Going nowhere?

posted 2 weeks ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
63 posts
Worker bee

Girl I’m in the same boat.. haven’t been with my Bf for 8 years but I’m 26 and he’s 28 and we’ve been together 2 years. He said the same thing if I talk about it it won’t be a surprise and he’s so adamant about making it a surprise. I’m just trying to keep my mouth shut until January and if he hasn’t proposed by then then I’m going to have a serious talk about where he sees this relationship is going because I don’t wanna be having kids well into my 30’s! 

Maybe set a month and if nothing has come up or been talked about seriously then you can have a talk with him and see where he is at and what he’s thinking

Post # 3
Member
6799 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

He’s being an ass.

Marriage is about two people. This is your life and your relationship. You have every right to be involved in discussions about when marriage will happen and if he’s not willing to discuss it with you like a mature adult, then maybe you should be rethinking the relationship.

It is not at all unreasonable for you to want to have a discussion about when a proposal is coming. If he wanted it to be a big surprise then perhaps he shouldn’t have waited 8 years. And I don’t think proposals should ever be a complete surprise anyway. Marriage is a huge life-long commitment. Two people should discuss it (a lot) before getting engaged.

And his comment about the ring was incredibly off-putting. Does he frequently completely disregard your wants and feelings?

I would have a very serious conversation with him ASAP where you make it clear that his responses thus far have been completely unacceptable. That marriage is a big deal for you and that him claiming you are nagging him by wanting to have a conversation about it after 8 YEARS is insulting. 

Post # 4
Member
1007 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

alicebee123 :  oh you’re “nagging” him? Eff him,  the surprise train sailed years and years ago…

I would not put up with that, but then again I would not have made a life/bought a house/ remained many years with someone who didn’t formally commit…

Expecting some grand proposal/ gesture at this late juncture seems silly. Worse yet is him holding marriage over your head like a grand prize he will bestow. Speaks volumes about the dynamic inequality/power disparity in your relationship. He obviously knows you’ll put up with it.   I would be insulted and hurt. I would start untangling my life from his right now. It’s never too late to get your self-esteem and your power back. Good luck.

Post # 5
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee

I’m sorry OP, but if he wanted to get married I think he’d be excited about it and want to talk to you about it. He can get an idea of what rings you like and the two of you can set a deadline and the proposal can STILL be a surprise! Just because you give him a ring style / store or website you want it from won’t mean that you know the exact ring he’ll pick. And just because you have a deadline set 6+ months in the future won’t mean you’ll know the when the proposal is coming.

My honest opinion is that he’s making excuses and doesn’t have any desire to propose or get married. I know how much that sucks to hear  😕 

Post # 7
Member
1007 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

alicebee123 :  you obviously don’t have the “equal” relationship you think you do as HE is unilaterally determining IF and WHEN your relationship will lead to marriage…

Post # 9
Member
63 posts
Worker bee

alicebee123 :  wow that sounds incredible! I bet he will propose there. That would be amazing! Thank you, i hope so too 🙂 

Post # 10
Member
1183 posts
Bumble bee

Actions speak louder than words. Did he do anything to really prove to you he does want to get married? Saying he does doesn’t really mean much to be honest. You can’t really tell whether he’s just waiting around for the next best thing or if he’s really serious. I would have a serious dicussion with him about the direction of the relationship.

Post # 11
Member
381 posts
Helper bee

“You’ll get what you get”???

Hells no. 

Maybe the douchebag routine is to throw you off, but I sincerely doubt it. 8 years is about 5 years too late for a surprise proposal. You aren’t nagging, he’s being a spoiled little brat because he wants to be the one making all the decisions. 

I’d be heavily considering a “surprise!” dumping if I were in your shoes. 

Post # 12
Member
303 posts
Helper bee

alicebee123 :  maybe he was in a bad mood when he said ‘you’ll get what you get’ on the ring. You’ve been togther 7 years, and people act differently to each other after that time vs something like 7 months.

If he is typically considerate and respectful about your feelings and this is unusual behavior for him, then it’s up to you if it’s a deal breaker or not. If it was me, I think I’d go with your plan to see what happens in January, then go from there. Sometimes it hard to know when it’s important to keep a timeline and when it’s not. I know a woman that waited something like 12 or 13 years for her guy to marry her and she’d call crying over it off and on the entire time. You know what’s best for you, just make sure what you do or don’t do is based on what you want in your heart of hearts. I hope he proposes on the trip! Good luck!

Post # 14
Member
1704 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

alicebee123 :  not going to lie bee you are fronting you would not have said no if he perposed 2 years ago. You know it’s been to long and your trying to save face now. I’m sorry bee even not liking the advise you get its better to be real.

Post # 15
Member
16 posts
Newbee

My husband and I had a similar timeline.  He didn’t propose until we had been together for almost 7 years.  We knew we were getting married but he didn’t become truly successful in his career until year 5 of our relationship.  We did not want to put ourselves into debt for the sake of getting married.  He waited until he was able to pay cash for my ring and a sizeable budget for the wedding in savings.  It made the entire planning process much easier knowing we had everything covered ahead of time. 

Do you think maybe it’s a money thing?  You said he was setting up his own business which can be financially trying for most.  It could also help explain his defensive remark of you’ll get what you get.  Just a thought.  I hope everything works out for you guys!

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