my ring and a sizeable budget for the wedding in savings. It made the entire planning process much easier knowing we had everything covered ahead of time.
Do you think maybe it’s a money thing? You said he was setting up his own business which can be financially trying for most. It could also help explain his defensive remark of you’ll get what you get. Just a thought. I hope everything works out for you guys!