Post # 1
I am hoping to get everyone’s feedback. I am a newlywed. My husband works very long hours, so when the weekend rolls around I am just happy to be able to spend some time with him. Occasionally, he goes out with his mostly single male friends to the bars on the weekend without me and stays out til 3 or 4 AM, sometimes crashing at a friend’s place. I am of the opinion that it is inappropriate for a married man to be going out to the bars until all hours of the night without his wife, and even more so when it doesn’t end in his coming home at the end of the night. Something like happy hour would not bother me.
At the same time, I also believe it is important for a couple to maintain their friendships and to not have to spend every waking moment together (which we don’t since he works so much anyway and I have a job and activities I participate in at church and other recreational activities). What is a good compromise? How do you deal with this in your marriage?
Post # 3
Well you definately want to start with communication.
I don’t think trolling the bars with single men all hours of the night is appropriate either.
Compromise with maybe once or twice a month being a time where you have a guys night/girls night.
On the other weekends and such you need to find things to do together, as a couple!
Post # 4
You said “Occasionally”. If its occasionally then I see no problem with it. I would say, however, that he needs to ensure he is coming home at the end of the night.
I think sometimes its OK to stay over a friends house, but that should be the exception and for good reason. (IE the friend he’s visiting is far away)
Post # 5
You have the solution right in your post – going out to happy hour with friends, but not staying out til all hours of the night. I totally agree with you, he should be doing this, especially when it seems like the weekend is the only time you get to spend time together. I would think that a few hours with his friends per weekend should be sufficent, and spending the rest of his time with you
Post # 6
What does “occasionally” mean? Once a month? Once every couple of months? I’d be fine with that. Every weekend would be a little much.
Post # 7
@Lt.Columbo: About once a month, so the frequency is not a big deal to me, I just don’t like the activity. That is, staying out all night without me, oftentimes after promising me he will be coming home and oftentimes “forgetting” to call to tell me he isn’t coming home (which of course leads me to wake up in a panic at 3 AM). I should also mention I am not too keen on his friends (they seem to have issues with staying out of legal trouble pertaining to alcohol use) so the late night aspect of being at the bars all night with them also bothers me for that reason.
Post # 8
Hmmmm, I am like your FI and my FI is like you. 🙂
What do you mean by occassionally? My FI is a homebody and I enjoy going out. I will usually go without him. 95% of the time it’s a happy hour type deal and I’m home by 11. But every once in a while someone will have a birthday party or some other shindig and I will stay out ridiculously late. I would say it’s like once every other month though.
Regardless, it’s important to discuss this with your DH. FI and I have talked about it and we’re happy with the balance we’ve struck.
Post # 9
My husband and I live in a place where most of our friends were originally my friends. I have had an easier time making girl friends whereas he has a solid group of guy friends from back home and hasn’t really made an effort to go out and make new friends, which is fine. Sometimes I want to go out with the girls but feel guilty about leaving him at home alone.
I don’t go out all night and I always return home, I would never do otherwise and I don’t think that anyone who is married should be spending a night away from home if they are not on travel or something.
Personally, I think going out with your respective genders is fine and such, but he should be respecting you and coming home to you at night.
Post # 10
Not married yet, but I guess it depends – like others have mentioned – what occasionally means. I really don’t think it would bother me if this happened once a month or so. Also, I would rather him crash at a friend’s house if it’s that late and drinking has been involved. So long as I knew that was the plan in advance – or he called me to let me know so I wasn’t up worrying – it would be ok with me.
Post # 11
Hmmm I just saw your update.
Maybe you can explain to him how much it worries you when he doesn’t contact you.
Like I said, I do stay out late sometimes, but I always text/call my FI to let him know what time I’m coming home. Would you be more accepting of him staying out late if he let you know where he was/when he was coming home?
Post # 12
@rotatingfan: I don’t think it’s appropriate behavior. He should be able to hang out with his friends but forgetting to call you is BS. If he happens to get too drunk to get home or whatever, fine, but he should let you know. That’s not fair to make you worry. Have you tried to talk to him about it? Sometimes guys think we’re trying to control them when we’re really worried about their safety. I tried to explain that to my FI thousands of times until a couple weeks ago they went out later than me and I didn’t want to go and stayed home. Well, one of their friends got separated from the group and robbed at gunpoint and he FINALLY said he understood.
Post # 13
My FI does this occasionally as well (once a month at most, usually once every 2-3 months). It’s not just single men though, they’re married, engaged, or single, not sure if that makes a difference though. I’m fine with it because I have my girl time too and I think it’s important we do do things without one and another.
The thing that bothered me was you said he crashes at a friend’s place occasionally. We’ve always made it home at the end of the night, not completely sober, but we still stumble home. It would bother me if he never made it home.
Post # 14
@rotatingfan: Well, that’s a different thing. He should at least let you know what is going on so you don’t worry. That isn’t very respectful toward you.
Post # 15
Hmm, I would say that him staying over at his buddy’s place would be acceptable a few times a year and escpecially for occassions like bachelor parties, birthdays etc. But if it were a few times a month I would be kind of hurt that he would rather sleep on someone’s couch than in bed with me. Why can’t he go out and still come home after the fun has ended. Also, I would say he should include you on some of these outings. FI and I go out almost every weekend together. Sometimes its with my friends, sometimes with his, and sometimes a mixture of both or just the two of us. While I try to make time for us to hang out I still make an effort to see my girlfriends just us girls which allows him to do the same with his buddies. Though I don’t think your particluar situation is the norm, it should really just be based on what is comfortable and works for both of you.
Post # 16
My DH and I go out without eachother occasionally and I think that is healthy. However, he knows he has to come home. Sometimes he passes out on our couch and I wake up at 7 alone in the bed but I know where he is. If either of us plan on not coming home it is decided/agreed upon ahead of time. I would never ever just randomly decide not to come home, I think that is disrespectful.