Going nowhere?

posted 2 weeks ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
30 posts
Newbee

I hate when men say you’re nagging them but refuse to talk about it because it’s supposed to be a “surprise.”  The surprise ship has long sailed after eight years!  Should the day of the proposal be a surprise?  Sure.  Should it be surprising that he’s going to propose?  Not at all. 

I’d recommend sitting him down and telling him that it takes two to tango and it’s not fair to you to be left in the dark about something as important as marriage.  He should be able to talk about it and recognize your feelings.  You’re not asking for the day and time he’s going to propose, you’re asking what to expect out your life.  From there you can see what he says and how he responds and see what will work best for both of you.

Post # 17
Member
5581 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

alicebee123 :  

I think you’re doing a *lot* of projecting.  The Iceland/Northern Lights proposal is your fantasy, not his.  Your feeling that he really is going to propose is born of your fantasy.  He has done nothing to even suggest such a thing.

As for your relationship–is it really comfortable to you?  My suspicion is that he’s the one who set things up the way *he* wanted them with you in the role of passenger.

‘You’ll get what you get’?

WTF kind of response is that?  If he’s ‘joking’ a.) it’s not funny, and b.) he should have clued you in once he realized your feelings were hurt.  As anyone’s would be.  Sorry, OP, I don’t think you can make the jokey thing fly.  However, you can simply *ask* him.

If he hasn’t proposed by January, then what?

I have zero tolerance for these guys who think they can shut you up about marriage by accusing you of nagging.  These are real, grown up issues.  If he’s adult enough to own a house with you, he can talk about your future.  This crap of “you’ll get a ring only if you’re a good little girl” is disgusting.

I have my doubts as to whether the rest of your relationship is as equal as you claim.

 

 

 

Post # 19
Member
329 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2004

alicebee123 :  It doesn’t matter if it’s only been a week that you’ve been ‘waiting’ it’s your life and he’s saying you don’t have a say in it.  That’s beyond insulting and unacceptable.  Do not let him make you feel like you do not get a full vote in your life & relationship.

Post # 20
Member
29 posts
Newbee

By 8 years he should know if he wants to spend forever with you. Remember an engagement doesnt have to mean marriage in 12 months, It means ‘you’re engaged to be married by whichever date you choose’ Money really shouldnt be a factor unless you need/want to have an expensive ring.

Also the comment, “you’ll get what you’ll get” was really harsh, next time he pulls something like that speak up and tell him that really hurt your feelings (I’m hoping it was a joke) Good Luck! <3

Post # 21
Member
2226 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

I feel like you need to talk to him seriously about this rather than dropping hints and secret comments.

Sit down and discuss this as adults, so there is no way he can interpret it as ‘nagging’

Post # 22
Member
1292 posts
Bumble bee

“Even if by January he has not proposed, it’s not necessarily  a deal breaker for our relationship. I just really need to know either way if marriage will be part of our future”—- so you’re willing to have children and never get married?

Post # 24
Member
208 posts
Helper bee

You’ve been with him for 8 years and never really asked him about marriage for 7 of those years. And when you bring it up he says to stop nagging you? I would shut that down real fast. 

I’m a little confused because you said you guys wanted children before you’re 30 but be married first but then you said no marriage isn’t a deal breaker, so which is it? 

If you guys came to an adult, calm conclusion to just not marry that’s one thing. But it’s another if he talks and talks about marriage “in the future”, tells you you’re nagging when you bring up when, and then eventually says he doesn’t want to get married. That would be a problem because he should’ve told you that from the beginning. 

Post # 25
Member
71 posts
Worker bee

Okay Bee.  I’ll tell you what I know about guys.  In my experience, when a man really wanted something, he’d do whatever he could to get it.  He doesn’t need to be nagged, convinced, cajoled or even given an ultimatum.  He just gets on with it if he can and if he can’t, he sure will do everything in his power to make it happen.  Again, that’s when he wants something…..he’s motivated.  Do what you will with that info. 

Post # 26
Member
240 posts
Helper bee

Yeah I say he is stalling and does not want to get married. Saying you’re nagging him because you essentially want to know if the relationship is going anywhere is ridiculous. For F#*& sakes grow up, man. 

Post # 27
Member
162 posts
Blushing bee

I agree with hikinggirl that an engagement is something you both should talk about extensively! ANd that doesn’t have to take away from the “surprise!” My boyfriend and I have talked a LOT about our upcoming engagement and making sure we were ready and where we wanted to be for it. 

I gave him a Google doc filled with links of rings I did and didn’t like and notes on each one, which he appreciated because he respects how much the ring means to me (we’re using my Grandma’s diamond, so I want the setting to look right) and that I have a lot of style factors that he would never consider (practicality factors).

He still wants to make it a surprise, and has gently told me that we’ve discussed the topic thoroughly enough to where he knows what I want and that I don’t need to bring it up more. He NEVER said I was nagging and I can still bring it up if I feel as if there’s something more to say. I fully support having a surprise and am trying not to figure anything out in order for that to happen.

My best suggestion is to bring up the topic when his mind is not stressed or consumed by something else (such as work), and to be firm. You have every right to be a voice in this topic, and he should not be brushing off your concerns or opinions on it!

Post # 28
Member
303 posts
Helper bee

I asked my husband what he thought of this and he thinks you should surprise your partner and be the one to propose!

Post # 29
Member
4238 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 1997

So… if he doesn’t ask you to marry him, you’re okay with that? You want to have children with a man who won’t commit? You want to have a family with someone who you may not even have the right to see if he lands in the hospital (depending on how his family feels)? You don’t want automatic inheritance rights if you have children? 

In other words, if you will take no action if he never wants to get married, and it has been 8 YEARS and he hasn’t bothered to ask, why would he change anything now? He doesn’t want to get married and you are disappointed for a little while but change nothing? And you have allowed him to completely control the discussion and shut down any discussion of what you want? Yeah, if he wanted to marry you, he would have asked. If he cared about you as an equal partner, he would discuss it. But you yourself are pretty much admitting that you’ll accept table scraps if that’s all he offers. You ought to value yourself more.

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